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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Walking into a surname disaster?

162 replies

Minimoon123 · 03/08/2018 09:21

Ok, so I'm a FTM, 40 weeks pregnant today and don't know if I'm having a boy or a girl. Looking for thoughts on whether I'm heading into a world of surname pain or not because...

DP and I not married. He's Irish, I'm English. He has no family - both parents passed away, no siblings, basically no one to carry on his name whereas there are bazillions with my surname. So months ago I said baby should take his name. He said he didn't mind. But now seems to mind!

Didn't discover until a couple of days ago that he considers that the baby will take the correct Irish version of his name depending on their gender. So if a girl, instead of his surname: O' XXX, would be Nic XXX. (O' means 'son of' and Nic means 'daughter of' apparently). To complicate matters further Nic is pronounced Nee. And to complicate matters even further, the first name and surname of our potential daughter also involves a lot of Nee Noo and Naa type sounds. Basically she would sound like an ambulance siren.

(Slight side note, I already caved on the first name as he played the 'the only name I like is my dead mother's name' card. So we're in fully Irish territory here with first and surname despite the fact I'm English and we live in England.)

So: I held firm (not easy as DP is super stubborn) and have refused to agree to Nic XXX but instead have managed to agree a compromise on just dropping the O' so it's as close to DP's surname as possible while still making sense to him (and she has to have Nic as a middle name). But what that effectively means is:

DP will be O' XXX
DD would be XXX
DS (if/when) would be O' XXX
And I would be YYY

So the poor child would have a slightly different surname from anyone else. Is this going to cause problems? Travel? etc? I thought it would be ok but I can tell my mother is worried which has worried me!

Obviously it might all be moot if it's a boy but then there's always a chance of a girl in the future so I guess good to know!

What do you think? (Sorry post got looong!) I don't want to reopen the argument with DP but equally I don't want to wander into a mess with my eyes closed.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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noseoftralee · 03/08/2018 10:01

Holiday is right. The baby is as much part of your heritage as she is his.

noseoftralee · 03/08/2018 10:02

Tell him you’ve changed your mind entirely and baby will be called Georgiana Victoria Yourname-O’ whatever.

Fabricwitch · 03/08/2018 10:07

I would think passport control are used to this so I wouldn't worry about travel. But It's not unusual for girls in Ireland to take the O' instead of Ni.
It's really just down to how much you mind about the sounding if the name. I do think you should get some input and he can't just decide on only one name that is acceptable.

SilverGiraffe7 · 03/08/2018 10:07

DP has a stronger will than I do though dammit!

That doesn't bode well - what happens when he 'insists' on having the final say about everything? Where you live? What school he/she goes to? How the discipline them? If you don't stand up for what you want now (and I'm talking compromise not dictatorship from either side) then you're setting a dangerous president for parenthood.
No tricks, no 'I gave birth so I get to..' just tell him you want an equal say in the name and mean it . That if he can veto certain names you can too. I think you've been very accommodating with his surname but to not get any say in first, middle or surname? Sod that.

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 10:09

To be honest, his attitude doesn't really bode very well for the two of you having a lasting, happy, mutually respectful relationship.

Which is all the more reason for your child to have your surname and not his.

You can always change the name later on if you get married and he stops being a twat.

RachelAnneJ · 03/08/2018 10:14

If you are interested sing to stay in the IK then I think you need to consider your child as well.

My stance would be that it's either the O'xxx version or they take my name. He has to compromise somewhere.

RachelAnneJ · 03/08/2018 10:15

intending to stay in the U.K.

Note to self, remember to proofread!

ItscalledaVulva · 03/08/2018 10:17

So will your potential DD have his mother's name then, first and surname? I understand wanting to reflect his heritage, and honouring dead relatives is nice too but it's OK for your daughter to have her own name. I would give her your surname tbh, particularly if he is choosing the first name.

FleeceDetective · 03/08/2018 10:20

Is marriage something you want? I'm echoing previous posters, you won't want to hear it now and think it won't be you, but a lot of relationships don't work out and a lot of men don't stay involved. I'd always want my child to have whatever name was mine, because I know I'll always be in their life every day of the year, not every other weekend.

If you get married you can then all have a family name.

peachypetite · 03/08/2018 10:20

Unless you're getting married give the baby your surname please.

Original poster

Minimoon123 · 03/08/2018 10:22

TBF he did say I could give the child my surname but a) I didn't really believe that that would be the way to harmony b) I think we will get married at some point and I wanted us all to have the same surname but I guess now I would take just XXX per DD so we would all have a similar surname at least (there's some other complex Irish prefix for 'wife of' but I said I wouldn't take that!). And c) I genuinely want him to have his family with his name (that didn't come from him - it's my slightly sentimental wish). He has no family other than me and the nearly-here baby. I have loads. I just don't want to be eclipsed from the picture by it all being super Irish!

I suspect we will call her by the anglicised version of her first name and I am getting my choice of middle name (in addition to the Nic) so I can live with it if it isn't going to be logistically difficult that she has slightly different name.

OP posts:

Original poster

Minimoon123 · 03/08/2018 10:26

On another note - if I did give her my surname and then we got married how difficult/disruptive is it to change it later? Anyone have experience of this?

OP posts:

Cbeebiesrehab · 03/08/2018 10:26

I understand giving your children your partners surname as I have done this too (we are getting married though) however, I’m sorry, he is dictating the first, middle and last name with no compromise? Bugger that. Don’t wait until you’re in the throws of labour to discuss it as you may be exhausted and therefore feeling weaker and more likely to be bullied into something you really don’t want. Stand firm OP. You either get to choose the surname or the first name. End of. I think using his dead family to ultimately get what he wants is a bit emotionally manipulative.

Cbeebiesrehab · 03/08/2018 10:28

Cross post OP. I think you are very understanding and caring to your partners wishes-just please remember that this child should also reflect you, it’s a 50/50 thing.

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2018 10:29

Don't be steamrollered. OP

And someone saying that you can give the baby your name in such a way as to make you say that it wouldn't make for harmony is not giving you a choice at all.

FleeceDetective · 03/08/2018 10:30

Do you have a ring on your finger and a date with the vicar? A proposal? Right now you aren't his family, he hasn't asked you to be his family, your a girlfriend who will be the mother of his child, but you can be parted from the picture quite simply. That leaves your child and him on one side of the fence with a shared name and you on your own.

Until you are a family unit, you need to represent your own interests. Is be getting sentimental about you wanting to have some say in things? Nope.

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2018 10:30

And you can be married and keep your name and your children keep your name. You don't have to give in on this.

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2018 10:31

And you can be a family unit without marriage

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 10:33

You can easily change your child's name by deed poll later on. It's not difficult to do at all.

If you would like to get married at some point then I would stand firm on this. Otherwise he's just getting everything he wants and you're not being taken into consideration at all.

Seriously, if he strings you along for five or ten or twenty years and then does the dirty on you, you will really regret giving your child his surname.

Get some legal advice as well about how to protect yourself financially as an unmarried partner. There are many, many threads on this.

chocolateaddicted · 03/08/2018 10:33

There should be no question about surname. What will yours become when you marry him? That's the surname all tour children should have too.

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 10:36

But only if and when she actually marries him.

chocolateaddicted · 03/08/2018 10:38

But if OP is already thinking about future children. I'd have thought that level of commitment would lend itself to getting married at some point. Either way surely a child takes its fathers surname. Some of my kids on register have double barrelled surnames. Would that be an option?

Apileofballyhoo · 03/08/2018 10:39

If he's Ó then baby should be Ní. It's only if he's Mac that it changes to Nic. Just so that she doesn't have something nobody has in Ireland either...

FleeceDetective · 03/08/2018 10:41

Chocolate I'm thinking of having a beach holiday with Tom Hardy but a commitment it does not make.

Things change, people change and relationships definitely change when the hand grenade of a baby arrives. This man doesn't seem too ameanable to compromise, it's a big thing when it comes to raising a child together.

BertrandRussell · 03/08/2018 10:42

"What will yours become when you marry him? That's the surname all tour children should have too."
Bollocks.

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