Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Hello all, first timer here that has had a recommendation to come onto this thread by ghislaine and manitz, both answering my plea for help after going through a TOP last Wednesday at 13 weeks. Our little one had a nuchal of 6.4mm and was completely surrounded by fluid; the consultant due to do our CVS, (there was a really high possibility of Edward's) also discovered baby had a diaphramatic hernia, where her stomach had not developed properly and her intestines were growing outside her body. In the space of 48 hours our choices went from what names to choose to deciding between TOP or waiting for the inevitable miscarriage as little one could only survive a few weeks more at most.

The chance that the baby could be in pain, and knowing there was no way she could survive, made our decision easier, if these decisions can ever be easy, but my partner and I are still devastated and in shock. I am dreading tomorrow, the first week anniversary.

I guess what I am really looking for is some hope, real experiences from real people that prove that it will get better and hopefully give us the confidence to try again. We both really want a baby, and know that we will try again, but I really want to be able to start looking forward with hope, not dread.

Will spend this evening reading through the other 25 pages of this thread, but from what I can see, there are a lot of brave ladies out there. Thank you for sharing your stories, giving others hope and support.

Hi mrsbigz, you won't help but feel empty afterwards. I felt shit but then saw my dd's and had to function for them. I let myself grieve but also tried to focus on how amazing it was that I had them and just tried not to shout at them so much and give them as many hugs as i could. i would say I was in a fug for a good 3 months. But the bad days start to space out and come less frequently and I still enjoyed things around that time, just that I was a bit numb. I hope you get a quick labour tomorrow.

Cinnamondog, I've already told you my story. I just saw your last post on the other thread about the other women in the centre and I'm really sorry that was your experience. I am glad you have found this thread and hope it gives you some comfort as you work through your grief. xx

Welcome to Big and to CinnamonDog. Big, I am so sorry that your baby is so sick and understand the decision you have reached. See paragraph below on my experience of induced labour with 2 terminations. Dog, I am sorry to hear about your baby. I didn't have a surgical termination but did share the disbelief (and actually well over 2 years after my first termination, I still don't quite believe it). And I can offer hope - I have had 2 terminations, for unrelated but fatal conditions, but I also have 2 healthy little girls.

Big - I was induced at 13 weeks with first sick baby, and at 20 weeks with the second. In both cases it was quite quick - over in a few hours. The placenta took longer with the 13 week baby, but otherwise the labour was faster than for the 20 week one. I had paracetamol with the 13 week one, and had gas and air and diamorphine with the 20 weeker. I slightly regret the morphine, because it made me sleepy and not very compos mentis when my baby was born, BUT it also got me through and maybe I needed to be a bit out of it. I saw both babies, and held the bigger one (the first was tiny; I held her in her little basket, but couldn't give her a cuddle, per se). I hadn't wanted to see the first baby, but I decided I would regret not doing so and am so glad I did. I will remember the time with the babies forever - it was special, somehow. And yes, labour hurt, but tbh the births were much less horrible than I had feared because I felt close to the babies somehow. And the limbo between diagnosis and termination was horrid, so I felt somehow lightened by the births. Midwives were totally non-judgemental (though variably competent!) and in the case of the 20 week baby, very very kind and gentle. I also had the chaplain bless the 20 week baby - he was gentle too. Good luck tomorrow.

Hi Bluecat and Erin and Louzie and Cremegg. So many trips overseas (jealous emoticon needed)! Louzie, good to hear from you, and that you are okay, and agree entirely with your carpe diem feelings. Erin, Bluecat, how are you?

Cherry, I'll reply to you on the other thread as it feels more fitting there.

I just wanted to say, has anyone heard from Scrumdiddly at any point? She stopped posting when having serious marital problems; I hope these have resolved themselves. Peanut, as a related aside, fertility issues really shake couple's foundations - good luck with that.

Big, will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Ghislaine thank you for your reply, sorry for the situation you find yourself in, I hope things change for the better soon.

Peanuthead Its good to off load as you said, and its good that you feel at home here, rant as much as you need to. I'm sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment, I hope that you get some good support in RL. xx

Cremegg I feel that too, 2011 was the year I was going to have my baby and its so hard excepting another year will go past before I get there.

Louzie I'm glad that your due date went as well as can be expected and you were able to have a good time with your family.

Cherry thank you for your kind words and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Mrsbigz thinking of you for tomorrow, the beat advice ive had is to be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time x

Cinnamondog I'm sorry that you find yourself here and for the loss of your baby girl, I hope you find the thread supportive, I have got so much from talking to people who understand what its like.

love to everyone xx

Flower, we cross-posted, ish. Just wanted to say I understand about the birth year - I had twice been pregnant with babies due in 2009, lost both, and was quite irrational about waiting till 2010 - but I got there. You will, too - as someone (Cherry?) said, it hasn't been too long for you. It just feels interminably long. Good good luck.

mrsbigz, I dont know if you will get this in time (it may not matter anyway). One thing to think about if you haven't already is whether you want to have a burial or cremation and if it's cremation, what will you want to do with the ashes? If you read back you will see we have all done different things - you will know what your heart is telling you to do. Thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you strength.

Mrs Bigz - I have followed your journey from the other thread and cannot imagine the heartache - you will know what is the best thing to do at every stage - just rely on your heart head and other half. Thinking of you lots at this difficult time and if I had a magic wand I would wave it in your direction.
Sending you the biggest hugs ever - we are all here for you xxx

mrsbigz - I wish there was something I could do or say to make sense of what you are experiencing today. I can only tell you that you are right; though it is no less painful, to be out of 'limbo' does make coming to terms with the unfairness of all this a little easier. One week on and despite tears everyday, I am still able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have found that I am now starting to remember the good things and the happiness my little one brought me for the time that she was here. In the early hours and the first few days, I found myself fixating on the negative. Now, everytime I find myself slipping, I concentrate on something good; especially the magic moment that my partner and I shared when little one waved at us at the beginning of that first, fateful scan. That was a moment we shared that no one and nothing can take away or spoil for us. I know it sounds such a stupid thing to suggest to you right now when everything is still so raw, but hopefully as the days pass you might find comfort.

I am thinking of you today. Please let us know how you are when you feel strong enough. Take care of yourself.

And all the other ladies - thank you! xxx

Hi cinnamondog I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost baby Harry at the beginning of Feb and he had a diaphragmatic hernia, all his organs had gone into his chest and they told us there was no room for the lungs to develop and that it was a massive defect. It's not fair is it, but like you me and my partner both said we felt proud to have known him for the short time we did. I still remember my final scan at 17 weeks were he was sucking his thumb and I remember thinking he looks so happy in there but he can't stay. Looking bk I think I always knew that there was a problem with my baby, more than just the normal worries you have with a pregnancy- it felt very different from having my little boy, well I say little he's 9 this summer!

cantdothisagain I'm ok thank you how are you? At the consultant today, not really sure why they said something about talking about our future the last time i saw him. I suppose it's nice to have a follow up and they don't just carry out the termination and send you on your way.

mrsbigz thinking about you today and i hope you are ok xx

Hello to everyone else hope you are all as well as you can be. I always pop on and read all your posts, it's very comforting to know there are others out there who understand how you are feeling. xxxx

Cinnamondog - I'm sorry to read your story. It is still very early days for you and you sound as though you are coping well. It is true that the time you had with your baby was very precious and despite her not being with you, she is still your daughter. I always felt that even though what we went through was devastating, I couldn't ever wish that I'd never been pregnant as we still had the chance to love our baby girl for a short time and that's a comfort.

MrsBigz - thinking of you today, lots of courage and strength.

Bluecat - it's interesting that you say you felt that things weren't right with your pregnancy. I felt exactly the same, right from the start and I just couldnt shake it. We got initial amnio results saying the baby didnt have the 3 main trisomies and even then when everyone was saying 'enjoy your pregnancy now' I was still worried. And it turned out of course that those worries were not founded in usual anxiety but a real sense that something was very wrong which came to light in the full results. Anyway I hope your follow up appointment goes well today. When we had ours the consultant was very positive and forward looking which was helpful. It is hard however to go back to the hospital.

Love to everyone else.

thank you ladies again. i've come on here this morning, partly to fill the void of waiting until my 2:30 appt at the hospital, and partly to try and inhale the courage of you all who have been through what i'm about to experience. i have taken to heart your stories and was pleasantly surprised last night, while sharing them with my dh, that he has changed his mind and does feel as though he would like to see our baby - he was very unsure about it before (as was i) but we both feel it is something that we would like to do now.
we have chosen a tiny teddy bear to leave with the baby, and also are going to take in a photo of the four of us (with something, i'm not sure yet what, written on the back) so that s/he knows that we only did this out of love.

this morning feels so strange, the house is quiet as both boys are with their grandparents, and nothing feels right. even getting dressed and brushing my hair seemed so inadequate - like it just isn't important in the grand scheme of things.

Cant thank you for sharing your experiences of your two losses, they have given me comfort this morning

Cinnamon i'm truly sorry about the loss of your little girl last week, and i hope that today isn't too painful for you. thank you for sharing how you are remembering the positive things about your pregnancy. we saw our LO on the scan last Friday when we had our cardioscan, and like you say, s/he looked so happy moving around, waving hands - even though the cystic hygroma now stretched from head all the way down the back. it was bittersweet last week, but i hope in the future i can remember it in a positive way, knowing that i have done the right thing for my baby.

ghislaine on monday we did speak to the nurse about possible cremation and they said that they don't tend to do that (here?) because the baby is so small...having said that i'm not sure yet what we do want to do. whether to have the hospital arrange the burial (with the teddy and photo) - i know that we speak to the hospital bereavement counsellor afterwards and hopefully will have come to a decision about what we would like to happen by then.

tricky i remember you from the other thread and just wanted to say thank you for the hugs, they are much needed and appreciated.

cremegg i just wanted to say i'm sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful little Indy xxx

cherry/bluecat - i can competely relate to the feeling that something wasn't right with this pregnancy too. it is a strange feeling, and not one that came after i had the amnio results, but one that i carried all along. i was anxious initially as i had a mc back in october, but it was more than that. i had an early scan due to bleeding at 7wks, and they found 2 sacs but only 1 heartbeat. i went back a week later, for them to confirm that one of the babies still didn't have a heartbeat, so went from a twin to a single pregnancy. all the time leading up to my nt scan i was sure that something had gone wrong, a gut feeling, so when we had the scan and they showed me my baby moving around on the screen i had about 1.5 minutes of pure heaven - until they gave me the nuchal transclucency reading and sent us down to prenatal diagnostics. since then, with the scans, amnio etc although i have tried to hang onto a glimmer of hope, i always expected the worst (and i'm usually a glass half full person). this pregnancy just didn't feel right all along. not that it makes today any easier... :(

sorry - i didn't mean to write such a long post. i just don't know what to do with myself. you have all been so supportive already and this is the only place i feel i can come to talk about what is happening. only close family and a couple of friends know what is happening.

i will come back on here and update you on how today goes, and if you are happy for me to do so, will share the news of whether our little baby was blue or pink. thank once again for your support and lack of judgement, i'm humbled by all of you and what you have gone through.

love from me

cherry/bluecat/mrsbigz - me too. My feelings about this pregnancy were so completely different from my last one, (I have an amazing 4 year old little boy). At first I thought it was because I actually felt healthy, (threw up from week 8 'till week 14 last time and ended up being medicated), but realised there was just an ache in my heart that wouldn't go away. I felt scared the whole time and was so paranoid; I even wrote my partner a long email the Monday before our scan, trying to explain that I knew something was wrong.

Of course, I then felt the inevitable guilt once the results came back, feeling I had almost wished this upon myself. I now know this was wrong; these awful things happen for no other reason than, as my midwife said, monumental bad luck. I hope none of you feel that way, and if you do, please try not to. Easier said than done, eh? Our instincts as mothers is to protect our babies at all costs, and when the ability to do this is taken away, we feel like we are failures. But we are not. There is not baby spoken about on this thread was not, and is not still, loved. And that is as far from failure as you can get.

We're none of us alone, big hugs to all xxx

I have been trying to post on here for a couple of days now but each time I try, my server goes down. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you all that are going through such heart ache right now. Mrsbigz, I hope you are ok as you can be on such a sad day, my love goes to you and your family, and of course your angel baby.

Cinnamondog, Im so sorry for your recent loss of you baby girl. The early days for me were so numb and eerily normal, I was so surpirsed at the emotions I did and didn't feel. It is such a rollercoaster and confusing time, I hope you are getting lots of support in RL.

Thinking of everyone else, sorry for such a short post, but want to get this on before I lose connection again xxxx

hello ladies,

i won't take up too much of your time, i just wanted to let you all know that my beautiful angel baby was born sleeping yesterday at 8:50pm. we named him Noah (which means "comfort, peace").

the birth itself was handled with dignity and grace. we had the most amazing MW present with us, who knew what our wishes were. i'd had a pessary to start contractions, and my, when they started they were painful. i've never been induced before and was not fully aware of how much more intense this makes them. i was given the pessary at 5pm and by 7pm i was given a shot of diamorphine to help with the pain. his actual birth was peaceful and beautiful. he was born still protected in his sac of water. dh and i had requested to see him (after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing and changing our minds) and i am SO glad we did this. he looked really peaceful :( we were able to see his tiny formed hands and feet. we could also see the cystic hygroma that was all the way down from his head to the bottom of his back. they lay him in a moses basket for us, with a tiny teddy bear we had taken in and also a photo of the four of us - which will stay with him.
after he was born, although i'm completely devasted and not stopped crying, i have also felt a sense of peace, i can't quite explain it, like a weight has been lifted and someone is reminding me that we did the right thing for Noah and our family. he is at peace now and won't have to suffer any more.

thank you so much for all your support it has been a real comfort both to me and my dh. i hope i can provide the same to other mums out there in the future xxxx

MrsBigz - I dont have time to write much unfortunately but just wanted to say how glad I am that yesterday was straightforward physically and you feel a sense of peace now. I'm sure the time you spent with Noah will be a comfort to you and your DH as you come to terms with your loss and the memories you have of him will be very special. The days and weeks ahead will likely be up and down but we are here to listen if you need to talk and to offer any help and support we can.

Love to you and your family.

Just wanted to echo the words of Cherry - Im glad yesterday was straightforward. Im so sorry that you had to go through that at all, but I am glad you got to see and spend time with your precious Noah. Something I bitterly regret not doing. Because I had a surgical termination, for some reason I was not given the option of seeing Cara. And for some reason I didn't ask to either.

The grieving process is not straightforward however. You may experience many emotions you had not expected, and not have many that you would have thought you would. Im glad you are feeling a sense of peace. I found that once it was over, a huge weight of fear and guilt had been lifted from me. Of course it was still there, but the feelings did subside over time.

Spend as much time as you need grieving. Even nearly 7 months down the line I pine for my lost little girl, but I have come to accept that we were never meant to have her with us.

Thinking of you at this difficult time, and of you too Cinnamon as this is also still a very recent loss for you. Sending hugs to all that needs them xxx

MrsBigz, thank you for coming back to tell us about Noah. I am pleased the labour was relatively speedy and that you managed to see him. May he rest in peace.
I remember being very, very tired (and yet also relieved, lightened, as I wrote before) after the terminations. Don't worry if you suddenly feel as though you've been run over or mowed down. As Cherry said, you will go up and down - someone here said to me that every emotion is normal after losing a baby, and that helped me.
Stay here and talk - that also helps.

Cinnamon's advice about treasuring the good memories of the baby is also so apt and something I struggled with initially.

Someone else who used to post here as a midwife, suggested that after this loss it made sense to comfort yourself with soft fabrics, warmth, cocooning yourself with cashmere and the like. Please take care of yourself. The worst does pass. I am thinking of you.

mrsbigz I so pleased that it went ok for you. We too could see the problem with Harry, his chest was bulging and almost twisted so we knew the scans were right. I am pleased he was born with dignity and calm. It all happened so fast with mine and unfortunately his arrival was unexpected....Something which initially made me feel very upset and still haunts me slightly, I wish I had spotted the signs but had an epidural with my other son so didn't feel much that time round! Hugs to you and what a beautiful name you have chosen xx

Cherrybug Cinnamondog mrsbigz I remember saying to one of the MW at the hospital I had felt something wasn't right and she said that sometimes woman just know. What worries me now is that in any future pregnancies I'm going to convince myself that I have that feeling again......I'm worried that after what happened with Harry my judgement maybe clouded!

Consultant was lovely asked lots of questions and wanted to know what I did in an average day etc said he was trying to asses my state of mind and he thinks I'm doing well. He said as I'm 27 with time on my side to put off ttc for six months....To have a break from hospitals and get bk to some normality......Trouble is normality for me now is that I should be having a baby, and I do want to get pregnant again much sooner. Anyhow left the hospital with a bag of condoms that he gave me and reassurance that the odds of future pregnancies having abnormalities is very very slim. I don't do odds any more the chance of it happening this time was 1 in 5000 so until I hold my healthy baby they can give me what ever odds they want!

How is every one else? xxxx

I'm afraid I don't often check back on this thread now, although I often think of all of you who are going through this. It's just so sad that this has to happen to so many of us.
I think I've been drawn back here today because we're coming up to the one year anniversary of delivering our sleeping angel boy - it's a week today actually. There is still that sense of disbelief when I think of what we had to do, but for those of you going through this now, I can truly say that it does get easier with time. It's still absolutely devastating, and I think I will mourn our family's loss until the day I die, but it is easier. I can talk about what happened now, rather than not being able to get the words out, and that in itself has helped.
Cinnamon and mrsbigz I will be thinking of you especially, going through these terrible early days. There are no words really.

Peanuthead and Ghislaine, I saw your posts from earlier this week, and think perhaps it might be an idea to start a thread for people like us. At least then we'd have somewhere to go and be truly understood. I've just started on my first cycle of IUI like you Ghislaine, although I hold practically no hope in my heart - I daren't. I have joined the assisted conception thread, but really to be reassured about the ins and outs of the meds, and what to expect with the actual procedure. There's so many different facets in my head that need to be addressed, and I suppose that helps with one of them. Anyway, I just wanted you both to know you're not alone, and if there are three of us then there must be more.

I must go, but am sending lots of love and thoughts to you all xxx

Hi Mrsbigz. I am glad you had a dignified and fairly quick birth and also that you managed to see noah. My baby's cystic hygroma was exactly the same - from his head to his bottom. I have said before that when I have had down periods following his birth, the memory of a visible problem has really helped me. I hope you find it similarly reassuring in the weeks and months to come.

take care of yourself and don't do anything you don't want to do. xx

ghislaine, peanuthead and monkeybumsmum I think a thread for you would be a really excellent idea. Not that you shouldn't be here (or next door) but it's such a particular set of circumstances you find yourselves in. It is terrible to have a termination and deal with the grief that follows, sometimes tinged with guilt and self-doubt nd i have found this thread and the sister thread really helpful but I know that difficulty conceiving is another issue altogether and sometimes even the practical issue of understanding terms like IUI prevents me from understanding what you mean and can only imagine how it feels.

My due date is 16th april. I have buried my head in the sand dealt well with everything so far I think - although I had a little cry for mrsbigz just now as it was the same diagnosis for my little boy and when he was born I was so amazed at his hands and fingernails. I think I might look at my photos on 16th as I think I need to remember and have a small concern that I've not dealt with anything at all.

love to you all x

Mrsbigz, I'm pleased you felt able to come and talk to us about Noah. Please don't worry about taking up too much of the thread, there is plenty of space for everyone and all our stories and emotions. We're all at different stages of grief and remembering. Today is the anniversary of my finding out I was pregnant. It seems like a world away and also that it was only yesterday.

Cinnamondog, Cremegg, and Bluecat, hope you are holding up. Of course it is perfectly normal if you're not too. In the first few weeks afterwards I had all sorts of conflicting thoughts: I wanted to contact lots of people and talk about my baby and experience (sometimes in a very matter of fact way) and sometimes I would find myself overwhelmed by tears at the most surprising moments.

Manitz - I'm sure you have a pretty good idea of what IUI involves from my vignette on the other thread! I'm sure that being pregnant on your due date is a very hard and unexpected emotion - there's no guidebook for what to do or how to feel. I hope you get to spend some time alone with your husband to remember your son.

Monkeybumsmum, so sorry to hear your anniversary is coming up. Mine's obviously not that far away either. I just have no idea how I'll feel. I'll reply to you and Peanuthead about TTC in other thread.

Hi I just came back as I was worried that I sounded like there was no place for you guys on this or the sister thread but that wasn't my intention at all. I just can understand that you have an extra element that makes it even harder to deal with your grief and i can understand that it is hard to feel like you are in limbo (if that is how you feel) and perhaps you may not feel like here or the ttc threads are ideal for where you are emotionally some days.

Ghislaine, yes I was going to say that I have more of a picture of it now you've told me your word for it (!) just don't quite understand the difference between iui and ivf for example. As for how i feel, I have little emotion which is why I'm thinking I might be in denial, I just think it was so much harder for the first termination that this one was nothing in comparison. Partly I think that is because it was so much earlier in the pregnancy, although I think it's because the first one was such a shock, I hadn't really ever previously delved into the world of pregnancy loss - whereas this time I was already aware that pregnancy could go wrong and I also knew that I had a termination before and I had lived through the experience without regret in general (regret was my biggest worry the first time) and I knew about the ebbs and flos of grief. At least I'm hoping that's why I'm in this position and not just too busy and leaving myself open to a ticking bomb. I kind of also think in a possibly not too overdramatic way that something slightly died in me with my first termination. It sounds dreadful and I don't mean that I've lost myself but I think I changed because of that experience.

xx

thanks ladies for being here and listening to me.

it's been a very strange couple of days and my emotions have been all over the place, i have little snippets of normality where i 'almost' forget, then something will get me and i'll be in tears again.

the bereavement nurse came out to see us this afternoon with noah's memory box; a photo of him, 2x teddies (one we can keep and one to be buried with him), his hand and footprints, and also a 'birth' certificate with his weight etc (obviously not a legal document but a record nonetheless).

she told me to go gentle on myself and reminded me my body had been through labour and birth, which is something i seem to keep forgetting, i think because i haven't got my baby home with me. with Owen (ds2) i found it hard too because he was in special care for 4 weeks, but at least with him i had a purpose, and had a daily reminder that i'd gone through labour. now, i'll go to do something and then get a twinge and wonder why!? also she reminded me about all the hormones my body has gone through recently, and that being sad one minute and ok the next is perfectly normal. i'm already dreading the first week anniversary :(

Manitiz, i hope that your first anniversary goes ok in a couple of weeks, and i'm sorry i made you shed more tears (than usual). (hugs) like ghislaine said it must be bittersweet being pregnant again on your due date (although i think secretly i am hoping that i am too). i have 2 due dates to get through this year, although Noah's will be far more painful than the first.

Ghislaine, Peanut - obviously i'm new here and have no real understanding of your situations but from what i've read i also think it would be a wonderful idea for you to have your own thread. i luckily have not experienced IF, but my brother and SIL just recently had their first round of IVF after 3+ yrs of ttc with no bfp. i'm extremely close to my brother and know how much it has affected both him and his wife. i do hope that for all of you that whatever way you are ttc it is succesful for you xx

cinnamon - just wanted to check and see how you are doing?

monkey - hope that your anniversary next week is ok, it is nice to hear that you are now able to talk about your baby boy, which is something i can only do to my dh right now without crumbling.

everyone else (waves hi) yet again it has been therapeutic for me just sitting here typing. i will no doubt be back on here again very soon. thank you again for your continued support.

kate x

Hello all,

Again, amazed by the support I'm receiving; thank you. Especially in the face of what people have been through this week, to know that people are still checking up on me, what a special bunch of ladies. Big hugs all.

Special big higs to mrsbigz, you are so brave and I echo ghslaine, thank you for sharing your story of Noah. I am real believer that the people we lose in this world are still with us, so long as someone remembers them. I know you and your DH will never forget baby Noah, and neither will any of us that have followed your story. That goes for all of our babies.

I'm doing....okay. I know it is still early days but the grief just hits me like a tidal wave, at least once a day. The speech therapist came to see my littlest yesterday and I ended up sobbing, (she knew of our pregnancy as on a previous visit she had caught me mid morning sickness heave session). Wednesday, (one week on) ended pretty badly; the light bleeding and cramps I had been experiencing turned into very heavy bleeding and intense pain. It felt like some kind of cruel joke, as if the emotional pain of the day was not enough. Luckily it passed by the next day and everything seems okay, physically that is!

The other half and I have talked a lot this week about trying again; we've decided to give it a couple of months, then start around June. Have already told him that I am resigned to a bad NT and bloods, and the inevitablity of a CVS/ amnio. I know that sounds defeatist, but I just want to be realistic, (age alone pushes my risks up, 36 in July). Also, if everything is okay, what a bonus! Have also been able to tell him that despite there being many stories just like ours, through the support and stories of real mums out there, I have learned that in so many cases high NT, etc. does not actually mean a poorly baby. I am holding onto peelprincess and her amazing story; miracles can happen!

Please remind me of this when I pop on in the future full of panic and dread!

Anyway, me, me, me! Sorry, I'm not this self obsessed in RL, but it is so hard to find people to talk to about this so these little moments really, really help. I hope you are all doing well, bearing up and being looked after by the ones you love. I will be thinking of you all, especially tomorrow, (personally dreading it, but a day is just a day, right?), and in case you don't already know, we are all amazing mothers. xxx

I don't have long but just wanted to reach out to those of you who've been very recently bereaved, because Mothers Day with its schmaltzy flowers everywhere can make it feel even worse.

MrsBig, it sounds as though you were very well cared for in hospital and that soothes, somehow, doesn't it? The two teddies is a lovely thought. I hope your boys can bring you some comfort and laughter today.

Cinnamon, I thought too that a subsequent pregnancy would mean another ridiculously raised nuchal, etc, and you know - it didn't. I was 32 when I got pregnant with the first lost baby, 33 with the second. I was 34 when I had the nuchal for Babycant, and got odds of nearly 1 in 37,000, whereas with first lost baby it had been 1 in 2 for Edwards and Pataus and Turners (lower for Downs). So odds can change.

Bluecat, I waited three months after losing the first baby and tried again. I wasn't ready before three months, physically (kept bleeding) and emotionally (terrified of getting pregnant and of not getting pregnant, both...).

Monkey, I am so sorry to hear it's a year now. Good luck with fertility treatment. I agree with you all that difficulties in conceiving makes what we've been through so much worse. I am thinking of you and Peanut and Ghislaine - Allways was in very similar place, I think.

Oops this wasn't so short. Thinking of all our missing babies today.