support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Oh Lins.... I found it very strange on my due dates too as I was, like you, pregnant again for two of them. It was very hard and no one in my family - even dh - remembered or understood my grief.

Daisy was here on this planet, for however brief a time. She blessed your family and has touched us all. Sending love to you x

Thanks girls. sniff.

Much love Lins x

Thinking of you Lins. x

Will be remembering Daisy and the time you had with her tomorrow.

For goodness sake Justa, how infuriating, really taking the shine off a day that should be happy and celebratory. If I were you, I'd have put them on a major guilt trip.

So quiet around here at the moment, any idea when Can't is back? Where you hiding Brightongirl?

Busy week, this week as MIL arrives on Friday, so need to make everything spic and span, must make a list to ignore follow. She's yet to find out about impending baby.

Speaking of which, there's no mention of pregnancy at all in the Bez house, conveniently been swept under proverbial rug, even when Capt C puts his arm around me, it's subtly placed somewhere other than across my middle. In complete denial. While I understand it's very hard for him, and denial is his only coping mechanism, makes me feel very lonely as feel I'm having to cope alone. Not allowed to mention tiredness or worries. The only discussion we've had, was when I brought up the topic of testing, and clarified what he wanted to have done. Sorry to offload here, I realise it's insensitive of me, considering that so many of you are still suffering with very raw pain. Just not sure where else to rant where people might understand. So unfair, we've all been robbed of the early pregnancy excitement.

Must get dressed and head to B&Q. Joy.

BK

Sorry, meant to add, hope you're doing ok Lins, thinking of you. You doing anything to mark the day?

BK x

Hi everyone

Lins, thinking of you today particularly. May Daisy rest in peace. xxx

Justa, I had a horrible sonographer last time too - only difference was the scan was very bad news as well. He was plain awful. I couldn't ever be scanned by him again! So I know how you feel. Grr.

Hi everyone else! Too much to comment individually on everyone. I had an okay time away, am tired and bit grumpy now as it wasn't very restful (was at in-laws) and DD is being a painful sleeper still.

Bezzy - guess Capt C is just handling things as he can. Maybe your MIL will be more helpful? did she know about the termination? I think he's just protecting himself and he doesnt realize you need support too. Know exactly what you mean about early pregnancy being robbed of any joy, though. Is MiniBez now fully potty trained, btw?

Hugs to everyone else - too many to mention, but to Busier in particular, because you are so uncharacteristically quiet - take care of yourself, sweetie.

Everyone, I have some good news which I must share with someone: My Dh has just been offered a place to run in next years London Marathon, fundraising for ARC!!!!!! OMG!!!

He runs a little now, just for fun/keep fit, but this will be a BIG challenge. And I will be a 'running widow' !

It's very apt that he found out on Daisy's due date. Obviously I will take this as a good sign that he will raise LOADS of money. I feel really emotional about this now, probably because of the date. phew, more sniffs.

Thanks everyone for being here for me. xxxx

lins - thats amazing news. What an amazing thig to happen on Daisy's due date. I hope your day was as ok as can be. x

Welcome back Cant!
justa - awful you had such a person doing your scan. Awful. If you have it in you, make the complaint. They need to know it won't do. However, great news your scan was A-ok.

Bezzy - it's ok to off load. Thats what here is all about! With time hopefully he will become more able to relate and connect. Hard for you though x bug hand holds.

Bee. Bee? Beee-eeeeeee? x to Bee.

Oh my dearest Linsy
Darling - thank goodness I logged on.
I feel so connected to you and Daisy and that shocking few months we shared here back in March.
She was a precious girl.
She always will be -and never be forgotten here on this thread.
And hello to everyone else - I am tired and quiet but listening still.
Will be back
Beeeee

Dear Lins - been thinking of you and Daisy today...

And Justa/GO - how horribly insensitive of your sonographer , and of yours too, Cantdo. I am so glad I had sensitive sonographers; all the staff were great. The only time I was really angry was the last scan, when the lovely consultant had just started and some woman walked in without a by your leave and started talking to her about some mundane matter, while I was left looking at my baby on the screen and realising she had died. I REALLY REALLY REALLY wish I'd said something to that woman now (not the consultant, I think she was embarrassed and she did stop scanning me when the woman just continued to talk). But that woman must have forgotten that sometimes, just sometimes, women being scanned in the Fetal medicine unit are there BECAUSE THEIR BABY HAS A PROBLEM. (you can see how p'd off I was with my sudden use of caps - yep, unresolved anger here!).

GGGRRR numpty, some people are well - UNBELIEVABLE! (note the use of caps)

I had a lovely consultant who gave me last dating scan. hmmm however, he told me that there didn't look like there was anything to be worried about and we should be able to tell our family and friends about the pregnancy.

This was a week before the SAME consultant did the nuchal, and gave me a 1 in 26 chance of downs.

Hmmm.....go figure.

Hope everyone has an ok day, I'm trying to motivate self to get off ass and go have a shower.

Not working.

BK xx

Where we are you just have to go outside and you'll be wet through...

I'm in Bristol, Numpty, how about you? If I remember correctly, you're in Scotland? I spent a very happy 7 years in Edinburgh

BK x

Hi everyone,

Lins, I'm so sorry I wasn't here to post yesterday. Belatedly sending you lots of love. Great news for your DH - amazingly nerve-wracking - but what a challenge. I've increased my runs to 6.5km now and am hoping to do a 10k in November - totally small fry compared with a marathon. Keep us updated on his progress, it's really inspiring - and I'd love to donate if we can figure some way of doing that. I never contacted the ARC, but in a funny sort of way, I was glad to know that they were there and to hear the positive things people on this thread have said about them. It's a lovely tribute to Daisy, for the news to come on her due date.

I really honestly cannot tell you where I've been for the last few days - in my own world selfishly, I think. I do feel like I'm out of the woods. I've also been keeping incredibly busy - taking on lots of bits of work - juggling multiple deadlines and planning a holiday for next week! I'll be away from Friday but might be able to log on while I'm away - not sure if I'm taking my laptop with me yet.

But, I do feel like I've neglected you all for a bit, and I'm sorry about that. I limited my internet usage in order to get lots of work done, which has worked, but I've missed coming on here.

Sorry to hear the insensitive scanner stories. There's no excuse for that sort of attitude. Very happy to hear the scan was good though, Justa.

Bee, Can'tdo, so happy you're back. Bezzy, good luck with your MIL's visit the next couple of weeks. I'm sure Capt C will get more used to the idea once a little more time has past. Funny aren't they? I've no idea how my OH will react the next time.

Take care everybody. Huge hugs xx

Hi all.

Hope you are ok Lins.

Hugs to Bee.

And all.

My dear souls
I have been composing to you all today. Not sure why exactly as has been one shocking day - but I feel the absolute need of your compassion and support.
I was, I am, I have been, seven weeks pregnant.
I have not shared it here with you all, as was so very private and scared and could not somehow have it in the public domain - I hope you understand.
Have been so intensely negative - was not like this the second time - but it must be a defense against more heartache as have had a shell of hard, cynical surety that the baby would have T21.
Today I went for my dating scan - alone as LM was at a meeting in the north. I was not really expecting any bad news at this early stage - that has not been my pattern so far. I sat there in the FMU- only woman without a partner there. I breathed in and I breathed out and tried to calm myself down. I texted you lovely Lins and Bezzy.
The consultant calls me.
I go into the room - the same room where I had my last desolate news and cvs. Different consultant. Same midwife, Mary, and another one too. Do they know already? God knows why there are so many of them - this is not usual.
I burst into spouty tears and Mary holds tight to my hands. I do not look at the screen. 'Have you had any bleeding?' No.
Nobody says that they can see a heartbeat. Nobody says that they can see an embryo.
'Can you see anything?' I ask through tears.
'Yes, a small sac'.
He stops the scanning. Needs to do a vaginal scan as can not see the hearbeat. Stirrups, gel, tears, hands holding mine.
There is no heartbeat.
There is a tiny sac, a tiny embryo- and I am told this is a miscarriage. Pretty sure.
Sobbing, sobbing tears. I tell them I am used to bad news. Then I tell them that I cannot do this again.
Cantdothisagain.
A room - I hold onto Mary- she is strong and big enough to lean on. She is kind to me. Let's me sob and rant and fall onto her.
Can not get hold of LM.
Text a few people - cannot remember why.
I am told that I can go down today to see the gynae people but I am not sure why I would do this. Surely if it is a miscarriage I would bleed at some stage? I do not want to go down to the basement on my own.
I text my mum to come to London.
I text my daughter to take my boys out for breakfast.
I text work that I will be off next week- our most important week of the year.
I decide after a while to go down- that yes in fact - let's get more information.
I make jokes on the way- I am after all, Busier Bee.
Down in the place where babies are not, very much not made, I am left in a room on own for maybe 30 minutes.
Next another doctor - she scans me again and explains that even though they cannot see the heartbeat,there are not enough firm signs that the pregnancy is not viable. She informs me that otherwise if there is an error, it would be a termination. The irony, really, the sodding sodding irony. I do not want or ask for a termination. Surely now I qualify as one of the ones that DO NOT GET FLAMED. It is a missed miscarriage. Whatever the hell that is.
Even if they do find a heartbeat next week, which they are not expecting, it will be a weak one they think. The baby is not going to make it.
On my pink sheet of paper - there are boxes to tick. My box is called ' Watchful Waiting'.
Those two words; they sound so gentle, lyrical almost. It might be what a birdwatcher does when awaiting a rare species; or maybe a gardener waiting for a once in a decade bloom to flourish. Or my children waiting for the appearance of Father Christmas. Watchful Waiting does not sound like a woman waiting to find out if her baby has died to me.
So I watch. For blood mostly.
And I wait. Also for blood.
How do I feel? Detached but bruised. Tearful and very, very tired out. I knew I would be the one. Somehow, the luck of the thread has escaped me. Maybe because I started the thread? God or science or my age have decided that a baby is not being delivered to us.
The sadness is so real, but I must acknowledge that the trauma and agony of 'women who have chosen to terminate' is so much more acute. I know it is not over yet and maybe I will find this next week agony too - but what Numpty said - I think it was you - there is some relief. Some small relief that the baby has released itself from the path of life and I have not chosen to.
I still feel guilt - nonetheless - as did not take the mega dose folic acid and have been fantasising about there being no heartbeat as it seemed an easier option than choosing to end a pregnancy.
Mostly am defeated. I put up my hands and say - okay I have given so much of my energy, of myself, of my heart and soul to making a baby with him and can not take anymore sorrow or pain.
It is so sad girls and am so sorry to share this with you- there has been much good news here recently- and that is good.
A sad day.
One of many.
Thank you for being here
Bee xxx

Oh Bee.

Heavy heart and hot tears.

I just wish I could have been there, on a bench outside the hospital. Just incase.

Bee,

Haven't posted for a while but been lurking in the background.

Needed to post after your message. I am so dreadfully sorry about your news. How one person can have some many horrid things happen to them is too hard to bear. Take comfort in your LM and know I'm thinking of you lots. Much love and peace xxx

Oh Bee. It isn't fair. It really isn't fair. You have been so brave and put up with so much. I wish I could have been with you too. Not fair to go through it on your own. NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR. What has happened to you isn't fair.

I suppose there is the germ of possibility that the pregnancy could still be viable. But it is so faint - is this similar to what happened to you, Lucky? I am trying to remember.

You should never be flamed for anything you have done. You have made every decision for your family.

I admire your strength, Bee, and your ability to articulate your pain.

I wish I were nearer and could do something.

Good morning all and especially to Bee.

Bee, I just wanted to re-iterate what Can't has just said.

You're the glue that holds this thread together and were the one that had the strength to start it, and found a home for all of us. Gave me the strength to not wallow in a pit of sorrow, and the motivation to carry on.

When I found out about your pregnancy, I was SO happy, happier than I've ever been for any of my friends. And for this to now happen after everything that you've been through, just isn't right.

Every time I thought about you alone at the clinic, being given that shocking news, made me burst into tears. Nobody should have to go through that. I wanted to jump onto a train and come give you a very tight hug, and share some of your pain with you. But I know you have a close family and that they'd give you all the support you needed. They must be very special people, if after everything you've been through, you're still able to help us.

Thinking of you constantly Bee, I just wish I could do something to help you. Please email, phone, text, whatever, if you want to sob. You don't need to talk.

Love always

BK xxx

Busier
I too have been lurking lately but I just wanted to say how utterly, utterly unfair this is. No one deserves this, least of all you. I am so very sorry - there really are no adequate words. Kate x