support thread for women who have chosen to terminate IV

[bezzyk]

Hello ladies old and new.

Here's hoping this thread brings better luck and much happiness.

Lots of love

BK xx

Hahaha Tree - yes, I'm afraid so. And they're no longer fooled by my usual disguise of headscarf and big Chanel glasses either.

Dearest Mishta
I logged on very briefly at work today; the room was empty and your post came up enlarged on the screen.
I think you have every right to rant and rave and lose it and I do not think it is unhealthy for children to hear that in fact when it is about something so very enormous.
To lose a baby is unimaginable.
I know she was a little girl.
Do not answer this question if you do not wish to; I have been wondering what her name was today. Small and precious time you had with her I know.
Those teenagers are going to love this wee cherub so much aren't they?
Thank you everyone for kind words; am less of an hysterical mess today.
There is not much can do about it all anyway.
Will wait to speak to consultant as you all suggest. You wise women you.
I am touched to see that one of the women who has just arrived on the new thread (Hello, new thread) has been lurking here for a few months. I am so glad to hear that we have provided solace.
Dearest Eulalia; I did not mean to bribe you to stay darling. I meant mostly that your voice and words and experience are valuable here - but in the end you must be self- protective. It must be healing and helpful still for you and maybe you are moving on to a new place, more peaceful. That is good.
Justa - I do hope that your dad is well cared for, peaceful, unstressed. It must be so very hard to let go, to release him.
I hope everyone is dealing with this rather grey, typically Januaryish day.
bee xxxxx

Hello ladies.

Mishta, big hug, first. You are always so brave and so well-sorted, you probably needed a meltdown. I echo Bee: please tell us about your little girl, if you feel you can/want to, of course.
And soon you will have a little baby! do you know the sex?

Bee, still thinking of you. I wonder if science tells us too much these days. The sonographer didnt explain everything, so you may have jumped to conclusions that the consultant could dispute. But I understand that the scan provided little hope. Why has 'scan' become such a loaded, scary word in our world? When other people see it as a chance to come home with a pretty picture? I am thinking of you, as always.

Eulalia, can I add my voice to those who want you to stay? I understand that you need to do what is right for you and your family. If being here is keeping you too tied to the lost baby, then you are right to leave us. But perhaps being here, even if not all the time, can let you keep that memory, connection, intact, as you help other people. Your insight and self-awareness have helped me so much, not least because you have handled this without the backup of trying to have another baby, which is the only way I have handled my losses. Anyway though, I do see entirely that here may not be the place for you to sort out your issues. If you do disappear, I hope you will return to visit eventually - we'll miss you - but I echo Bee: I am glad you are finding a more peaceful place.

OK, everyone else! hello, thinking of you all. Particularly Justa. I hope the visit to your father isnt too difficult and you get to spend some good time with him. You must be exhausted and drained; please look after yourself. I wish I lived near you and could do something.

Dear all - busy thread today. I must be brief as DH just settling DS then needs the computer to continue his work...

Mishta: I'm not surprised you had a melt down, there must be difficult memories for you to deal with, and a way of dealing with them is to know that you've got everything sorted, all the equipment you trust to help reassure you. I do hope you are able to find something that will do the job; and perhaps it was also a good time for your girls to know about your worries. Sad memories and worries.

Bee, am glad that you feel more peaceful today, I do hope you get answers soon.

Justa: thinking of you as you prepare to visit your dad at the hospice, sad times and hard to deal with with your new baby too.

sad times for so many here just now.

hello to everyone else, sorry for brief visit today, will pop over to the other thread to say 'hi' there too... xx

I have had melt downs for waaaay less let me tell you. Mainly sleep deprivation and rushing. Not a good combo.

(DH on other computer but I've now got laptop...)

Me too Tree. In fact sleep is my usual let-down; if I'm in a bad way I find myself going to bed late even when I'm tired and needing sleep, almost like punishing myself. And all I'm doing is usually frittering time away (often on Mumsnet ...)

You asked how it was to tell other people about Iola. Because I was spared going through termination in the end, even though we would have for Iola's sake, it was easier; I could just say that we'd lost a baby at 15wks. However one of the mums I spoke to then thought she'd come across a child with Patau's in previous work at a special needs school. I know that with mosaic Patau's life chances are much better, but it felt like she didn't understand what I'd said about life expectancy being average 10 days, for those who made it to birth. Felt almost annoyed, as if she couldn't see how serious it had been in our case. But there you go. So I don't know if I'd mention it again. However I did find one other mum who had also lost a baby late on, and felt very emotional that she understood how I felt and how it had been - saw her in a different light.

Hi all, will be back shortly to post properly, and tell you about my first daughter, Sheridan. First wanted to quickly thank you all for your kind words - knew you all would understand xxx

Hi all, trying to work out how not to ramble on, but can't promise anything, so feel free to ignore

Firstly want to let Justa know I am thinking of you and your family. No wonder you feel drained. As has been said, please take care of yourself

As for you Bee, so glad you had a better day yesterday. Was thinking of you as I know many here were.

And ladies, would feel more than happy to tell about my my first girl. I don't often get to share memories of her, except with dh and my other girls, so thank you for asking. I sometimes still get upset when I talk about her (mostly not though, more happiness than sadness), but that's ok; tears are good, I'm not scared of feeling sad (except on public), she was worth every tear a million times over.
As I mentioned, her name was Sheridan (my user name is a combination of the first 2 letters of my girls names - MIchaela, SHeridan and TAnika), she would be sweet 16 now (feels like yesterday at times), and died at 12 weeks and 2 days old. She was gorgeous (of course) and was just getting to the stage where she would giggle. As is often the case with first-time mums, I was overwhelmed with how much love you can have for another human being (sorry dh). I remember going around humming either 'Little Ray of Sunshine' or 'Isn't She Lovely' most days. Corny, I know. Dh and I knew she had periods of sleep apnoea and brought this up with health professionals and other parents. We were assured by all that all babies have periods of apnoea and there was no need to worry 'unless she turned blue'. Well, we could never quite bring ourselves to wait to see if she turned blue funnily enough. We often shook her awake. She had a cold when she died, which I think in combination with the apnoea is what caused her death. I just wished we had have trusted our instincts more - we were young and just thought others knew more than us. My subsequent daughters both had sleep studies. Dd2 passed, dd3 was found to have both central and obstructive apnoea ( I had also videotaped the apnoeic episodes in case they still didn't believe me). She was put on a medication which was both a bronchodilator and nervous system stimulant. The breathing monitor, which had
been going off up to ten times a night was silent after
that. Subsequent sleep study at 12 months showed she had grown out of her apnoea and she was taken off medication. To think something as simple as medication 3 times a day could have saved my first girl was very hard to accept, though I never blamed anyone (except myself for a time).
Tree (if you're still reading) I think the monitor you described is the one I mean (Grasby MR10). I got excited yesterday as there was one on UK Ebay - til I saw it had sold ages ago.
And thank you Helenlouisey for your input and the link, it's just that I trust the other sort so much, but will definately keep that one in mind.
Saw my ob today and he is organising an urgent appointment with paediatrician to try to sort it out - so fingers crossed.
One day I am going to do my profile and add pics of all my girls. Will also post a lovely letter I found a couple of weeks ago that my dd2 wrote to my dd1 when dd2 was 5 or 6. I also have to get off my chest my experience of counselling back then - it is unbelievable. But I have babbled enough for now. Thank you again for allowing me to share this with you (if indeed any of you are still reading!)

Thinking if you all xxx

Oh Mishta i just can't even find the words, you are so brave. To lose a baby at 12 weeks is just unimaginable.

Thank you so much for sharing Sheridan's story though I?m sure she was a very special little girl, and I?m glad you can look back on your times with her with happiness xxx

Thanks so much for sharing that with us Mishta. Worded so eloquently xxx

Got tears rolling down my fac reading your post Mishta. Thank you for sharing the terribly short life of your lovely little girl. I always liked your username and I think it fits in perfectly with all your girls. Would love to see some photos.

Just a brief visit today, am kind of torn between needing to forget and let go and still having some anniversaries to go through. But have found am not thinking too much about it, in fact have the anniversary of 12 week scan at the end of the month but am planning to be away that weekend so am thinking more about that which is right and good.

Justa - hope all goes well with the visit to your dad. Are you going on your own (well I mean just you and baby of course)? Hows your ds doing with SALT? The irony of the story for me & my sons was that 6 years ago when my eldest desperately needed therapy there was a 2 YEAR waiting list. Provision seems to be very patchy. Wish I trained as one actually.

Must go housework piling up. love to all. xxx

Oopps sorry Mishta! I meant to put a sad face in , although happy face not entirely inappropriate either as Sheridan must have brought you so much joy.

Mishta, your story is heartbreaking. I'm glad you have happy memories of your little angel.

Justa, what a time of rollercoaster emotions for you. I expect you are pleased that your dad has had a chance to meet and spend a little time with the new bub. I hope you all get to spend some precious moments together in the time you have left. Sending hugs to you. x

oh Mishta. SIDS and cotdeath are one thing that totally breaks my heart.

I'm so sorry Sheridan had to go, but I'm glad you had those weeks with her.

Hang in there Justa. xxxx

Eulalia, I can understand that. I think you should go where your heart takes you. Great to hear you are going away, where to?

I think it is also possible to talk about these events, and help others if that is possible or practical, and still not have to revisit our own traumas each time. I think this because so many help groups and organisations are created by people who have gone through similar. They must find a way of separating out their thought processes.

Now that would be a huge end goal for the thread. A support group that fills the gap ARC couldn't quite fill.

Love to Bee and all. x

Mishta, thank you so much for sharing Sheridan's story. I am glad that you were so in love with her, and still love her... I'm lost for words, really but I hope with all that you've been through you manage to get a monitor to set your mind at rest. I'll see your name in a new light now, with your 3 girls standing there. Lovely names.

Mishta, thank you for telling us about Sheridan. I can't even begin to imagine how hard losing her must have been. And the story about your DD2 made me well up. I have to say - you come across as so sorted and wise on here, and you have come through so much. I have much respect for you.

Eulalia - go with your instincts. We're here, when you want us.

Bee, am thinking of you... where are you? are you okay? is LM back?

I'm a bit befuddled by the two thread thing as I can't think what to post where or whether to repeat myself. I have realized that this is a year on from my last period before Stella was conceived. A year ago I had a lot of hope, despite the first termination. I also realize there are so many damn anniversaries to get through...

Tree, I suppose we get to the point of separating our own loss from the desire to help others when we've fully processed that loss. Maybe processing the loss is marked by being able to set up spaces to help other people in similar positions. I am under no illusions: both times, my 'solution' to losing a baby has been trying for another one. And as I said to Bee elsewhere - that is not something you would do if you lost someone who had had a life. You wouldnt cope by just trying to find a substitute. Yet here I am, and here so many of us are. Eulalia, you aren't looking to replace in the same way, so you will be processing this differently. And you're doing a really good job, I think.

I'm hunting for a cheap hotel for dd1 and me in Feb. I have £0 but I'm taking her anyway. We want a girlie trip together and the train will be £75 if I buy a railcard, so I really want to do this. I keep finding good looking deals, then reading the hotel reviews and feeling scared.

Slightly off topic.......

I hope you get the monitor sorted Mishta. I thought FSID gave them out if you had the resus training? How much your name means. Bless you.

Hope everyone ok. Bee, when do you see big chief doctor?

And was Harley Street all it's cracked up to be?

Where I went to do the donation you turned left for fertility, and right for cosmetic. Made me chortle everytime. I asked if they did a deal on the cosmetic if the result of fertility treatment gave you saggy boobs and wobbly belly. No dice.

Cross posted, Tree. Are you going somewhere exciting with DD1? Can you find a hotel you could pay for with Tesco tokens?!

I don't collect those Cant, good idea though.

I just want to take her somewhere good, I thought she'd enjoy the hugeness of London [we live in a small town and even the city, 50 miles, is olde worlde] I'd love to take her to Natural History Museum and maybe to a play or something. Along the Thames in a boat and on a tube and all that. Also Bog Ben and St Pauls....can you tell I really want to live in London?

SHe was sooooo impressed in Manchester to see the trams and 100's of buses. So am thinking a tube and general city life would be a winner

Cant, a whole year since you began the the journey with Stella. So many anniversaries. So many overlaps too, anniversaries relating to different stories and experiences.

X-posts sorry.

(off topic too: Tree have you tried www.laterooms.co.uk? I use them for booking hotels for work sometimes, it's useful because you can do a search by postcode so if there's somewhere you'd like to be based, get a postcode then put it in and see what you get. I'm off to Dundee this weekend and could have got a £200 hotel room for £75 but plumped for an £89 room for £49...)

(More off topics - I have Numpty. It is their reviews that are scaring me! Rooms are all about £100 a night and seem to be Not Good. Will keep hunting....)

Oh I just can't keep up with thread - I'm so sorry, I so wanted to be able to post regularly again but it moves too fast.

Just a quick one then, to say I see the threads have been split - which is no doubt the most sensible option. In my obsession with not being pregnant I hadn't thought of how awful it would be, while pg, to keep being reminded of last time(s).

And a quick word for Bee - I'm assuming you went for an antral follicle count - I can safely say they mean nothing. I went - also to Harley St - they told me I have the ovaries of a 30 year old,(was 40 at the time) I had about 15 antral follicles ready to go. The next month I was in Turkey being told they had got no eggs out of me, that they probably never would and that my only hope would be egg donation. SO if they were wrong with me they could also be wrong with you.

It's only an indicator for IVF success - I haven't - forgive me - looked back to see if you're hoping to have genetic therapy and so want IVF. It doesn't mean you won't get pregnant again naturally - eventually. I did - took 15 months each time though and the eggs won;t be coaxed out by IVF.

If it's because you want to give your LM a child then maybe egg donation is an option. Think of it - you could, after all, have a donor as wonderful as Tree. I do have issues with it, but am pretending I don't. So I'm with you Bee, in many ways....

Actually you can see why I don't post much - my mind is not on the baby I've lost at the moment.

Hello everyone else - pregnant or not.
And Mishta, what a really sad story xx

Mrs Mishta - my dear friend - you tell the story of losing Sheridan with such strength and such love. I am sure you have not always felt such strength about your loss of her. To come through such a thing with an intact marriage, with two lovely daughters and with such a lack of bitterness is an incredible, moving tribute to your love for her.
It really is.
It is so hard to look back and think what if. But it sounds like you questioned and raised the issue of her breathing all along. Who on earth would have expected to lose her? What new parent would expect that? No one would, no one.
Here you have another chance to love and care for a little baby. You deserve it Mishta - you truly do.
I admire your spirit and your generosity to all of us here. You one cool lady, lady.
hugs and kisses across the Pacific from snowy London
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx