Okay wimin have returned for another go,
Had started by wishing that it was as snowy and frosty and wintery here in the southern realms of our thread as in the northern. It sounds super cosy and cut off from the demands of modern life at your house Eulalia and that would suit me now. Also thank you so much for offering a cyber hug. You are right, I do need it. I would appreciate it, as I am sure many of us would but am claiming your one as mine.
Many of us here have expressed the wish that the New Year brings all that we wish for. I cannot help but think to myself, if only it were that simple. I begin another year, and I try and imagine what it will bring but am so unclear and feel unable to tap into the hope and optimism about the baby part of my life at least. The loving family and home yes. The friends I have both in real life and here? Yes, all present and wonderful.
I need your cyber hugs - LM has shifted into the manly repose of rational acceptance of our past year. I feel it afresh. Partly due to the retrospective mood that a new year brings, partly the wonderful pregnancies here ( and they are wonderful).
So I turn around and around in my head; sometimes the needle sticks in the groove of acceptance that losing three babies is enough, that I am older, that I have a family. Sometimes it stops in the groove of ' let's go for an egg MOT and hormone check and see what the verdict is'. But do I want to enter that potentially traumatic, horrific world of hopes shattered, of more babies lost, of disappointment with a small glimmer of what-ifs and maybes? Do I want another year set aside for pain? Will my children suffer? Will I? Will he?
We know the answer. This is maybe how you feel Pelvicflawed and Bezzy and Mrs BG, and you have felt Cantdo and Lins and well all of us, all of us have felt some or all of it.
Othertimes I think, okay let's have one more shot of FA and natural pregnancy. But oh, how much more can I take?
Eventually I feel dizzy with it and decide to continue with the low-level anxious feelings and thoughts; on a good day there are none of course. But there is pretty much always something, somewhere to enflame the peace. A cute baby here, a pregnant lady there, mumsnet, the news. There is inevitably no answer.
The IVF route is also formidably expensive - roughly £7000 - and would be another loss, another hole in our life. I know finances are not the only reason to contemplate a child. If I thought it would work.. well I would not hesitate to find the money.
So, the new year does not bring peace, why would it of course?
Viv- thank you for your kind words and am so touched that the space we have created has brought some comfort to you. It makes it seem worth something, the journey. It brings tears to my eyes to consider that there may be souls who are suffering in silence -as many of us have in the past. Please do feel you can offload the demons of loss here whenever you feel. In the weeks and months post my terminations and miscarriage, I ranted and sobbed here like a madwoman. I was so very raw. This place has space for all of us, at all the stages of the journey, truly it does.
There can be dark times but you can rest assured that when you are too exhausted to talk in the real world, when saying it out loud is too unbearable, when you do say it out loud but nobody understands, someone here will.
Ooh just needed to get that mayhem of lack of clarity off my chest. No answers on a postcard required because there aren't any, are there?
Instinct does not even provide one.
I think that is what I find so hard, now I think of it.
Usually I follow my instinct and that feels strengthening and honest. But my instinct to make a baby has let me down.
God - getting a bit bleak, must go and engage with the two bachelors downstairs with LM, who have moved from football to learning to fly a plane, to reminiscing. I pop in now and again, top up beer, serve food, smile, contribute an inocuous and mostly inaccurate comment about said subject and then escape. Boys nights in -we would not do that in our cottage.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx