support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Oh Mrs V
Love, you have given birth and you have had a wee girl for a short precious time. You sound full of love and bravery and sadness and oddly also much, much strength.
I am so glad that the words from Cantdo and Lins helped you have the experience you did. Am moved by your account of Sophie- what a soft, pretty name.
We are here.
I needed mumsnet so very much in the first few weeks - you may need to read or talk or not. I had three or four weeks off with my two surgical terminations. I needed it. I needed time and tears and self indulgence and time to adjust to such an enormous trauma. You do what feels right love. Say what needs saying. Hold back what needs holding back.
Your Lovely Man sounds lovely.
Welcome home my dear.
Hugs to you
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Bee.

Mrs V - just wanted to say i hope you are doing ok. Sophie is a lovely name, it sounds like you were able to spend some special time with her saying goodbye. Take care lovely.
Katie x

All is well lovely ladies. Have managed to get through today (okay I confess I did the Jeremy Kyle thing again) in one piece, lovely hubbie has been signed off for 2 wks and I see docs on Thursday.
I went back to hospital today, felt I wanted to see her again whilst not totally spaced out on drugs and we both felt it was worthwhile. The funeral will be next week probably, we'd decided on having PM (but cant think about that too much) which will delay things. We keep changing our mind on the PM but I think longer term its the right thing to do for us. Many a tear cried today but calm again. Lins you said that your girls would be there waiting to welcome her and that gives me comfort.
My belly is starting to wobble badly so I have a new focus in life. I hate my gym so I'm going to look at some tomorrow and start some off with some gentle stuff. I've got really unfit these past few months (you should hear me going upstairs) so need to get back in shape.
Thanks for letting me hijack this thread for this past week, you've all been really wonderful and kind. So many wise words, I dont think i've pieced together all your sad stories yet but it will come. This thread makes me cry and laugh so I shall be hanging around for a while, learning to be wise....

I hope everyone is well, lots of love Jackie x

Oh Belgianbun, life is too cruel, and that story of your friend has to be one of the worst.
If she hasn't heard of ARC yet, they are there for her, and have a parents phone line and internet support forum. It may help her feel less alone, which can be very isolating. There is also a thread here that might help/support her.
All you can do really in these shittest of situations is listen, be there, help her to be kind and gentle to herself, make sure she has soft food and warm blankets to ease the trauma of life.
She may need to talk and talk about it all, or not too much so you will need to gauge how she is feeling (or ask!) The worst things people can do is say stuff like "it wasn't meant to be" "you'll have another" - but I'm sure you wouldn't! Acknowledge her baby and talk about it (him/her) like the real person that they are.
Big hugs to her and good luck to you - she'll need her best friend. xxxxxx

Bugger - just wrote you a long post Belgian Bun and then deleted it.
Mostly was saying that you are a supportive and insightful friend; that a daily text can help if she can not talk. That I hope she has a supportive other half. That life can be so shitty.
That ARC can be fabulous; that there are so many souls here to share it with.
She may or may not find your bump hard; how much worse can she feel?
Sometimes can be comforting to feel that one is not a pariah; it is okay to talk about babies and pregnancy maybe.
I hope she is treated well; I hope she has the strength to keep trying.
Wishing her and you well
Bee xxxxxxxxxxxx

Also for Mrs V
You have in no way hijacked our thread - it is for you too. Very much so. I for one could not bear to think of women going into this journey with no support. It is a stormy time - we need all the help we can get.
So glad you went back to see Sophie and so sorry she can not stay with you longer.
Take all the time you and your OH need - it is precious and painful and will be got through.
hugs to you
Bee xx

Mrs V

I am so relieved that you are finding this place useful and that it is, in some way helping you through the dark, almost unreal days you are facing. Don't ever hesitate to post - this is precisely what it is here for.

I read and was tremendously moved by your account of last weekend and am so pleased that you found some peaceful time with your Sophie. Echoing others here but such a pretty name. Love and strength to you and your man for the week to come and beyond.

Hello Belgianbun - I have been in your friend's shoes many, many times and appreciate only too well just how important it is to have to have support from loved ones.

As to her dealing with your bump, I think it's probably a very individual thing. Here's how it was for me during my last termination.

My best friend was pregnant and quite honestly, I hated it. But I hated even more the idea that she might become awkward around me and even talk to others about things that she might hide from me. To me, that would only compound the sadness of my awful situation even further, become yet another way to set me apart from the world.

So I struggled on with her pregnancy, encouraged her to talk and smile, knowing that she too was listening and taking on board what I was saying. Yes, I found it hard, but life was incredibly hard anyway at that time.

I always think now that women who have experienced the toughest pregnancy situations get a 'free pass' to engage/disengage with baby related matters exactly as they wish. Don't want to attend a christening? Fine. Fancy avoiding an event with a pregnant friend because they're just not up to it that day? OK too. The best thing a friend can do is ask how the other person wants to play it. It might be an initially awkward question, but asked in the right way, it can be such a relief to hear.

It sounds like she is going through the most horrid of times. Also sounds as if she is really lucky to have a friend like you. And congratulations to you too. Wishing you both the very best in the coming months.

Hi everyone,

Mrs V, well done for tackling the jelly belly - I'm living with mine for now (my less healthy response was to bake endless rounds of brownies and muffins...). And you take as much time off as you want/need/feel would help. You probably need to take it a bit easy anyway at the mo. Let me know if you want to talk about the funeral. I also had a postmortem for one of my babies - it took quite a while, so be warned, although my baby was younger when she died, so maybe that takes longer.

Hi Belgianbun, I am so sorry for your friend. Please tell her she is more than welcome to join us. As you are too! I think what hurt me in people's reactions has been two things: one 'it's just one of those things that happen' (yes, but its not like getting caught in the rain, or something) and two 'I would DIE if that happened to me, I could never have made that decision', which actually people do say, and they make you feel heartless for terminating and carrying on, even though both my babies, like your friend's, had a condition incompatible with life. I think Shangrila is right - take your cue from her. I found novels and magazines helped - could you buy her a few magazines (innocuous ones like Red, or gossipy ones, obv not baby focused ones) - and hot baths with nice bath stuff. OK so nothing takes it away but things can help.

Life can be so unfair.

Lins, good luck on Wednesday, am sure it will be fine! will you find out the sex, or not?

Hi Bee, how are you?

Hi Katie, how are you doing?

All fine here, though it is cold cold cold suddenly and feels autumnal. I have still got a lingering cold too.

Thinking of you all.

Hi Belgian Bun so sorry you're friend is going through such a bad time, life is so shite at times. Just to reiterate what the others have said you need to just be there for her.
I've just lost my little girl and my best friend is heavily pregnant, also a little girl due any day now. She's so there for me just now,and when I dont want to talk she texts me and makes sure i'm okay. It will be more important to her you're there...I know when her baby arrives i'll shed a few tears for what might've been. But for me now I need her support and the pregnancy doesn't really come into it. Big hugs to you and your friend.

Morning all, feel like a right lonely Joe on the net whilst all others are working or looking after little ones.

Lins all the best for the scan tomorrow, laughing at newspaper on the cyberbench smiling and eating a muffin - yes you must be mad I think but laughing at my mental image.

Cantdothisagain - haven't worked out that CAT thing you mentioned....will try and do some research this morning. Haven't thought much about funeral, I'm not mentally prepared yet, maybe start thinking about that tomorrow. Have estate agent coming round to take pics so must get off lardy bum and tidy bedrooms. Crikey and JK on shortly...

Off I pop to clean house x

Hello all.

I can't give you people the concentration today - my dd has her first day at school today. My dd. It's the most incredible feeling of love, anxiety, excitement, restlessness, and feeling like you do when you have forgotten your handbag.

Will be back soon.

All thoughts to you all however, and the friend of BelgianBun. I know you feel yor bump might make it worse for her - but I dunno, to feel alone is truly awful. She needs love, so maybe call and see if she would like a visit? I think honesty is valuable. you can ask her if she would rather see you later, or if she would rather see you now, with a slab of chocolate and promises of chats and hand holding. Or maybe you could drop of a nice homemade pasta dish or something. To extend the healing vibes.

Maybe she would like to join us here?

Yo are a lovely friend.

Strong love to all. To my Bee, who is here for so many through her own dark days. You are one in a million. But you knew that hey? Fecking statistics.
Love to MrsV and Katie [hello! Still haven't introduced myself] and Cant and Lins and all and all and all. I have to go H is awake. x

Lovely NewsPD (is that the best abbreviation? Doesn't have quite the same ring to it as your former name!)

Such a bittersweet thing, to see our small DDs going off to school. I get quite stupid with tears but DH is quite the reverse, taking great pride at the grown up steps his big girl is taking into the wide world. Perhaps it that old male/female divide thing going on again.

I hope she has a brilliant day and comes home with lots of reassuring tales of how fab it all is. (Unlike my DD, who just gives us a blanket 'It was fine' if we're exceptionally lucky.) Hope you're managing to spend the day tolerably too.

Big hugs to Lins for tomorrow and continuing good vides to BezzyK. Cantdo - if you're suffering with inclement weather, come down to join us in Wales. It's been gorgeous now for days on end and may well stick until the weekend. Costa Del Cardiff! Well, it is for now. Next week I'll be digging out my winter coat and shivering along with everyone else.

xxxx

Hi all

Am still here, lurking - so many things happening for so many people, but mostly what I would have said has already been said far more eloquently by others on this thread.

NPD - re first day at school - I remember a friend of mine saying how she suddenly felt very sad, missed that little hand clutching hers... I hope the first day has gone well for you all.

Belgianbun - I also had friends who were due shortly after I was going to end my pregnancy; if your friend has been brave enough to tell you about her situation (I kept it from my friends until I felt strong enough) then I would ask her whether she'd want you to visit or just keep in touch by text/email/phone. I still felt happy for my friends, their pregnancy was not my pregnancy. I think it would have been harder if we shared the same due date/month.

Lins - hope your scan is nice and reassuring tomorrow.

Sorry if i've missed anyone else, just feeling a bit at a loss for contributing just now. And DS wants me to go play with trains...

Thanks girls for all your well wishes for tomorrow. This is the first scan I have been to alone for a very long time - but will be imagining you all sitting just outside waiting to hear all is well!
Although I have no reason to imagine anything will be wrong, I am still nervous. Guess I always will be.
Bloody exhausted too.
Night night all. xxxx

Good luck. Will be on the cyber bench with my cyber knitting.

Morning Girls,

Lins good luck today at your scan - not that you will need it! look forwards to hearing about it when you get back :-)

I have had a hard couple of days to be honest. I was feeling more positive and getting back to normal life but i have had a couple of pieces of news which has absolutely knocked me for six.

Firstly i go an email from one of my friends to let me know that him and his wife lost their baby at 38 weeks - they gave birth to her 2 days later. It cut right to the core, i feel sick and am devastated for them. What i have had to deal with is just a fraction of their pain - so much so that i can't even get my head around it. It just sucks.

Secondly last night i got a call from one of my best friends who i have known since i was five. She is 9 weeks pregnant - i had not told her about my situation (i have not told hardly anyone)but ended up spilling the beans, i had to as it choked me up. Of course i am happy for her but it just brought a fresh wave of pain back and reminded me of what i had lost. It's just so sad to think we would have had babies so close together and they would have been in the same school year.

I feel like in many ways i have come back to square one - i couldn't sleep at all last night, too many things whirling round in my head. Today is a new day though!

Belgian Bun - how very terrible for your friend. I have not been through anything like she has (concieving happened easily for me) but i'm sure that letting her know you are there for her if and when she needs you will be enough. By posting on here it's obvious you are a very caring and sensitive friend - she is lucky to have you.

Hope everyone else is doing ok (sorry for the moaning!)

Katie xxxx

Just logged on after a little time away. France was amazing but the internet was intermittent, so I could never load the chat pages properly....and since I've been back, I've not really been myself. I'll write more later to explain...and I haven't caught up with everyone's news yet. There seem to be many new faces so glad you found this place.

Linspins, just read that your scan is today. Am thinking of you and will be outside in spirit with Newspaper and the others. Take care.

Best of luck Linspins. I really hope you get good news and leave the hospital grinning at a scan photo.