Walking into a surname disaster?

[Minimoon123]

Ok, so I'm a FTM, 40 weeks pregnant today and don't know if I'm having a boy or a girl. Looking for thoughts on whether I'm heading into a world of surname pain or not because...

DP and I not married. He's Irish, I'm English. He has no family - both parents passed away, no siblings, basically no one to carry on his name whereas there are bazillions with my surname. So months ago I said baby should take his name. He said he didn't mind. But now seems to mind!

Didn't discover until a couple of days ago that he considers that the baby will take the correct Irish version of his name depending on their gender. So if a girl, instead of his surname: O' XXX, would be Nic XXX. (O' means 'son of' and Nic means 'daughter of' apparently). To complicate matters further Nic is pronounced Nee. And to complicate matters even further, the first name and surname of our potential daughter also involves a lot of Nee Noo and Naa type sounds. Basically she would sound like an ambulance siren.

(Slight side note, I already caved on the first name as he played the 'the only name I like is my dead mother's name' card. So we're in fully Irish territory here with first and surname despite the fact I'm English and we live in England.)

So: I held firm (not easy as DP is super stubborn) and have refused to agree to Nic XXX but instead have managed to agree a compromise on just dropping the O' so it's as close to DP's surname as possible while still making sense to him (and she has to have Nic as a middle name). But what that effectively means is:

DP will be O' XXX
DD would be XXX
DS (if/when) would be O' XXX
And I would be YYY

So the poor child would have a slightly different surname from anyone else. Is this going to cause problems? Travel? etc? I thought it would be ok but I can tell my mother is worried which has worried me!

Obviously it might all be moot if it's a boy but then there's always a chance of a girl in the future so I guess good to know!

What do you think? (Sorry post got looong!) I don't want to reopen the argument with DP but equally I don't want to wander into a mess with my eyes closed.

You need a new set of names

DH can be: husband of OP
DD can be : daughter of OP
DS can be : son of OP.

Honestly?
Give the baby your surname. 100%

If you get married in the future then change baby's surname at the same time as you change yours, if you choose to change you're but don't give baby a surname different to yours.

I have a friend who grew up in England with an Irish first name and Nic + surname. She inevitably had to tell people how to spell or pronounce it and Nic was sometimes confused with a middle name. I don't think it caused issues other than that though. It's only really when you travel (and perhaps when baby is small) that you give all family members' surnames side by side. Lots of families have a mix of surnames due to unmarried parents, blended families, women keeping their maiden names etc. In some European countries it's the norm.

I'd focus more the fact you don't seem to be getting as much input, and also 'caved' on the first name. Picking the middle name really isn't as important, it's the first name and surname that you'll be constantly repeating and need to compromise on (caving is not compromising).

Nose of Tralee, good point, I have come across her!

What does Og........ mean? Is that like Small.......?

Irish here and cannot for the life of me understand why he's being so pedantic about the O' vs Ni.

I have cousins with O'Surname both male and female same as their dad. And know plenty of other Irish women with O'Surname.
I don't know ANYONE who uses Ni not O'

And it is Ni not Nic

I'm afraid he's deliberately being a bit of an arsehole about this and trying to manipulate/bully you with MY FAMILY ARE DEAD AND YOU AREN'T RESPECTING MY CULTURE

It's a bit of a red flag

This all sounds like utter bollocks. It's all HIM. What HE wants. What HE thinks.

Fuck that.

She's also part of you and your heritage and your family history.

Give her your surname.
He can use his dead mother's name as a middle name.
You choose a first name TOGETHER which you both like.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood if you're using the Irish version it's Ní or Nic. If you're using the English version it's O' or Mc. So John O'Mahony and Mary O'Mahony. But Seán Ó Mathúna and Máire Ní Mhathúna.

Nic is used where Mac is used.

He isn't trying to bully me with the dead parents - it's me who's really making that connection other than the fact he does want his mum's name, which doesn't seem that unreasonable.

Also he has already agreed to make 'Ni' be second middle name so it's not in everyday use because of the aforementioned ambulance siren sound issue.

I've definitely moved too far from my initial position which was Irish first name or surname, not both. So I'll need to talk to him again about that. I think I was just so thrown by the 'Ni' business I lost sight of what I wanted.

What does Og........ mean? Is that like Small.......?

It translates to young, it's a nickname rather than an official name on documents.

So Seán Óg O'Halpín, it usually follows that he would have his dads first name and surname so the senior man would be simply Seán O'Halpín. It's just like a version of having a John jnr & John snr.

Married with DP (as low budget as it gets, only for legal reasons). We both find the idea of women changing their surnames after marriage absolutely ridiculous.

DD has a first name from the region my Mum's from (I'm not from the UK) and DP's surname (he's British). Currently pregnant with DC2, they will have a first name from the UK country DP's Mum was from (not England) and my surname. We are very happy and excited about this!

I'm prepared to attach 'h8rs gonna h8' lolcat postcards to the birth announcement cards we'll have to send to some of the people we know, however.

I'm prepared to attach 'h8rs gonna h8' lolcat postcards to the birth announcement cards we'll have to send to some of the people we know, however.

Please tell me you are actually going to do this and that wasn't a joke.

Put your foot down now or he will grow more of a bully throughout your marriage. You are not being unreasonable so stick to your guns. It's either the UK friendly full version of his name (O'whatever) or your name and no weird variations. Maybe you could agree to use the Irish version in Ireland if you should live there later on. Also only agree to his mother's name if you really like it, not just for a quiet life. If you don't like it insist on something else.

For Gods sake don't give away all your bargaining power.

Your surname name and he isn't on the birth certificate until you are married.

And head over to the current thread on protecting yourself by getting married.

Sean óg 😍😍😍😍

Or do like Dawn Porter who became Dawn O'Porter and then you and your children can be
O'YYY

Your own name until you’re married. That will focus his mind and not just on the name.

Why would anyone want to marry such a stubborn bully?

Bring the dc up to relate to their dual heritage through regular visits to Ireland. That is far more “real” than a set of names that will cause inconvenience and ignores the wishes of one half of their heritage.
It would also be more “traditionally Irish” to offer to marry the mother of your dc, has your dp not thought of that?

If it helps, I took dh Irish surname and so did kids. They all have English first names, but some are English versions of Irish names of his family members.

Thanks miggledy!

Sorry to open another can of worms, but what about the first name? Strictly, according to the Irish naming convention, the first son would be named after his paternal grandfather, i.e. DP's father, and the first daughter after her maternal grandmother, i.e. your mother.

Agree with others that if marriage is something you want, until a ring is on your finger, the baby should really have your name. But if you WANT it to have his surname that's obviously your choice, and he is very lucky.

As regards the rest - you're the one growing it and giving birth, and as others have said will raise it if you ever split. Why on earth should he dictate the entire name?! It has to be a mutual thing, that's part of the pleasure of planning for a baby!
Also, you're living in England and the child will be half English, why would it have the full works Irish name (potentially harder to live with in England), and why does his heritage trump yours? Frankly if your DP suddenly feels so strongly about this he should have a baby in Ireland where it is the norm (though others seem to suggest it's hardly a rule) and found a woman who wanted the same thing.

In an unmarried couple, the mother is legally entitled to name the baby without the father present, whereas the father cannot register a birth alone, so don't allow yourself to be bullied on this. You've already been very thoughtful, and If he loves you he'll WANT you to be happy with the name of your own baby! Congratulations by the way :)

“It would also be more “traditionally Irish” to offer to marry the mother of your dc, has your dp not thought of that?”

Well this has been an education.
Is it ever possible to have two names, an Irish one and an English one?
I know women who use their maiden name for work but go by Mrs x otherwise.
Also how do you pronounce Ni ?

This isn't going to end well, I'm afraid. He is selfish and a bully, and you are giving way to him.
The child takes his mother's name unless she is married. Although why you would want to marry such a man I don't know. He clearly doesn't deserve you.