support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Bezz - honey you are so on my page!
Wish we were in my very shiny kitchen concocting strange cocktails with preserved lemon - love it.
Meanwhile I am on the mint tea as have terrible.... IBS type, you know, wind and am not even pregnant.
What if i let off a huge one when in the middle of teaching phonics. Guess would count as a whole new sound in itself.
God.

Oh Bee, what a thought!

Preserved lemons - Moroccan tagines? but the cocktails sound much nicer. And the kitchen sounds magnificent. Are you turning into Nigella, do you raid your larder at bedtime?

Congratulations Katerina! Great news. I am so glad the risk diminished so much and all looks well. Can you believe in it now more? is your next scan at 20 weeks? when are you due? (spot the nosy person on the thread...).

Cyberhug for Bezzy in turmoil.

And hi to everyone else. I am exhausted by four days of guests and festivities, and feeling most uncommunicative. But I am thinking of you all.

Cripes i have considerable kitchen envy Bee - sounds amazing!!

I can't stop as am needing to rest up after a massive massive long tiring day - but wanted you all to know I have read and am digesting it all. Icluding a cyber G&T.

x

Golly think i have made it sound nicer than is - the kitchen that is.
Is quite small really; you know how kitchens are in Victorian houses (no extension!).
Hope you are okay Tree - have you been egging?
How many weeks is our Justa now? Golly, pooing toddler and new baby. You going to need one of those super gorgeous nappy stores in a Tree fashion. I am haunted by the pics of Tree's nappies!
Off to bed - so tired after work and... half bottle wine.
Hello and Goodbye to you all
Sending love to Katiecubs and to Tori too
Beexxx

Hello, sorry not been around much just had a 4 day break off school with in-service days. Everyone around me seems to be depressed, friend, mother and dh off work with stress so I am trying to keep them all happy.

I feel a bit confused myself as to where I am. My latest fear is that I didn't have enough scans before I made my decision, I read through other people here and they all seem to have had lots of scans. My fear is that I terminated a healthy baby (well healthy apart from T21) but say the baby was physically OK and I shouldn't have done it??? Its all just guesses and I know they did offer me more scans but I had to wait weeks before they could tell me something useful. I could have waited, maybe should have. But am probably searching for an answer that isn't there. Otherwise I feel OK really, but almost afraid to be happy if that makes sense. I get anxious about one of the kids, if they are out on a school trip and a bit late back.

Feel I can't escape things totally as its just coming up to the time I got pregnant last year and I have all that "this is what happened last year" to go through. Nothing to be done about it though.

Not caught up yet and sorry this post is a bit ME. Bee good to hear the kitchen is finished. My ds2 is still a bit rubbish with his speech/language - he calls our kitchen 'The Hungry Room'.

Will endeavor to catch up on everyone's news. xxx

bezzy - ok mrs? I hope you are gaining ground with the mental warfare.

maristella - how goes it? I think we all find out a lot about ourselves and how our minds work at times like these.

busier - funny about your oak floor as I stalk people in our kitchen as we have the oak worktops. I creep down after dh has done anything in there and check for drips. Loon. Big from me - if only to fulfill a need in me for modern. Whole house here is a full on country styleeee so a bit of shiny gloss door would make a nice change. Utility/cycle room was meant to be modern sharp lines. IS in fact modern heap of rubbish with washing machine in

But I know, kitchen. Lovely. Meant to be kitchen with baby equipment strewn far and wide. I know. Hard things happen and take away the deep joy new things can bring us. For a time anyway. Health and family - all that really matters in the end. Kitchens are nice, but without the rest, they can only do so much for the soul. You have LM and your budding adults to enjoy your kitchen and preserved lemon [tangy spicey chutney for festive meats?]. Hang in there Bee and I know. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Hello can't - hope you are ok too.

Hey Justa - loose stools seem to have hit dd2 today too. DISPOSSSSS!!??? WHAT???? Do I have to send you an xs fuzzibunz to convert you?

I'm sorry to those I have not replied too, dd2 is here [as always when I post] and is a bit...er....wild and frantic!! She has belly ache I think.

OOO btw - was it here we were discussing Krispy Kreme ages ago? I had never had?

Well, in city due to egg donation, and spotted the store. So bought box of 12. I got to try 1.5 before family demolished the rest Was very nice, have decided it is all well and good but you can't beat a hot crunchy sugar coated from a car boot sale. Am sucha slut.

To reseem myself I did also hit Hotel Chocolate and after much [much] deliberation and a phone call to check my overdraft statu I settled on marzipan coated in milk. I put the 8 other bars I wanted back. And the drinking chocolate. And the box of marzipan.And the boutique bar of 40% milk....and...so on.

That's some good chocolate

Thanks for thinking of me Tree. I still lurk here, but just don't feel I'm able to help any newcomers at the moment. Which makes me feel terribly guilty, as you were all so good when I first showed up.

Have come to realisation that the missed miscarriage hit me worse than I initially thought. I dismissed it, thinking that 'oh well, at least I didn't have to terminate' but at the end of the day, it was still a horrible shock. After 11 weeks, and no indication that anything had gone wrong.

And to make matters worse, Capt C is living up to his name, and refusing to enter into trying again. He doesn't want to even discuss until the test results come back, and has vehemently stated that if it was another T21 baby, that 'that's it' no more kids. Which as you can imagine I'm finding pretty hard to deal with. At the end of the day, I know that he's hurting terribly too, but being a man, he's just not capable of dealing with it.

So, to cope, I'm burying myself in cooking, cleaning, and Christmas. Shopping was finished weeks ago, and I've now started on my Christmas pud, which is soaking away in some obscure sherry, a la Nigella.

To all newcomers: well done on posting here, you've come to a good place, and there's not a post from someone new, that I read that doesn't make me shed a tear. And to re-itterate, the sun DOES shine again, but in the meantime, seek solace in wine and cake, works for me

Anyway, must get some brekkie and start my chores.

BK xx

PS Justaabouttoturn35?! When's the big day??

We have d&v in my house, which with washable nappies and a broken washing machines is no joke.

Eulalia - my sympathies for what you are going through. Hatefull horrible brain spirals where we grab a something, then run with it and run with it till the whole world is spinning. Such a huge waste of energy and adrenaline. It is so hard to control though, but you will get there. If you were not concerned about scans then it would be something else. I've taken a good few calls at 3am from some poor soul asking if the misc. 6 months ago was because they went to the gym and lifted x amount of weight....

Here you all have really huge things to grab onto, really massive questions left hanging in your hearts. You did the best you could on the day with the info you had at the time. It's all anyone can do.

Dear bezzy, don't feel bad. We cope with trauma however we have to, we file and pile stress until later. It will out, maybe this particualar problem feels it is time to get dealt with. Hard, hard especially with the stuff Captain C is going through too. Club together is you can, and pour it out to each other. My sympathies. Although I do have a vauge envy of your domestic Goddess status. Cooking and providing is indeed good therapy. Although as Bee says, nice kitchen - but would prefer a baby. It is no consolation as such, for such a major trauma, but cooking can help the brain and soul heal I think.

Not in my house though, it's too messy and any movement just reminds me there is barely a bit of floor to stand on. Must tidy. Sleep dd2, sleep.

Sorry for dribbling on this am

bezzy - when do you get the test results, am hoping, hoping for you it doesn't come back as a T21 pregnancy. The thing is I've read that many more miscarriages could be down to chromosomal abnormalities, ie they are more common that we think, its just that most people don't test for it.

Thanks justa and tree. I think some of my thoughts are that I do feel I could cope with a baby now, disabled or otherwise. But am I being realistic, even with my kids being older I am still run off my feet most days. The termination was largely about them, I did it for their sakes as I already struggle to hold the family together and the dynamics are hard with ds1's SN. So am forcing myself to look at the fact that things are a bit easier as an opportunity to improve their lives further and instead of dwelling in the past to think about more things we can do together.

tree - good luck with the washing, there's somthing I don't need to contend with anymore. Mind you can't seem to get ds2 out of night-time nappies, had a trial run recently but he just wet the bed twice in one week so not there yet.

Looks like its going to be one of those days where it never really gets light.

Sorry I didn't welcome the newcomers, maristella & tori.

xxx

They said if I haven't heard anything in 6 weeks to get in touch. Well 6 weeks passed yesterday. Saw a lovely GP and she's going to chase up for me.

Eulalia, try to remember how you first felt at first diagnosis. I believe when you later regret, you have to remember your gut instinct in the beginning, you chose what was right for you at the time.

BK x

Lovely ladies
It is like the old days when I came home from work and you key folk had been chatting about cake and lost babies and wine and kitchens and diarrohea and wine and men and more cake.
Excellent.
Bezzy - the small things will have to do for now darling. LM was the same with me re trying againf for some time - he is probably trying to protect you, and in shock, and not sure what the right thing to do is.
You have time. The miscarriage is a more drawn out recovery I think. There is the initial relief that at least you did not have to go through the hellish trauma of termination; then the loss creeps in. I find I am so sad about babies. I feel so removed from that part of my life. It feels like another country.
Well done for reaching out and carrying on carrying on.
Tree - the lack of washing machine sounds like one big dreadful situation for you right now honey. Wish I could send you a box of Krispy Kremes to compensate - although must say they make me a bit manic/crazy/drugged up. What would I rather have? A home-made coffee cake with walnuts and lashings of butter cream with English Breakfast tea from a fine china teacup.
Thanks.
Justabout35 - what a fab age. You are young. You are! You may not feel it but can I just say that the forties are a period of worn outness. Am I right Eulalia or am I right?
I am also thinking of your regret. Is it regret? Or is it just the shade of greyness, the ambiguity, the hell of making a life and death decision? Maybe that is the same thing. I worked today with a boy with DS. He was delightful. He was. It broke my heart.
What can I say, I know some of what you are feeling. You have to trust yourself. You acted with wisdom and selflessness and strength for your family. As did we all. But it is not easy; nor do any of us think it is. The sorrow and loss does not go easily away. Let the doubt in, let the doubt cause the sorrow, let it settle. Read a story to an existing child. Think about now.
Kisses to all that I have not said hello to - been up since crack of dawn.
Cantdo - big old Cando wave to you.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone

Eulalia (for some reason I keep wanting to call you Eugenia!) I think Bezzy is right. The gut instinct is what was right for you. Also you made a decision for your family, not for you personally. What you would personally have done, had you had nobody else to consider, is a very different question, but it isnt one you could really answer because you DID have those other children and they matter so much. The fact that you are a very caring person with a lot of love to give shines through. The problem is your situation had no simple right answers. Just horrible wrong ones, but we have to live with those - and whatever you decided it would have come at a huge cost.

Bee has wise words about miscarriage, I think. I havent had a miscarriage, so I dont know, but I can imagine the loss ultimately is just as acute.

How do our men cope? DH joined a forum (SANDS, I think) because he wanted to talk after our last loss. He emerged shellshocked by stories that were far worse than ours, and sort of drowning in horror. Given that what has happened to us FEELS like the worst thing ever, exposure to worse just made the hope even less possible. So he stopped talking there. But I think he does want to talk about it. It's just even harder for men, I think.

Bee, Bee. You are so wise and so warm. I miss you when you arent here. I know you cant be here all the time, you need to protect yourself. We all do.

Justa, I'm 35 next year too...

Tree, you are wise too. You must be fantastic at your job.

I am okay. Mostly anxious today, really anxious; it's windy, very windy, and wild, and it feels scary somehow. I am going to try to counter it with hot chocolate and TV dinner. Hi to everyone else.

OOOo cant I know how you feel on the scary weather thing. After a car crash I had anxiety issues, I have never really got back to not noticing dark windy weather,

I have no more words to add to the wisdom here. That looks bad in print - but actually, there is nothing worse than someone trying to 'fix' you when your feelings are justified, natural and real. It all needs to happen, and it's good there is this thread to recieve the words and out pourings.

Have had a hoot today following David Cameron on the webchat thing.

I'm 35 next Oct. Wonder if we wil try for a third.....???? No idea.

Hello lovely Cantdo
I can just say that i totally get freaked out by stormy turbulent weather. I think it reflects the not very deeply hidden turbulence in my soul.
It DISTURBS me horribly, as does the dark.
You are right to go for a hot chocolate, and may I add hot water bottle, comfort?
Very disturbed morning here too. Walk smallest to school and there has been a fatal stabbing on the school road; all taped off, kids gossipping about it. It was a nineteen year old boy outside the bar that my daughter and her nineteen year old boyfriend drink at. I know it is unlikely to be him; and she is away in Barcelona. But it has to be somebody. And somebody's son.
Just awful.
Tree, small seaside town not seeming so bad now.
Bee xx

How kind of you cantdo (sniff!), all so true. There is only one me and only so much I can cope with. dh much older than me, not sure if I ever mentioned that before so more responsibility for me. Hope you are less anxious and stormy now.

Bee - how terrible, that poor boy and so near to you, have they caught the culprit?

Old? Yes I do feel it at times, other times feel fighting fit and that I can do loads, probably my downfall. Longevity in my genes, my parents in their 80s and still very fit and active, but yes baby days now gone I feel.

bezzy - any news from you?

Must drag myself off the computer and do more in kids bedroom, it is a tip and have lost a library book which has been renewed 4 times and I owe a huge fine.

Have a good weekend, cake and wine to all

Re cakes- have made some Nigella cupcakes which, unlike my failsafe Delia ones, spread all over the cake tin. Had to do some trimming and tidying and they now sit happily smeared in chocolate buttercream with a white chocolate button atop.
Also have a mountain of dried fruits soaking in brandy. Probably will sit there til Xmas Eve when they will be tipped into the recycling bin.
Re the stabbing - think the police have identified the two boys who are the culprits. Sadly stabbings are not rare here. Three boys from my middle boy's school stabbed few weeks back. Is really very topsy-turvy and wrong,wrong, wrong. All of it. And I wish I knew how this all happened and became so normal. My daughter and her boyfriend knew him. The boyf saw the murdered boy last week. This is normal almost for them. It is like living in the Bronx in the seventies. |I do not understand why we are not marching the streets with placards to protect our children. Maybe I will.
Daughter says it does not happen to nice boys like mine - but of course not yet. And every boy is someone's nice boy. Going off the rails is not a reason to be murdered surely.
Cupcakes and stabbings.

Cupcakes and stabbing... you couldnt get further apart, could you? horrible, horrible, so close to home.

Speaking of cupcakes, since it's a nicer topic - I too made some today - I make mine from a little book called Cupcake Magic. Little choc ones with Nutella icing. I like the sound of yours, Bee. I see you genuinely are a Nigella-in-the-making. Do you do the lascivious tongue thing too?

Eulalia did you find your library book? Glad you seem to be at peace with your decision to move on from babies. Given how thinly you seem to be spread, it is probably sane. Hard though. Lots of hugs from here.

Good grief Bee - how scary. Blimey, crime of the year in our local paper was the murder of ducks at the pond!! Insane and cruel but hardly stabbing.

Stick with the cupcakes and focus on the granite worktop. It's all you can do. And relish the museums and parks etc etc. AM desperate to take dd to Natural History museum but train fares to London are more than flights to Nice!! So scary though. When did it get like this? I rather thought it was media hype. Seems not

Was in Lakeland today, I had a trip out to the big smoke, and saw a cake tin that bakes a fairy cake base and swirly top. I heart that tin. £28!! As we have a £30 weekly spend budget for food I couldn't quite justify it.

I guess Justa is visiting family as it's weekend - hope it goes well.

Bee, that's so frightening. Hope you are ok. Awful to have that happen so close and so sad for the families involved.

I don't think I have congratulated you yet Katerina! Thanks for coming back and sharing your lovely news. It gives us all hope.

Bezz, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. You probably did underestimate what a huge trauma the miscarriage was, and especially after what you've already been through, it just compounds it. Living with what's happened every day is the hardest thing. I hope you get the test results soon so you can at least know. It's true what Eulalia says about chromosomal abnormalities. We had something diagnosed that has a 1 in 10,000 chance of occurring but I'm sure it happens far more often than that but just never gets tested for, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything...it's just more common than the stats tell us.

Thank you again for all your kind wishes around my wedding. I felt a little like Katerina said, about wanting to share everything here and with all of you. It's been such a long journey and you've all been there every step. My last hurdle is tomorrow...a party with friends to celebrate...that just happens to fall on my due date. Oh, well. I'll get drunk and try not to think I should be having a baby instead.

I am much happier now, it's true, but, there is a but...there's always a but...I've found it very difficult to get over the impossible questions...the 'what if's' and 'why me's' which still torment me every day. Mr BG says these are useless thoughts that only lead to heartache. It's such a bad road to go down because we can't change the past, but it's impossible not to think like this when it seems that everyone else is having babies just fine (I know this is not really the case) ...at work, a lady had a baby girl this week and a gorgeous pink card went round the office for us all to sign. I couldn't. I've only just started this job and didn't know her anyway, so it wasnt really an option for me to sign it, but I couldn't help thinking that should have been a card for me.

I am hoping these dark thoughts are all part of the healing process. I walk passed the abortion clinic on the way to work and on my way home. I know the exact window of the room I was in when I took those first tablets. It used to be unbearable and I would take a 'long cut' to avoid the place. Now, I can walk by and it's a place I feel I can be close to the baby I lost. I hope that doesn't sound too morbid. I spent an extra long time near the building earlier this evening just because it's my due date tomorrow. I hate feeling sad, but I think we all need to feel this 'sadness' to get beyond it.

I'm so glad that I can come here and talk to you all. I did go through the whole feeling of not being able to even contemplate trying again. Remember, Bee, when I even 'went off' babies and the idea of having one...I don't know if it was fear or just trying to deal with the loss...maybe, this is what Capt C is feeling, Bezz. He wants to protect you too. I know these feelings passed for me and it will for him too. You perhaps need to know what happened first with the miscarriage. I will be thinking about you in the next few days.

Thank you, ladies, for letting me air. I am happy, honestly. It just sits beside the sadness...like two old ladies chatting on a park bench. (sorry that is a terrible analogy - I think I need to get to bed!)
Love and hugs, BG xxx