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Original poster

Scruples question - stealing baby names???

152 replies

kizzie · 14/04/2004 12:25

hello - just a little scruples question for everyone.

When my BF and I were both pregnant I said very early on which name I would choose if I had a girl.
Its quite unusal so not one that would quickly spring to mind.
Anyway few months later BF rang rather sheeplishly and announced that her and her DH had decided that they really liked it and it was now their favourite.
Few weeks later they had a girl and did give her this name.
As it happens I had boys so wasnt that much of an issue (and apart from this she is a wonderful friend so would never want something like that to ruin our relationship)BUT have to admit I did think it was a bit odd and nothing that I would have done.

Anyone else done something similar - or if it happened to you would you be a bit miffed????

As I say its all water under the bridge but my sister just brought it up in conversation at the weekend when she joked about it.

Kizziex

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oliveoil · 14/04/2004 12:28

I remember an episode of Sex in the City when Charlotte had a go at someone for nicking 'her' baby name. Samantha called the woman a bitch!

What would you have done if you had had a girl? That would have made the situation harder I would have thought.

I would have been peed off if someone did that to me.

lou33 · 14/04/2004 12:29

I would have been a bit miffed yes.

collision · 14/04/2004 12:30

Yes......I would be very miffed which is why I have decided to keep it to myself what I call the next one. When my Mum and her BF were both PG (yrs ago) her BF used my eldest brothers name for her middle son and then my middle brothers name for her youngest son. They now have 2 boys with the same names!! My Mum wasnt bothered really until I pointed out how miffed I would have been! It does cause confusion between the 2 families as we have to use surnames to differentiate.

I suppose that as you had boys it isnt an issue but imagine how annoyed you would have been if you had had a girl and couldnt use the same name!

Tinker · 14/04/2004 12:30

I would be very miffed tbh. I really liked (still like) the name Amelia but one friend, not even pregnant, told me that was the name she would choose should she ever have a girl so I just couldn't /wouldn't pick it then.

Twinkie · 14/04/2004 12:35

Ooooohhhh a lady who was at my NCT group told me she like DDs name soo much that she was going to use it for her next child (which luckily was a girl!!) - thing being that it really did not go with her surname (sounded like a religious group!!) so she couldn't - I would have gone spare if she had though - not sure why but DD is unique as I know no other people with a child with the same name as her.

DP has deceided that we will keep our ideas for this babies name secret (well of course I willtell you guys though!!

wilbur · 14/04/2004 12:35

There is a boys name that I love and would have considered strongly if I had another boy, but I will never use it as I know it is my best friend's favourite name, one that she has loved forever. My ds's name is one that I have loved since I was about 12 (took me a while to persuade dh!) and I remember it being on a list that another close friend was considering for her 1st baby. I would have been really disappointed if she had chosen it, and I think I did say at the time, "oooh xxxx, that's my top choice for a boy" - not that she shouldn't have it, I guess I just wanted her to know how much I loved it. Silly really, and it would have been fine if her child had the same name as mine (she had a girl in the end). I don't blame you for feeling a bit funny, I think names are very important, but if your friend is a good one than that is more special that who chose which name.

Northerner · 14/04/2004 12:35

Just because you say you like a name doesn't mean you have the monopoly surely?

My cousin has fallen out with me because she thinks I 'stole' her boys name. She was pregnent 18 months before me and told everyone her chosen names for boys and girls. She had a girl. When my ds was born the name we chose happenned to be her favourite boys name and she went crazy. When she was pregnant for the second time she was depressed that if it was a boy she couldn't use this name. I'd not really thought about it being her name. She reckons I should have asked her first. As it happenned she had another girl, but she has not forgiven me.

monkeygirl · 14/04/2004 12:38

I would have been pretty p**d off tbh and would personally have felt awkward doing that to any of my friends. I think it's a hard enough task and a big responsibility naming a baby. But agree that I hope it wouldn't affect my relationship with a good friend as life is too short.

Tissy · 14/04/2004 12:42

When my SIL was pregnant with one of her dds we were discussing names and I said that if i should ever have a girl it would be called Polly. She agreed that it was a nice name, but said that they had chosen a quite different name. When the baby was born, Polly was the second name. I went on to have a girl several years later but was secretly rather miffed that they stole the name I wanted for my dd. I could have used it as a first name I suppose, but it wouldn't have felt right.

collision · 14/04/2004 12:45

Twinkie......what is your dd's name .....I am intrigued.????????

Thomcat · 14/04/2004 12:47

wWuld be very peed off. Even more so if it was an incredibly unique name that i had alwyas wanted. There is a unwriten rule about that sort of thing as far as I'm concerned.

Zerub · 14/04/2004 12:51

I'd have just gone ahead and given my girl the name I wanted anyway, even if a friend had just named her child the same. You can't see the future. You might move away and hardly see them in a few years time. Or you might make a new good friend who already has a child with the same name as yours.

The only thing I worried about was what my brother would name his child, due 3 weeks before my baby, in case they chose my favourite name. We'd have managed - this is "our Fred" and that's "their Fred". But I thought it would be too confusing for my parents to have two grandchildren with the same name.

Dh's sister has told us her favourite names so I guess we will avoid using those for the same reason (grandparents). Mind you, if they'd chosen the one name I really want for a boy, if I ever have one, I might have said "first come first served!".

LipstickMum · 14/04/2004 12:54

Actually, best friend or no best friend I would have been pretty annoyed at that. Dp and I didn't gove away any clues as to the names we had selected, think we would have gone ahead with them regardless, it was a difficult enough process!

Twinkie · 14/04/2004 13:00

Collisison I have emailed you it - most people know her name but just in case x2b lurks on here anywhere - Paranoia or what!!

SEXGODDESS · 14/04/2004 13:00

I'd have been seriously miffed, don't (personally) know anyone else with dd's name although it's not uncommon and ds's name is one of those safe old names so can't really grumble although desperately wanted Madeline for girl and Theo for boy. Would secretly be p'ed off if a friend called their child Theo now though!

LipstickMum · 14/04/2004 13:01

Madeline was one of our 'possibilities' too...

motherinferior · 14/04/2004 13:04

I think it varies. When I was pg first time I knew the girl's name my sister really liked, and asked if I could use it, and she said she did want it if she had a girl second time round... and I agreed - after all, I felt she'd bagged it first. Second time, I mentioned the boy's name I liked and she started getting huffy saying she rather liked it too (we were pregnant at the first time) and I pointed out that I hadn't, in fact, known she liked it. (In the end I had a girl, and she named her son something else anyway!) But that was also with my sister.

Freckle · 14/04/2004 13:04

When pregnant with DS1, I told a good friend what name we had chosen if he turned out to be a girl. He didn't - obviously - so we didn't use that name. The friend had a girl and didn't use the name either. However, we both got pregnant with our second children, her about 4 months ahead of me. I'd said loads of times that we would still use the same name if child no. 2 turned out to be a girl. So I was rather p*ssed off when she had her DD2 and called her by "my" name. Fortunately for our friendship, I've ended up with 3 boys and never needed to use the name.

motherinferior · 14/04/2004 13:08

SAME time not first time. Sorry, lunch clubbing me into sleepiness!

susanmt · 14/04/2004 13:14

My sister is currently miffed with me for using 'her' girls name for my dd2. She'a Rachel, and is called that cos we like it and cos it was dh's Grandma's name, and she dies 2 weeks before Rachel was born. He middle name is Jessie, after my Gran. My sis wants children but is in the awkward situation of not being in a relationship and also in the 'slightly more difficult to get pregnant' situation of being a lesbian. I know its not impossible but it does take a bit more planning! I knew that she liked the name but I never thought she would take it personally that we decided to use it, given the family connection on dh's side etc .... But it is a very tricky busines this. I remember phoning up a friend when ds was born - we had never mentioned names to them - and telling them we had a little boy called Aidan. She went totally quiet on the end of the phone and then said 'that was our name'. How was I supposed to know?????? They called their ds2, who is about 3 months younger than our ds, the same name, but as we see them very infrequently it hasn't caused any problems. But she's still miffed!

gemilou · 14/04/2004 13:20

Hi Sexgoddess,
My ds2 is a theo and quite miffed cos it is getting popular. Ive heard of about 5 in my area

musica · 14/04/2004 13:26

I would be really annoyed if someone knowingly stole a name we wanted, but if it was a coincidence I would try to be philosophical. Having said that, I gave dd quite an unusual name, and then a friend of my best friend gave her daughter the same name, which did annoy me. Even though I never see this person - it was a case of "What's XYZ called her dd?" and then "We've decided we really like that name."

Original poster
kizzie · 14/04/2004 13:54

ooooh - thanks for all the responses. Only logged in to see if anyone had answered.

So - what would I have done if I HAD had a girl????

At the time I did say that if I had a daughter then I would still use the name (I have to admit that i was VERY suprised when she used it because I had wittered on about it being my favourite name for such a long time and it hadnt been on my friends original list.)
BUT - in reality I think I might have been put off because it would have been strange having thm both with the same name.

The funny thing is (which I have chosen to put to the back of my mind) is that if it have been the other way round I KNOW that my friend would have been severely pissed off.

She really is a great friend - sorry dont mean to paint her in a negative light. But its just one of those things that seems strange to have done.

Anyway really interesting to read all your responses!
Kizziex

OP posts:
150percent · 14/04/2004 13:57

When I was 8m pg with ds2, we did tell those of our friends expecting around us what our chosen name was (we knew the sex). One of my friends (she was my bridesmaid) had said that that was a favourite of hers too. I left it, as we were due well before her, and she didn't know which sex she was expecting, but 5 months after ds2 was born and duly named, she used the same name for her ds.

Dh was more upset than I was, though I must say I wish she hadn't done so. I know that I hadn't got the copyright on the name, but the timing seemed too close. Ds2 hadn't quite grown into his name at that stage - I'd have been less bothered if she had used ds1's name, as by that point it was irrevocably his (in my mind).

By now Ds2 has also made his mark, so it doesn't bother me much, but is a bit odd amongst our joint friends.

Vee33 · 14/04/2004 14:19

When I was pregnant with DS, my sil (who wasn't pregnant) told me which names i couldn't use. I was slightly annoyed as I didn't feel I could use either of these names, which had been on my list- and then when she had a son and later a daughter she didn't use them either!