support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

so, so, so sorry to hear your news Bee, how truly dreadful for you to experience alone in the middle of the night. Also glad that you've saved yourself from going in for dreaded surgery thought.

Nice to hear from you JJF, of course we haven't forgotten.

Love to all esp Bee xxxx

Oh Bee, I'm so sorry . My thoughts are with you and LM... xx

Oh Bee, I am so sorry too. Not fair. Please try to rest and let the grief flow naturally. I hope you aren't working today.

Hi JJF - great to hear from you.

And everyone else. I sense the mood - we are all grieving for and with our lovely Bee. Hugs to you.

SUch lovely words of support and some good advice. I hope you are hanging in there Bee.

Nice to see all you familiar names, how lovely of you too step in and offer hand holds. Bee will be feeling the safety net and be held up a little higher by your support.

Oh girls - thank you
Still crampy and in pain.
LM has shut down a bit - now the urgent phase has passed - I think he has his own loss and sorrow to deal with on top of dealing with his worry for me.
Is wordless and has gone back to work without kissing me goodbye and did not get up in night to get my pain killers.
Have two weeks booked off work.
I know myself and I know I need it.
Do I really have to go into hospital for a scan?
Really find it so upsetting to go there.
Numpty - did not say hello to you yesterday - thank you for posting and caring.
And to Mishta too - Justabout is correct - you are holding me up all of you.
So painful.
Tree - thank you - I sensed your thoughts - I did. x
Bee xx

I?m so so sorry, Bee, to read this. I was thinking of you all weekend and hoping against hope that the worst wouldn?t happen. It?s so unfair. I hope the physical pain at least will pass soon. Your poor LM too. We say this over and over but it is so hard for them to balance being strong and dealing with their own feelings.

I?m ok, still a bit numb. It is a different sort of pain, isn?t it? I felt a strange relief when it became clear the bleeding was in fact a miscarriage, relief that I could just be sad and not have to make decisions or cope with the guilt again. My insides have felt so knotted up since the termination, as I?ve been so desperate to be pregnant again, that I didn?t think it would even be possible to conceive. And when we did, there were a few things that made me think things weren?t quite right. But we still allowed ourselves to get a little bit excited, it?s so hard not to, and hope that maybe this time things might work out. I think if this miscarriage had happened before the T21 pregnancy, I?d have been hit even harder by it. But coming as it did after the other, I feel more beaten down by the accumulation of sadness, rather than feeling raw grief for this early loss. I can only imagine how you must be feeling in this sense.

Could you call the hospital or your doctor to ask if you need a scan and if so, whether it can wait? It must feel like the last thing you need to do right now. You need to be selfish and do exactly what you know you need to do to get you through this awfulness. Kate xxx

Hi Bee, I guess LM needs to keep his feelings in check if he's going to work. I understand the self-distancing - hard for you though. I don't have any answers about the scan but hope our local newspaper delivery woman can help with that..

Kate, how did you guess it was going wrong? Interesting that you knew. How are you feeling now?

Hi Kate and Cant
I am going today for the scan.
I need it to be over.
I want to know yes it is over.
I identify with your description Kate of the different feelings for a miscarriage - it is more gentle a loss than the agony of choosing to end a pregnancy.
Are you at work again?
Think we probably will take forever to recover from terminations. Think the miscarriage is a different level - easier to accept.
Will get in touch later.
kisses and gratitude to you all
Bee

Hello Bee,

Can't wait to know you are home from the scan and away from it all. LM must be reeling. Utterly reeling. You all seem caught in a tornado. Lets just get you home and holed up, and get LM to the weekend till he can relax his grip on his coping. Hang in there LM, keep in your calm zone Bee.

x

Well done Bee for going for the scan. I hope you were able to get in and out as quickly as possible and get back into safe surroundings. Hospitals really do turn into upsetting places when you?ve spent so much time in them being hit by bad news.

Cant, there was nothing concrete in terms of guessing things weren't right. The positive lines on the pregnancy tests weren't quite as strong as last time, and we bought one of those digital tests that are supposed to tell you when you conceived - it said 1-2 weeks when I thought I should have been at least 2-3 weeks post conception. I had no symptoms either, and I remember having had a few vague ones by six weeks last time, although as the T21 pregnancy was my first, I wasn?t sure whether that was a very good yardstick to use?

I am back at work ? I find that I?m quite good at getting back to ?normal? on a superficial level ? I only had one day off and probably went back too quickly, but for me that?s the best way of dealing with things. Anyway, doing ok now, just still reeling from the double blow, and yearning so much for a successful pregnancy. I had been trying not to look at pregnancy-related things recently as I could feel myself getting so wound up inside. But I have still been lurking on this thread, as it?s the only place where I felt comfortable. I had been so pleased to see good news for so many deserving people. But when I read Bee?s posting I couldn?t help but add a message as it chimed so directly with me. Kx

Hello Katerina. Bee will so appreciate your posting.

Sorry to speak for you Bee, but if you are out there and can't muster what is needed to post, the thread knows what it's like to feel like that and understands. x

Hello Tree and Kate and Cant
Have been and am back.
Was mercifully quick - astonishingly so.
Had another vaginal scan.
All signs of embryo gone - I knew that really.
Still thick lining so bleeding to come.
Still cramping.
Am calm Tree - is so very, very different an emotional space.
With the terminations felt had been dragged by the hair through an agonising tunnel of pain and choice. This time, feel so sad for that third little baby. Feel more peaceful, feel want to plant three lavender bushes for my LM and his three not babies. Feel understanding of his quiet space and his having to cope. Feel unhysterical. Even in the chaos of my home - still no kitchen, still a house full of builders.
Kate - we are very much here for you and you are very much a carriage on the train of this thread. Keeping on keeping on can work too as a way of normalising. My job requires so much performing - cannot be quiet and private whatsoever. So need to be home for a while. In fact, maybe the business in my house is a distraction. LM says it may be helping.
Who knows?
So, am tired, tired, tired and you must be too Katerina. I wish you all the strength and health you will need to try again. Give yourself all the time you need.
thinking of you
Bee x

Hello all and special hello to Bee

Understand what you mean about miscarriage being different. I'm not sure why, but I found the miscarriage harder than the termination. I think because I didn't feel I had a right to grieve the termination, also because miscarriage was my first pregnancy, and thought miscarriages were 'rare'.

Am off to Cornwall tomorrow, meant to rain all week...

Speak soon

BK x

Hi Bee,

I am sorry. Sorry it's ended so early, sorry it has had to end, sorry you are going through this. I'm glad the hospital ordeal wasn't as bad as you feared, though.

Kate - I am with you on the speedy return to work. I too find normality helps. Normal life can be reassuring. And I hope you have the happy pregnancy you deserve soon.

Bezzy, enjoy Cornwall. And get thee to Rick Stein's place to report back to us all.

It's monsoon-like here, and our roof leaked last night. Fingers crossed we don't have a repeat tonight.

Thinking of you, Bee.

PS Bee - your words to Kate show that even in the middle of your pain you have amazing compassion. I really admire you.

PS Bee - your words to Kate show that even in the middle of your pain you have amazing compassion. I really admire you.

I have nearly done that so many times Justaabouteatingchocolate. Even just to sit outside the house.

Hi all, hope everyone is doing well.
How are you today Bee? Did you manage to sleep last night? I hope you are holed up at home and resting, and that the building works aren't too stressful. How is LM?
A few days after the miscarriage I went into manic organisation mode, booking up nights out over the next couple of months so that we had something to look forward to. One of which was tickets to the open air theatre in Regents Park for tonight - although I seem to have managed to pick the only night this week with heavy rain forecast. Oops!
Kx

Hi Kate
Am bit more delicate today than yesterday. Yesterday felt calm and resigned and defeated and relieved that would not be confronted with that terrible choice again.
Today feel so tired -did not sleep - head spinning with thoughts.
House a total bombshell - builders still wrecking the house and there is no refuge from them.
I recognise the desire to plan a future to look forward to as you have said you did after your recent miscarriage. Somehow it highlights that life is precious and to be grabbed and lived; and that people indeed face far, far worse crises. So last night, LM and I talked of career plans and holiday plans and how lovely our home will be when it is finished and ... well the life ahead of us and how we are going to make it good. Which we will.
But today, I am tearful, tired and overwhelmed by all that needs doing here but without the energy or drive to do it. Need to rest I guess- been a hard summer- working abroad, three kids at home, the house chaos and the pregnancy.
I was thinking about you in the night in fact - thinking that so very many women here have had a termination ( even two) and a miscarriage and have also had a healthy baby or more. Your time will come; it is out there in the future waiting for you.
Are you in good spirits generally - you do sound strong?
Justabout - thank you for you kind words and you too Tree and of course Cantdo. And Bezz - I know you are busy with the MIL - and I appreciate your texts.
Off to hide on neighbour's sofa whilst she is out.
thinking of you all
Bee xx

Thinking of you today Bee, and everyone else too. I know I am not posting much but I am always thinking of you ladies. Much love. xxx

Hi Bee
Sorry to hear you?re feeling more delicate, though I think it?s quite natural. It?s horrible when you?re so tired but can?t sleep with all those thoughts flying around. While the emotions themselves are different from after the termination, I did find the way I reacted was quite similar - flitting between sadness, acceptance, despair etc. As I know you know, I think you just have to accept whatever you are feeling as it comes and not fight it.
I am feeling quite strong right now. In fact in the few days after the miscarriage I felt stronger and more philosophical than I expected to; it was actually the following week when I felt weepy and defeated. This week things seem a little clearer again. Thank you so much for your reassuring words ? this sounds trite, but you are amazing to have space in your head to think of me when your head is spinning so much. Right now I am feeling optimistic that things will eventually work out for us. I really admire how you and LM were able to have a positive chat so soon. Even though it may all sound a bit hollow at first, I?m sure it?ll be helpful in the longer term.
Can?t remember if you?ve already said, but how much longer are your builders there for? I can sense your total exhaustion?physical and emotional?seeping through between the lines of your message. If only you could sleep for a whole week and wake up feeling rested. I?m glad you have some time before you have to think about work, especially as yours sounds so demanding. I can shut my office door and retreat behind my computer screen if things get too much, which helped me go back pretty quickly. Love to all, Kx

Hi ladies

Bee, you sound battered today. I agree with Kate - rest sounds like a plan, if you can get any. Rest and sleep if at all possible.

You are both right to plan happy futures. It's hard, isn't it? but it's the only way. I am trying to do likewise.

I wish I could offer more comfort to you Bee (and Kate). But I am infested with a horrid summer cold and am tired and jaded today.

Bee, have you managed to celebrate your lovely daughter's GCSE success? hope you can, amidst all of this. And Kate - hope you don't get too soaked!

Take care of yourselves, lovely ladies. You, we, we all deserve it.

Anyone for a banana choc-chip muffin?

Bee, I am sorry I haven't been around much to post and help you in what little way I can.

I think miscarriage is a complete up and down rollercoaster. One minute you feel slightly philosophical, the next you hit a huge dip and feel yourself falling. I can't bear that you and your lm have been through so much. I am often in your bit of London now. My cousin has moved in between Islington and Hackney so if you are ever in need of a cup of tea/coffee/huge piece of chocolate cake, you only have to ask.

I remember Tree telling me to wrap myself up in the softest blanket. I actually did it, and it worked. As did eating copious amounts of soup. In fact I made some potato and watercress, you want me to ladle some your way?

Can'tdo, I would love a banana choc-chip muffin. Can I swap it for a choc-chip biscuit? You are right, we do all deserve it. I haven't come across a lovelier group of people ever, who absolutely helped me in my hour of need. I hope I can pay it back in someway.