Giving baby DPs surname

[FlowerPig]

So it never crossed my mind that baby would have my surname until I saw threads on here re the potential difficulties in not having the same surname.

Me and DP are in a stable relationship, we are engaged but marriage isn't something I've ever really wanted so we've never started planning a wedding. Only now do I think about it, purely so that I'd have the same surname as baby - to me marriage is just a piece of paper.

I am quite happy for baby to have DPs surname. Am I as mad as some of the threads make out or are those views pretty extreme?

Anyone got any thoughts/advice/first hand experience to share?

My dc both have my surname as their last middle name. It certainly doesn't sound like a forename!
When the baby is here, will you be taking leave from work? Will your partner? Will one of you work part time, or limit your promotion search to closer to home?
It is usually the woman who does those things, if you split and aren't married you are entitled to nothing more than share of possessions and child support. If I split with dh I would be able to claim some of his pension and a full division of assets.
I hope we never split, but I want to be protected if we do.

Have you spoken to your dp about it?

I think the male entitlement/expectation that a woman and her children should take his name is massively outdated. Particularly when so many men decide they don't want the responsibility after all. But they'll insist on the "ownership" anyway of their name.

With hindsight, I wish I had never changed my name and that I had shared it with my children. Bloodline is maternal.

Of course, we all (most of us?) got our names from our fathers. But still, I think it's patriarchal bullshit.

Traditionally if you were not married a baby got the mother's name. I'd stick with that.

I intend to use dp's surname for baby when he is born. I have kept my ex husbands surname, it's the name I've used longest and the same as the kids but I'm not sure I would feel comfortable using my ex's surname for a baby in a different relationship.

Best solution is give baby your name and then DP takes your surname on marriage. Why over-think it beyond that?

It's not traditional for unmarried mothers to give their dc a surname that isn't their surname. Quite the opposite. You had to be married. To be recognised as worthy of being bestowed the name of your father.

It sounds like you are definitely sure you want to give the baby your DD's name no matter what. So you should just do it.

There are big disadvantages but at least you know what they are now you've started this thread.

It’s YOUR surname. Why don’t women ever get to own their surnames?! It doesn’t matter who else has it. It’s YOURS and the baby is coming out of YOU!

Best solution is give baby your name and then DP takes your surname on marriage. Why over-think it beyond that?

That's the logical answer.

I have told him about the threads on here re baby taking mums surname and he's happy for her to have both but it's not something I want, I'd rather her just have one surname. If they sat nicely together it might be different but they don't.

I've never known the tradition of child taking mothers name, everyone around me has their fathers/family name unless they married then most of them took their DH name bar a few who kept their own due to work....or they have mums name because their dad wasn't in the picture/is a twat.

I can't see many disadvantages given to me on this thread for her taking her dads surname other than my pride being hurt if we split, other than the travel issue which hasn't been elaborated on, and can be easily sorted with birth certificate anyway.

My DP is quite a lovely man, it took us a year after an 8 year relationship to come to the decision to have a baby, it isn't something we've took lightly, I can't imagine us ever getting to a point that I'd hate him so much that I'd regret our child sharing his surname or feel a need to change it. I appreciate I don't know what the future holds, but this wasn't the answer I was looking for.

I was looking for genuine reasons how it could make life difficult, seems there aren't many obstacles I will face having a different surname to my DD.

You've mentioned yourself about having to get permission from the father to take your own child on holiday, if you have passports in different names. I'm sure there's loads of examples like that.

Most people are answering you quite emotionally instead of practically as that's the first thing that comes into their heads.. and mine too! I would NOT want a different surname to my child, no matter how much I love my partner now..

Use one of your surnames as an extra middle name. That seems to solve any problems when travelling as the passports always have a common name.

Am I as mad as some of the threads make out

Yes, personally I think so.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper. Far from it. It's a contract, more often than not in the woman's best interest. For example, unmarried couple living together 20 years, house in his name, 4 kids, she works part time now with a few years of gaps where she looked after their babies. But now they are separating. What is her future looking like? House was in his name so she has no claim on it. All he owes her is 'reasonable notice' to leave (same for his kids! No obligation for them to reside in the property). His pension? Nope. Her pension? Looking a bit bare from the years of P/T and childcare.

As for the surname, why should baby have his over yours? Make your life easier and have the same as your child.

I have told him about the threads on here re baby taking mums surname and he's happy for her to have both but it's not something I want, I'd rather her just have one surname. If they sat nicely together it might be different but they don't.

So there’s no argument, but still you won’t consider any of the options to show your child that your identity is equally as important as their dad’s. Lovely.

I've never known the tradition of child taking mothers name, everyone around me has their fathers/family name unless they married then most of them took their DH name bar a few who kept their own due to work....or they have mums name because their dad wasn't in the picture/is a twat

So that’s what you have been conditioned to think you should do. You don’t have to. Maybe think outside those restrictions.

I can't see many disadvantages given to me on this thread for her taking her dads surname other than my pride being hurt if we split, other than the travel issue which hasn't been elaborated on, and can be easily sorted with birth certificate anyway

Again, you’d be subtly but definitely giving your partner’s identity dominance. This then carries on other sexist expectations around childcare, earnings etc. None of which is good for anyone.

My DP is quite a lovely man, it took us a year after an 8 year relationship to come to the decision to have a baby, it isn't something we've took lightly, I can't imagine us ever getting to a point that I'd hate him so much that I'd regret our child sharing his surname or feel a need to change it. I appreciate I don't know what the future holds, but this wasn't the answer I was looking for.

Does anyone ever plan to split in years to come?

I was looking for genuine reasons how it could make life difficult, seems there aren't many obstacles I will face having a different surname to my DD.

Travel has (probably) been made a lot easier as both surnames are on DD’s passport and birth cert. She’s very proud of having both names in her name (she isn’t named after anyone with her first or second names). She spends more time with my family so feels we are all the same. Literally no downsides to it and lots of upsides. You just need to look a bit further than what you deem to be “tradition”.

Before we were married, pregnant with our first child.
Partner and I had a long conversation- he even said if I was to given her my maiden name then he would consider changing his. We couldn’t double barrel as it would sound daft. We’d always planned to get married at some point and decided eventually that she would take his name and eventually mine would change! And it did!

I think the real question here is whether or not you have considered the legal protection marriage would give you if you are traditional enough to give the baby your partner's name but don't want to marry.

I am a professional who took my husband's name on marriage which our children therefore have. Incidentally almost all the professionals I know, in multiple industries, have done the same.

For me 'my' surname was actually the surname of my useless absent father. My mother's surname was the surname of her useless father. So I was happy to take my husband's name and start a new family with him that hopefully wasn't going to follow the patterns of the men in my family. Of course we could have chosen a new surname to have together but I liked his and wanted rid of mine so it worked for us!

@Pegase

I think the real question here is whether or not you have considered the legal protection marriage would give you if you are traditional enough to give the baby your partner's name but don't want to marry.

I am a professional who took my husband's name on marriage which our children therefore have. Incidentally almost all the professionals I know, in multiple industries, have done the same.

For me 'my' surname was actually the surname of my useless absent father. My mother's surname was the surname of her useless father. So I was happy to take my husband's name and start a new family with him that hopefully wasn't going to follow the patterns of the men in my family. Of course we could have chosen a new surname to have together but I liked his and wanted rid of mine so it worked for us!

But your name didn’t bother you enough to change it before marriage. So unless you married on your 18th birthday, you weren’t that bothered by it.

One of my best friends took her husband’s name. Half way though her PhD she caught him cheating on her. They’ve divorced but her doctorate is in a name she no longer wants to use. She wishes she hadn’t changed it. It’s really affected her.

My DD has my partners last name.
I have 0 intention on getting married and we have been together since we were 17. Her name sounds nice with his last name and It really didnt bother me at all. I had a bit of a dodge last name anyway that I got teased for. Marriage is something that might happen for us but it's just not important right now. I know that it might be difficult to travel alone with her but I honestly dont see any other issue. It's just a formality imo.
I get the deep rooted issue about it being sexist that we take their last name. But it's a choice is it not? I know people in their 70s that are married and she never changed her name. It depends how much the name means to you, I love my family dont get me wrong!! but I think it meant more to my partner than it did to me.

I have my baby ex dps surname. I like the traditional sense of having your fathers surname. I got the privilege of carrying my baby and everything that goes with it. I feel like the surname is her fathers privilege.

Oh fuck that.

Pregnancy isn’t a privilege. Neither is PND, birth injuries, loss of pelvic floor function, bleeding nipples.

The idea of unthinkingly giving a man automatic naming rights because he happened to ejaculate approximately 40 weeks before hand is fucking bonkers.

Tradition was always to take the unmarried mother’s name, not the father’s. And I don’t know why any posters who put so much stock in “tradition” suddenly aren’t so bothered when it comes to getting married before having kids.

@micc

My DD has my partners last name. I have 0 intention on getting married and we have been together since we were 17. Her name sounds nice with his last name and It really didnt bother me at all. I had a bit of a dodge last name anyway that I got teased for. Marriage is something that might happen for us but it's just not important right now. I know that it might be difficult to travel alone with her but I honestly dont see any other issue. It's just a formality imo. I get the deep rooted issue about it being sexist that we take their last name. But it's a choice is it not? I know people in their 70s that are married and she never changed her name. It depends how much the name means to you, I love my family dont get me wrong!! but I think it meant more to my partner than it did to me.

It is a choice, but only one that women are expected to make. So it came from sexism and is still sexist now.

I have had the same name since birth. I’ve an aunt, who broke the glass ceiling in the 70s by becoming very senior in an industry dominated by men, who seemingly cannot understand that addressing me as Mrs Hisname is wrong. She knows my bank account is in my name, so sticks correctly addressed cheques in incorrectly addressed envelopes. She genuinely can’t understand that a woman’s name does not automatically change when she marries. It’s bizarre (and after nearly 20 years, bloody frustrating).

The "tradition" was roughly speaking that a woman took a husband's name on marriage where he undertook to provide for her and their children who then on arrival took the mother's new name.
If unmarried the children of the couple were not legitimate heirs of the father and had the mother's name.
The surname comes through the mother either way.

Why in this day and age an unmarried bloke gets first dibs on giving a surname is beyond me. But hey ho.
Pregnancy and birth is a risky undertaking and leaves many women vulnerable physically and financially. Though carrying a new life has a certain something attached I'd not consider it an unalloyed privilege.

It would be wise to know the protections that marriage offers both you and your child before you reject it, but if it is the institute of marriage itself which has too much baggage for you then you could form a civil partnership. You don’t have to have a wedding. You could go to the registry office on a Wednesday afternoon and not tell anyone if you wanted.

Coming from a diff angle, my mother remarried after my father died. She double barreled her surname so that my siblings and I didn't feel left out of the family with my new step siblings but also so we had the same surname (first part) to avoid explanations etc.
It was many years ago so I know things have changed but I would have hated not to have had the same surname as her.