Please or to access all these features

Antenatal tests

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

999 replies

Cantdothisagain · 30/07/2009 18:45

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

OP posts:
MRSVICTOR · 16/09/2009 13:20

Oh Katie honey, you've been through such a lot these past few weeks and it's going to take some time. Maybe you're trying to run before you can walk....
Also having trouble taking in what happened to your friend...life is so cruel at times. Rushing out door now but big hugs from me xx

NumptyMum · 16/09/2009 15:14

Katie - this is the place for moaning! You don't have to be positive with us, be as honest/agonised/fed up/sad as you like. It comes in waves, this process of recovering - it takes time.

And I don't think you were moaning anyway. You had two very different but equally difficult pieces of news. I am so, so sorry for your friend who lost their baby. I remember feeling a little like you when I was looking on the SANDS group for support, I did feel it was easier that I had lost Iola earlier in pregnancy - to hear the sadness of others is very hard, especially when you are grieving yourself. And then to find your best friend is expecting, and to think of what could have been, this is equally as hard. So take your time, acknowledge how you feel, it's all valid. Your pain is your pain - you have to grieve for your baby. Grief can be expressed in many ways - I think Lins found that dropping a vase (or plate?) helped!

MrsVictor and NeedCoffee - thinking of you too.

And Lins - let us know how that scan went. I'm rubbish at knitting, I'll just be eating cyber biscuits.

Bye for now, got to do some work while DS sleeps...

newspaperdelivery · 16/09/2009 19:45

On the cyber bench. Given up on the knitting and eating muffins instead. Also hot choc as there is a sharp wind.

Katie - how hard for you. It brings back your own pain and you have insight into their loss and can 'go there' with them. Unbelievably horrible for them, and for all who hear such sad news. You will have been a comfort to them ina way, someone who 'gets it'

And your friend, it highlights your own loss. This is the nature of grief I feel, it comes back. Its always there.

Hope you are ok BB

corblimeymadam · 16/09/2009 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bezzyk · 16/09/2009 20:30

I had a surgical termination, and was astonished by the lack of physical recovery that was needed. Not a single ache or twinge. Which left me feeling even more guilty.

Obviously, there's the emotional healing though. Send your friend here, this thread helped me to recover, and gave me the strength to try again.

BK xx

linspins · 16/09/2009 21:10

Quick update so you're all not sitting on the bench all night!
Scan all fine, everything looking so normal, they reckon they don't need to see me again there, just average check ups locally now.
Have been asked since then 'oh you must be so pleased/relieved/thrilled?' etc but actually no. Just feel flat, disconnected and oddly, resentful. Bet you're all thinking, 'there's no pleasing some people.' And yes, I do feel guilty for this lack of emotion at this pregnancy. Don't know quite where to go with all these feelings, it's not right to come here and moan about having a healthy baby.

Had hectic day, with ten small children rampaging round house for dd birthday playdate and tea. Butterfly cake, decorated late last night, was appreciated though.
Am truly shattered, it's been one of those weeks. just needed to make it through til tonight. Off to bed now I think.

Hope you're all not too full of cyber muffins. I really do appreciate your support and that you are all pleased on my behalf. thanks girls. xxxxxx

NumptyMum · 16/09/2009 21:39

Lins - what should you feel about pregnancy? You only have your own experiences to go by. Previously, with DS, I was relaxed, as I had no problems. If I were to try again, I think it would be easy to feel scared, pessimistic... perhaps a bit cut off? I'm not even able to think about it just yet. So however you feel, it's OK. And if you have these feelings, it is only because of what you have been through previously, so I think it IS right that you talk about them here, there may be others feeling the same who will be relieved to know they aren't alone. Perhaps it is also because what we've been through is SO emotional?

I'm really glad the scan went well, well done for going on your own.

You must be exhausted with having birthday party as well! Hope you have a good sleep. I'm off to bed too, sore throat grrr.

justaboutautumn · 16/09/2009 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

newspaperdelivery · 16/09/2009 22:38

The scan is behind you lins. Another milestone passed. Well done on the party. x

Justa you rock. x

LongtimeinBrussels · 17/09/2009 01:33

Katie, so sorry to hear your news. I found it incredible to read as like you, I also had a friend who lost her baby at 38 weeks around the time I lost my dd. Just devastating. Funnily enough, she was one of the most supportive people out of all my friends. She said we can all find somebody worse off than ourselves but that doesn't mean we aren't entitled to grieve. Also like you, I found out a very close cousin was pregnant just after too. I tried hard to be happy for her but found it difficult. Unfortunately she miscarried at around 9 weeks (then I felt guilty for not having been more supportive though she was brilliant about it). As MrsV says, you've been through a lot. Don't expect too much of yourself.

MrsV, and all of you actually, I think it's amazing that even after such losses you have the words to comfort others. You're all wonderful!

Thinking of you all (hugs).

katiecubs · 17/09/2009 09:23

Thankyou guys i'm so glad you understand - i struggled yesterday feeling a little bitter towards my pregnant friend and explained my feelings to OH who was just like 'thats so not like you' and it's really not. I'm glad its not totally abnormal to be finding it a bit difficult to be really pleased for her. I will get there though!

Longtime/Numpty thanks for your insight - i guess i have found it hard to let myself grieve properly for my loss. I'm constantly giving myself a pep talk when i'm feeling down, comparing my own situation to others in worse positions and not acknowledging my own.

Lins i'm so glad your scan went well, fab news. I expect it's probably quite normal to feel a bit disconnected and flat about the whole thing afetr what you have been through, perhaps it's just a way of coping. Letting yourself get excited would perhaps be too much of an emotional strain.

Belgian bun i hope all goes ok for your friend today. I, just like Bezzy K, found it easy physically which made it in a way more difficult to accept - my symptoms disappeared quickly too and it was just like it never happened.

Love to everyone else.

Katie xxx

Eulalia · 17/09/2009 09:59

Hi folks not caught up properly but see you've had your scan Lins and it all went well I had thought it was at the end of the month. Sorry to hear you don't feel happier but it will grow slowly in the coming months.

Katie - its not fair is it? You've your own sorrow to deal with then other people's emotions too. Its just too much, just take it slowly.

NPD - how did the first day at school go?

A quick wave to everyone else.

This morning I put BBC1 on, not done it in the morning for months and saw the end of the news with Sian Williams. It almost set me off as last time I saw her she had a huge bump and I used to watch the news every day with my own very small bump. I felt connected somehow as we are the same age. Now of course she has a baby and I don't. I wonder how long it will go on, the constant reminders and the sorrow, sometimes I think I am OK and other times it just seems to be there under the surface. I find little projects are helping like our camping trip last weekend really focused my mind but I do just have to get on wtih the mundane day-day stuff.

Anyway being here helps as not sure who/where I could turn to otherwise.

love to all. xxx

newspaperdelivery · 17/09/2009 12:34

Big hugs to you Eulalia.

I think the constant reminders will sadly continue, but your brain will get better at blocking and filtering so you don't have the crushing rememberence every time there is a trigger. Maybe that is where Lins is - in the protective zone.

Thinking about Lins, and the feelings you have. All I can imagine is that had you lost, say, 2 very close family members who were known to others, no one would expect you to have an emotionally easy pregnancy.

I can hardly type it, but say you or any of us lost 2 children. Everyone would expect emotional fall out in pregnancy.

Well, thats your reality isn't it? How harsh to write it down. But it's true isn't it, you felt it and are grieving for 2 babies. Only in a different set of circumstances. In some ways, but the base reactions are the same. It's bound to create all sorts of reactions in you Lins. And in all of us who have these things happen. Go very easy on yourself and don't measure yourself against the fluffy pregnant blooming one, off to yoga and mooching around mothercare. It's a myth, most pregnant people seem to be a broiling mass of stress, pressure, guilt, joy, hormones, happiness, excitement, nervous tension........from what I've seen any how.

Hand holds all round.

Needed here too, this school thing is stressfull!

xx to Bee.

Hopoe BB is ok. And all of course. x

katiecubs · 17/09/2009 13:57

Thankyou Eulalia i will try and take it slow. And you are right it's not fair - not fair on any of us.

I'm sorry you had a rather sad morning, damn that sian williams! I think you are right though it's the odd little things that set you off.

I have a hard time walking past mama's and papa's on the way to/from work every day - not because of all the pregnant ladies and lovely baby things i can spy through the windon but because as soon as i got the all clear from my scan i was going to go in a buy a baby names book. i was so looking forward to that :-(

Eulalia · 17/09/2009 14:08

Thanks NPD and you too katiecubs, aww I wish I could be there with you walking to work. And hold hands with NPD too....

Sigh.

Actually am OK, I don't get bad days or mornings, just moments really, am lucky but they are heavy moments. Today I shook myself off and went for a lovely walk on my own down to a secluded beach just 2 miles from here. Felt so much better to be out and the exercise too helps.

Hugs to all, talk later, x

justaboutautumn · 17/09/2009 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Eulalia · 17/09/2009 18:13

Sorry to hear about your stresses justabout. Pregnancy is such a long time, it is hard to feel excited anyway. I did have one pregancy though that was really good, not a moments worry from conception to birth - that was dd. However she's more than making up for it now!

Gosh here I am posting three times in one day! Where's everyone else, enjoying the good weather?

Cantdothisagain · 17/09/2009 19:01

Hi everyone

The sight of Sian Williams did it to me too Eulalia! Funny. Twill be Kate Garraway next...

I am tired, and not in the right place to write all the needed comforting things to everyone. I just wanted to concur with what others have said, Lins. And Katie. And Justa, hope you're okay with everything happening around you.

Big hugs from me, and hopefully I will write more soon! xxx

OP posts:
newspaperdelivery · 17/09/2009 19:09

Hope you are ok Cant.

Soothing foot rub for Justa.

justaboutautumn · 17/09/2009 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

katiecubs · 18/09/2009 09:21

Morning girls,

Just wanted to say have a good weekend one and all!

I?m off to Bournemouth for a university reunion and really looking forward to it ? going to get right royally drunk because I can! :-)

Can?tdo I hope you are ok? You have been and are, a huge support to me and I?m sure everyone else. Mrs V. I hope you are ok too and coping with things as best you can.

Lots of love,

Katie xx

MRSVICTOR · 18/09/2009 09:24

It's like the emotional rollercoaster we're on is hanging upside down bit longer than usual. Hope everyone is feeling bit brighter today, maybe its because the sunshine is fading (well in the north west anyway)and the dark nights are coming in (crikey i'm a ray of sunshine today).
Lins glad the scan went well, don't feel guilty hun, your hormones are all over the shop. Sorry you ladies with bumps are going through such a hard time, I dont have any advice because of where I am but what the others have said makes perfect sense.
Had a bit of a meltdown at the docs yesterday, crying in public is sooooooo not good. Anyway did manage to have a chat about future pregnancies and trying again, he did give me some hope which was nice. For me its a balancing act between having time to grieve and the body clock ticking furiously away in the background.

MRSVICTOR · 18/09/2009 09:28

Morning Katie - didn't see you there as it takes me so long to write anything in between hanging up washing blah blah blah.

Oh Bournemouth sounds like fan - tonight I'm also going to have wine - hoorah - although I haven't had a hangover for months so not starting all that again.

Have a good weeekend all

Jackie x

Chica31 · 18/09/2009 09:50

Hi, just stumbled on this thread on a very down day.
18 months ago I had a termination at 23 weeks as our DD had trisomy 9. A work colleague has just I given birth to her twin girls at 24 weeks, they are very ill at the moment, but it looks like they are going to pull through. Obviously I am very happy for her, but it has made the hole and heaviness in my heart just a little bit bigger at the moment.
I just keep playing and kissing my DD who is 17 weeks today!!!1

Chica31 · 18/09/2009 09:53

I have just read some other threads. I know how hard it is being pregnant, I had several meltdowns in the doctors, especially when they lost my test results!!! I would give birth again in a flash, but being pregnant was horrid. Sorry no advice, but only support and understanding