Termination after CVS results

[waffydaffy]

Hello
This is my first post, so please bear with me, I have been trying to build up the courage all week.
It has now been a week since we terminated our baby.
We found out a on the Tuesday (after having a CVS the previous week) that our poor baby had Downs. We had talked through what we would do the previous week, but to be honest, I really thought in my heart that it would be ok, so like everyone it was a complete shock.
We have two children already, and said that it wouldn't be fair to them to continue, (they think mummy has had a bad tummy this week) so we went the next day for the so called meeting with the consultant. We were in there all of 5 minutes, the moment we said about our children, and how we would cope, he starting writing out the termination form, said at 14 weeks it was too late for a surgical termination and it would be a medical one (you will miscarry he said, no mention of what this would entail).
We then went to another ward and I was given the first tablet and told to call in 48 hours to see if there was a room. Which we did, and on the Friday, it was the hardest day of both of our lives, my dh couldn't stand to see me in such pain, worse than when we had our girls.
I had to go back last Friday (mum came) for the scan to check all was clear. I thought I would be ok, but got really upset, filling in the form, asking for pregnancy dates etc (the scan was in the early pregnancy unit) and then when I glanced at the screen and saw nothing there, which is stupid as I knew there wouldn't be.
I haven't seen any consultant since the first time, and will not see a counsellor until next Wednesday. My dh is the silent type and it 'just getting on with it' but I keep crying when on my own.
We were asked if we wanted to see the baby but at the time we said no, and now I wish I had. They didn't take any photos (as far as I am aware). I just keep thinking did we do the right thing.
I also feel as though I am expected to go back to work this week, but I really am not ready. My Line Manager knows what has happened and said everyone thinks I have been ill, but if I don't go in this week, I would probably have to get a certificate - what would they put on it!
Worrying about stupid things at the moment - sorry for rambling. Just trying to get some of this out. Also now not sure if we could go through this again with the increased risk

Thank you Numpty for taking the time to write, you have all been very kind on here. It has really helped me the last couple of weeks.
I do hope that all goes well with this pregnancy for you and can understand not wanting to tell people until it is obvious.
The counsellor was lovely and it going to find out some information for us, and hopefully we can have our hospital follow-up with her and not the consultant who we only saw for 5 minutes.
This sounds awful but I have asked her if it was to happen again (not that we have talked about trying) could they not hurry up the tests so that I could have a surgical not medical termination. I was passed the time for a surgical procedure at my hospital, and it just made it all the more terrible. I know that I shouldn't even be thinking of this, and it seems so callous but I just needed to ask her.
Anyway, thank you once again.

Waffydaffy, I'm so sorry for what you have been through/are going through. I can't really add to the advice these lovely ladies have been giving you.
Just know though, that no one, not for one second would think you were callous for wanting to lessen any future potential heartbreak for yourself. It's simply self-preservation and totally natural that you would not want to go through the same trauma again. I think most of us have had questions early on regarding subsequent pregnancies. I know I did, and I remember feeling guilty about this at the time too. I terminated in May 2008 for T21 and I relate so much to what you have written in your post. Be kind to yourself xxx