Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate VI

[Coffeeandchocolate]

Time for a new thread, ladies. May it continue to give us comfort, and help us find a special, sunny place in our hearts, where our babies are safely tucked in. May it bring good luck to everyone who posts or justs reads.

And to the old-timers, it?s so lovely to still have you here with us, reaching out.

Hello to newbies and I am so sorry you find yourselves in the position you are.

Louzie, I lost a baby girl at 20 weeks to the exact same problem as you - no kidneys/bladder, no chance of surviving as no lungs would develop. I feel for you because I have been there and it is so so hard to face giving birth to and losing your baby at that stage of pregnancy (yours will be later, too I guess). I can only say that the tablets and pessary were the worst for me emotionally. Giving birth meant meeting my baby, holding her, telling her I loved her - it was less awful than I had feared. I had hand and footprints and photos done by the hospital and it has helped. And the chaplain came and blessed her and that made me feel like someone else valued her as a person other than us. It is horribly hard and my heart goes out to you.

Grandj, oddly I have also had a baby with Turners syndrome, undeveloped organs and over 8mm of nuchal fluid, amongst other things. That was my first baby loss. My second was at 20 weeks as described above to Louzie. I am so so so sorry you have had to go through this twice as well. It is unfair, terrifying and agonizing. Pregnancy again is terrifying. But I went through it with head in the sand and in denial, and I got there and have a healthy 7 month old. I hope against hope you and others in similar places get there too. I think you just have to accept that pregnancy will be terrifying and do it anyway. For me it was less terrifying than accepting having no more children, and in a way that made it easier. Good luck and this is a good place to talk about all this - same goes to Louzie.

Hi to everyone else; visitors here and no time but wanted to say hello to the newbies. Big hugs to everyone and Manitz - glad you got through the funeral.

Grandj - I'm so sorry. I did similar - ie rushed to get pregnant 3 months after I lost my first to hyoplastic left heart and then I mced at 18 weeeks although the baby also had (non life threatening) abnormalities. It's awful as the two losses just get twisted into one. I too felt like I'd got pg again too quickly but it's so natural. SO many ladies on the other "pregnant" thread managed to go on to have healthy babies straight away. None of us are trying to replace our babies it's such a visceral need to be pregnant again.

I've also got a healthy 3 yr old DD and it breaks my heart thinking she might noe have any siblings. Yesterday another 3 yr old at playgroup asked her why she didnb't ahve a baby sister and I wanted to push the other child over. Not nic, feeling bitter and angry at a 3 year old.

Sorry. I wil say that it slowly gets easier but it's a very slow process. I had a very very dark couple of weeks around my due date a few weeks ago but suddenly the physical grief has lifted again and I feel a bit positive. So that's 6 months. My bereavemnet mw said up to two years - and as you've had 2 in a short space I guess it makes it more intense.

Also I kep thining Iw as going amd - anxiety attacks and utter depression - but it's normal. I personally feel that as long as what I'm feeling is normal then I can wade through it. Sorry that doesn't sound too encouraging but I really mean that don't be surprised by the strength of your grief. ANd it might manifest in strange ways - I've redeveloped quite extreme emetophobia and I know its becuase of my babies. Also I found the second loss much tougher thatn the first - the first I kind of accepted as random bad luck, the second (and like you I've been told it's all unconnected bad luck) time I feel cursed and biiter and not a very nice person.

Having said that I'm currently feeling some sort of positive things about our first baby, Ben, so maybe I'm starting to move on from that. I'm also starting to feel ready to try again - like you I couldn't imagine anyting worse than being pg for a long time. I don't think of it with joy now but it feels like a possibility (although got to have IVF so may never happen anyway)

Don't rush - there really isn't any need. I stopped worrying about age gaps etc The miswife also said to me it's undulating- meaning you have terrrible weeks and good weeks but you never know which it will be and when it will strike.

I'm not sure if any of this is very positive but then I'm only 6 months ahead of you. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and even at my lowest I had good moments with DD.

Can'tdo is good to listen to as she has had it twice and isn't as bitter as me as she can conceive. And I believe her when she syas it never stops till you have a nother baby in your arms.

"Welcome " Louizie. This is quite a dark thread but a good place to say what you need to say.

Hi to everyone else - sorry Monkeybum I didn't reply but I think we are in the same miserable limbo

oh sorry about all the typos - if I stop to reread and correct I'd never get time to post...

And also I don't sound very positive - but I've found something that really has helped me is knowing that everything is normal, knowing what to expect, hearing how other people are feeling/coping and knowing that the bleakness is actually right and ok. We've had losses beyond what most people can imagine.

Hi Grandji,

I'm so very sorry to hear your story. I lost my baby girl almost 4 weeks ago at 20 weeks gestation. I can imagine how heartbreaking it must be to go through this more than once and of course it is something I also fear should I get pregnant again. Some of the other ladies are much more able to give you advice having had similar experiences to you but I just wanted to say how sorry I was and that I'm thinking of you.

I think its very normal to want to be pregnant again as soon as possibe. I'm about to start TTC again and I'm scared witless. I think I will do as many others have done and try to steel myself, bury my head and take it day by day. What else can you do when you've seen how it can go so wrong.

This thread has been a huge source of comfort to me and I hope it is the same for you. Write as much as you want to if it helps.

Manitz - I'm glad you got through the funeral. I was wondering how it went for you. Its good you are busy at the moment. I am too and find that distraction certainly helps.

Thanks for all your lovely messages ladies. And so sorry to all the other mummies sufferring such terrible losses.

I managed to find the strength yesterday to keep my hospital appointment and take the medication. It was hard, but I focused on the fact that it had to be done at some point, and that now would be better for me and my family.

So that just leaves me waiting for tomorrow. I've made two blankets - one for baby and one for me to keep. My girls, as well as me and my husband, have painted our hands today and made handprints on the back so it feels like we're cuddling baby when they're wrapped in the blanket. I have my girls' fingerprints in silver on a necklace and plan to make an imprint of the baby's tomorrow to wear alongside his or her sisters. Clothes we ordered have arrived and I can't believe how teeny tiny they are.

I guess what all this proves is that I desperately need some element of control about tomorrow - I need to know I've made every preparation I possibly could have. Now I just need to pack a bag and I can go. I'm feeling strangely calm at the moment but suspect that once the girls are in bed tonight it will all sink in and I may be in for a long night.

Sorry this post is a bit 'me me me' - I'm not really asking any questions, but I guess it helps to spill things out here.

hi Louzie
Sorry you find yourself in this situation, its such a hard choice to make, but in doing so we do the best for our babies, even though it hurts so much. Thinking of you for tomorrow,hope you get all the support you need, the necklace and blanket sound beautiful.

grandj
I'm sorry for your losses. I dont know what to say to you, often there are no words anyone can say to make it better. I lost my first baby in august, i understand your need to have another baby, i am doing the same not to replace but i feel its the only way i can truly deal with the loss. I hope you find support from this thread, I have found its comforting to know im not alone and that there are people that really understand what its like.

Hello all
Thank you so much for your amazing messages, I can't believe the support and love that comes off this board, it truly is probably the only thing I feel helps me at the moment, even though my OH is a great support too.

Cantdothisagain - I'm so glad to hear you have a 7 month old. It's so encouraging to hear that people can come out the other side. I am assuming your losses were before this baby, in which case it's amazing that you are still here helping others as well.

Peanuthead - your message was the opposite of not positive if you know what I mean. It's a comfort to know I am not the only one feeling like this and I really related to what you said about stopping worrying about age gaps - I think I had this idea in my head about the "perfect" family we would have (what an idiot) and I really have to let go of that pressure on myself.

Cherrybug and Flower11, thank you so much for your words of support. It's horrendous that there are so many people here in the same place.

Louzie - I know you will find the strength to get through tomorrow. For me, it was not the worst of it all by any stretch - that's the diagnosis I think - and I found your blanket idea so touching. Your baby is very loved and I believe that all of our lost babies must know how much they are loved by their mummies.

I'm having a slightly better day today, although my breasts are so full of milk it's agony and makes me feel desperate that there is no baby although my body thinks there is. I also had a heartrending conversation with my daughter this morning about how sad she was that the baby has gone away again and why did they have to go? She so wants a baby brother or sister and I feel a complete failure that I can't give her one.

Hi Grandj,

I know what you mean about the love and support on this forum. My OH is fantastic - he couldn't be anymore supportive or loving than he is, but there's something special about hearing from women who've been where I am and can relate both emotionally and physically.

I'm sorry to hear about your milk supply issues - I've been told I can ask for medication to suppress my milk supply - was that offerred to you? I breastfed each of my daughters for an extended period and the thought of having milk for days afterwards really upsets me.

You're most certainly not a failure to your daughter - the love you have for your children shines through in your post.

I so kow what you mean about feeling a failure. I feel I have let down my DD. And this evening I bumped into 2 mums who I used to be vaguely friendly with when our first DCs were about 6 months and they have both had two more since then. I also felt their pity. I knew they would be talking about em as they walked away and looking at their DCs and thinking thank god and I just hated them for it. But most definitely I feel a failre - can't get pg and can't even hang on to it or produce a healthy baby when I do.

Louizie, I second what the others have said; I found the whole birth (both) quite calm and quite wonderful in a way as I got to meet my 2 DSs. My DH found both times really really hard but I didn't at all. It was afterwards that it hit and I fell to piece so be prepared for taht. when the baby is gone, and your'e no longer pregnant. Numpty Mum who bused to post on here gave me good advice which was to go out and have some quality family time with the baby and your family. I have a photo of me pg with DD and I know it contains BEn. It's sadly a bit too late for you to do that but I remember so clearly the night before I had him and I woke up all night with every kick, and spoke to him and loved him.

Tomorrow will be fine.

Thanks Peanuthead.

I'm strangely calm tonight and there's a teeny tiny part of me who is excited to meet my baby. I do worry about after when I come home with an empty tummy but no baby.

Could you explain a bit more to me about the photo and time with your family? I would have the opportunity tomorrow to have some photos taken with my daughters before we go to the hospital. My baby is still kicking this evening and although that's difficult, it makes me feel still connected.

I'm so sorry you feel like a failure - I think you sound like a wonderfully kind,thoughtful mummy.

Louzie, I was not as far along as you are, but I remember the immediate hours after the termination were not the worst - I felt numb, but I also felt a relief that the awful day had been and gone. It wasn't till about 24 hours later that it really hit, the reality that I wasn't pregnant anymore; I remember sitting on the couch sobbing my eyes out for my lost one.

The photos sound like a wonderful idea - it never occurred to me to take photos of my tiny bump and I do regret that.

Hugs to you, grandj (I think they are generally frowned upon on MN, but phbbt to that).

I know - it's a lovely idea. Not mine! Basically it wasn't really about the photos but in fact taking bump pix would be lovely too. Wish I'd done that. Numpty mum said that once she had made the decision - or maybe it was while deciding(I think - if she ever lurks then she may put me straight but as she now has a another DC she probably doesn't)she and her family had a special day out somewhere so that she would have memories of spending time with her DC as part of the family. I had 5 weeks between my nuchal scan and my termination and we had a lot of lovely times bizarrely but there is one particular photo of me and my DD and we both look happy and I felt very much that Ben was with us - we were on a camping trip. I have it on the wall and only I know (well DH would if he thought about it) that Ben is up there with his picture on the wall.

Sadly because I actually miscarried my second baby and had pretty bad morning sickness - and in retrospect was really depressed too - we didn't do anything nice and have no pix of me with a bump. So have no warm memories even let alone any pix.

Good lluck for tomorrow, will be thinking of you.

Hi Grandj. I am another who has had two terminations but mine were 3 years apart. It must be devastating for you to have experienced this so close together. I really feel for you.

I don't know what to say but I do know that whilst logically I understand that it's just one of those things and bad luck to have two different problems, part of me also has real trouble understanding that.

I have also had a healthy son between my terminations. That pg was nervewracking but I knew I had to get pregnant as i knew i needed a baby. I think it's a natural feeling.

Louzie, I love the sound of your blankets and necklace. I hope you are able to find some joy meeting your baby amongst the inevitable sadness. xx

Manitz, I'm convinced that one day, in twenty years or so, when all this is just part of all of our life history , someone will come up with a scientific link between these kinds of losses. It seems to happen twice too often.

Maybe but sometimes there's a point where science goes a bit too far. I prefer to think it's chance as it gives us a chance iyswim.x

Louzie, thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs for this afternoon.

Peanuthead you could be me, I too am stupidly sensitive about only having one child and everyone else having more. Sometimes when people ask me how many children I have, I have to physically stop myself saying 2 (now 3 I guess) because that's how many I feel I've got but you can't really inflict the explanation on total strangers. Doesn't help that my sister, cousin and friend are all pregnant due within a few weeks of my last baby. Whose due date is the date chosen for the royal wedding, a day of "national celebration".

Hello Manitz. I'm so glad you have your son, it does give me hope. I know too with my head that they are not connected, but I think as peanuthead said earlier, I feel like I'm cursed somehow. And people (not doctors) keep saying things like "maybe it's time to accept that you are only meant to have one child". Not sure if they are trying to be helpful - but then I feel completely let down by most of my friends but that's a whole different story.

Yeah the medics have all spoken to me about "next time" it's only the stupidity of friends and family who say exactly that about it being time to stop. I've lost friends too - and I avoid so many people. It's utterly life changing.

I have yet to work out a response to the how many children question. SOmone did recently ask if I had any more and I said "not alive no". ANd they went away soon after probably thinking I'm nuts. But I can't deny my 2 boys and I did give birth to them as we all have. I'm also militant about people knowing what second trimester loss entails - ie giving birth.

Interesting how differently we deal with a double loss - I'm desperate for there to be a scientific reason - bad luck just fills me with terror as you can't do anything about that. Whereas Manitz you're obviously the opposite. Whichever it is as long as we get another healthy baby....

Thinking of Louizie

Hello lovely ladies,

I don't feel up to writing too much today, but I just wanted to let you know that our beautiful baby daughter Fern Alexandra was born sleeping on Friday 26th November at 3.27am after 15 hours of labour. I found her labour to be a strangely positive experience and the treatment we received in hospital was absolutely outstanding. We spent 15 hours with our precious baby before coming home which was the hardest part of the whole experience.

I will post again soon, but wanted to thank you for all your lovely thoughts and good wishes

xx

Louzie - lots of love to you.

I know these days will be very difficult for you and your family but I'm glad to hear you are ok. I too found Leila's birth a positive experience. Well, it was a strange mix of euphoria and heartbreak, but ultimatley I felt such love for her and that in itself is of course a wonderful thing. Despite the terrible sense of loss I was so grateful to have had her as my daughter and to have that time with her once she was born. We also spent the night afterwards with her and so I know how excruciating it is to have to leave the next day.

Take good care of yourself, I'm thinking of you. Cherry x

What a beautiful name for your beautiful daughter. I'm glad you found it a positive experience. Lots of love to you and your family x

Louizi - glad you found it peaceful and spent time with her, beautiful name. now the hard bit begins.

i am in a bit of a stew - not really sure where this should go but got back from a weekend aaway to a letter from my gp saying my test results are back from hospital and i need to goa nd see a dr to discuss.

The only thing this could be is the results from my second loss - ie maybe a reson why I lost him. I rang the bereavement midwife 2 weeks ago and asked her to find my notes and get them to the second trimester consultant to look at. I wasn't expecting anyhthing to come out of it at all. She said she wanted me to go in and see her to get them and have a chat as we're starting our IVF end dec

Now I'm terrified that they've found something awful which means I can't have another baby. I mean they can't have, logically, because we've had the chromosome tests back so it must be the blood tests. Which ciyld be really good as it could be treatable.

But also I'm, livid - my notes have been sitting in a cupboard somewhere not read by anyone for 6 months - and now they seem to have discovered something - when I was feeling realtively calm and ready to be pg again. I'm terrified again.

DH is away, dr's are terrible to get into and only 2 are any good. I'm just so worried about what it's going to be.

I was driving home feeling so content for the first time in so long and now it's gone into a haze of anxiety again...

Oh no Peanut, after all you've been through I wish you didn't have to go through all this stress. Try not to feel too scared - it may be that the drs are obliged to discuss the tests and that they won't reveal anything worrying.

Thinking of you.

Hello again ladies,

I'd like to ask a very difficult question about burial or cremation and apologise in advance if it's upsetting for anyone.

We can't decide which option to go for. I prefer the idea of burial, but I'm scared that I would never be able to move away from the area if Fern is here.

We had pretty much decided on cremation, but I've been told they can't guarantee us any remains to bring home. Our funeral director is sure there will be a tiny amount but I'm really scared to go through the process to have nothing at the end - has anyone experienced this?

Thanks again.

Hi Peanut - so sorry this has stirred things up again, it never seems to stop, does it? It's impossible I know, but try not to worry too much, I'm sure it's just a form thing as Louzie says and that they are obliged to discuss findings with you even if they don't find anything if you see what I mean. Have you got a date to go in?

Louzie, I'm afraid I have no advice on burial vs cremation, we went for cremation both times but it's such a personal choice. I will say we haven't had problems with only a tiny amount of ashes though, I'm not really sure what he means by that.

I've had a pretty horrible weekend where I just feel like I'm back to square one after a few days of feeling a bit better. It's all just so depressing, I just feel like I'm getting up and going through the motions just to get to the end and go to bed again (and then I can't sleep). So awful.