support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Sorry - you too, NeedCoffee. Stay strong. x

Mrs V and Need Coffee - simply to say i'm thinking of you both today xx

Dearest Mrs V
All love and thoughts with you today, your OH and your little one.
I hope the journey is gentle.
Bee xx

Just wanted to say, MrsV and NeedCoffee that I'm thinking of you both today tooxxx

I don't know if this is an appropriate day to post this or not but I would like you all to know something. Actually I feel a bit of a fraud being on this thread as I came looking for katiecubs to find out how she was. Like katie, I was pregnant with a dd who had Turners but she had already died by my 12 week scan so didn't have to make that agonising decision to terminate. I was though really taken by surprise at the extent of my grief both after the scan and again after the medical procedure, and also the time it took for that grief to subside. What I wanted to say, ladies, is that you're doing a wonderful job on this thread. I wish I'd had something like this at that time. I know people thought I was making a big deal out of it (after all, (quote) I already had two DSs and it was early on in the pregnancy after all )and the thing I've noticed on this thread is everyone is supportive of everyone regardless of circumstances. I have now read the whole thread and (after some tears I have to admit) even after all these years (it's now 11½ ago) I have found comfort in your words. I now realise that I had every right to feel the amount of grief I was feeling and that I shouldn't have let myself be upset by other people's comments and judgments on my feelings.

So (sorry, long post), thank you very much!

Hello, I just wanted to send hugs to those who are going through such sad times at the moment.

My due date came and went with a little sadness but not too much pain. Just went to the cinema with my OH to see Broken Embraces which was an amazing film. I really recommend it. There is a moment at the beginning of the film where the protagonist who is a film scriptwriter proposes an intention to write a film about Daniel Miller (Arthur Miller's son who was institutionalized as a baby and not spoken about because he had Down's Syndrome) to which I thought "Oh no, this is not the best time to see this film is it?" but it didn't end up being part of the story at all so don't let that put you off.

As was mentioned by Bee in an email to me and by others - the build up to the significant day felt quite emotional but now it is behind me I feel more 'at peace' and back to how I was feeling earlier in the summer. Sure, I still look at ladies with their, what I call, 'freshly hatched' babies and think "gosh, that could've been me" but I'm now on a new journey - filled with obvious trepidation - to start trying again for a baby.

Thank you for all your kind words and support this week. It was really good to 'speak' to people who understand.

Thinking of NeedCoffee and MrsVictor today in particular, I hope the hospital staff are being supportive and kind.

And Katie - hope you are OK, and able to get hugs from someone close to you. I also found it good to get back to work, with the proviso that no-one spoke to me about what had happened initially, as it set me off crying. Now I'm able to talk to them about it calmly and peacefully, although still with sadness obviously.

I'm off from this afternoon, working over the whole weekend til Sunday evening, so will pop back then.

Hope everyone else is OK.

Katie, hope you're feeling a bit better today (hug).

MrsV, I am thinking very much of you and remembering what I went through at the same time. I really hope things are progressing fast and you get some special time with your baby. And I wish you strength.

Katie, I hope you are feeling a bit better still today. I hope work helped!

Longtime in Brussels, sorry to hear your story and thank you for your comments on this thread. Please feel free to keep returning and talking - no time-limit on grief and we can all help each other, specially those who have been through it some time ago.
Having Kittens, glad you feel more at peace. I really hope your TTC attempts work quickly and you will soon have a healthy baby. The film sounds interesting. I have noticed recently how many famous people abandoned babies with DS at birth - presumably this is common across all people. It must mean that antenatal testing is saving children from being born and abandoned, which has to be positive whatever one's views on termination are.

Hope the procedure was quick, NeedCoffee.

Hi to everyone else. This feels like MrsV's day, although she won't read us till tomorrow. It doesn't feel like the time to say it is a lovely sunny day, and we have been outside all afternoon, and I realized I couldnt have done all the things I did with DD if I either had a 4 month old baby (which I should have had) or was 8 months pregnant (which I also should have been). I am so grateful for my beautiful DD.

Thankyou lovlies.
I am feeling good, of course i have my low moments but i am coping much better than i though i would so i am proud of myself for that.
I am off now for the weekend to the seaside - looking forward to getting out of the london smog and breathing some fresh sea air! and of course to get lots of hugs from my family just like i need Numpty!
I hope you have good weekends everybody and for those that need it i hope you have peace and love all around you at this very difficult time.
Long time in brussels thankyou for your special mentions, very sweet. I could not have put your comments any better myself - we are all very lucky to have such a thoughful, supportive thread as this. Thankyou ladies you are fab :-)
Katie xx

Thank you for all your kind words, it was quite difficult and was there longer than anticipated due to the first set of tablets not working but am finally home.

MrsV-am thinking of you and hoping you're as well as can be.

Mrs V
I hope you are resting and that today went gently and softly and that you had a peaceful moment - have been thinking of you today.
Welcome home.
Sending you hugs and warmth
Bee xxx

Thinking of you mrsvictor, hope you're able to start the recovery process today.

And you too Bee. Always thinking of you.

BK xx

A day for Mrs Victor.
And also much love for Katiecubs - it comes in waves the pain and sorrow. Allow it in; it does pass and you will feel the sun again.

Hello my Bezzy to you too.
And to Cantdo-xxxxxxx.
kisses all round
Bee xxxx

Am back form my holiday and eager to catch up, and introduce myself to the names who don't know me. There have obviously been some hard times in the past week.

And Bee - have thought of you many times.

Waves to all who know me. I don't know how 'things' are Justa - will look about mn but hope you are ok.

Hi everyone

For the newbies, Newspaperdelivery is our resident healer; she looks after us all. How was your holiday Newspaper? did you return all tanned and gorgeous?

MrsV, thinking of you still, and hope it went as okay as can be expected.

Katie, hope being away helped.

NeedCoffee, are you feeling better now?

Bee - I am still thinking of you.

Hugs to all, finally its over, well the physical part at least. It was an exceptionally long journey including 5 midwife changes, some swear words, lots of tears, special baby time (thank you ladies for that), a slightly tipsy priest and lots of lots of love.
I found myself quoting MN lots 'well the girls said this' or 'the girls said that' - and you weren't far wrong.
I got the first pessaries at 11:30 by midwife no 1. She was v young, too young I thought at first, but when hubbie walked down to the car she came over and gave me a big hug and we had a good chat about things. She was great, they all were infact. Our room was obviously the 'special room' you know with sofas, fridge, kettle etc couldn't complain (think new Premier Lodge)I did feel everyone looking like 'ah that's the couple' when we walked in, sorry I digress.
Yes so first pessary at 11:30 and Sophie was born at 6:15 am the next day, crikey eyes filled with tears when I wrote that. I keep thinking that we've left her at the hospital and she should be with us at home. I'd initially thought I wouldn't want to see the baby, wouldn't name her etc but after reading others experiences I had a change of heart. I wont go into the birth detail (slightly traumatic, I turned into she devil and had a bit of a flap because the midwife was running around looking for a light when she should've been at my feet delivering the baby) so it all happened very quickly in the end. I didn't want to see her immediately, so midwife took her into the little room. We were then left alone in our room and could see Sophie when we wanted. We walked through to the little room and she looked so lovely and precious. I was strangely calm, no tears but was also concious that I was totally out of it with the diamorphine and gas and air so was very spaced. Hubbie got more out of that time I think which was lovely. I had some special time later in the day, hubbie went home to get changed and left me alone. I had a shower to try and de-drug myself (didn't really work) and went in to see her.
She was so tiny, I was too scared to hold her (weird) so I held her in a little basket on my lap. I could cry now just me and her. As she'd died on Wednesday the midwife said something about extra fluid/bruising so when I rocked her a tiny little trickle of fluid came out her little nostral and it looked like a tear. We had a little chat me and Sophie and I was finally able to get some sleep, or as much as you can in a hospital with a constant stream of people coming in. Hubbie came back and we both said our goodbyes to her together.
I've already said to hubbie I want to go back and see her, maybe sooner she has funeral the better. We've decided to get post mortum, emotionally I can't think about it but logically as her condition is so rare I know its for the best. There's so little written about penta x its difficult for future parents to know what to do, I've had all my bloods done to see if I'm the cause.
So we're home now, last night we had takeaway watched the x factor (with hubbie moaning about the new format and how contrived it is) then bed. Slept well which is what we both needed, no idea what the week will bring. They've given us little hand and foot prints, some piccies, a memory box which i'll go through today. Not sure what the week will bring, someone said take it one minute at at time, and I did at the hospital. Perhaps now take 1 day at a time...not thinking about work yet but I'm sure others said that helps. I just can't believe how much I miss this little person I didn't know.....

I've not taken in what's been going on these past few days so I'll get myself a new cuppa and sit and have a catch up. Hope everyone is well J x

Well done for writing so soon MrsV. Glad you got to spend some special time with Sophie, and what a beautiful name. Have always been keen on it myself.

Not really much I can add, other than be kind on yourself.

Love to everyone

BK xx

MRSV - well. Wow. What a diary of that journey. What an experience for you and your dh. How dignified you are. I can really hear your aching bones, you sound very sad - but so very dignified in your pain. I'm so sorry that Sophie wasn't meant for a longer time with you. I'm glad you had these precious times with her in her little basket, and that she is a real baby who has existed for you. It will help for sure, in the times to come.

Am interested in the tipsy priest but wont lower the tone.......

I know what you mean about the 'special room'. We always say at work that if anyone brings us a cup of tea in a proper mug, or shows into a room with cushions and a table lamp - expect something major. You have experienced the extra furnishings. They do help a bit I think - even if they are crap. It is a sign that the magnitude of this occurance is not lost, it is noted, even by those who have seen it before.

Sometimes young staff can be brilliant - I was a young one, started training at 18, I qualified at 21. It meant I was an empty vessel, I had no idea about 'life' really. So if you told me it hurt, I believed you. If you said 'I feel sad' I accepted it. I had no realy life experiences of my own to compare to, so I got into the habit of accepting and believing. And having birthed, I really value that. Staff who are nice, smile, acccept what we say and believe us. Totally rambling now so will bug off.

x

Hi MrsV

Thank you so much for posting; your story is sad but so uplifting, because you handled it all with grace.

(I had to smile at your reference to losing it - I lost it too, screaming 'I want to die' at DH, at the point when I was in agony and refusing drugs. After the drugs, I went to sleep - bet he was relieved).

Sophie is a beautiful name. It is actually the name I intended for Stella, but I didnt want to give her that name when I knew she wasnt going to live - it felt wrong, as though I had to change my relationship to the baby somehow. I hated leaving her too. It felt utterly, utterly wrong.

Let me know if you have any questions about the funeral. DH did a reading, a really lovely one - I could email it to you if you CATed me.

Well done for getting through it, I am so glad you spent time with Sophie, and I am here if you need anyone to talk to (CAT me).

PS - I just wanted to say how brave you are being. You are managing not to sound self-pitying, which is very difficult. Take care.

Mrs V, you wrote your 'story' so beautifully, it made me cry remembering how tiny and fragile they are. Really glad you saw her and held her basket on your lap. I hope everything you did at the hospital was was because you felt it was the right thing for you, and not because us girls said! I always urge mummies to see their babies and hold them, because I think it really helps to make them real and 'yours', and because I didn't do this enough with Amy and regretted it. But I know everyone has to deal with it their own way and I worry sometimes that I might sound 'this is the way to do things'...very glad you got to say goodbye to your little Sophie.
Leaving the hospital is such a hard part, the bit that made me feel the most empty and bereft. It's good that you got some sleep last night.
You write about taking things day by day now - well don't worry if it needs to be hour by hour. There will be ups and downs, not least because there are all sorts of hormones running round your body. Also don't feel guilty if you feel happy/laugh...normality will come and go!
I don't know whether the hosp mentioned about your milk coming in - it seems to happen to some women and not others. I got it first time round, but not really with Daisy.
Going back to work is a very personal thing too - others here have said how much it helped to have something to take your mind off it all, but I found I needed that time to let all my thoughts flow and work through feelings. (And to write on Mumsnet and talk to ARC!!) So do what is best for you, but don't hurry back if you need time. Losing your baby at this later stage can take a bit more bouncing back from, especially as it was your first labour and quite a shock for your body.

I am imagining Sophie up there now being welcomed by Amy (a 'big girl' now at 5 yrs,) and Daisy, who will be laughing and smiling at her. And all our precious angels that we miss so much.

Do let us know if you want to talk about funerals. Get a big box of tissues and check out the song "Baby Mine" (from the Dumbo film) by Alison Krauss. I watched it on youtube and cried so much, but very cathartic at the time. We played it for Daisy's funeral.

Much love to you and your husband. xxxxx

Hi all, gosh what a long day. Dd third birthday tomorrow, when she is at Nursery all day and me at work, so today was her official birthday. All very exciting but wearing. Had family and friends over for birthday tea and now just baking more fairy for her to take tomorrow.

Got 20 week scan on wed. Will have to go on own cos childcare has all got wrong, so Dh looking after Dd. No point taking her, as it takes so long to drive to London, etc.
I had a bad dream last night about midwife phoning up saying "oh, we've actually found something wrong with the left ventricle, it's not looking good". Didn't think I was nervous but maybe I am.

I want to say big hugs for all those of you whose real lives are very tricky at the moment. I think there is lots going on, and wanted to send best wishes to anyone having hard times with all sorts of things.

Better go ice cakes.
Lins xxx

I thought your scan was up and coming Lins. Will be on the cyber bench outside the doors - kintting and eating a muffin, waving and smiling support.

For new people I am a raving loony, but in my defence a while ago we all wished we could be there for these big events, and imagined ourselves outside just shadows in the background, offering strength.

This is a massive time for many of you. There are many ripples and waves at the moment, and frankly some bloody terrible storms.Hang on tight, calmer waters on the horizon. Surely.

Happy Birthday dd.