Baby name remorse / regret

[onlyaname]

I am driving myself crazy and have been for a while now about DD's name. It is a very common name but I hadn't realised quite how common until a couple of months after naming her (last year). I'm a teacher and only one reception class girl had this name so I didn't think it was overly popular.

I really wanted a name that wasn't so everywhere! Didn't want to be trendy or unusual necessarily but also didn't want to hear the name all over the place. DH however was incredibly fussy and dismissed names very quickly - names I really loved sometimes.
In fact he didn't like the name but when she was born he mentioned it again and after a couple of days we went for it. Some people don't seem to know the name but I do get quite a few comments about how common it is and that it is not very original.

I do like her name but I feel like I have let her down... I'm sure this is not normal - i.e. to feel like this. But I don't want her to feel that she is like everyone else.

I want to move on but I can't shake this feeling of remorse/sadness I have about her name. I look back and really wish I had checked out name popularity and really discussed names with DH to find out what we both liked and pushed for my names even more. I know names aren't the be all for a child's personality or life... but still...

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My DD is an Eva - I named her after my great grandmother before it suddenly exploded in popularity (alongside Evie and Eve). I still love the name and it suits her but it grates every time I hear of another one and people do tend to say things like 'goodness, I know an Eve and an Evie too, it's going to be very confusing'. I too have a popular 70's name so would have preferred she had something a bit more unique but it's who she is now and I wouldn't change it.

Thanks for all the replies - heartened that so many do not know any or know only one or two. I actually don't know any others but get so many comments about how many there are around it seemed every other girl was named Ava.

I have quite an unusual name for a child of the 70's (very girly too) and when I was at school I wanted to be Michelle or Sarah or Louise or Amanda which seemed to be really popular. (My name was very popular in the 90's I believe). So I didn't want DD to be too out there. but not too in there either!

I do worry that the name will date and not become a classic but then I guess that could happen with quite a few names around at the mo.

Would quite like to change name and did try to persuade DH to do this, but he was very against the idea. He has an incredibly common name and he always says "didn't do me any harm!" I'm pretty sure it's a no go especially as she's now over a year.

Her middle name is Isabel (I know, I know - possibly even more popular!) which i love as a name but not keen to swap them over.

Oh people are sods about babies names recently, I don't know what the deal is. I remember taking newborn DD to a friend's house & their friends asked her name. Their response was 'Oh I know another Phoebe Elisabeth born the day before'. Err, alright then. What a feckin weird thing to say! What's wrong with 'how nice'? Ignore, ignore.

Ava Isabel is a beautiful name!

...Also, at over a year she will know her name so please don't change it.

Ava is lovely. How rude of ppl to comment that its common and unoriginal. Jeez

Ava is a gorgeous name. If you love it, then don't give a monkeys what any one else thinks. It's your choice because you like it.

She does know her name and she's growing into it really well. I think she might have inherited her fathers bloody-mindedness and won't give two hoots about how many other girls are called Ava.

Someone actually said "I know 4 other Avas, you must be really disappointed how common it is." Someone else said I bet you thought it was unusual didn't you.... You're all right ignore, ignore. I will have the courage of my convictions. Thanks all.

Your friends are very rude to comment so rudely about your daughter's name. Yes Ava may be popular and they may not like it, but it is YOUR baby and your choice as to how you wish to name your baby. Once a baby is named you accept the name, whatever it is imo. If you love the name, then that is all that matters, ignore others' comments, you may not like their name choices either .

Agree with bbb. My oldest DD's name is incredibly common (we thought we were being very original at the time - hadn't consulted popularity lists). However, if I'd known how many babies were being called it at the time, I still would have thought it was a beautiful name and still would have chosen it. My DD2's name is very unusual - I don't know a single other little girl with the same name. But it's a real marmite name - love it or loathe it! I don't mind at all what other people think of it, as I chose it because I love it! You can tell when people don't like it, but are trying to be polite, because they ask if it's a family name. Always makes me laugh!!

I think it is lovely. Don't change it.

I couldn't care less if there are 3/4/5 of the same in my DSs classes, they have the names I chose because I liked them.

I am a Sarah, born in the '70's like all the others and I too wanted to avoid that with my DD. I chose Evangeline. Now there are loads of Evies and Eves, but I love my daughters name and wouldn't change it even if I'd known how popular all the nn would be. If you love Ava (and it is a beautiful name), then stick with it unless you have a name in mind that you absolutely love more. Otherwise you could end up changing it and then having regrets. No name is absolutely unique - you could pick something quite unusual and still end up living next door to someone whose child has the same name as yours.

Ava is a LOVELY name. I haven't met any at all, young or older for that matter.

People are rude and quite frankly stuff em!

Ava is beautiful name, i've never met one, and your Ava is unique.My d.d is Anna and i love it, it's everywhere, even when we go on holiday " thats a greek name" "thats a spanish name" thats a russian name". I don't care, i love it, i think you've chosen a beautiful, graceful, strong name for your d.d, please don't be .

Ava is lovely, you shouldn't regret it at all. If you did feel strongly, you could always change it to a lengthed version if you want, and then keep Ava as a nn so as not to confuse anyone. E.g. Avery, Avaline/Aveline/Avalina etc.

I know exactly how you feel, and could have written your post!

My dd is called a name v similar to Isla, a name I had always liked having grown up in Scotland. She is 2. I did check name popularity but it was only in the 60s in popularity charts in 2007 - it then leaped 30 places in 2008 when she was born. Although there was know way I could have known this would happen I think if I'd been more sussed I could have predicted it. The name was chosen by dh and me early on in pregnancy and we both loved it so I can't say I didn't get to call her the name I wanted.

The popularity has always bothered me a bit, but since the birth of my ds, who is 5 months I have been obsessing about it in a way that is unhealthy, partly due to sleep deprivation I think and having another baby to name and being off work with nothing else to think about. I also feel guilty, as if I have done her a disservice and she will grow up being called the equivalent of Sarah or Claire. In my more rational moments I can see this is not exactly a big deal and maybe more about me wanting to be perceived as having cool taste in names - still we can't avoid our demographic and we do all pick up on the same names through popular culture and unless you mix with lots of babies you don't know what is popular. I had a fairly typical 70s name, it never bothered me much and I actually do tend to feel a bond when meeting other people with the same name, it does not make me feel less of an individual. I think this obsession with branding our children with a unique name may be a recent thing and it is not necessarily going to make them better/cleverer/happier.

Ava is a lovely name btw and I have only met 2 in real life (though heard the name shouted sometimes at soft play etc). I think it is the case that more names are used now than when we we kids, so even the v popular names there will be fewer of.

I don't know if this makes sense, but I can see that my worry is irrational because if someone else was spending as much time stressing over such a minor thing as I am I would think they were mad - we apply different rules to ourselves sometimes. Also, I doubt anyone else gives much of a second thought to your daughter's name. Also, I think with names that have peaked in popularity only recently like Ava and Isla people think it is coincidental to meet two and feel obliged to tell you they know another - this does not happen with, eg, Charlotte, Isabella which are also v popular.

Hope this has helped, sorry is a bit rambling.

olddeuteronomy - your post does make sense. I do feel as though I have done her a disservice. Also not returned to work so have time on my hands to think / obssess about these things. I think I too would like to be seen as cool or at least slightly more original with names. People telling me it's not original doesn't help ... I know i'm taking it as a criticism. I've felt very emotional about the whole name thing since she was about 2 months old and I'm sure hormones have played a part. DH always gets really excited and happy when he hears of another Ava - complete antithesis to me then!!

I also feel somewhat irrational and my advice to someone else feeling the same would be the same as all the advice on here. Not very good at taking my own advice either...

I think there is a wider spread of names these days - more variety. I think I'm right in saying that a few decades ago the top names were given to more babies - so the number 1 name went to 7000 babies and these days it is 4000 babies - rough, guess work numbers there! Tho' there are fewer births these days which mush have an affect too.

first there is no way you have let your daughter down , second even if she is one of a thousand avas she will "never be like everyone else " . she will be your ava the special little person you love , and the person many others will love. ava is a lovely name sweet yet grown up and it's popular not common for a reason.

i just wonder whether in reality there is something else worrying you and your focusing those anxieties on her name which is something you can change iyswim . i speak from experience as i've had major issues with dd's name eventually at 9 months we started to use her 3rd name as her name . i still felt unhappy and drove myself crazy searching name websites etc. i felt i'd let her down by not picking the right . i also felt i'd let her down by the manner of herrth .

eventually i realised it was more to do with how i felt about her birth i felt i'd let her down by the manner of birth , and this was exacerbated by the feeling that i'd had no say in naming her. once i realised that this was why i was so focussed on her name and that these hurts were the real reason i had not been able to love either of the names.it was almost that her name was the one thing i could change .these were the real reasons why anything negative said about either in rl or on naming websites would start me worrying again.

  like you i really want to move on and put this behind me and put the feelings of sadness /remorse behind me but sometimes emotions get the better of me and i head back into if only we'd called her that territory but it is getting better and i can now say without complete honesty she has 3 beautiful names and i love them all and i actually wish we'd never changed it in the first place. although i still feel irritated with dh for being so <span class="line-through">bloody minded</span> stubborn .feeling at peace with her names is  something i would never have believed possible even a month ago .
        before you decide to do anything eg adding a mn or putting a longer name on her bc as others have suggested , just make sure there is no other reason why you feel like this as if that's the case changing her name may not improve things but only exacerbate those feelings .

sorry for the long post and good luck whatever you decide .

I know how you feel onlyaname, I agreed to a name choice which I very much regret now at 7 months old. I feel terrible as I should be enjoying my baby every second, instead the thought of changing her name is on my mind constantly. I kind of agreed to a name as a compromise to please my older son and my husband, now I know that they would've got used to other names as well, unlike me :(

onlyaname - laughed at the thought of your huisband getting excited at meeting another Ava! Maybe that is a normal, sensible reaction and one I need to cultivate. I agree with freesias it may be something else on your mind which is being deflected into the name thing, I think this has definitely been the case for me. Anyway, I hope you feel better about it soon, I would not change it at this stage - it is her name now. Just remember it is a lovely name as lots of posters have said.

some statistics in 2009 there were 2,827 avas which is about 1 in every 111 little girls . i hope that helps you feel a little more settled in your choice .try to ignore those people who say it's not very original or common they're the very same people who would be criticizing you if you'd called her boadicea or ethelburga because it's far too unusual and original .

freesias - you have touched a nerve - yes I think there are other issues and my Dd's birth was rather difficult to say the least and I know I did feel as though i'd let her down by puting her in some danger. (Not my fault at all - no ones really.) So like you I think her name was something I could control and perhaps still want to control. In fact one reason we went for Ava was the associated meaning "life" because she made it through a difficult birth and the first few, difficult, hours of life. Like you any comments about the name get me thinking and worrying all over again. Take it very personally. I also have created a name list - crazy I know. DH asked which one I would prefer and I really don't know... which says a lot I guess about it being more than a name thing.

I also wish I'd had better name discussions with DH - but I think that's indicative of lots of discussions we try to have!!!

Glad to hear your feeling better about your DD's name now.

Zaaaazoooo - sorry to hear you feel the same too. I hope you can feel better soon. Can you change her name?

DH was so excited a few weeks back when we were in a cafe and a little girl with the same name was in there. He tried to make conversation with her Mum about her name but the mum was a miserable cow having a bad day and wouldn't join in. He really thought it was strange she didn't want to talk names!

i can really empathise with having a name list i still try different names out on her in my head ,and although i know she has 3 beautiful names , i still tend to wonder which of the 3 we should have chosen and if the one she now has really is "her" name .i still really worry about how popular each is , has been or will become .
is there anyone you can talk to about your birth experience , i spoke to a counsellor recently which really helped and i i think is part of the reason i've begun to accept her names
there does appear to be a recurring theme with these name regret threads ie partners who don't really engage in the naming process and mothers who eventually accept their partners choice when in reality they wish they'd fought harder for their own choices .

OP - every other child I meet is called Isabella, as far as I can tell (name of DD1), and, although I do sometimes feel a bit unoriginal, all the other mothers that I've spoken to about it (which is a lot as there are a hell of a lot of them!) find it hilarious and rather lovely that it's such a gorgeous name that there are zillions of them out there. I am delighted that there are so many of them. Ava is, I think, less rife than Isabella, although perhaps I just don't notice it, because I'm looking out for Isabella. And I wonder if perhaps that is the same case for your daughter's name? You are listening out for it, so hear it every where. But, it is a beautiful name and she is very lucky to have such a gorgeous name to carry with her.

The reason it's popular is that it's lovely and it's not going to make her life hell if she meets other children with the same name. I remember being rather chuffed when I met other people with the same name as me when I was little. It's like having your own little club!

A midwife did go through all my notes with me but she wasn't that helpful really. Perhaps I do need to see someone.

I also worry about where her name will end up on popularity lists, but I wonder if it's just a specific way of worrying about her future - when actually I'm worried about her future in general - hope that makes sense???

Agree that partners not engaging with naming process is a recurring theme.

My DH when he hears a new baby girls name quite often says thats pretty wht didn't you suggest that - that comment alone drives me mad but sometimes it is a name I suggested but he said no!!! (to be fair he has a shocking memory). He wasn't that great t coming up with suggestions tbh. Drove me nuts.

my dh does exactly the same . we should have called her x , oh you mean the x you vetoed emphatically when i mentioned it before she arrived . it's at those moments i want to string him up .