Good morning to you all, dear ladies.
Peanuthead, I do hope this week will bring you good news, we?ll all be with you in the room while you?re having the scan xx. About the antidepressants, I don?t know what to say, I have no knowledge about the subject. I don?t know if this helps, but I was actually talking to my dh a couple of weeks ago and I was telling him I was so happy I chose not to have the swine flu vaccine in this pregnancy. It is obvious now that my baby?s brain problems had a totally different cause, but if I had had the vaccine, I would have blamed myself so much, even if I had been wrong. What I?m trying to say is that we always tend to blame ourselves, and in a way this is a ?normal? reaction, because when faced with something so terrible, which doesn?t make sense at all, we are there, at hand, and it?s so easy to place the blame on ourselves and thus try to find a cause. However, I?m sure the doctors would have warned you if the antidepressants could have caused something so severe in your baby, and you did have a healthy DD while taking them.
This being said, I completely understand why you wanted to stop taking them. I wish I had something more useful to say, but I don?t. I have battled with anxiety and low self-esteem for years, but it?s never been as bad as to require any medication. The only thing I can say is that the thought which helped me many times is that I am now a grown-up, and so ?separated? from my parents. I can only imagine to what extent it?s so much worse for you, since you said both you and your 2 siblings had to put up with your mum?s bitterness and depression, but here you are though, so strong. And you hurt like hell, but you do go on, take care of your DD, go to the dreaded scan, and this is a big deal.
Justa, while it?s true that the grief of losing a baby has this against the nature dimension to it, this doesn?t mean your grief is less intense, and your anger less justified. No matter how you look at it, no one should have to endure so much suffering, and go before their time. And there is no answer, it seems to just happen, one of those things... And of course, while you have to put up with it and go on living, how can you not ask yourself why?
And you all said it?s good I channelled my anger, but I don?t think I?ll be very good at that when out in the RL ? at the moment I?m still in hiding and avoiding too much contact with people in RL, but when I go out again I?m sure it will all explode and I will seem to get angry over shopping or cleaning or who knows what.
And Bee, I hope you?re better after the visit to your friend, it must have been so hard seeing her 8-week old...
Mishta, I skim read the previous threads and I know about Bella?s birth and the problems with her breathing. Your post does show that it never goes away completely, the anguish and anger and sadness... it?s so part of who we are now, something we?ll carry with us for the rest of our lives. But this thread is proof that something good can come out if it, the compassion here doesn?t efface the unfairness of it all, but all your comforting words mean so much. Can?t, you were mentioning bitterness and jealousy, but how could we avoid them? They?re not as important I think as the kindness shown here, and after all we?re all talking about all our feelings here, and thus ?tame? them in a way.
Bezzyk, I didn?t know you are also facing an anniversary this week, so sorry and I hope the day goes peacefully xx
This is such a long post, sorry ladies, I just have to let it all out this morning. I?ve had an awful week-end, and I?m sure the next couple of weeks will be even worse. We?ve almost finalised all the arrangements for the funeral, and I?m not coping well at all. In fact, the thought of the funeral fills me with dread, with sheer panic. I think this actually caused my anger to emerge, I just don?t want to do this. It doesn?t matter, I know, it has to be done, there is no other way, but I just don?t think I can go there and see the coffin, and listen to the sermon, and say good-bye, and then come home. I hate, hate, hate funerals, and as I write this I know I?m being silly and not accepting a fact of life, but I don?t care now. It?s my old fear of death and anything related to death and also, most of all, the fact that I have to face this fear when it?s about my baby, it?s like a punch in the face. It?s just the thought that she?s still in the world now, but she won?t be after the funeral, and although I know it has all actually ended on the day of my termination and when we left the hospital without her, somehow this funeral really means we do have to say good-bye, even if we can?t let go yet.
God, I?ve gone on and on, but there is so much in my head this morning, I just had to write it down. I?m somehow abusing your kindness. I?d better go now and try to do some work, and hopefully distract myself somehow. Thank you all for listening, wishing you all as good a week as possible xxxx