support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Oh to be that young and light again. in stones and heart!

Night busierbee. x

I spent the night at a sort of party - a Calpol, ice pop and screaming party, courtesy of DD, held in her bedroom, in honour of impending molars. Does that count?!

Lucky, you are a reflective soul and I identify with that. You do have some time to think - don't decide too fast. I have to say I am finding the sea very helpful. It is so powerful and wild that it takes over your head, and it's very therapeutic. The sandcastle thing is fun too, and pot pies. And jumping the waves as they tinkle onto the beach. And the obligatory ice cream. We did that yesterday and it definitely is a happy time.

GU has been quiet! are you okay GU? and your sons?
Bezzy must be packing! Grr, am envious.

Tree - any luck with christening outfits? did you say when the christening was?

Mishta, hope you've stopped the nasty brown gunk. Last time my brown gunk lasted from weeks 9-10 with red blood at the start, the mmiddle and the end. Eek. I hated both.

Bee, your little ones will be back soon to be mothered - and in need of maternal care I am sure! How is your teenager, is she still with the same boy?

Right, bleary eyed, I am off to set off an agenda of activity for the day. Hi to all.

Hello all

I'm enjoying the luxury of a catch up before the rest of the house wakes up. Late night out with friends last night - DH is snoring beery snores and DD is a sleepy bear after her grandma let her stay up far far too late in our absence. Still, means some precious mumsnetting time for me!

Thank you for all your good wishes etc. Life has settled down a little but in truth, I've just moved on to a whole new set of worries. Feel terrible writing that and hideously ungrateful. I've been thinking that this is yet another reason why pregnancy sits so much better on the shoulders of the young. They are often less wearied by life and experience and perhaps find living in hope comes a little more naturally. An immense generalization, I know.

Enough of the philosophy! Karyakarya, I haven't welcomed you here yet. I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you are coping with the inevitable stress of pregnancy after termination. Have you any thoughts on testing yet? Not that you automatically have to, of course. This is such a supportive thread for those nailbiting moments waiting for a scan, a phone call, a letter. And yes, I'm older than you. Never thought I'd be contemplating a baby in my mid 40's, but that's life for you!

Also to Mishta. Congratulations on your lovely news and I hope that things have now settled down with the annoying discharge. It must have been wonderful to pass the CVS and then see that fantastic heartbeat shortly after. Are you still on bedrest? Calming vibes if you are. Let us know how you go in the next few days.

Luckywinner - sounds as if you are having a lovely time in the country. I so agree with both you and Cantdo's view of making the most of precious times with the little ones. After each loss, I scurried on to 'put things right' and lost view of just how lucky I was to have DD. Time she and I will never get back. But any fun along the way is inevitably bittersweet and those tears will continue to come. I always think back to GO's lovely reference to 'Going on a Bear Hunt' at times like those! I hope that the weather continues to be kind and the smiles start to gradually take over.

Lins - how's the exhaustion? Warm weather doesn't help, I bet. And Bezzy - lovely that you're going on your hols soon. Us too, next Saturday. Hope the total getting away from it all is blissful for you all. And love to Tree, Eulalia, Numpty, BrightonGirl and Growing Out and everyone, everyone else. DD is finally stirring, so I guess I'll have to cut this short. Just as well given the rambling length!

And of course, never forgetting special Bee, who was the catalyst for us all to congregate. Quiet day here, so if you get bored of the tranquility of a quiet house (some chance!), you know where I am.

Looks as if Cooking Mama on the nintendo calls. xxxx

Hello people. I'm out for today, but wanted to sayhi to mi'ladies.

I need to do house work. The bathoom is a bio hazrd.

What a lovely post Cantdo - witty description of your night with DD and kind words for our Lucky - I agree she too is another relective soul. So much to reflect on, of course.
I agree with Shangrila - give youselves over the immersing selves in the world of the little people. They have an astonishing energy and innocence - that is uncontaminated by the troubles of adult life.Helps with perspective and hope and joy.
Am also being a domestic fairy today Tree, sorting, sorting, sorting; boxes, boxes, boxes and avoiding the room formerly known as the kitchen.
hand holding to all
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Evening, just back from picking up dd who had been on a nanna visit. DD1 has opted to stay, she has such fun there.

I think you are all very insightful and honest. Our thread should be on the reading list at med school.

Sorry I've not been about, I've been in an inbetween state, I think. I feel like this whole time was a sad dream now. I was trying to get pregnant for ages and even though I WAS actually pregnant for 15 weeks, after losing Iola I now find it hard to remember what it was like to have her and be pregnant, if that makes sense. I almost wish I still had the raging grief of those weeks where we were struggling to make a decision, because that made it all so real, even if raging grief is not healthy and the keeping of it would be impossible. But after losing Iola, I now feel so... normal? It's like trying to capture a thought, or trying to remember a tune. And that makes me feel bad, that I can't remember this time with her even though it was so recent, only a month/fortnight ago.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I think the main thing I'm struggling with is the envy of other people we know who had babies at the same time we had DS, who have since had more children... but I was struggling with that before, when trying to get pregnant. But on Weds, when a playground mum I know asked me when I was going to have another baby (as she's considering this), I coped well - and felt bad for coping well. Mind you I didn't tell her what had just happened, didn't feel that saying 'well, we just had the funeral on Monday' was quite the response she wanted.

Sorry to blah blah blah about this without picking up on other people's news - I'm really glad it seems to be good news for Shangrila, Mishta and continuing OK for Lins. Hope everyone else is OK... Here ends my numb numpty post for Sunday night.

xx

Oh Numpty - we have all been wondering how you are so very well done for posting at all.
I do know the feeling you are describing so well - I think I may have written about it here a week or so ago when the loss came at me out of what felt like nowhere.
I almost long for, crave those early days of diagnosis and turmoil and agony. It sounds so counter-intuitive and perverse but at least then the care and love for the baby, the wishing to do the right thing, the intensity makes it all so much more real. And after a few weeks or months it all seems so removed. So part of another life and somehow the 'Keep Calm and Carry On' mood seems a little disrespectful or confusing or insane making.
But 'carrying on' is what we must do, especially if you have children and also for your own recovery. Spots of agony and sorrow nand longing and loss re-occur. So many hopes and dreams and projections for the future spoilt, and you had waited long for your Iola so it is even more bitter.
So- well done for coming back to see us and do read, or talk or not as feels fit.
The envy does feel crippling doesn't it? Because no-one knows how difficult a road you have travelled to conceive and then to receive that shocking news? Well, there are no words adequate.
You are back on the surfboard, well done Numpty ( you do not sound like a numpty to me) and your time will come.

Big gentle hugs from me
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oh Numpty. What a heart felt post. You sound sad and confused. And who can blame you.

someone here will have some good words for you on the confusing time you are in. I think when people talk about grief they talk about a panicky feeling when they try remember a smell of someone and can't. Have you anything from the birthing or the funeral that you could hold or take out and have around you, if you want to stimulate some memories? Also read back over the thread. Thats brings back loads of memories for me [though totally different ones for me]

It's ok not to come and post you know. You musn't have any worries about that. Thread is here for support, not something to feel bad or guilty about.
Night night love. I hope you sleep ok.

Hello Numpty

It's so good to hear from you and catch up but please never feel under any pressure to come and post. We're here for support - in whatever form that might take, and whenever you need it.

I recall the numbness only too well. You've moved on from being so actively involved in your pregnancy, totally consumed in the day to day 'what-if's?', the hope, the extreme need to do the right thing. During that phase, very little else seems to count. Then the focus changes. Often suddenly and abruptly. Sometimes we are quite isolated in this, too. By choice, each time this has happened to me, I've limited the number of people who knew. Simply yearned for privacy. But this need in itself cuts off the support systems and potential for people to help us remember and talk. Which is probably why this place comes into its own.

And as for the envy thing, I understand that too. I hate hate hate the questions, well intentioned and innocent though they probably were, that you were confronted with. I believe that after all we've been through, we get a free pass for life to avoid having to deal with such intrusion. You said you coped well. I'm cross for you that you had to. My experience has lead me to learn that you never ask these questions unless you know the person and the background. My husband has a wonderful supply of responses for these situations which I am gradually learning to use.

And now I've gone from trying to support to whipping myself into a rage on your behalf! My apologies.

And back to the memories. I think Tree's idea of re-reading (or even printing off) the thread is spot on. I mull over past threads all the time. It sharply takes me back to where I was and how I felt, when I have a need to escape the 'here and now'.

Hope you managed some sleep. Will check in tonight. xxxx

Hi all, will try make this quick as picking dd up from school shortly.
numpty, although I'm not a grief expert, something I learned way back when I lost my first little girl was to accept all of your feelings as valid and normal. Be they happy, sad, indifferent - whatever. Sometimes I found it helped to submerge myself in the memories and have a good cry to help clear the air. With my first dd this was easy, so many photos, clothes that still had her smell etc. With our little guy from last year, I didn't have so much. I ended up making a short video out of still photos of things such as the pregnancy stick, cards of congratulations, results of NT/blood test, ultrasound, letter confirming diagnosis of t21, name card and finally his little hand and footprints. I put it to music, and I must say it is just beautiful - wish I could upload it to share somehow. Also listening to Celine Dions 'Fly' never fails to bring on the cleansing tears for me.

Was going to post yesterday, but after reading about
Lucky going to the beach, spent the day searching
online for a book I used to read to my girls. Its called
The Big Big Sea and is the most beautiful book ever -
about a mother and daughters nightime escape to the
beach together and how life should be (which is
simple and carefree). Eventually ordered it from
amazon UK, secondhand. Book cost £0.50, postage
£7.00. Dont even know how much that converts to in
Aussie $. But well worth it anyway. Guarenteed to bring a tear to the eye and lump in the throat.

Have finally finished with the brown stuff - felt better
putting the positive spin on it as was suggested -
thanks. Anyway none since yesterday. Have been up
and about yesterday and more so today. Return to
work tomorrow arvo. Will take it easy though. So all
good here (dd has walked home from school -oops - bad mum).
Thanks each and every one of you for your continued
support and well wishes - and Tree, no matter that
we're in different time zones. I just let myself in quietly
to your virtual cottage at night while everyone sleeps,
pop the kettle on and read through the lovely notes left
on the counter while warming myself by the fire that's been left on for me on the cold nights. It's lovely xx

Sweet Mishta
What a generous and poignant sharing of the loss of both your daughter and your wee, tiny son last year. You show wisdom and strength and enormous sensitivity to Numpty's feelings.
I am so pleased that our virtual cottage is a restful place for you and that you gently swoop in at night and read our notes - what a lovely thought. We shall leave you a pot of tea, some of Cantdo's cookies and a candle lit too. And if you are overcome with sadness, well I am pretty sure one of us will wake up, wander into the room in our dressing gown and give you a hug.
I hope work is not too overwhelming - maybe it will distract you.
The book sounds like it should be on our Cottage Reading List - shall look it up.
Sun shining here in London for about the third time this summer; am off to collect daughter from airport.
Take care everyone
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What a calm restful air we have generated yesterday and today. Some saddness but a healing peaceful vibe I think

Hope all ok today.

Big waves.

Speak for yourself Tree! Here, daughter's flight cancelled so 16 year old girl at Florence airport- no money -dad is an hour and half away and WILL NOT COME AND GET HER- flight not til 6 pm. She has negotiated final seat on the flight later by pleading her youth. Am literally shaking with anger and have sent nasty text to his shitty, posh, bitch of a girlfriend who is obstructing his use of car ( which belongs to her posh, loaded and i mean loaded parents).
She is just SIXTEEN.
I hate him

Fuck it I jinxed us.

Arse. She'll be ok. Repeat.

They are all arses, but you knew that.

Oh God - he is such an arse - you cannot imagine. If my arm was hanging off, if I was blind in one eye, I would still drive the two hours to the airport to get her.
I am now texting unpleasantries to his girlfriend which is not like me but all the residual bitterness and anger at her barging into my life and stealing my (albeit useless) husband is surfacing. I KNOW that it is her that is preventing him coming.
I hate her.
I hate him.
Poor daughter is so distraught and can not believe he has not come to rescue her.

Tell dd to make it fun, to look on it as practice for when she goes really travelling and is in deepest darkest south america with a mastercard and a lonely planet This could be a huge adventure in a safe way. Tell her to mooch aroung the shops and try get spotted by a modelling agency. Set the tone on how you wish you were there, with all those duty free shops and all that time. If she has no no no money maybe you could ring the customer services people and arrange a coffee and a sarnie for her [how's you Italian?]

They on the other hand want flogging.
I have issues with absent parents as I never ever ever set eyes on my father. I don't even know his name. Will save that for another time.

He does not deserve her; maybe your dad did not deserve you darling.
I have vented some spleen by sending some truly vitriolic texts to the controlling GF, along the line of 'would you leave any of your children at the airport for the day?' ( I think we know the answer to that one) and that she is a controlling cow who can not bear for him to go running to his daughter because she is so envious.
I want to pay an assassin.
It is not forgiveable.
DD has just texted to say that he has rung her and she cried. Good. He always thinks I exaggerate his neglect of her.
I have managed to get 50 quid to her card after much shenagigans - and have told her to look for handsome boy to buy her a coffee.
Had a little cry in car. Oh Tree. There is no excuse for bad parenting.

No there isn't. You are right.

Well done getting the money to her. You know she will spend it on perfume and not food don't you . Oh can you imagine us 2 with a few hours and £50 in duty free

All you can do is try to help her enjoy some big grown up freedom, and deal with the emotional stuff when you get her home. SHe must be very very hurt, but at least she is in a safe and potentially enjoyable place to pass the time for her. No thanks to that selfish ones. She is seeing them for what they are - it's the loss of youth and innocence we all go through in our teens.

She has warm caring parents in London. That will protect her.

If we were in Duty Free with 50 quid, I would buy;
bottle of Prosecco (cold- sod the glasses, straws will do)
Chanel No 5 - bottle of
One of those enormous toblerones that only people in airports buy

She will be okay - but - boy I am astonished at this new level of neglect. The Posh GF has not replied to my texts which I interpret as guilt.
Good.My nerves are so jangled by this and by the builders.

Alright darling?

Did we cross posts?
I am alright, but angry. God this anger is a new thing for me; attached to the grief and loss and ohhh I feel it so strongly. Are you alright hun?
Where is our GO, do you know?

I like anger. think it gets things done, sets boundaries for those who would take the piss from us, adn generated energy - so long as it's channeled.

I can't spell channeled.

But I can spell Chanel as I am classy. My mum got dd1 Chanel no.5 for Christmas, she is 4, to impress upon her the importance of nice things and aspiration.

I'm really good thank you. I think I have seen GO knocking about, but I haven't 'chatted'

That last post was really badly typed.

Wow! Am impressed - she really has Chanel No 5? What a princess. Love it.