Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Hello all xx

Just popping in to say hello and to say that I've been thinking of Coffee, so am really pleased that the service went so well.

Am also sending lots of love to those of you who had a difficult weekend. I was dreading it in the same way that I dread my anniversaries or significant dates - so my Mother's Day was very deliberately un-Mother's-Day-ish in that I chose to spend the weekend with my best friend in Kent, rather than celebrate it with my own lovely mum. (She didn't mind as my sister also had to work, so we're doing something as a family in a few weeks' time)

In the event, it felt very much like just another Sunday - had a slight wobble on the drive home when I drove past the cemetery, but given my fear that I would have a minor meltdown, I came through it relatively okay.

Still no luck on the TTC front but it's early days - fingers crossed I can join Katie and the rest of the gang on our sister thread soon. (Am hoping that our forthcoming weekend away in Carcassonne will do the trick... )

Anyway, much love to you all
xxx

Hello all,
I have been hanging around in the background a bit, keeping up with posts from time to time. Coffee, I am glad that the service for Silvia was what you hoped and hope that you are doing OK in this difficult time.
Everyone else I hope you are finding some peace and that the sun and Spring are lifting your spirits.
It's almost 6 weeks on for me now and I'm still up and down. I went to see a friend with a newborn today and was worried I'd find it hard, but in actual fact seeing pregnant women makes me more aware of my loss. Around now is also when the hospital said we'd get an appt for the post mortem results, which feels like another stage/hurdle in our recovery.
I have a question though that is more of a practical matter and I apologise if it's tmi. I haven't stopped bleeding yet. It was like the end of a period for maybe 2 weeks and then all picked up again with fresh bleeding on the weekend. I'm thinking this might be a period, but from those who've had to have a medical term, does this sound right? I don't feel unwell but maybe I should talk to someone about it?
xx

Dearest lovely lady Coffee
Have been at work today and out of internet touch.I am going to light a candle for Silvia.
And I can hear a peace in your voice lovey; I can. A weary, sad peace.
I have a horror of the phrase 'bless you' but somehow I feel it is the right one today.
With love
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Coffee - I am so relieved to hear your voice and know you are okay. Sad is normal. I hope this does represent the beginning of more peace for you. And I am glad that Silvia got the commemoration that she deserved.

Hi Viv, I'm sorry the TTC hasn't worked yet but the weekend away is bound to do it (and you can have fun trying anyway!). Carcassonne is really lovely.

Hi Moneli. After my first termination I had intermittent bleeding for ages - it had hardly stopped when my first period came 27 days after it, and then I bled again in between periods. GP said hormones were just settling down but I did see GP and had blood tests for iron levels, etc. I think it's probably wise to seek some medical advice though I'm sure it isnt anything.

Hi everyone else; hope this week has been calmer than the weekend.

Hi Moneli, I had exactly the same after my medical termination - bleeding got lighter and lighter (as you describe) for a few weeks then went straight into fresh bleeding again like a period. I happened to have my appointment with the consultant after about 7 weeks and he put me on antibiotics as a precaution. I don't know if it made any difference but I did stop bleeding almost as soon as I took them. Periods were pretty much normal after that. He reckoned that was longer than 'normal' to be continually bleeding, but I actually felt fine and I don't know if I believed him. Like Can't says though - probably best to run it by your GP if you can, but its most likely nothing to worry about. In my opinion, there is no 'normal' at this stage, and I don't think proper research has ever been done on how hormones settle down after the crap we've been through.

Coffee - I've been following your story as I lurk on both these threads, and I'm so sorry for your loss and have been thinking of you over the last few weeks. I'm pleased things at least went smoothly for you today. x

Thanks both for your replies. I will wait until after the weekend and then will see my GP x

Hi Moneli - I just read your post. Are you getting any cramps with the bleeding? After my last termination I was getting cramps 5-6 weeks afterwards and it turned out there was still some, what they charmingly call, "product" left behind that was still receiving a bloody supply from me which was causing me to bleed. My doctor did a pregnancy test which showed up +ve and sent me to the EPU where they scanned me and found this was the reason for the +ve result and bleeding/cramps. They gave me strong antibiotics which moved some of it on but not all and ended up having an ERPC 2 weeks later. I'm sure everything will be fine but it's definitely worth seeing your doctor if you're worried.

Viv - the sister thread seems to now be for those who are pregnant and TTC as a few of us sadly are not pregnant anymore and back on the trying again mission so you're welcome to come and join us anytime.

Sorry I've been a bit aloof on this thread. So many of you are going through sad times and the moment and I really feel for you. Things have been a bit stressful for me recently with one thing and another and now that I am TTC again for the 5th time, still with nothing to show for it, apart from 4 years of pregnancy acne and a couple of ugly bras, it I am trying to keep myself positive which I can only do distancing myself from the miserable feelings of loss and panic which is why I only really skim this thread here. I hope you understand.

Hi all,

Coffee, I am so glad the service for Silvia was as you described 'meaningful and beautiful'. Hope you're doing ok, and finding some peace with your DH by your side. Don't feel pressured to post, in case you feel you need some time away from all this, we'll be here whenever you need us xxx

Bezz, I don't need to tell you the same goes for you. I know you know. We'll be here for you, just as you have been for us. Your kind words and thoughts have touched me over the times, from when I was first came here, freaking about CVS, to Bella's recent illness. I will be thinking of you xxx

I'm sorry so many of you found mothers day hard. I suppose the tears were there anyway, Mothers Day just being the prompt to bring it all to the surface, which is certainly not always a bad thing. As, I think it was Katiecubs(?) said, hopefully this time next year will be better. Sad thing is that, although there may be some healing by then for those here now, there will be people fresh in their grief for similar things. It never ends I suppose. I wonder if this thread will still be active by then? I certainly hope so. Bee, you really did start something special here you know.

And Bee, your account of your first scan was really moving. Your words put me there with you and your man, and I am so so sorry you had to go through that. I have read back, over time, through your first posts on here (haven't read all of it yet, but I will). Took me ages to find it, but it felt important to me to know how it all happened, how this thread and the friendships in it came about. So many have been with you from day one. And you, so - I can't think of the word as I'm not as good as you with words (and DH's snoring is driving me to distraction!) - anyway to quote Desiderata, you spoke 'your truth quietly and clearly' even when confronted with the judgy type. I was,
and am, proud of you xxx

Viv and Moneli, so good to hear from you both. Hope you are having fun this weekend Viv (if it was this weekend you were going away). Moneli, hope your bleeding is settling down. I agree that it wouldn't hurt to get it checked out anyway, just to be certain. Love to you both xxx

Well, going to try again to get some sleep. Goodnight/morning all xxxx

PS. Allways, thinking of you. Hope you're ok xxx

Hello Kittens , x-posted with you. Will pop in next door tomorrow. Must sleep now (3:30am here!) xxx

Hi Havingkittens, thanks for your post. I hadn't had any cramps until last week (5 weeks post tx) that felt like period cramps. My blood loss increased quite a lot for a few days and I thought it would really 'flush' everything out but now it's just gone back to the kind of low level fresh bleeding I had before. It's driving me to distraction tbh. I have taken a couple of pregnancy tests (no chance of being preg , just wanted to know whether hormones had subsided) and they both came back negative. I'm hoping that's a good sign with regards to possible erpc...
I also got some Arnica tablets today, not sure if they'll do any good but worth a try?
Anyway, have made a doctors appointment for Monday so will wait to hear what they say.
Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend x

hi ladies hope you dont mind me sitting on your thread for a while. I havent read all of your posts but it seems a very friendly thread.

After 8yrs of believing we couldnt have another baby i fell pregnant in Oct 2008. After a very poorly pregnency i lost our baby at 19weeks due to an infection caused by an amnio (the amnio results came back fine). After 9 months of fertility treatment i was delighted to have fallen pregnant again. However I had my 12 week scan and it showed exomphalos and they advised a cvs. The results came back that our baby also had patau syndrome.
On Friday i had a medical miscarriage. I went into hospital on friday and came out yesterday. I am very confused at the moment and feel very alone. I ended up in a real mess after loosing our baby last year and dread going back there. I found it all so hard to cope with. Hope this makes sense.

Just needed to chat as i am not sure how much my friends want to listen, plus they havent been there. Thank you for reading

xx

Hi Popsy

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you over the last year. Having another pregnancy end like this is heartbreaking.

I know how heartbreaking it is because I have had 2 terminations: one in 2008 at 13 weeks and one in 2009 at 20 weeks for conditions that meant the baby couldnt have lived. It really feels like every worst fear confirmed. Other people here have lived through it twice for various trisomies too - we do understand.

You must be very raw and tired and just overwhelmed for now. Try to be kind to yourself - comfort yourself as much as possible. I gather you already have one child from your post - how old is she/he? Are they helping you cope or is it hard to find energy to look after them?

We are here to talk to. It does, slowly, get easier. But for now, it's a case of getting through it, as you know. And talking helps a little bit, I found...

Hello dear ladies,

I?m back after a few days? absence. After the funeral, we went to Devon until yesterday ? initially thought we?d have some long walks, but with the rain it wasn?t possible. Also, I felt absolutely shattered and just felt like sleeping pretty much of the time.

The service on Wednesday was very short, but I did find it meaningful. However, there is also a feeling of guilt, as I wasn?t really there. Not sure I know how to explain it, but I felt somehow detached from it all, I couldn?t really understand that my baby was there and I was saying good-bye. I don?t remember all the details of the service, but I felt relieved when it was all over, and now I feel guilty about it. Above everything else, though, I know that we had to put Silvia to rest, her tiny body had already been through a lot, even if she never suffered, and it also felt right to send her off like we did. Unfair, yes, shockingly so, but I don?t think there is anything more we could have done, and this thought is comforting. Cantdo and NumptyMum, you were right, it is comforting to know Silvia?s short life was commemorated.

I know I said it before, but thank you again for your thoughts and for holding my hand through this, I actually knew on the way to the crematorium that so many people on that day will have a thought for Silvia, and this was so important to me.

Also, I want to say hi to Popsy, and how sorry I am we ?meet? on this thread. I had my termination 5 weeks ago and still feel raw every day, but most of the time now for me it?s just a deep sadness nothing can lift. I really can?t offer any good advice as it?s still early days for me, but it?s so good to talk here, and feel listened to, and feel that your babies are commemorated. What I found very comforting is that my baby girl is, in here, a real person (I know she is anyway, but so many people seem to forget that in real life), that my loss is not only the loss of a pregnancy, but of a baby, of a much wanted, much loved baby. No one in here will tell you to ?get over it? or expect you to be back on your feet quickly. I am not the only one who found this thread a lifeline, and I did ramble on and on in here, especially in the days after my termination, as every day was bringing about different feelings, and new waves of pain. You really are not alone, and please don?t hesitate to post.

Moneli, I hope you get your appointement and results soon. I had my termination about 1 week before you, so I hope to see the consultant as well in about 2-3 weeks.

Bee, so so sorry March is a horrible month for you, I hope you are feeling a bit better? Your post was so touching, I felt I was there with you in the room. You are always supporting us and finding the right thing to say, but can we support you in any way to get through this month? Gentle hug for you .

Mishta, as always, a big thank you. And I am absolutely in awe of how coherent you are in the middle of the night! Viv and Kittens, good luck with the TTC! Hello as well to LittlePoot, Gina, Bezzyk, Katie, and thinking about Babylily and Allways as well. Sorry if I forgot anyone, and I promise my next posts will be shorter, I just wanted to reply to everyone after being away xxxx

Hello to Popsy
You have suffered badly poor girl and it is just not right is it? The pain is palpable in your post; what Coffee says is right. We are here and we know how agonising this time is for you. The range of emotions is truly awesome; you need space, time and rest. You are allowed to behave however you need to.
It is just so sad.
Hold on tight; the word 'thread' implies something delicate and breakable. This 'thread' is more of a rope. Strong, very strong and unbreakable. We will tug you along the dark days.
with love
Bee xxxxxx

Oh Coffee, welcome home honey.
Well done for reaching out to us, well done for saying goodbye to Silvia. I feel that somehow she has had a little life here on our thread. You are bound to feel guilt in waves but anyone here will tell you you should not. You have acted out of exquisite love and dignity and humanity. How could you be totally present at the ceremony for your daughter? You were in shock, in sadness, in sorrow.
There is nothing more you could have done.
You wrote that.
It is so very true.
Thank you for asking after me.
Have had more relapsey tears this weekend; I feel all muddled in my grief. Grieving for the baby that would be ten months; we had our house carpeted on Friday and I sobbed as the little room should be for the baby.
And then also the anniversary of the second termination coming up on 1st April and that looms and the day was so very terrible.
I know it will pass.
I do know that as have been here before.
Big gentle hug for you
Bee xxxxxxx

A thread visitor here.

I posted here when katiecubs posted about her Turner's pregnancy as I had one 12 years ago. My baby had died by the 12 week scan so I didn't have to make the heartbreaking decision so many of you have had to make on this thread. I continued coming back, mainly to see how Katiecubs was coping but also because I found that reading the supportive posts of this thread helped me come to terms with my own loss, even though it was so many years ago. If only threads like this had existed back then. You are all amazing. I actually meant to have a look at the sister thread to see how katie's doing (hope that doesn't make me sound stalkerish) but accidentally came here instead.

My reason for posting now is that I just wanted to say to popsy1 how very, very sorry I am to hear about your loss. I don?t know if you remember me but I posted on a few of your threads last summer. I can?t believe you?re having to go through this . My heart goes out to you, as it does to all your other ladies on this thread.

So much for seeing the consultant in 2 or 3 weeks. Have received letter from the hospital today with an appointment for 17 June!!! I called back and luckily spoke with a helpful lady, and now we have an appointment for 13 May. A long time from now, but we were told it could take up to 12 weeks,so knew it might take until May. It feels like ages until then. And also, it's only today that I fully realise how much I need to try again, and how hard it will be, and how anxious I'm already becoming not knowing the cause of Silvia's problems, not knowing if it's to do with us or if it's just a stupid accident. And then the worry, what if it turns out there are many chances of this happening again?

Luckily work will be manic in the next few weeks and I hope it will take my mind off these things during the day.

Hi everyone,

Coffee, welcome back. Your account of Silvia's funeral is really moving. You really honoured your little girl that day and you still do now in your courage and dignity.
As for the consultant appointment, my advice is - don't expect too much. My experience has shown me that they often just end up saying 'this was random' without entirely knowing if there was a reason. Which is good, actually - it's better that it was random - it means you can have more confidence to try again.
Although I say confidence hollowly because how can anyone have any confidence after this sort of experience? Anyway, one day at a time - and actually busy work helped me; it gave me something else to focus on a bit, so I hope it does with you, too.

Popsy, hope you're coping. I echo the others' comments - be gentle with yourself.

Hi LongtimeinBrussels, nice of you to pop in and be so positive. Katie is mostly on the sister thread - nearly at anomaly scan stage!

Hi Bee. You and Bezzy have a tough month of anniversaries ahead. We will be here. I am always touched by how much like pregnancy twins you and Bezzy have been in terms of dates echoing each other. I have some date-similarity with you - should also have a 10 month old or a 5 month old now. But the anniversary of my second termination is much later as it all went wrong later in the pregnancy. Bee, you've been so brave - and put up with so much - and Bezzy too. We are here to hold your hands through this month. \And as you know, the anticipation is worse than the reality will be.

Hi to everyone else who is quiet. Viv, hope the holiday works its magic. Bezzy, Numpty, Mrs BG, hello all of you, and hope your quiet is peaceful rather than sad.

Coffee, bee and Cantdothisagain, thank you for the warm welcome. I am so sorry for your losses, the support you give is amazing. Its so hard to cope and find people to talk to, that actually see our losses as babies. I echo your thoughts coffee. Thank you all for being there

Bee i thought these words were brilliant,
" This 'thread' is more of a rope. Strong, very strong and unbreakable. We will tug you along the dark days." from my experience last year i had many, many dark days, a thread like this would have been a great help. Thankfully i have found it now.

Coffee i am glad you found the service for your little girl, Silvia comforting. Please dont feel guilty for not being completely there. Our sons funeral went in a blur really. I remember key parts of it but i couldnt tell you everything. I remember feeling numb and that my heels sunk into the ground, the sun shone plus other parts, words, feelings. But i am glad i was there to honour him as you did your little baby. Sending strength your way.

Yes i remember you longtimeinbrussels, i remember how thoughtful you were with your words when i was at my worst. Thank you for taking the time to post again.

Sorry for such a long post

xxxxx

Hi Popsy, how are you today?

Bee and Bezzyk, I hope you?re ok, as ok as you can possibly be. We?re thinking of you here. Bee, I read your first thread yesterday, thank you for creating this space, it is so important to so many of us, it?s helping us cope and realise someone cares and there is a still some hope after all we?ve been through.

And Cantdo, you are so right that the anticipation is always worse than the day itself, in fact can someone please remind me of this in the run up top my future milestones? Somehow we do get through the horrible days. Not sure it?s bravery or not, what choice do we have? I sometimes think that we should have a thread calendar, there are so many of us that we can?t possibly remember all the dates...

Anyway, just a quick hello from me this time, my day is going ok so far, it?s evenings I struggle most with, it all seems to build up then. I had a meltdown yesterday, and then thought that all our babies seem to be somehow together now, it?s an image I cherish.

Hello to Justa as well, if you?re reading this I hope you are ok on your own journey through grief. Ok seems an inappropriate word, but I can?t find another now.

Lots of love to everyone xxxx

Hello all,

Coffee, I hope you are ok. I know how hard the last week must have been for you. I too have the image of all our children being together, it actually makes me feel better. Its strange especially as I do not believe in any kind of afterlife!

popsy1 I am sorry to meet you under these curcumstances and all I can do is echo what everyone has said. Look after yourself and don't be afraid of saying how you feel here!

I'm afraid I had a bit of a melt down.... Last night we had a message from a friend... all it said was "had a 12 week scan, our little bean didn't make it"...... Both DP and I were upset and neither of us slept.... Today my SIL has given birth to a healthy baby girl.... Although I am happy for her I have suddenly been faced with all of the pain that I thought I was learning to cope with and have had a bit of a melt down in the office. Luckily I have managed to just shut my office door and close eveyone else out.

Sorry to unload

love to everyone xxxxx

Hi Gina, don?t apologise, so sorry to hear you?re having such a hard time. I actually have a meltdown every evening, I sometimes think during the day that it?s getting better, and then an image (can be a different one each time) pops into my head and here comes the sobbing. It can be my little one moving during the scan, or it can be me with a big belly, or choosing baby clothes or furniture for the nursery. But what I?ve noticed lately is that I seem to be more and more able to picture in my mind the alternative to the choice we made, a child suffering and not being able to live, but only to exist. It doesn?t help every time, it doesn?t help most of the times actually, as I?m crying so much because I had to make such a choice in the first place and because I just miss her, it?s as simple as that, but sometimes it works somehow. It doesn?t make me miss her less, it doesn?t take away the sadness, on the contrary, but I just find temporary relief from the rawness.

My BIL and SIL also have a baby daughter, born in January. We would always talk about how she and Silvia would be close together agewise and they had already started sharing parenting tips with us. They want to baptise their baby girl at the end of April and of course we are invited, and I really don?t know if I?ll be able to go. So I understand the mixed feelings... unfortunately it?s just something else we have to deal with, and my new rule in life seems to be ?one day at a time?.

As for the pain, I do think you are coping with it, and very well actually, judging by your posts, but how can you not have meltdowns after all this crap?

Sending a big hug your way xxxx

Thanks Coffee... My other SIL gave birth at the end of Jan, the other one today and my DP'd cousin is also in hospital about to give birth any day. We were all so excited about it, time off together etc etc...

Its just been a reminder that everything is so raw! Although I'e been holding things together the pain is still near the surface bubbling away..... There is no question that the right descision was made.... Like you I just miss her... all the plans that I made for us...

xxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry, lots of rambling today.....

Oh Gina, it's not rambling at all, it's just so bloody unfair... nothing to apologise for. Are you finishing work soon? I hope you'll have a quiet evening. I so look forward to going home and having a big, big glass of wine. I know I'll cry though, I feel it coming... lots of love xxxx