Talk : Antenatal support thread for women who have chosen to terminate V

[treedelivery]

Welcome to the 5th thread.

An amazing day to begin a new journey together. The thread babies are arriving and we take this as a positive nod from the great karma controller - whoever and whatever that may be.

Good luck to our thread, to the souls who read, those who post, those who drop in to learn and hold hands.

Our cyber bench is a supportive place, we sit outside hospitals as strong but scared women go to ride their wave. We huddle in our cottage when the weather is bleak, stormy or biting cold.

When the sun shines on us we share stories of real life, gain strength and giggle together in times of warm weather.

Bloody hell, one of my FB friends has posted not 1 but 2 videos of her 4d scan. I know I'm bitter and stuff, but surely that's boring even for people without any pregnancy issues?!

Hello Mishtabel >>waves>blows kisses to Bella

Hi bezzy, sorry to hear about the shocking news. Maybe would have been better to not have known at all, all it can do is worry you. And indeed (((yawn))) at the videos.

Peanuthead, what lovely news, congratulations on the beginning of growing your little nut (OK corny joke).

Can't - I am appauled at your MIL. How can people be so cruel. Mind you my ownmother was downright hostile with my last pregnancy. She told me to "get rid of it" before I even had any testing, and asked why I didn't get my tubes tied after my last child and on and on. Of course you know her comments are total crap.

Hi Mishtabel, Bella and all

Sorry if I've not read through the posts properly my eldest is shouting (got day off school due to no water).

at can't's MIL and Eulalia's mum. So sorry you've both had to listen to talk like that from people who are supposed to give support.

BK - damn right about the 4D videos. I wish people had the good sense to know that Facebook is a place for some things and not for others!

Hello folks.

I am tentatively coming back to the thread. I can't get the peaceful time onthe laptop to really read and type. I can get the odd 10 mins int he lounge. DD2 still doesn't sleep much without me, so I'm rarely child free.

I wanted to say to PH - wow. Wow wow wow. Hold on for the next part of your life journey! Oh I wish you well Ph. Congratulations. I think, you know, it is Ok to not even feel pregnant. To doubt there will ever be anything at the end of this. To wonder how it will all happen - bonding, excitement, joy, dewy eyed mistiness. I think people who 'just get pregnant', stay pregnant, deliver a baby and start motherhood - they have the same worries. It is actually really common.
Add into that your history and experience. I actually would be a bit vaugely concerned to hear of excitement and optimism and dewyness. It would seem unrelated to the real life. Does that make sense? In other words - you are doing it. Processing and coping and waiting. For it to be ok, and then the 'standard issue feelings as defined by mothercare ads' will flow. Have faith. You are a mummy in waiting.

Can't - all I can say is that you are one of those people who the more life happens to you, the stronger and wiser you become in the face of it. In the face of unpleasantness, pain and cruel fates you are rising and growing in grace. x

To Eulalia, havingkittens, Viv, Mishta, shangrila, numpty and lins. Good luck with the ttc Viv!

Havingkittens I hope the time is passing for you. I'm sure I did, but in case I didn't, i'm so sorry. So so very sorry.

Welcome to babylily. It is lovely to have you, but I'm so sorry you have to be here. You can pour it out whenever it needs to be aired. Welcome to our little world. I'm so sorry for your loses.

I haven't read right back but is it possible the midwife doesn't know?

I have to go back to RL - but I am trying to be back. I miss you all so much. I think of you daily - but worry about posting and not being able to concentrate. I don't want to miss something, or hurt someone by an omission - you know?

Welcome back Tree, so lovely to hear from you. Please don't feel pressured to post though.

You're so right about Can't. I think the expression 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' was written for her.

Hope you're all having a lovely weekend. Capt C is at work all weekend, so a boring quiet weekend for us. I did try to convince Minibez to watch cartoons in my bed while I had a snooze today. She didn't fall for it. Damn.

zzzzzz

BK x

You are lovely BK.

i have a temperature too. harumph. Back to work Monday. I am so scared. x

Tree! welcome back. I missed your gentle kindness and generosity so much.

Bezzy, I knew there was a good reason I wasn't on Facebook - scan announcements are part of my general avoidance of easy pregnancies. Hope you're doing okay today.

I think Tree is right in what she says to Peanuthead. I didnt say this the other day - I forget half of what I mean to type - but to be honest I was half-detached initially in this pregnancy also, despite not having used donor eggs. I think it's a common response after our sort of trauma. And for you - you had your last chance of natural pregnancy snatched cruelly from you and that makes it worse. It is fantastic that you are pregnant, and we can see that, but from the inside, it's almost impossible to feel it.

Thank you for nice comments, but I am not wise or strong, by the way. I am just a bit detached and I don't care at all what my MIL says, because I know she's got it wrong. Mishtabel, I can barely believe what your MIL said about your daughter. I think it's human nature to try to rationalize and explain trauma, partly to convince oneself that we have control over stopping things happening again, and of course it's not the case at all. It isnt in our control.

Babylily, thinking of you, and Moneli.

Tree - good luck on Monday. It is easier than you think, in my experience at least - the lead-up is worse than the reality.

Hi to everyone.

Hi all and congratulations to PeanutHead. What wonderful news.
I've been lurking, just watching how everyone's getting on. I feel in an odd kind of limbo. I think my hormones have calmed down a bit, but I'm still bleeding (a bit) and can't fit into any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I know my body has been through a lot and I need to give it time to recover, but as you can probably tell from my last post, I so want to move forward, not forgetting what has happened, not at all, but just need to put my energy into taking some sort of positive action. Instead I feel like I am just waiting and that time is moving agonisingly slowly. I feel like everywhere I look in the street, every programme I see on TV, women are pregnant or have babies and I in contrast am acutely aware of how empty my belly feels. In my darker moments I have started feeling like I have failed, or my body has failed at doing something it is designed for. Rationally and logically I know that a) this is probably a very normal way to feel and b) it is of course not true. Sorry, am feeling a bit glum x

Hi Justa! did you have a good holiday?

Moneli, how you feel now is exactly how I felt after my termination at 20 weeks. Tummy saggier than it should be, yet feeling incredibly empty. Just marking time for the first period to come. Mine took nearly six weeks. And I started TTC straight away after that period and got pregnant immediately and here I am now. But I do remember that intense sense of futility and failure. I lost that baby in June and the weather was beautiful. We went to the park and the beach a lot, places where everyone seemed to have 2 small children or one toddler and one pregnant belly. So hard. But it gets easier, slowly. You just need to mark the time.

I think Justa is right Bezzy - better that it wasnt the same abnormality twice. And better of course that the baby died of its own accord and you didnt have another agonizing decision to make.
Having said that it's still horrible to process, obviously.

Can I ask a question that may prove I am mad? Did any of you have any orchids around the house when you conceived problem pregnancies?

Oh and I keep forgetting to say to Babylily - no midwife contacted me after my first loss, nor any GP, not that I had ever met any of my GPs. I did see a GP as I kept bleeding and she was lovely, but no midwife. After the second, a midwife came to our house 2 days after I left hospital and brought the photos - but she was asked to by the hospital anyway as the photos werent ready when I left hospital. She was a midwife who works at our surgery but not one I'd met. Our surgery is huge and there's a team of midwives. The ones I had met didnt come.

They have all been lovely in this pregnancy except for a locum one who was incredibly diffident at my booking in apptment and never once expressed anything sympathetic about my history.

Hope you're doing as okay as you can.

Welcome back Justa, Lovely hearing your voice again. How's your family?

Thanks for all the words of support. I guess you're all right, just so hard actually 'knowing' why the damn miscarriage actually happened.

Good luck with work Tree. I can't really speak from experience (being a lazy busy SAHM) But what Can't says makes complete sense. Like with anything the run up is always so much worse than the actual day.

Hello Moneli. You sound at peace. Not sure if I'm reading you correctly. Thinking of you.

Love to everyone

BK xx

Oh Moneli - it's as if you're speaking from my head as well as yours. I've been lying awake for hours this morning trying to work out how I'm feeling, and there it is - you've summed it up. Time has been going painfully slowly since New Year when I found out I was pregnant. Now that I'm not, it feels just the same - slow. Just waiting. Waiting for everything to be ok again. Except that it's not. And I'm struggling to believe it ever will be. And everything else is pregnant. That cow and gate advert is really getting to me. There's even a nest of baby mice creating havoc in my shed. They have to go, but I can't face poisoning them. They're not going for the humane trap but I'll persevere until I can rehome them away from the house.

I'm lucky that the bleeding seems to have almost stopped already. The surgery has been much easier for me than the medically managed trauma last year.

Can't - I'm intrigued with your question on orchids. We've got two orchids in the house, which I successfully destroyed a couple of weeks after being given them. We noticed a flower coming on the smallest one the same day I found out I was pregnant last year. It lasted longer than my pregnancy, although not by much. Then at New Year, we noticed a flower coming again and that was actually what made me take a pregnancy test. Yes, I know that makes me nuts, but it 'worked', and I was pregnant again. Although not even for long enough for the bud to flower this time. Is it the orchids? Do they have to go?! Will that solve all my problems?!!!

Been so snowed under with packing haven't been on for a few days..and have only a moment...

Peanuthead...so pleased for you, (and see where you're thoughts were coming from...just think though, that you will be the one who nurtures that little baby, everything that makes it grow will come from your body.xx)

Bezzy. What an awful shock for you... My consultant said he believed up to 95% of miscarriages were due to abnormality...and that i was unlucky/lucky in actually knowing what had been wrong with our babies by not miscarrying when i probably should have gone)...But the shock of two different trisomies, I know exactly where you are with that. The hospitals focus so much on T21, that having another different one seems so unlikely. I'm meeting my consultant soon and one of my first questions is if he knows of anyone who has had 3 unlinked, unlucky pregnancies with different trisomies. I still can't get my head around it happening to anyone twice, let alone myself. I still keep getting that heart-stopping moment when I remember what has happened and that it has really happened again.

cant...stunned at your MIL...

I'm feeling ok, started bleeding again and still have milk issues, but only crying once a day. Expect that will change this week, it's 3 weeks on tuesday since CVS and I know full results will be in which means I can find out sex of the baby. Spent hours thinking of names this weekend. Feel I have to name baby, but still feel guilty as the only image I have of him/her is on a scan and it feels as though i don;t have the right...Think I really must get around to ringing counselling, have a few issues about not wanting to eat too as dont feel i deserve any pleasure from anything. complex and stupid, i know.

take care everyone, and love to allxx

Flying visit from us. More to reassure everyone that we are still around than anything else! And of course, to catch up on all the news. One of the baby advice books that I've got describes the postnatal period as 'falling through the days', which I think sums up our life perfectly. But all is good and I'm a happy and thankful girl.

My thoughts are with LittlePoot and Kittens and those who have recently experienced new losses. So tough. Miscarriage can be such a shocking experience, regardless of how we prepare and cushion ourselves for every eventuality. Just take good care and if you can bear it, give yourselves a little time - my mantra. Bezzy, I can guess how the news of the cause of your last loss must have made you feel. We had a similar experience, but with an outcome of Turners. It felt like a total body blow to have to add yet another anomoly into our equation. I took comfort from the idea that this will equally have happened to many other women, who will be none the wiser, without the additional post-miscarriage testing. Didn't change anything, but made me feel a little more normal.

Love and best wishes to Cant, Numpty and Katiecubs - hope you are doing well. Massive congratulations to PH too. Hope it all goes ridiculously smoothly.

And also to Tree (good luck back at work. Just think, you've been a lifeline to so many of us these last months, it's almost as if you've been back at work for ages! That's good for the knowledge side of things I know, the emotional side of a return to work is a whole other thing) Eulalia, Justa, Lins, Mishtabel, MrsBG and of course, the lovely Bee - my antenatal support system.

DS is a huge 3 weeks old today and it's as if he's been here for ever. I won't bang on too much, I promise but I thought it was important to say that his delivery marked a major changing point for me. I feel healed. No other words describe it. Doesn't erase or make right what's happened in the past. But I do feel healed and I don't really think I fully appreciated before the extent to which I'd been emotionally broken.

Anyway, having just skimmed the thread, I'll now go off and have a proper read. Have a great week and I'll be back soon.
xxxx

Hi all, I've read the last few pages of thisd thread and feel its a place I belong (sadly) we have decided to terminate my pregnancy due to severe brain damaged cause by a stroke. We go back to the the hospital to give our decision on the 3rd March, we received the results of the MRI on the 15th Feb and although we knew we would terminate, just couldn't give them the answer at that appointment. We deceived to find out the gender (had Amnio at 16 weeks) and we are having a little girl. We've named her Rose. We lost her idential twin at 14 weeks, we are both totally lost, heartbroken and angry that we have lost 2 beautiful daughters.

Dear Allways - I just read your other thread, and can't begin to imagine the devestation of having received such news so late on, especially after your earlier loss. I know on our other thread (support for women pregnant after termination) there were a couple of folk who had to make this devastating decision late on for similar reasons. I think having a little time to come to terms with things helps; our daughter's brain failed to divide early on, discovered at a 13wk scan (later confirmed as patau's). However we took 2 weeks to make our final decision, partly because we felt the need to check all avenues thoroughly and partly so that we could consiously spend a little time with her. It may sound odd, but I just wanted to have some good thoughts of that time - not exactly happy memories, knowing that she would never be with us, but memories of us doing something as a family like a day trip to the beach we had, and visits to special places, that when I go back there I know she was with us and that we loved her and wanted her to be with us. I think it also helps to talk to people if you can, to process your thoughts and anger and frustration. I had great support from a lovely lady at my church, and also spoke to ARC and a volunteer at SOFT UK (support for patau's and edwards) - I think others have found SANDS useful, they have local groups. It just helped to speak to someone else other than my DH, as both of us were struggling.

In terms of what to expect going forward, I also found it helpful to get support and guidance from folk on here who had been through similar (ie in terms of delivery/funeral). Horrid to think about, but if it helps, do ask.

I am so, so sorry you have had this news. xxx

Numptymum. Like you I'm grateful for these last few precious weeks. Yes it's hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

we've done some very practical things in the past few days. We've decided on a lovely, natural cane casket for Rose and plan to book afternoon tea for our very close family and friends in a pretty conservatory in a park for after her funeral. All very difficault thing to do, but these are the last few things we can do for our daughter.

Allways,
Words just can't express..
so sorry to hear you are having to endure that you are going to lose Rose at such a late stage. I can only echo numptymums advice - to cherish the rest of the time you have with her before she goes. With both of our terminations I spent the last few days just trying to bond, to make our babies understand, and to know they were loved. Also, to contact ARC and SANDS, and to talk about it as much as possible to people who understand...Take time, take everything slowly,
lots of love xx

I unfortunately belong to this thread as well. I registered to MN in happier times, I was pregnant with our first child, who we later (at the 21-week scan) found out was a baby girl. Unfortunately it was at the same scan that we were also told she had very severe brain abnormalities which would have made her severely disabled after birth, if she was going to make it to term.

We decided to terminate the pregnancy and I was induced last Tuesday, on 16 Feb. Baby Silvia was born at 4.20 pm.

I am now falling apart. I go through the days like a robot, and all of a sudden a flashback from the birth hits me and I end up sobbing in despair. I miss my baby girl so much, and am physically ill at the thought that I will never see her again, that I will never cuddle her, and that she never had a chance to live and be happy.

I know the funeral/cremation will probably take place in the next 2-3 weeks, yet the thought of that day makes me break in a cold sweat. I have always been terrified of death and funerals, and cannot bear the thought that it is my baby girl I am talking about.

Allways, I cannot even begin to imagine how much worse you must feel after 2 losses, I am falling apart after 1...my heart goes out to you, unfortunately there are no words I can find to ease your pain.

It has been a great help in these last few days to read the posts in this thread, it made me feel less alone. My husband has been my rock through this, and I know I am so lucky to have him, but he also suffers so much, and it breaks my heart to see how he is trying to hide it just so he can be there for me.

I am thinking of starting counselling as well, yet I don't know what I could say and what they could say in return to make me feel better. If I am honest with myself, I must admit that I am afraid of feeling better, as this pain is the connection between me and my little girl.

I know that many of you on this thread have had it much worse, you have suffered several losses and have found it hard to conceive again. I have time on my side, I'll only be 30 this year, and I am aware that having another baby will bring us some peace and even happiness again, although Silvia will never be replaced in our hearts.But at the moment the pain is overwhelming, and every day just makes it harder, new thoughts and questions come up.

Thanks for reading my lengthy message, it means so much to come out of myself and shout my pain to the world, I am normally a very private person but it was all too much to hold on to this time.

Hello Coffee and Always, I am so sorry you have had to join this thread. I had a termination 2 weeks ago at 19 weeks due to my DS having a lethal condition. There's not a lot I can say to make either of you feel better, except what I tell myself and that is that sometimes life is hard, and all you can do is get through it day by day, knowing that eventually, happier times will follow x

Dear Coffee - I'm so sorry you are joining us, but you will find a lot of support and understanding here.

Your loss is too soon for you to think of feeling better. You have to feel what you are feeling, the loss, lostness, sorrow, anger... and I think talking helps express and release that, whether on MN or in RL. I wrote to Babylily the other day about not wanting to lose the raw grief - it is understandable. So you don't just pack it away and 'get over it'. You feel what you feel; as Babylily says, take time and take everything slowly. Someone described it like waves, at first the storms are crashing to the shores, but with time the waves grow gentler, they are not gone but they are bearable and part of you.

I don't know if it helps, but I mentioned speaking to a lady at my church in my post to Allways. I go to a great church and felt I could trust this woman to be supportive and not judgemental. And one of the things she said while I was struggling to make the decision is that perhaps, in a way, making this decision could be seen as releasing my DD from a path that would be far harder for her. It could and can be seen as being the loving thing to do, hard though some might find that to understand. But I found that it helped; and we were able to write the words used for the funeral service (which the hospital organised). I also wrote a letter to my daughter, which I placed with her things at the funeral.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are joining us, but it really is a place where you can talk about the pain and know that it is understood. xxx