support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Hello slightlyguilty. I'm so sorry to have to welcome you here, better the thread wasn't needed at all. It is needed and I'm glad you have found it and maybe with some wise words and warm hugs and time you might begin to process you life experiences and be able to carry them along a bit easier.

Eualias post is so honest and so true. You are not alone and what you are feeling is not a punishment you alone must bear.

DD1 is doing ok at school thank you Eulalia. We are getting there. I just hate that fact, as getting there seems to involve the squashing of a square peg in a round hole [actually my daughter is a fab 3d diamond shape peg]. You know? I am such an old hippy at heart, the whole conformity thing makes my teeth itch. She's doing ok though. School runs are a mare though!

Just read all the messages and am in tears again...for Bezz, Bee and this entire thread. I really believed this would be fine for you Bezzy and am still numb from the shock that it's turned out this way. I'm so glad that you have the lovely Capt. C and cute mini-Bez to hold onto.

Stillguilty, glad you found us here.

Oh I know what you mean NPD. We try to be as non conformist as possible as soon as the kids are home. My kids all stay up far too late, dd still sometimes plays in the park with no shoes on (she is 7), we have very 'alternative' friends and with them we often have bonfires on the beach where the kids play (in the dark, shock horror but come to no harm). Childhood is so precious. Am I right that some kids can start school at age 4 in England? Here the earliest is 4 1/2 and some defer making them 5 1/2, depends when the birthday is. Having said that depending on the school they can come to really enjoy it. My kids are doing Scottish dancing today at school as part of this Homehoming Scotland Festival.

Getting totally off topic...

Hi Brightongirl.

xxx

Hope you're okay Newspaper, you'll feel much better after a good greet (Scottish for crying). I don't know how everyone manages to stay so strong with all the ups and downs.

Welcome stillguilty, you've found a safe place with some wise old owls - wise beyond their years because they've been through so much.

BK of course thinking about you and hope you're okay x x

Woke up again (bloody cricket) thinking of you Bezz. Though, not with anticipation this time, more with a heavy heart. I feel so insensitive that I mentioned my friends scan result on the morning of your scan Bezzy. It honestly did not cross my mind that this would also be the case with yours - i'm sure it had 'crossed' yours, and it should have mine, as this was how my second mc turned out too. So I'm sorry Bezz, for my insensitivity and your loss. Hugs and love from across the miles.

Stillguilty, it's sad that you still carry around so much guilt after so long, although it's good that you seem to finally be dealing with it. I don't think you should expect it to go altogether though. I feel varying amounts of guilt for each one of my losses, some irrational, some valid. I accept the irrational guilt as a normal part of being a mum, and certainly don't beat myself up for the valid stuff - I did what I thought was best at the time, and I'm sure you did too. Funny how we judge ourselves so much more harshly than anyone else would. If your friend told you this story (your story) for the first time, what would you do? You would probably hug her, and tell her all the things these lovely ladies are telling you here. Treat yourself with the same love and understanding you would give your best friend.

Goodnight all xx

Oh Bezzy i'm sorry - so not fair, not fair at all.
You sound like you are being very, very brave. I hope you are getting lots of love xxx

Hello lovely Bezz

I am so sad that it has turned out this way for you. Unfair just doesn't do it justice.

I always think that a missed miscarriage is a shock in a completely different way. So abrupt. Much feared but without any hints, indications. We build ourselves up, tense ourselves expecting tests, waiting times etc. And then, out of nowhere - the void of not only loss but hope, too. You are strong Bezz but do allow your man and Mini Bezz to help you take the strain.

Sorry to post and run. I'm off to do my bit in real life now but am free all day tomorrow, so will be checking in on you and everyone else then.

Take good care. xxxx

Hi Bezz

hope you're doing okay tonight.

And hi Peanuthead - thanks for checking in. Hope the time away helps a bit.

Too tired to write more - DD being a pest when she is meant to be going to bed, too - but hi to everyone else, thinking of you.

And Newspaperdelivery - I am quite self-regimenting, so it came as a shock to me when I turned out to be a proper hippy mother. Good luck with school - hopefully DD1 will find her place there without being too squashed.

Hugs to everyone specially Bezzy.

Hello all

Thanks again for the lovely messages, it means so much to me.

I'm doing fine. Just waiting. Decided against a D&C, thought I'd give myself some time for my body to do things naturally. Would like to try and avoid having another general if I don't have to. Not so much as a pink smudge as yet though.

Anybody else got experience of this? Am I making a mistake?

Welcome stillguilty

Love

Sad BK x

Finally I can get online and add my words here - I am home with a debilitating chest infection and have been logging on all day and desperately wanting to write but have somehow clumsily managed to lock my keypad on my laptop and can not type there.
Dearest Bezz - you sound calm darling and resigned and quiet. I am here for you if you wish to ask about miscarriage but,as you know, my last one happened two or three days after it was declared there was no heartbeat and so there was not waiting.
What I felt very strongly was that after my two terrible surgical, traumatic terminations I very much did not want more invasion and hospitalisation and ugliness.
I trusted my body to respond as it felt appropriate and it did.
We had decided to wait a week and see if it happened naturally. There was also the most enormous relief that I would not be having a termination - I almost felt........pleased to have been spared it but it also highlighted that the terminations were deeply deeply dreadfully traumatic. So there was relief and also relived horror.
I think, on the other hand, I also had a feeling that I could not carry on being pregnant and not pregnant for very long. But I have of course commitments work-wise that demand I am back in action tout suite.
I think Bezz that you are wise and strong and that you know yourself.
I think you are in a safe, homely spot with The Captain and mini-Bezz and I think time and space are vital, just vital.

I feel I did not have any quiet time after my miscarriage and that I am now suffering the consequences - my body's defences are low,low and have had to put self out there for work and for children all in the midst of a chaotic house full of builders and now my body has put up its' hands and said STOP.

And voila a chest infection and two days spent cruising on mumsnet and emailing and reading and feeling that my interior life can respond to its' own pace and agenda and does not have to be constantly responding to everyone else.
Bezz - am not sure what strange time/space continuum you and I have coincided on darling but it seems that this is not our year for creating new souls. Do not give up hope. Even I have oddly still not done so although am having a coil fitted in few weeks to prevent anymore agonising or fretting. I do not want it in my internal landscape for a term or two.
I am on the sofa - it is faded and velvet and warm and cosy - you are on an armchair by the fire and very quiet and we are fetching you small lovely things and the most expensive wine we can find and watching a cheery film and smiling to ourselves and not feeling pity but pride and love.
Sleep well all of you my lovely friends
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry Mishta, meant to say last night. That no offence was caused. In fact, had to go back and re read your message to see what you were on about!

BK x

what has happened to stillguilty? I see all of her posts have been removed?

BK x

God I hate it when that happens - just wrote you message Bezz and it has disappeared in the ether.
I am still coughing and sleeping and reading. Antibiotics not doing their thing just yet.
I hope Stillguilty was not outed - I know she was worried that people might work out who she was.
I am home invalided out of work again today so will be checking up on the thread every so often - feel very parental towards this thread- feel today could be my turn to be Matron in residence.
Tongues out please ladies.
Doctor will be doing his rounds.
Aprons on please nurses.

Glad you around busy. Capt C gone to work this morning, and I'm feeling quite shaky.

Poor mini bez must know there's something going on, she's really acting up. I'm trying my best to keep things 'normal' but she's really being quite hard. Wailing for the silliest of things.

The sadness is hitting today.

Stillguilty, if you're still reading, please come back.

BK x

Morning Matron and BK I'm also here.

Capt C will be home soon hun, isn't it rubbish when they go back to work and leave us on our own. I have Jeremy Kyle you have mini Bez. Maybe she's picking up there's something wrong with mummy bez, kids very intuitive at times. I wish I knew how to make your sadness go away, wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better. Life is so shite at times.

Bee you need to take it easy, sounds like you're totally rundown there, couple of days rest and Bee time and that's an order!!

Morning Mrs V and Mrs Bezz
Bezzy - is there any chance our mini B could go for a play at another mini's house? Just for an hour or two - may be cathartic for you to have a tiny space alone - to feel the sadness or call me or Cantdo or just be?
It is hard when they go to work - I felt so abandoned by him.
Golly I wish we were all nearer one another - one of us could bake, the other amuse mini B and one of us cry- on a rota.
Bagsy first for playing with mini B
Do you feel like doing anything distracting Bezz - what about a drive to somewhere pretty or watching Mary Poppins?
How are you Mrs V- are you still resting up?
I am pootling around my home and waiting for the builder - nice one this time - he's the sort who listens to Radio 4 whilst humming to self and making cupboards in my youngest one's bedroom.
I am taking to my bed again like the Victorian melodrama Queen that I am.
hugs to you friends
Bee xxxx

Another one in bed here! Snuffles, chesty and generally wanting to hide away from the world and his wife. Pass the lemon and honey!

Such a shame that DH has had to return to work, Bezz. I think at times like this just having them there, even in the next room, just sharing the sadness of the experience, helps tremendously. But he'll be back with you soon and I'm sure he'll be thinking of you all day long. Not the same as having him there though, I know. Poor Mini Bezz too. Despite your brave attempts to keep things normal, she may be getting vibes of the sadness and is aware that something is 'not quite right'. But she will be fine and things will settle down for her. Exhausting for you at the moment, though. In an attempt to keep life normal for DD, we have kept a grand total of 7 lost pregnancies from her. She was probably far too little to be aware of anything for the first two, but I'm sure that we did the right thing for the last five. Goodness, the things we go through.

The choice of how to manage a MMC is a very personal one and I really understand your wish to avoid a GA. My first spontaneous MC involved such heavy and traumatic blood loss that I have subsequently never been offered the option of expectant management (is that the right term?) My best friend opted for this for her first pregnancy and felt very much in control of the whole process. She too was at around the same stage as you and found the whole thing physically manageable, only needing higher strength painkillers at the end. Took about 8 days from diagnosis with bleeding starting at day 5, becoming only really heavy on day 8. But I do know that everyone is different. However it goes, I hope that you aren't left waiting too long. However, you will come through this physically. At the same time, the sadness will ebb and flow but just go with how you feel. Biggest hugs.

Hello also to Bee and MrsV. Such turbulent difficult times for everyone. I'm watching Jeremy Kyle too. I get a strange satisfaction from watching all the goings-on. Makes me realize that my bizarre little life is perhaps more normal than I give it credit for!

Wrap up warm, ladies and let's try to get through the day with endless cups of tea, hot buttered toast and a fair bit of chat.

Love to all xxxx

Golly I feel am missing out on something here but just cannot watch Jeremy Kyle et al. Makes me feel so depressed (said the woman who spent two hours watching America's Next Top Model with daughter).
Being off sick is never utterly relaxing - cannot totally give in to the lurgy as need to put washing on, make a shepherd's pie, do work emails etc. Arggh. Why cannot I just be ill?

Wish I could watch some adult tv. If I dare change the channel, I get met with 'NOOOO MUMMY'

Midwife called earlier to say how sorry she was etc etc. She actually sounded quite genuine. She must be quite fed up of going through tedious booking in appointments with me, that all turn out to be a waste of time.

The idea of off loading mini bez for a couple of hours is quite appealing, however, she's being so clingy, I just don't want her to feel any more unsettled than she already is. She's also refusing to let me put clothes on her today, hence she's still roaming about in pjs. I don't feel like the fight, and it's doing no harm.

I wonder if the little tricks that supposedly bring on labour can also bring on miscarriage? Spicy curry anyone??

Sorry for the me, me, me posts. I do think of you all, but my mind is a little preoccupied at the moment.

Get well soon Bee, hope the antibiotics do their thing really soon.

Lots of love

Ooh so even more sickness, everyone is ill. Maybe we should all go to Bee's house for some shephard's pie - sounds divine. Ah maybe we should make you shephards pie Bee take a bit of pressure off. Laughing at your radio 4 humming builder though.
I'm with Shangrilla on the JK thing, no matter how bad things are here there not as bad as some of the guests. Nothing as queer as folks me thinks.
All is okay here, thankfully i'm healthy maybe bit stir crazy at times. Today I'm trying to study but very easily distracted by JK, washing, weather. The bathrooms can remain filthy though, I care little. Need to think about going back to work soon.
Blimey 1 hour til loose women - loads to do x x

Thanks Justa, will keep a close eye on 'down below' to make sure all is still in order. Funny, I've been dreading the sight of blood for 7 weeks now, and now I'm wishing it would hurry up and come. I've miscarried at home before and it was fine, hopefully it'll be something similar.

Mini bez gone to nap and I finally have some peace, but am bored bored bored.

Just realised that my earlier message about watching adult tv may be misconstrued

I'm thinking some serious retail therapy is in order. Again. I can't afford to lose any more pregnancies, not from a financial perspective anyway.

Going to go and give self a facial. Face resembles minefield of spots.

Bk xx

Hello Bored Bezzy
It's a funny feeling - being pregnant and waiting to not be pregnant. As you say, you spend seven weeks praying for no blood - almost every time you go to the loo- and then in a flash you are told there is no hope and now you must wait for blood.
Boredom is almost the right word for the waiting. Can not go forward, cannot go backwards and cannot stay still.
You get shopping darling.
What shall we get you?
Are you a fan of knitwear- could we pop into some virtual shops and decide what the non pregnant woman about town will be wearing this winter? We shall be slimly guzzling mulled wine and eating runny cheese in very tight-fitted jumpers.
Or some new bedlinen from the White Company?
Could start Christmas shopping early?
I have just had a twenty minute doze and am now preparing for return of the children - big girl gone to get small boy from school.
Carrot, sweet potato, coconut ,spicy soup made. They will all want biscuits.
Later my friend
Oh and hello Justadoodle - I hope you are well my dear.
And am not sure if I said hello to Shangrilala earlier - seven lost pregnancies my love - you very much deserve this good news pregnancy.
beexxxxxx