support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Tears here too Justa.
Why so much disappointment for good,strong women?
There is no sense or justice in any of it.
I too hate the pitying voices and looks. It makes me behave the opposite way sometimes; hard, sceptical, angry, jaded. Then the tears come when am alone sometimes.
Bezz, Bezz, Bezz- my lovely friend.
Bloody hell.
Be small, be quiet, be loud, be angry, be whatever the hell you want to in fact.
Bee xxx
off out but checking in very, very soon and often.

Unfair unfair unfair. I don't know what else to say. It makes me angry and upset. And why can we never ever hope that things just might work out, without that teeny hope being proved wrong and all the cynicism being right?

Bezzy, I wish you didn't have to go through with this. I wish we had that cottage and we could look after you.

I understand that a difficult decision has been taken from you and that makes it less weighty but the pain of loss must be the same.

I would swear along with Justa, but all I can bring myself to say is it isn't fair, in the manner of small child stamping foot, but it's true - it really, really isn't.

Hugs.

PS: I know the silent scan. That and the 'have you had a scan before?' which means 'didnt they notice the problem?' ie 'there is a problem'. Actually whether they are sympathetic or mean, it still hurts. And it still isnt fair.

I am so, so sorry you're having to go through this. I can't believe it really, this is just not right. Crikey I dont know what to say......big hugs to you x

Oh Bezz. . I am so sorry, so so sad for you. Sadder still because there was so much hope here on the thread at that time, must make it harder. I hope the love of Capt C and mini Bez will help to see you through this. xx NM

Oh Bezzy my lovey. What a crap and shit situation for you. Everyone else has already said how mean and unfair this is, and I totally agree.
I felt sick in the pit of my tummy when I heard your news. Mini Lins has just given me the evening from hell, but that's nothing compared to how sad a time it is for you.
I would imagine you are still in shock a bit, no wonder it all seems surreal.
Big hugs to you and Capt C. Hold tight to Mini bezz. Wishing you strength and cuddles.
It is just so not fair. Especially to get to this stage too, when those irritating people who breeze through pregnancy breathe a sigh of contentment after their 12 week scans, and you have such awful news.
Take it easy honey and remember all that advice we give each other about soft blankets, comfort food and gentle surroundings.
XXXXXXXXX

Bezzy, what terrible news. You sound totally shell shocked. You do not deserve this. Huge hugs from me. I wish we could take you in the cottage and wrap you up in a huge warm blanket and help you get through this all together. Much love xxxx

Ladies, I'm completely bowled over by your support. I really could have done with this last time when things didn't turn out well.

I'm doing fine, watching some garbage movie on the tv, eating pizza, guzzling wine, and capt C is dishing up the sticky toffee pudding as we speak.

thanks again, VERY much appreciated

BK xx

PS I like the butterfly image Justa, as well as the swearing in your earlier post

StillGuilty - as Justa said, you are welcome here. Ending a pregnancy for whatever reason is hard, hard, hard. One of my friends confessed to me once that she had an abortion when young, after night of passion with an ex boyfriend - she wasn't ready at that time to have a child; and sadly she hasn't been in the position to have one since either. When she confessed to me, it was because she felt that her having an abortion was linked to her not having a good relationship/children later, so her guilt influenced her later life - and still causes her much pain. It is SO hard: she did what seemed best at the time for her and her baby. I think the trouble is it's so taboo, so you don't get the support or release by talking about it that you might in other situations. I hope by talking about it here, we can give you support and help you think it through. Must go now, but do keep posting, others will be here to offer their support too.

Dearest Bezzy Boodles
Am just popping over to say goodnight.
I wish for one night we could be in a dormitory a la Enid Blyton novel and offer company, freshly laundered beds, wine, comfort and shared experiences.
It is all wholly unfair and crap.
I am glad that our dear Captain is looking after you well - when it comes to it- they invariably do come up with the right thing to do - the men.
goodnight honey - rest and deal with tomorrow, well tomorrow.
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi everyone.

Bezz, am thinking of you so much. You're being so brave! and good on Capt C with the pizza and toffee pudding. Comfort food: you need easy to eat food at this time. And wine.

StillGuilty, hello. I had a late termination because my baby had a fatal condition (20 weeks) and saw the baby. I think in some ways knowing my baby couldnt live made it easier for me, but I really felt that giving birth (it did feel like giving birth, unlike the termination I had at 13 weeks) was traumatic, and that we just don't know how bad it will be till we do it - it is something that will live with us forever. And there ought to be more support for women who terminate for whatever reason; it should be easier to talk about, because it IS quite common.

Sad thread this week. Bezz, let mini Bez be a comfort. And I recommend displacement activity as well as comfort to get you through this.

Peanuthead - just caught your brief post. You sounded quite positive. Good to hear it went well. Talk about it when you return or don't if you don't want to. Have a restful break.

Morning Bezzy, how you feeling today? Guess its sinking in more now.

Hi StillGuilty, you are very welcome here. I will post more later as not got time now.

back soon. xxx

Oh Bezzy.

I can't believe it.

I can't really sto and do what I have this need to do, to pour out my reactions to the things I read here.

You all deserve so much more than I can give at the moment - but you are all never far from my thoughts.

Am such a novice to this school run with an infant lark.

Much love to Peanuthead - that bit is over. YOu have done that bit, it is behing you.

Oh Bezzy. I am very sorry to hear this news.

Am completely flooreed and weeping over dd2. She is looking at me like I am mad.

I think the whole thread just caught up with me. Big fat hot dolloping tears for Bezzy and Bee, all of you of course.

No anger here, just saddness. So far. I'll be back in a raging later.

Stillguilty ? I hope this thread can help you to deal with those past demons. I did so much thinking, worrying and self-berating after my termination but at least I did it early on. It is not good to be carrying your grief for so long. The conception of your baby sounds less than ideal and you have no reason to feel any guilt. Everyone here has a different story. I know what it is like to feel different as unlike anyone here (before you) my baby was not planned. I was careless. The irony of it was I am happily married with children and we?d not planned another baby but not really not planned one either. I thought I was getting pre-menopausal but out of the blue this baby came. I knew it would be a struggle but not for a second though of an abortion (the doctor actually suggested one). Then of course we found out he had T21 and after a heart wrenching weekend decided to terminate. My big problem was we should have been more responsible and really thought about the implications of another child (?warts?, disability and all). I already have one child with a disability (although mild) and I know for some that should make one more receptive and open to the idea of another, but the potential strain to the family was just too much. I am still not at all happy with the decision I made (and it was me as dh left it with me as he is older than me so I would have carried the extra work) but as justa said I made that decision based on the information I had at the time. And wisdom too (fortunately for me I had never experienced any pregnancy problems) and perhaps if I?d been more open to the idea of having a disabled child earlier on, had more time to consider it, plan etc then things may have been different.

But hey ho that?s all in the past. One thing I do think and what you should do too is try to get some kind of positive out of the experience. For example I think I know I?d not be doing this today with my kids if I?d had that baby and there must be countless examples in your own life. You are a different person now and you can?t compare your knowledge and experiences that you have now with that person 10 years ago.

Hope that helps, sorry for the long post!

NPD - still have problems with school? Does your dd like it OK? Do they have an induction period, not sure if its the same as here in Scotland?