support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Hi Katiecubs

I am so sorry for what you are going through. My second baby (first is now a healthy 2 year old) had Turner's syndrome too; we discovered at 12 weeks that she couldn't live (though some babies with TS can live) very much the same way that you have. I terminated at 13 weeks - medical not surgical procedure. It was horrible, but to be honest I felt better after termination than in the limbo before it. It's such a shock, isn't it? I wandered into that scan as a low risk patient, and walked out in such a daze and my life had changed.

Anyway like Lins I didn't have surgery so not sure about the practicalities of the procedure. I recommend comfort - novels, chocolate, hot chocolate, baths. I also oddly found the kind of cheese forbidden in pregnancy, and wine, helpful.

Good luck on Monday, and we will hold your hands through it and be here for you when you get back. Everyone here is genuinely supportive - we are here for you.

Bee - hope you are okay...

Hello all
And a special hello to Katiecubs - no one would wish to be here but since you are.. well you could not hope for more support and compassion and an easy spot to let out all the feelings that must be seizing you. I am glad you have a supportive partner - you will need each other. We will all be here for you when you need us.
Friends - today bit better. Yesterday, well it hit me. A veritable wave of loss, and need of comfort and space and warmth and gentleness. My home offered none of this yet wanted to be nowhere else.
Cantdo - thank you for your messages and snapshots of life in the other world of recovering from the loss.
Lins - I do so understand, or think I do, a little of how you feel. With this third one, I just could not accept or feel pregnant at all. Could not allow myself to hope. I am proven sadly correct but it is not going to be that way for you darling. When this wee one comes to earth, we will all be here to welcome him or her and celebrate with you. You are such a loving mummy - it will not be hard to love him or her.
Brightonbaby - boy I would love to be where you are now - sounds idyllic and soothing. Where is your LM? Who are you with? How are the wedding plans lovey?
Justa - you have said kind and gentle things in recent posts and I thank you for it. You have your own family conundrums to deal with. Your poor mum. She must miss him being at home with her so badly. Although I ranted and raved and lost the plot last night, he was there to steady me. Hard to lose that after so many years together i imagine.
Bezz- you are away somewhere and so are you Tree. I shall text you both to say hello - I know you both worry otherwise.
Numptymum and Luckywinner - thank you two too for your messages and yes you are close when you pop over this way Lucky - let's meet some time when am stronger.
Feel fragile today - but more able to cope.
the builders have managed to make an enormous hole from my dining room (not as grand as it sounds) to my staircase. House falling apart in fact.
I love September usually - the new term, the fresh, fresh weather, the conkers (found some today at the park) and my birthday.
This year - all I can see is that it is one whole year since I started this pregnancy hoohaa and now , three losses down the line, and my forty second birthday looming, it seems my chances of a chubby bubba are over. So sad for my lovely man. So sad.
If I have missed anyone i am sorry - am not totally with it at all yet and not as glued to the thread as usual.
Am home alone so am going to hide in the spare room, relatively unruined, watch a movie and polish off the wine from last night.
Hugs and gentle thoughts to you all
Bee xxxxxxxx

Katiecubs
I have had two surgical terminations - no other option was offered to me - and am happy to talk about it here if it helps at all.
Mostly I found it imperative to have a caring, kind gentle soul to administer to my needs. One hospital were wonderful, wonderful. So gentle withe me. The second time was an unmitigated nightmare and I will one day complain.
I needed privacy and was on a day ward, no one seemed to know or care why I was there. I was too sick and anxious to demand better. But it is okay to say - this is not okay. You may need your partner's help in articulating your needs. Hopefully, there will be kind midwives there.
Do you know what sort of ward it is?
I had no pictures or scans to keep - did not want to oddly - but have kept cards and, most importantly for me- this thread gave birth to something. And that feels like a monument to my lost ones - it really does.
Bee xx

Katiecubs - I'm so sorry you are here, having followed your other thread I know you have been through so much emotional upheaval. But you will have made the best decision you can, given all the factors.

Linspins, Cant and Bee have all given good advice. I think Lin's suggestion of taking a photograph of yourself pregnant with your baby is a nice one - there is so little to remember afterwards, and this is what I've found hard. I find it hard to remember now that I was pregnant earlier this year, it seems like a dream. So a photo will help you remember that your baby WAS here for a time, was a part of your lives. I've also come across people who have named a star, planted something (eg something that flowers in the month your baby would have been due) or have their baby's birthstone in jewellery they wear.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself.

Hi lovely Bee, I hope the spare room helped slightly. And that the LM has given you some much-needed comfort, plus the wine. A year. I am shaking over the dates too: a year ago I was pregnant and blase, assuming everything was okay. A year on I have lost 2 babies. And you have now lost three. But you sound as though you are coming through it, very slowly. Your LM is a real treasure.

Autumn is coming. Time to hibernate, for woolly jumpers and comfort food. Maybe that will help. Are you off work for another week?

Hi everyone else. Anyone other than me watching the X factor?

Evening girls,

Thank you for your warm welcomes! I have taken quite a bit of time to read through your threads - i can't believe so many of you have been through this 2 or even 3 times. so very sad and so very brave.
Thanks also for all your suggestions on keeping the memories alive - i'm feeling so low about the impending loss at the moment. I think i must keep dreaming about the baby because i always wake up teary and in a panic. My first thoughts and always am i doing the right thing and what if they are wrong and she has a chance at surviving?! My partner helps keep my sensible head on through.

Cantdo i think you are very right about this being the in limbo stage - hopefully i will be able to deal with it better when i have an 'end' so to speak.
It's funny i never thought that something like this would happen to me (silly i guess, it has to happen to someone) i was so looking forward to breezing through my first pregnancy happy and glowing like everybody else. Now the thought of going through it again just fills me with fear.

I hope you are having nice Saturday nights i'm cuddles up on the sofa with my cat waiting for Xfactor to begin :-)
Katie x

P.S despite all the hurt and pain you have all been through this really is an incredibly witty thread - i have laughed out loud on numerous occasions (I hope you undertand i mean no offence by that, you guys are just very funny!) I guess the light hearted banter that weaves between the heartbreaking stories just shows what good friends you have all become.
Busier bee do you write for a living? if you don't you really should, you have an amazing way with words.

Hi Darling Cantdo
Ooh the X factor - usually not allowed but LM out as are kids - at their dad's - so yes may give it a whirl.
I have spent the day with my mum putting my kitchen back together and it has taken all day. I have made a list of all the things I must have - food items and kitchen paraphenalia and as you say, autumn is coming - woolly jumpers (have I got any) and making soup in my new unfinished kitchen. Have too much cupboard space and not enough fridge -wish had a big American one. Boo. Made a mistake but was told my Fred's Luxury Kitchens (!) that would not fit.
Love - a year is a long, long time and a short, short time too isn't it? A whole year ago, I spilt the news to LM in a rainy, Pembrokeshire town. He was holding a huge cabbage and standing by the clock tower and he looked as delighted as I have ever seen him. He was so very happy.
A whole year ago.
It feels like yesterday and yet also I am another person.
One just has to accept as there is nothing in our control to make it any different at all. The process of acceptance is not easy is it?
Some friends of LM popped in today- they are from Glasgow, rarely in town, very good friends of his from his home country -and sweetly bought my some Arran Aromatics bath bits and bobs. Am back on the wine, the bath, the chocolate. They also bought the most divine cupcakes from a local market - violet frosted. There is one in the fridge. Raspberry frosted with a wee raspberry atop. It is calling to me but this week all I have eated is utter junk - having no oven.
Do I answer it's desperate call or do I not?
I hope you are cosy and contented Cantdo. I hope you have the chance for another baby to love and cherish. I am sure you will.
hugs and very special thoughts to you
Bee xxxxxxxxxx

Hello Katie Cubs
Am glad you have posted sweetie - in my current sad spot I think I was not very positive yesterday on my post and I apologise for it. You do not need to hear bad news stories of unfortunate hospital events.
Mostly - how I feel is - you will get through it. I have, Lins has, Bezzy has and whilst I would wish it on no-one, there is something strengthening and perspective making about this loss. Somehow it has to be turned into something a tiny bit positive. For me, it helped my realise how very much I love my lovely man. I can remember vividly with the first set of bad news, I was overcome with how much I loved him, how much my heart bled for him, even though my own heart was ripped open.
Stay here with us as long as you like. And we are funny. Funny is necessary and good. The funny is what keeps us going.
Thank you also for appreciating my writing- I do not write professionally but feel a writing voice has been unleased and it is so much a part of me now, I do not know how to stop it. Sometimes I think in a writing voice - in the middle of a crisis. Not to be published, just to help articulate my feelings.
X factor - here we come.
Let the tears flow - I woke crying so often. You are in shock, your whole body and spirit are.
Speak soon
hugs and gentle, gentle hand holding to you
Bee xxxx

Dear Justa
I am rather partial to a little boy with dirty hands myself. I also have a passion for dirty knees.
Although my big boy has recently been helping his dad to pave the garden and for some bizarre reason his hands smell of... foxes. You know that terrible foxy smell? It is truly foul. And no amount of scrubbing seems to work. Well, we have not tried that hard but...
Justa, why am I drawn to watching terrible traumas on the telly - this evening I am watching a film about 9/11. Am not sure I even morally approve of watching such things but am drawn to it.
Hope you are happy in your pregnant largeness.
kisses

Hello all, a very quick greeting from my Cornish palace. Hello to Katie cubs, sorry you had to join us. I too had my termination for T21 on a Monday, and I remember spending the weekend in a numb state if shock. Went shopping in John Lewis for light fittings as if everything was just normal. But you are right, once the hell of Monday is over, you'll be able to work on healing the nasty wounds. You have definitely found the right place to be. These amazing ladies gave me the strength to try again. The procedure is very straight forward and I felt no pain whatsoever. Nothing to worry about there.

Glad to see you're around Bee. Does the fact that you're sorting your kitchen, mean that it's almost finished?

Ate in one of Rick Steins restaurants tonight, and he came in! Am completely star struck. How sad.

Love to all xx

Hello my Bezzy
You emailed me or texted me and I apologise for not replying - have not been very communicative - apart from now and then feel drawn back to the thread. Will text you this very minute in fact.
Bee xx

Hi Ladies, I have been pointed in this direction from this thread, I did initially namechange, but as most RL ppl on here now know, I don't see the need anymore.

I think I may be around at least for the next few weeks if you'll all have me, am feeling quite lonely tonight and aprehensive and sick and tired, and DP has gone to bed, not sure if he's dealing with things by sleeping, I need him, yet can't stand him at the moment. He wants me to talk about my feelings, but I can't and neither does He.

I have read the last few pages, I'm not great at responding to people at the best of times but know that I am reading in and taking in all your posts, I am so sorry for all your losses and Katycubs will be thinking of you especially.

Hello again everyone! Back from hols and trying to catch up with the last three weeks. It will take me a while - but I promise to get there.

Bee - you know my thoughts and my distress at what's happened. Nothing I can say will help but I send my love anyway. I sense a subtle shift in the tone of your writing and note that you are finding positives, which in itself is lovely. Particularly, at these most dire times, the affirmation of the depth of a relationship can be extremely powerful and a considerable boost. My very best to all the Bees.

Lins and Justa, sounds as if things are progressing as they should. I think that getting past the 20 week stage feels like a real statement. Justa - how is your dad doing? DH's brother had a stroke when we were on holiday and I feel mean somehow to be getting potentially excited about what the future may bring when there is so much turmoil in my extended family. Goodness knows how you are dealing with the stress. Hope you and your mum are managing to remain on an even keel.

Lins - hope that big scan you have looming goes as it should. Then perhaps you will allow yourself a brief sigh of relief. Will be keeping my fingers firmly crossed for you. Not that I think you need it - but every little helps!

Bezzy - any news? I've tried to trawl to find any dates etc but have failed. Of course, this is just me being unsufferably nosey and you may be wanting to keep a low profile, which I totally understand. Hope all's well, anyway.

Jabaar, KatieCubs and NeedCoffee - huge welcome to you all. This is such a unique place where we confide, soothe, listen and occasionally laugh together. I am a massive 4 years on from my last tx but still find it my natural home on mumsnet. And long may it stay that way! Kate, you'll be in my thoughts on Monday. Such a hard time for you and I wish you strength to deal with the procedure and the emotions. I have had two surgical terminations, both dealt with incredibly sensitively by medical staff. The op itself was so straightforward on both occasions - an otherworldly experience in many ways. The longer term emotional recovery can be more arduous. But that's where this place comes into its own. Keep on treating yourself as gently as possible and have no expectations of how you 'should be'.

I'm going to go back for a catch up now and chase up developments for cantdo, newspaper(?)delivery and everyone else. Then on with preparing for DD's back to school after a LONG summer holiday. She's ready and so am I!

As for me, (I'll make it brief), Greece was fantastic and marked a real transition in how I felt. In a swimming costume, my condition was obvious to all and sundry and for the very first time I made no attempt to hide it, which felt odder than odd. It was tremendously liberating and made me appreciate just what a bundle of stress I'd become in recent months. Could have done without the blistering heat, however.

We came straight home and to my anomaly scan. Not in my usual hospital but the staff were lovely and everything is blissfully normal, or so I'm told. For the first time I managed to look at him on screen and of course, tears everywhere. DH and I are keeping a tally of the number of complete strangers I have bawled my eyes out in front of. Current total: 17! Only blot on the horizon (and it seems churlish in the extreme to complain) is a low lying placenta which will require yet another peep at 30 weeks and potentially a C-section.

Anyway, back to work tomorrow and I will be letting them know on Wednesday. Then it will all seem too, too real for words.

Excuse the prattling! Off to read in detail what you've all been up to.

Love to all, especially the ladies who have recently joined on the journey. xxxx

Oh and NeedCoffee - do you think it would help to share your situation? Not that you have to but you may find that when others know your story, they'll be able to comment or even help in the most meaningful way. This is an incredibly safe place and everyone here is supportive and more than ready to listen.

However, if it's easier for you just to read and raise the occasional 'hi' , then that's fine by us too.

Take care

Bee do not worry i did not find your post un positive - i actually forgot to mention it but it's helpful to hear other people's experiences (thanks too shangrila!).
I'm going into day surgery also and am under no illusions. I hate crying in front of strangers and sitting on a mixed ward before and after my op i think will be pretty unbearable. I'm just praying it goes as quickly as possible! I am going in at 12.30 and it will be anytime between then and 5.30 - please let me be first!!!
I hope you all had nice saturdays nights and are enjoying your sunday's so far xx

Katiecubs, been thinking of you and hoping the weekend isn't too awful. I have lost count of the people I have cried in front of. Most doctors, midwives, sonographers, but random people too - dentist, osteopath, mums at toddler groups ETC!
I needed a little, ahem, repair work after having my Dd, and had to go back to the same gynae ward as the one I gave birth to my angel (although then I was in my own room). I was in such a state at being there, they put me first on the list...was supposed to be last. So a little crying can get results. Hope they are compassionate to you poppet.
If you know you are going to be on a mixed ward then at least it won't be a shock.
Hope you have found a few moments of peace to talk to your little girl and say goodbye.
xxxx

Oh girls, who was it before that recommended a book about getting children to sleep without tears (mine and theirs) every night?
Dd is currently upstairs screaming hysterically and I can't take the bedtime horribleness any more. Whatever I do I feel like a complete failure. I know 'bedtimes' might sound a bit off topic for the thread but I think my inability to get this right has something to do with my losses. After we lost Amy, our next door neighbours had a baby, and I could hear it crying through the wall. It was awful, and all I wanted to do was go and pick it up. I have always been one of those 'pick it up and cuddle it' types anyway. And when our Dd was born, I found her easy to soothe as long as she was being held and cuddled. It might be a case of chicken and egg, but she ended up needing patting, rocking, cuddling and endless pacing about with when she was little. And bedtimes haven't got much better. But I can't, I just can't do the 'leave her to cry' stuff. If she's screaming 'Mummy, I need you, I'm so sad, I need a cuddle!" I just have to go. I think she's got this well and truly sussed. When she cries, it rips my heart in two. Somewhere in my head it feels like I let one baby down, I can't abandon another, who is here in RL and needs me. Although my logical head says i am not doing her any favours by being so soft.
I know the situation is my problem rather than hers and she is crying because that is the pattern we have got in to, but I honestly don't know what to do (short of sending me in to therapy).
Sorry for this long rant I had to get this off my chest. I'm really upset (as well as being hungry!!).

Apologies to all who would love to have a crying toddler as the worst of their worries.
Am thinking of you katiecubs, especially, as well as our lovely Bee, and everyone else. xxxxxx

Hi Lins it was me that sang about the no cry sleep solution for toddlers and pre schoolers. It's by Elizabeth Pantley. Worked wonders for us when we were in same situation as you. I too am a pick up and cuddle mummy. Believe it or not, but Mini Bez now says when I put her to bed 'night night mummy, love you'. Good luck I know how soul destroying it is.

Hope you're ok Katie. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hello everyone else, much love xxx

Hi all

Am bleary and tired, flew back from hols at my folks straight to a work meeting, then home to unpack bags and write up meeting notes (well, in a minute anyway) but thought I'd check in here first.

NeedCoffee - I'm glad you found your way here... am I right in thinking your date is Tues? Do say as much or as little as will help you to cope with it.

KatieCubs - I hope your Sunday was a quiet one. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, I hope the staff are gentle and kind.

Bee - I find myself reading all the news on the BBC website that features children, even though I know such news is rarely good. Then of course cry about it, how sad for them or their parents, whatever bad thing has happened. Doesn't really give me more hope for the future though, so I don't know why I do it... lately I've been wondering whether it's worth trying again. I'm lucky that I have DS, and that he's such a great boy. I'm so sorry that you and Cant have both had such a tumultuous year.

Lins - hope all goes well with your scan, I hope you have a better sonographer than Justa! And good luck with DD and crying, I got that book too (though we've done a mix of firmness and gentleness). It's so hard when they are crying, isn't it? I'm a complete softy, esp at bedtime.

Hope everyone else is OK.

Anyway, off to write up those work notes and collapse into bed with audio Harry Potter (my comfort book of the moment - can't face anything adult). xxx

Shangrila, meant to say a big YAY!!! that your scan went well. Another step in the right direction. Go girl, in your swimming cosi. My scan is not until the 16th, I'm not apprehensive...yet!

Bezzy, I will get that book. Love the mini-bez saying nice things to you. My Dd says them too, but usually howling from her bed when should be sleeping "I love yoooooou, Mummy! I neeeeeeed you here!!! (sob sob) I just want a little stroke.."etc. Emotionally tiring at the end of a day.

Justa, definitely some guilt in there, thinking 'she's all I've got, and so precious to me, why don't I just go to her?' sigh.

Hugs all round, off to bed now. xxxxxxx

Hi all

Busier, hope your finding some moments of peace in your life, literally and emotionally. Thinking of you often

Kateycubs, thinking of you today - hope you got to create some tangible memories as the girls suggested. If not, your daughter will still always be a part of you, an angel to watch over you

Needcoffee, will be thinking if you - is it tomorrow? Have read your other thread and even though our stories may differ (everyones does) I can understand where you are coming from. All that matters is that we do what us right for us whichever path we choose.

And hi to Jabaar? I recall seeing a short post from you, not sure of your story, but hope you find what you need here (I did), and that you are going ok

Lins, hope DD settles down for you. What is it with mothers and guilt? I was in tears to DH last night over 12 year old DD's behaviour - feeling like such a bad
mum, wondering where I went wrong, wondering why I'm doing it all again when I can't even seem to cope with the two I have!

And thanks Cantdo and Tree for your well wishes for today. Will keep you posted.

Take care everyone xx

Oh, and I second Lins's YAY!!! for your scan results Shangrila!!!