Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Thanks everyone, I'm finding this week harder than last, I think because it is the run up to the funeral and for some reason it all feels more real now. I think the shock has worn off and the reality has set in with all it's hopelessness and loss. Next week I'll be back to work, life will go on for everyone as normal and I'll have to just get on with it. I've been blocking thoughts a bit, forcing my mind to think of something else when Leila comes into it, which she does throughout the day. So I think Friday may bring back all the raw pain I felt the day I lost her. I suspect I may fall apart that day.

Anyway, I hope everyone is ok. Manitz - I'll be thinking of you too on Thursday and I hope the day brings you some peace and goes as well as it possibly can.

Thanks x

Lisbeth - thanks for your words and so sorry to hear about Adam. I have looked back on your posts as you suggest. I'm very glad that your genetic results were fine. Leilas translocation was very rare and the geneticist said it hadnt been documented and she'd never seen it. I dont know if its rarity makes it more or less likely to be random. I'm expecting the worst anyway as after all the bad news we've had it seems the safest way to be.

Love to Natz- I hope you're week is going ok and really hope your genetics appointment on Friday goes well.

Mishtabel - it helps to see that you dont still feel the depths of sadness you once did. And you are right about seeing Leila again. I want to see her one more time to say goodbye and I would regret it if I didnt.

Thanks x

Just wanted to say a quick hello

Manitz thinking of you for tomorrow

Cherry thinking of you at this difficult time, hope you find some peace as you say goodbye to Leila on friday, and that going back to work goes ok. x

Natz thinking of you, hope friday goes ok and you get the answers you need x

love to everyone x

Another quick stop by from me,

Manitz, I know tomorrow is going to be difficult, I will be thinking of you and hoping all goes as well as it can. Im so sad that this is the second time you have had to go through this. xxx

Cherrybug, same for you for Friday. I hope it helps you release some of the emotion you have been surpressing. If you fall apart, just go with it.

I found Cara's funeral utterly exhausting from all the pent up emotion and crying, but it really helped me. I hope you both are able get that same emotional release. I would love to say that it all gets better after that, for me, it just made our loss final and the acceptance came in when we said our last goodbye. But this is all quite recent for me still.

Cherrybug, I think seeing Leila would be a good thing too. Im sorry you have to return to work so soon after her funeral. It is very hard to accept that the world continues as normal whilst you are trying to rebuild yours. I shut myself away for a long time (as I work from home mainly, and with family when I do go into work) and still shy away from gatherings if I can. I hope you cope ok.

If Mystified is still following this thread, I hope you and your family are coping ok.

Sorry could not post longer message, hello to everyone else and hope you are all doing ok. I will let you know how we get on with the Genetic Counsellor on Friday xx

Hello, just wanted to drop in and say that I've been thinking of you, Cherrybug and manitz, this week. Funerals are so hard and not where we all should have been at this point in time. I went though ours in a daze, but I did find it comforting, and afterwards, I felt physically lighter. Things did get a lot better afterwards but I'm finding it quite hard now as my due date is soon, and it's very hard to think about what could have, should have been.

I hope you got some reassuring news at the genetics appointment, Natz.

Just dropping in to say Leilas funeral went as well as it possibly could yesterday. The chaplain was lovely and she put a great deal of thought into her words making it personal and very appropriate. I am so glad our original chaplain was on leave as she was SO much better than he would have been. Despite it being very difficult and me crying throughout I felt it was helpful and it brought us some peace and a feeling of closeness to the family who came. I now have a sense of flatness which I suspect will be with me for a good while but I know what you mean Ghislaine about feeling physically lighter - I feel that too.

Cherry, Im so glad the funeral went well and brought you some peace. It helps having a good chaplain. And I am so glad you had some of your family there. The flat feeling for me only lasted a short while, it has been a bit of a rollercoaster since then. I hope you are feeling ok today xx

Manitz, I hope Thursday went well for you, or as well as it could xx

Quick outtake from the sister thread The Genetic counsellor on friday was a waste of time. He actually made me feel worse after we saw him! He told us that Cara's Hypoplastic Left Heart is managable and not as serious as the Turners.......! I almost burst into tears and felt sick. When we told him we were told by the other Doctors that her heart condition was so severe she wouldn't survive the pregnancy, he stammered and said he couldn't comment as it is not his field of expertise. Why did he say anything then?

It seemed to me that he wanted his field to be of more importance than others so played down the heart condition. He looked shocked when we reacted so badly. He then went on to tell us that parents on other countries where he has worked would terminate for Turners alone. I dont see how that has anything to do with Cara's results.

I was right about the hospital not taking a blood sample - well I will know for sure tomorrow when I ring up the Consultant who saw us before the termination, as the Genetic Counsellor had no record of blood results. I am going to see if there is a formal route I can take with respect to how incompetant the hospital has been since we had the termination. Im just so angry that they dont do anything they say they are going to do. Im losing faith in the hospitals.

Natz - we terminated for HLH alone. At best - and I mean at very best - the baby would need 4 lots of open heart surgery before age 4 and then a heart transplant when a teenager. I had emails from 2 women who hadn't terminated for this and said they would do if had it again - one baby died at 6 m and the other had very poor quality of life and was still not in the clear aaged 6.

But also quite often with HPLH there are other cardiac issues - we had a leaky valve too so our baby would have survived only hours; if the cardiac specialist told you your baby wouldn't have survived even in utero then he was right - they don't tell you these things without alot of thought.

As usual it sounds like you've had a rubbish consultant. Sigh...

As for me - well I'm so depressed and anxious - dsepite antidepressants - I barely cope. Everyone seems to think I should have moved on by now -I'm past my latest due date now - 2weeks ago - but I'm stuck. Not helped by bot knowing why I lost my last baby and the fact that everyone else can get pg again within months. My notes still lost, still chasing, still waiting for counselling. Feel like DDs life is passing me by while I sit depressed. And she might be my only DD so what a waste. Flle like my life has been a waste too.

Hi to Monkeybum, Always, Lisbeth if you're out there.

Natz - sorry to hear your appointment with the geneticist didnt go well. I hope you got on a bit better with the consultant when you called and got some answers about Cara's blood sample. You shouldnt have to suffer their incompetance as well as everything else.

Peanut - I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I've read some of your previous posts so know a little of your situation. I'm so very sorry for your losses. I hope the darkness lifts for you soon and you can find some peace. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

I can relate to the anxiety, I feel anxious and worried all the time and I think its due to not having answers. We are awaiting genetic results and I am convinced we are going to get more bad news. I'm terrfying myself by googling - trying to investigate things I dont understand and then getting into a state. I'm terrified they are going to uncover something that has implications for my DD as well as us. I'm also freaking out about TTC again. My bleeding has slowed right down but I've been reading that it can take ages for cycles getting back to normal. I think I'm just worried about everything!

Peanut, Im so sorry you are having such a bad time right now. I wish I could say something to help you feel better, but I know there is nothing I can say. I hope the hospitals get their act together and find your notes! Do you have a date yet for counselling?
Nobody can 'move on' from the loss of a baby with questions unanswered and no support (counselling wise). I would have thought the due date would be a set back rather than a step forward, especially if you dont know why. I do hope things change for you soon. Take care of yourself xx

Cherry, I just didn't have it in me today to call the hospital. I was in work at 7.30am and couldn't do it whilst I was in there in case I got upset. My DH is home with me tommorrow so am going to call then.
I hope your genetic results will provide answers to put your mind at rest. I cant say not to worry because I am worse than anyone for worrying!

Google can be a blessing and a curse. I spent hours googling Cara's conditions. I had to stop as I was driving myself slightly crazy. I also bled for 3 weeks after the termination. We have been TTC for a month now, but just got my period. I figured it would take a bit of time for my cycle to calm down, so not expecting to get any results before the New Year, and if we do then we are lucky.

I hope everyone else is ok? Big hugs to you all xx

Hi Peanut. I am here, lurking, but never really knowing what to say so don't really post. I am so sorry that you're feeling so wretched, but considering what you've been through it's not surprising. It is just so unfair that some of us have to go through such heartache and trauma, and it never seems to get better. Your life has not been a waste at all. You have a gorgeous DD, and even though you can't see it now, one day you will start seeing through this fog, and things WILL get better. They have to.
I find it hard to put into words how absolutely heartbroken I still feel. Most of the time I try not to think about it, but then a couple of nights ago I had an awful nightmare that I had haemorraghed (sp?) at home, and when I woke up I realised that it must have been to do with delivering our lost ds as that's what happened at the beginning of the labour. It's always there, at the edge of everything, and I still can't believe it all happened.
How come other people can have everything go right, and as you say, get pregnant again (seemingly) easily, and yet for us it is so hard? We are trying again, but failing, and I fear we will never achieve our dream of being able to give ds a sibling. I can't even put into words how much that hurts. I am desperate to be pregnant again, to get through and past all those 'dates' where we lost past babies, and to put ghosts to rest by giving birth to a healthy baby. I want it SO much I could burst.
Ah Peanut, I don't know what to say, except we just have to keep plodding forwards, and hoping that things will improve. Maybe someone can do something about finding your lost notes? I'm sure that would help you to feel less lost if you knew what had happened. Are they trying to do something?
I am thinking about you, and hoping you stay strong. You are strong, to have got through it all in one piece.
Am sending you lots of love xxx

To everyone who has joined this thread since I was last on it - I'm so, so very sorry for what has happened to you all. It shouldn't be this way. Sorry for lack of more personals, but I'm feeling quite drained this morning.

Hi to everyone else xxx

It is so very hard, as life goes on without you - or at least that is how I feel sometimes. Like I somehow slipped off the path and can't get back on the right one while everyone else merrily trips along ahead as your calls get fainter and fainter in the background. Sometimes I feel like I am in this life but not really living it. Being passive in life rather than active; at the moment, life being something which happens to me rather than something I make happen.

I don't really know what to say that might make you feel a little better, except that you're not alone. Sometimes though (actually all the time) I think back to the early days of all this and I marvel that I am still holding it together and that it doesn't hurt as much.

It is so hard, i dont feel part of whats going on around, im not sure that i want to anyway, carrying a huge sense of sadness is all consuming, and i dont care about anything, it all seems so tivial. Im meeting my friend on friday to celebrate her 30th birthday im dreading it she has a baby which was a happy accident i am so jelous we tried for so long and now i have no baby, i dont want to be out drinking cocktials, all i can think about is i should be 6 months pregnant looking forward to my baby .
sorry im going on.... just thinking about what monkey said that i want a baby so much, i want to be a mum and the loss is so great.

It shouldnt be this way, and yet we find ourselves here trying to cope the best we can and thats all we can do.

I hope today is a brighter day for all of us.

I've been thrown into a bit of a panic. Got the letter yesterday with our appointment for the geneticist which is Monday afternoon! It seems very quick - we only got bloods taken the day Leila was born which was 3 weeks ago. I thought it would take longer than that. Was wondering whether it may actually just be a follow up appointment rather than the actual results. Anyway needless to say I'm worrying myself sick now of another potential bout of awful news.

Picking up Leilas ashes today. We've decided to keep them with us for the time being until we feel the time is right to scatter them. I'll be glad to have them here with us.

Tuesday was a really difficult day for me, yesterday slightly better. But every day she's always in my thoughts and the sense of utter loss is there. I also have pockets of sheer fury - some guy in a passing car was moaning at me whilst driving and I just saw red. Started raging at him through the window as I passed him, then promptly burst into tears and cried for the rest of the journey. Just moments before when leaving the house I was laughing at something my DD had done. Talk about up and down. The journey of grief is hard to predict and hard to navigate. I'm hoping better times will be ahead for all of us very soon making the path a little less bumpy.

Have a good day everyone. Cherry x

Oh Cherry, it is all still very raw for you. Just go with whatever emotions come your way. You are very right, grief is very hard to navigate! I also had days of many mixed emotions. It will eventually begin to calm down, but it is early days and you are still going through so many important dates and events.

I hope the appointment with the geneticist is your results, I had to wait 2 months for an appointment. Waiting can be agonising. I will be thinking of you on Monday and hope it gives you the answers you need.

Also thinking of you today with collecting Leila's ashes. I hope you are bearing up ok.

Hello to everyone else, sorry for no other personals, I hope you are all well xxx

Thanks Natz. How did you get on phoning the consultant? I hope you got some answers and reassurance.

Picking up Leilas ashes was difficult yesterday. I thought I'd be ok but when I got into the funeral place I got really upset.

This morning I was thinking about Leilas birth, the feelings physically and emotionally and the searing pain hit me again. I find my mind usually tries to divert when I think of the details. It must be a protection thing, too painful to go there at the moment. I look forward to things calming somewhat. I still keep having 'what if' thoughts and wondering if we did the right thing or if things might have turned out better than they said had we gone ahead. Pointless thinking this now but I just cant help it. Hopefully when we see the geneticist it will help to be reminded of the facts.

Anyway sorry for a fairly depressing post. Yesterday I felt more positive but today I have to admit I'm down in the doldrums again.

Hello everyone, much sadness here.

Cherry, the up and downness is normal, at least it was for me. And I too dreaded consultant appointments. Good luck next week; I really hope there is no further revelation.

Natz, I'd guess that the geneticist didnt know much about heart conditions. Worth ignoring, if you can. How are you, are you going on the meet up tomorrow, or did I dream that?

Manitz, how was the funeral? Thinking of you.

Peanuthead, I wish there was something I could say. The thing is, honestly, I can't. I have moved on from losing two babies only by having another. Each time trying again was what stopped me from going mad. The first time, I got pregnant fast and it went wrong, the second time it worked and fast. I thave no advice on how to move on other than that, and I know it's much much harder for you with a history of fertility problems as well as the two losses. FWIW, I don't think you are in a place to give up trying; are you looking into more IVF/trying naturally too? Maybe trying to plan a bit might help... but then, I guess it further emphasizes your lack of control...

Monkey, Peanut, I really hope so much that you will both soon have healthy babies. It IS unfair, and all the other words you want to use, what you've been through.

I wish I could help more. I haven't been where you are, though - I've had the raw horror of loss, but I've not spent months ttc as well. I can only send virtual hugs from here....

Cherry, Ive decided not to call the consultant. Had a long chat to DH about it as I was getting so worked up and emotional about the phone call. If they did or if they didn't take the bloods, the outcome will never change. At the end of the day the Turners was not the reason we terminated. The genetic counsellor told us that the percentage of abnormal cells (88%) from the placenta was high enough for him to be certain that he bloods would have confirmed the Turners.

Cant, yes a just about to leave for the meet up. Cant believe how nervous I am!

Love to you all and hope you are all in a better place today xxx

Hope everyone is well today.

Just a short update. We had our genetics appointment today and were told that Leila's unbalanced translocation was de novo so I am not a carrier. I'm of course relieved at this good news, though it has brought it home just how unfair it is that she should have had something so very rare. The consultant said that because it was so rare we have very minimal risk of it happening again (but of course I have the knowledge now that I could be that 1 no matter the odds) and can try again when we're ready.

Love to all

Just a quick stop in. Cherry, that is good news, if very unfair. I hope this helps with your healing process.

Hello and best wishes to everyone xx

Hello ladies,
I just found this site, and this thread, last night and it's been a great source of comfort.

We found out 4 weeks ago that our baby has developed without kidneys or a bladder leaving me with no amniotic fluid. There is no doubt that the baby cannot survive and the last 4 weeks have been like torture. At times I have seriously considered carrying the baby to term but I know this is solely because I have had such a hard time deciding to end the pregnancy. If it was physically possible I think I could honestly put off making the decision forever. But it's really taking its emotional toll on me and my family. I am very very lucky in that I have 3 healthy, beautiful children but that, of course, doesn't stop me grieving for the baby inside who kicks constantly to remind me that they're still there.

As things stand I have an appointment with my consultant today. The staff at our local fetal medicine unit have been outstanding - completely supportive of any choice we decide to make. The plan is to have medication today and be admitted to have our baby on Thursday - I like to call it 'early induction' because it makes me feel better. I know that this needs to be done at some point and can't bear the thought of being pregnant for another 15-17 weeks but just don't know where to find the strength.

I guess I just hope that all of you lovely ladies can send me good thoughts today and help me find the strength to do what I know I need to do.

Hello louzie

So sorry you have found yourself here. It is an awful situation to be in. I will be thinking of you and your baby today and tomorrow & I promise you, you will get through this.

Hi Louzie,

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. The next few days will be very difficult but you will get through them. I found the time between making the decision to end the pregancy and giving birth the most difficult because in addition to the shock and heartbreak I was very frightened. Taking the first medication was very traumatic because of course I didnt want to lose my baby. It goes against all instincts as a mother so is very hard. But I got through it, as will you.

I was induced at 20 weeks and it was straightforward physically though of course devastating. Perhaps take a little time to think about what you want to happen after you give birth. Everyone is different - for us, we held our daughter, had hand/foot prints and photos and spent that night in a family room with her. We also had a funeral just under 2 weeks ago and have her ashes at home with us now.

This thread is a great source of comfort, write when you need to, we all know what you are going through and take comfort in your family and the fact that you are doing what is best for you all which is the only thing you can do. Its an impossible situation, a lose/lose scenario, be kind to yourself, you did not want or choose for this to happen to you.

I'll be thinking of you over the next few days.

Hello Louzie,

As the other ladies have said, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Making this decision is so difficult, and the coming weeks/months will be equally difficult. I can only say that is does eventually become easier. I know this is no comfort right now though.

It is difficult to imagine how you will get through this, but you do. My DH and my children were my source of strength and comfort. My DD's had no idea what was going on, but just being with them and letting them distract my thoughts helped a great deal.

I will be thinking of you and when you feel like posting again, be it every day or every few weeks, we will all be here to offer you words of comfort and support.

Love to you and your family at this very sad and difficult time xxx

Hi Louzie
I am so sorry to hear about your baby. Will be thinking of you this week. I don't know what to say but I found it harder to find out and to make the decision than anything that followed.

Take it easy on yourself. x

Hello everyone else, I haven't yet posted about my funeral but there isn't much to say. it was a useful point of closure and it was sad as there were 5 babies and only two sets of parents, I guess people all deal with it in different ways. same chaplin as last time.

Life is quite busy at the moment and I don't have time to think. Maybe that's a good thing.

Take care of yourselves. I hope everyone is in a bit of a better place this week. xx

Hello to all the ladies on this thread, I am so sorry that you are all here, and for the losses of your children.

It's taken me ages to join, but reading all your posts has already helped me so much in so many ways. Thank you.

I'm having one of those nights where I can't sleep and I feel I really need to talk to some people who understand. This is what's happened, I still can't really believe it.

I have a wonderful 4 year old daughter, who is so so special. In 2009, I had an early miscarriage and then got pregnant again at the beginning of this year. We had a scan at 10 weeks which showed so much fluid around the baby's neck, more than 8mm, and a CVS confirmed that our little girl had Turner's syndrome. This is sometimes not so bad in itself, but in Grace's case the fluid had affected her so badly that her organs were not developing and we were told that she would not survive to birth. We took the awful decision to terminate in May.

I felt then that the only thing that would make me feel better was to be pregnant again, I hope you don't think that was heartless, I wasn't trying to replace her. I got pregnant again just 2 1/2 months later and as you can imagine it was terrifying. We had lots and lots of scans, all of which seemed ok but I couldn't shake the fear that something was wrong. This time the nuchal fold was fine, but my hormone levels were extremely low on the blood test. The hospital would not take my worries seriously, but I eventually got referred for a more detailed scan at 16 weeks which revealed various structural problems including possible brain damage. An amniocentisis confirmed Edwards Syndrome and we were told that if the baby survived birth it would only be for a matter of days. So I had another termination on Monday, my second in 6 months.

I am totally heartbroken. The two conditions, according to the genetic consultant, are not connected, and we have been told that the next time we have an excellent chance of a healthy pregnancy. But I can't imagine ever having the strength to try. At the moment, I'm finding it hard to have the strength to even get through the days.

I have seen from your posts that some of you have lost more than one baby, and this has helped me find the courage to join you, even though I wish with all my heart that the same had not happened to anyone else. If anyone has any words of support or hope, I would appreciate them so much.
xx