support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Bee - I think having the house in the midst of building turmoil would exhaust anyway wouldn't it? I found it a nightmare and often wished we hadn't started. I hope you get more rest tonight and can stop the spiraling brain thoughts thing. You are so tired my love. Bring on a season of peaceful long evenings in a comfortable home with no where to go and time and space to heal. I think you should hibernate. Then move into an actice phase with the lengthening days.

Such lovely kind words from everyone.

Hi all.
Bee, thinking about you lots. It's a shame for you that you have so much to cope with house-wise, when you could really do with hibernating in peace. Glad you and LM can see positive things coming up in the future, although it must feel a little like clutching at straws at the moment. Hugs honey.

Sorry to all that I haven't been around much to hold hands, wipe brows and commiserate or celebrate life. I am still feeling tired and like I don't have much to give.
I'm feeling mostly better physically now. Sickness subsided. mentally it is a different story. I didn't really feel what I wanted/thought I would feel on Daisy's due date. I found my brain wouldn't accept grieving for one baby when another was kicking around inside. The two things don't sit comfortably side by side.
And now I have got a mental block on going to the midwife. I haven't been since my booking in...and I need to force myself to go really. Despite (huge, I think) bump, I don't accept I am pregnant. Scans I can do, because appointments get sent...but with the midwife you just choose when to go. Someone give my butt a kick!

Another weird thing - a colleague at work has just announced she's pregnant, only 8 days behind me in dates. I'm thrilled for her, but also dismayed..? It wasn't planned and she didn't take folic acid and she's very laid back about it all. Tiny barely-there bump (first pregnancy, versus my 4th) and hasn't felt sick. I almost feel a fraud with my sickness and 'attention seeking' (my words) scans, and she makes me feel huge and old! I'm just a bit put out by her news but I don't really know why. Phew.

On a more cheery note, my Dd starts 'proper' nursery on Friday, complete with dinky little uniform. VERY cute, and I and she are excited.
We've been growing caterpillars into butterflies and 4 out of 5 have made it to butterflies too. Will have to set them free tomorrow.

Luckywinner, could you send a bit of comfort soup?
And hello To JJF. Do keep us posted with how you are.

Lins xxx

Oh Lins. Its just a mental head trip isn't it? My dd2 pregnancy was filled with conflicting feelings, and I have had nothing happen to me at all really. So I think you must be subject to some incredible confusing feelings.

Talk talk talk, to us or Lm or whoever is right for you. Let the feelings flow and give them credance. Even the crap ones that feel 'wrong'. Blimey, when I was pregnant with dd2 I felt I couldn't imagine breast feeding. I felt I didn't have it in me to do that to another child.
I went to a baby show at 28ish weeks, to try muster enthusiasm and engage. It did help actually. I also fell in love with washable nappies and that gave me a project and an interest.

Amazing to thin of releasing your butterflies, as your little one embarks on formal schooling. Am an emotional heap tonight, so that might set me off......

Oh Bee, so sorry to hear how it has all turned out. I have been in my own denial for you, hoping that I'd drop in to find out it had been just a horrible scare. Sending you hugs. When I miscarried I would have a couple of weeks off work also - I just felt I didn't have it in me to care for other people til then. As for your LM, it is so hard for them cause they not only have to deal with their own feelings but also have to see us in pain, knowing they can't fix it. Men hate feeling helpless. Do you know Rob Thomas' (love that man) song 'Her Diamonds'? He wrote it about his wife who suffers from an autoimmune disease, and how hard it is to be in it with her but feel unable to help her. It makes me cry every time cause I know this is how my man has felt many times in the past, and I'm sure yours does too. Much love to you both xx

Lins, I think I understand where you are coming from with your work colleague (?spelling). Things seem to come so easy to some. A close relative (by marriage) was pregnant the same time as me last year, to a man she had just met - not only did she forgo the folic acid (shock horror) she smoked cigarettes, pot and injected methamphetamines throughout her pregnancy. Her first antenatal visit was at 30 weeks. She went on to deliver a healthy baby the week after my little one was due.
I had to listen to everyone going on about what a perfect baby he was from day one. I wasn't jealous, just sickened at how some people take things so much for granted, while others blame themselves for things like not taking folic acid, or perhaps thinking the wrong things while they were pregnant! Glad to hear your little one is still jumping around madly!

I have my morphology/anomaly scan coming up Monday.

Hugs to Kate too, sorry for what you have been thru/going thru

xxxxxx

Morning all. Hows the weather Bee?

Hello Mishta! All the very best for Monday.

Lucky, swap you a muffin for some soup - it's cold and rainy and autumnal here, and soup would go down a treat. Have been swimming with DD and am wet and cold!

Bee, how are you doing sweetie? wish we lived nearby and you could come rest in our house. Though we seem to attract all the local kids so it isn't that quiet.

Lins, actually I think I might have been a bit like your colleague in my first pregnancy (the one that worked!). Didnt show till well after 24 weeks, had teeny bump throughout, and didnt tell people till after 20 weeks mostly. Didnt mean I wasnt scared though - in a way being blase about it was self-protective. Everyone reacts in different ways. But you are in a different place - you KNOW what can go wrong - so no wonder it is bigger for you. How many weeks are you now?

Hi Mishta, good luck with the anomaly scan.

Hi Newspaperdeliverer - any updates for us on christening (and outfit)?

A new season upon us, and I echo Lucky - we are such a positive, supportive space. Speaking of which, has Shangrila returned from holiday? Hi Shangrila if you're around.

The weather on the outside of the house appears to fine and sunny and windy and alive.
On the inside it is gloomy as hell.
The builders - intent on making my life a misery- have made holes in every wall, by every socket, big gauged holes. My sofas are covered in dust; my kitchen stuff is in the hall, in the dining room. My children's rooms are thrown upside down as the builders burrow down, down, down.
It is unbearable for me; in spite of knowing it is all in a good cause. I need safety, quiet, respite.
I want to sob and shout. It is not fair.
You are right Lucky and Justa and Cantdo - the initial feelings of miscarriage are less violent. But now? Feel as bad as I ever did after the other two.
The presence of the mountains of wrong things in wrong rooms is upsetting. A giant has picked up my house, tipped it upside down, shaken it and put it back.
And probably me too - I have been picked up and shaken.
My keyboard is broken too - can not email and typing here very slow and disturbed.
There you go. It will pass. But this is
today.
Thank you so very much for messages and loving words. And you too Shangrila.
I know we all have it to carry - chronic pain- I am just having an acute attack today.
B x

V quick as dashing off but wanted to say: Bee - grrr at things conspiring against peace and respite. Am sorry the muddle in your house is mirroring the muddle in your head... K x

Thank you Kate.
Have texted my loved ones for words of moral support and am walking around house - everyone out- crying and not knowing where to start. I know everyone cares and sends their heartfelt love. I feel dreadful in spite of it - but when am less overwhelmed, well the words will comfort me.
x

If it's any comfort, Bee, the weather here is stormy and wild - bit like how you might feel, and definitely like the inside of the house.

Not surprised the house disarray is making it all feel worse. I am anxious even when a room is being painted, let alone anything like you are having done.

Words don't help when you're in that state, but I am sending you lots of empathetic hugs anyway, and hoping someone comes home and gives you a real life hug. A glass of wine, a blanket, chocolate, a hot bath, a novel? These all help in whatever teeny a way.

You don't deserve this. It isn't fair.

Oh Bee. We know it of old this feeling, these days, don't we? It's a cruel thing that you have to revisit these days of old.

This too will pass. Maybe tomorrow will be better/easier/calmer/cloudy/sunny/windy/rainy. Whatever, it will pass. Just wait it our my Bee.

Justa - it goes on for you and your family. Sending strength for you, your mum and dad and your family. Asking God for peace around here - this little community of ours. It doesn't seem to be in God's plan at the moment, but maybe soon there will be a period of rest for so many tired souls here. Will keep reminding God about it!

finally a place where you dont have to fear and feel worser for the decision taken.
It is difficult - never thought so before I was in the situation - termination of a wanted baby.

Hi Jaabaar - just saw your story from the other thread I've been on and I'm so sorry that you have had recent worries as well. I think for anyone, for whatever reason, taking the decision to end a pregnancy is the hardest thing: trying to think of the best to do in a situation where there is no straightforward or 'right' answer. I agonised about the decision, cried as I made the appointment; sadly my DD died before I had to go through with it, and I know I was spared a lot of additional heartache because of this. I don't think anyone who has been there can be judgemental about those who've been in a similar position.

I do hope all continues to go well for you this time.

Bee - I am sorry the chaos of your house is not allowing you the peace you seek at this time; it sounds like it mirrors too closely the grief you are feeling. I think you have to rage, to shout, to rail against life - I'm guessing you don't have much chance to do that when you are being mum to your children, or with the builders actually there. After the storm, calm will return, but in its own time.

Justa - thinking and praying for you and yours in this difficult time.

Feels very autumnal today, leaves gently starting to fall and conkers on the ground (DS had 3 clutched tightly in his hands earlier). A time for being cosy and drinking cups of tea. I've no soup or muffins to offer, but can do a nice cuppa if anyone is in need of one...

I'm about and whilst I don't need a cuppa, I rarely say no.

Just thinking about Bee and wondering if you have found a calm corner to rest. x

Hello jaabaar.

I go on holiday on Saturday for a week - so I'll be missing in beach action. Splattered in Factor 50 as am as white as the box I am typing in. Darn it.

Bee, I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you. And Kate, I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through too. I've been thinking about you so much but only managed to get online.

It's late here (am in France). I must try to sleep but will log on properly tomorrow.

Hugs and comfort, bb xx

Hi Brightongirl! hope France is going well.

Bee, hope the storm has abated somewhat and you are a little calmer today. How long will the house turmoil last?

Hi Jaabaar! I don't know what your story is. Mine is that I have a healthy DD, but since have had 2 terminations, one at 13 weeks and one at 20 weeks, both for (different) fatal abnormalities. This is a very comforting, positive, space where we try to hold each other up (rather than bring each other down- which I guess is a risk of this sort of thread), and it's a fantastic place to be. Welcome!

Lucky Newspaperdelivery person going to the beach - it is cold and rainy here, autumnal, really.

Justa = how is your dad doing?

Thinking of Bee in particular.

Morning all. I'm hoping to secure internet in France. I want to be about to hear of Bee. x

Hello Brightongirl!!

Hi News...and everybody...especially Bee...

...gosh, I slept in a lot today. Had a bit of a day of it yesterday. Car brakes went while I was on a busy road with a juggernaut behind me. Managed to steer to the side though and stop. Being stuck at the roadside for several hours was not a bad thing as it was sunny and the view was amazing. All fixed now. Phew.

Where you going News? Shall I CAT you? I am down south not far from Montpellier.

Bee, I wish, I wish I could transport you here. The house is a little chaotic too, but in a different way...with chunky antique furniture filling every possible gap...and a million ornate trinkets laid about on every surface...but step outside and there is nothing...just a gentle crackling of crickets and comforting warmth. I've extended my stay for a week...I miss my OH, but it is doing me good to be here.

Sending you all a little of the sun...although, I may have spoken to soon. Might be a storm I hear brewing now!

bb xxx

I have to go - so I'll see you in a week.

I'm going to Frejus brighton, are you around there? Am a bit clueless on the locality tbh

Bee - you should ship up to my house for a week!! Although there is a need for builders and decorators etc, there are actually none present. So it's relatively peaceful. God I hope you are ok. Don't wish to disturb whatever coping mechanism you have however, so won't nag. But will be back in a week anxious for news of you, and sending all love.

Hello Girls,
I am new here - lins pins pointed me in the right direction.
I hope you are all doing as well as you can - i haven't had time to read this whole thread but i am sorry for all your losses.
I have made the sad decision to have a termination after finding out my baby girl has turners syndrome. Due to many factors discovered at my first scan i was told she would not survive and i have opted for a termination to save us all more pain and suffering - the longer it goes on the more my heart breaks.
I am having a surgical termination on Monday (i will be just under 14 weeks) and i am very scared - i feel very low right now and am not sure how i will get through the day.
Luckily i have a great partner though so i am not alone.
Katie xxx

Hi Katiecubs, 'glad' you made it over to here, it's a very supportive place. I know it does feel like your heart is broken, I remember that feeling so well. The despair, the emptiness, the never ending sadness. I hope it's ok to say that it will get better...you will never forget, and never be the same, but you will find that time helps. (such a cliche). I'm very glad you have a supportive partner, you will be able to help each other through.

Both my terminations were by birth so I'm not so clued up with advice about the other options, but all I can say is to spend time between now and then creating memories...good ones if you can. A peaceful warm bath with bubbles, to stroke your tummy and speak to your little one...a hour lying on a rug somewhere beautiful in the sunshine, acknowledging what could have been but knowing it is ok to let go.
Losing a baby this tiny leaves very little in the way of tangible evidence that they were here. Maybe take a picture of yourself, pregnant, to keep in a memory box. Put in scan pics, appointment letters.
At some point in the future there are more ways of creating things to remember your baby...possibly special rosebushes or planting a tree. You can even get teeny weeny quilts embroidered with your baby's name and date, for you to keep.
Different hospitals vary with their treatment of women going in for terminations, and I am so hoping that your hospital is one of the ones that gets it 'right' and treats you with kindness, sympathy, and gentleness on Monday.

I'll post you a message over the weekend, I know how long the whole waiting bit seems.
Sending you big hugs through cyberspace. xxxxxxxx