support thread for women who have chosen to terminate III

[Cantdothisagain]

This thread is for any woman who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy for whatever reason. It follows on from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_tests_choices/770313-support-thread-for-women-who-have-chosen-to-term inate-II

everyone is welcome, old friends and new.

Hi to everyone from the old thread and hope you find me!

Great news for Lins, and Shangrila, and Mishta. This thread is so lucky. And big bumps is a good sign!

I'm glad your father is on the mend, GO. What a stressful time. It must be so hard to juggle a lot at once like that.

Tree... your photos are fab. Wow. You're gorgeous! I like the idea of a skirt and top, actually, for the christening. Easier to fit and flatter than a dress for most people.

Brightongirl, the wedding is bound to be bound up in the loss for you. But I think it wouldnt be,when it finally happened-the happy feelings would prevail. Having said that,don't feel pressure - do what feels right, don't rush into things,if you don't feel up to it.

Got to go - the space bar is stuck on this laptop and I am struggling to type. Grr. BackwhenIhave a working computeragain...

Mishta, these are Percy Pigs. They are the best sweet in the world!

Tree, I have now officially been nosy and those pics are divine. I loved your hair. Sigh, I wish I could get married all over again. If I can manage it I will try and get a couple of pics of my wedding.

Brightongirl, I completely understand your feelings about the wedding. It is hard to enjoy something when you are feeling sad. I completely agree with Can'tdo, don't push yourself into anything. Sometimes I think the more you try and make yourself do something the harder the task becomes, if that makes any sense.

For me getting married is what put me in therapy and I found it incredibly stressful. Don't get me wrong I am happily married but it made me look at a lot of things in a way I had never ever thought about.

Growingout, really glad to hear your daddy is getting better.

Lins, how's the sickness?

Off to talk to dh who is whittering away in the background like a small child. I think he is needing some attention.

lw
x

Phew, life gets so busy. Instructed estate agent today to sell house, so he's coming round to take photo's tomorrow...been trying to declutter and look at house with fresh eyes.

Sickness better in the middle of the day, and worst from about 4 pm onwards. So getting there Lucky.

Brighton Girl, it's not surprising you can't summon much excitement for your wedding. The whole idea of it is now inextricably (sp?) linked to your loss. So in a way it will always be a little bittersweet however happy you are for most of the day. I think its true and important, as someone else wrote, to think about what the whole thing means: as humans we get so caught up with the actual day, but it's your relationship and the lives you are going to lead together afterwards that count.
So maybe think of it in your head less as 'wedding day' which has such strong connatations and more as 'celebration of your love'. It can be a party to start a lovely new part of your life, without losing memories of what might have been.

I found talking to a counsellor helpful when I was grieving for Amy - it didn't help with my grief outright, but it did help me to learn a bit about myself and why I think how I do. (scary!! ) So maybe speaking to someone impartial might help clear or organise some thoughts?

Mishta, I do so love the thought of you here when we are all asleep (or up with wakeful toddlers!). Sounds like your body has settled itself down now, so hopefully no more scares.

Bee my love, you ok? I expect you are curled up somewhere out of dusts way, escaping from your builders mess! How long do you think they will take to do it all?

Growingout, glad your dad is over this last bad patch. Poor guy, he's really been through it. Love to you.

Hello and good night to everyone else. xxxx

I'm feeling very emotional tonight, pictures of special people and places and events [I got looking at all the pics I have on photobox and it realy brought so many amazing memories back], posts from you amazing amazing people. I love you all

I'll be back when coherent.

...it's oh so quiet...de dum de dum...

GO, that's lovely to hear from a Curate.
Glad to hear you Dad is pulling through the pneumonia. Does he live near you? Or are you travelling to visit?

Can't, Lucky, you're right. I can't rush. Rushing makes me feel panicky. Not nice.

Lins, that's a good way to think about it. The words 'wedding day' conjures up too much and too much that has gone wrong. But, an intimate, celebration of our love - we've already been together donkeys years - is exactly what we're after.

My current thought is to put off until end of October. I'm hoping families will concur.

Tree, it's always nice to wander down memory lane through photos. I've been looking through the hundreds I have on computer here. Might just post a couple to my profile sometime soon.

Here is the dress I've been pondering about: (N.B. they are all bridesmaids dresses, but I think can double as the bride's for a low key wedding)
vera wang dresses The page defaults to 1/6, but if you scroll through to page 4/6, it's the purple one on the right, although the one the left is lovely too.

Hope the lull in conversation means that everyone is having an ok day today. Big hugs to everyone.

Hi sweetie
Hello BB, Busier here.
Gosh what a resourceful girl you are! To have found such very stunning frocks for a fraction of the price of an actual wedding gown.
I agree with the others - anniversaries and dates are all so important at the moment. And somehow your day was clouded for you. Utterly understandable that you do not want to think back to that.
I feel in a very private spot with my LM- am not married either. And at the moment feel could not cope with a big ceremony even if he asked me (fat chance).
The feelings of loving him and committing to him and having a child with him are all wrapped together and so announcing your love will also touch on your loss.
But you sound like you do love him very much; and you and he will know when the time is right. It may provide much needed distraction too BB.
Dare I ask when the baby would have been due? It must be sometime around October or Noevember is it?
All hard, hard, hard. It will ease BB.
Off to pack for silly trip
Beeeee xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Not too bad eh? A lot of those dresses are 290 pounds or 310 pounds. So, while still more expensive than any dress I've ever worn, not as much as many wedding dresses...and could be worn again. Perfect. Now, just to tone up a bit to get into one. Eek!

Would you like to be married to your LM, Busy? I used to feel quite strongly about marriage...back in the day. But, now, having gone through this with him, plus a good few years prior to this, it doesn't have the same resonance for me. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping, that we can coordinate getting married on our actual anniversary (Halloween), then it really could be more of an expression of our continued love and not quite the start of anything. (Having put a good 12 years in, I don't want to start the ticker again at 0!) I'd like to take out the "from this day forward" bit and add in "will you just carry on as you are"..."I will" :-)

My due date was 21st Nov. I have a feeling, Busy, that Halloween is a sad date for you, if I remember rightly? I'll be thinking of you then. Like Lins said, it's a day that might always be a little bittersweet and I don't want to forget any of this, or any of you.

Where on earth is your silly trip to? Have I missed something?

xxx

Brightongirl, dress is absolutely beautiful.

And I know exactly about rushing into things and panicky feelings. I had severe anxiety about getting married. And I just put my head down and got on with it. And I regret that hugely. To the point where I would like to ask dh to marry me again and have our ouwn quiet ceremony.

So do what feels right. It doesn't mean you love your dp any less. I love the anniversary idea, and I get the feeling that that day feels 'right' to you.

Busier, was in your corner of London today, just by Hackney/Islington borders. I gave you a little wave!

BrightonGirl - when we got married, we got 'married', rather than thinking of it as a wedding. I think your idea of having it on your anniversary is great, and having 'will you just carry on as you are' in your vows is a lovely reflection of how stable and happy you already are in your relationship.

If you don't think of it as a 'wedding day' it should help; the only thing that NEEDS to happen is that a bit of paper gets signed, the rest is up to you. We avoided most of it as I'm not a big fan of ceremonies, and wanted to keep things as relaxed as possible. I wanted a church wedding as I go to church, but in Scotland they are very open to the wording/order of service being whatever you want (within reason!). The whole day revolved around the church, as they have a nice hall, so we just stayed there for a buffet meal. Our most expensive 'treat' was a string quartet which played while we ate. And various friends made various parts of the cake. So I'd suggest some nice 'treats', nothing too fancy that requires lots of planning, and keep it simple as that will help you breathe and enjoy it more. Also although it's lovely to have lots of people there, unless they hang about for more than one day you may not get to spend time with many of them...

Re my dress, it was a bit of a joke that it only cost £99 and DH's suit cost nearer £500! He had to have one tailored as he's too tall and thin for standard suits . I think your dress looks lovely, and I do think it's nice to be able to wear it again and remember why it was you have it.

That dress is gorgeous! beautiful but also a bit quirky - so it isn't just a samey sort of dress; it has some personality. I love it. What kind of shoes would you get, have you thought?
And having the wedding on your anniversary is a lovely idea. It makes the day more special somehow because it is rooted in the past as well as the future.

Bee, good luck with the trip (she's going to Hong Kong, I recall). Hope you get some rest while you're there!

Hi everyone else...

I've been back to the beach, and it's been lovely - sunny and we had a picnic and paddled. Those of you feeling low, please please go and find the sea and paddle - it could be bottled as a cure, I think.

Still tired, though... when will I stop being? oh yes, when her Ladyship learns to sleep...

Brighton girl,
wow, what a lovely dress!! I'm sure you will look stunning. Do it all in your on time...anniversary dates are good. My Dh and I have, inscribed inside our wedding rings, "3848 and forever" - the number of days we'd been together before we got married. Like you, it was...er...quite a long time! So seeing the celebration as a continuation is great. I daren't work out how many days it is now, we've just had our 7 year wedding anniversary.

Bee, hope you have an ok time in Hong kong, and get back to a lovely shiny new kitchen?! Safe journey.

xx

Eulalia, don't know if you will be reading this tonight or tomorrow but wanted to say I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and hope the day passes peacefully. It's always hard to think of what could have been, so sending you love. xxxxx

Bee, I completely forgot about Hong Kong. When do you leave?

Also, just re-read my previous post and wanted to clarify that I meant to say the wedding day would be slightly bittersweet for me - not that date (Halloween) date for you, Bee. I don't think I worded it very well.

I feel so much happier today. We're doing the right thing in postponing until then. So, it just gives us more distance away from May.

Thanks for the comments on the dress. I'm going to have to try it on again. It's the sort of dress you need a toned tummy for-another reason to postpone. Sit-ups start tomorrow!

...being rushed out the door...night all. xxx

Everybody, on a separate note, some of you may know of or have heard of 'Sands' (the charity for stillbirth and neonatal deaths). They have a message board that is pretty heavily used for supporting Mums/Dads who have lost babies at term or shortly after - but they are also very welcoming of ladies like me (us) who have had to terminate for whatever reason.
I heard tonight that their message board is down/will not be working for quite some while, so I wanted to say...

"HELLO" to anyone from Sands who is looking for a new home and support online. You will be most welcome to join us here. xxxxx

BB - my silly trip is for work - as I keep pointing out to anyone who says 'ooh have a lovely time'.
I AM GOING TO WORK!!!!
But in truth will be good to be away and distracted although will miss the children - especially as have just got back.

Eulalia - thinking of you for tomorrow and hoping you get through it with your family.

Tree - love am at parents and can not email - how is our Hatts? (x)

Brightongirl, just go and buy a pair of spanx. They are amazing!

Busier, have a fab trip. Hope you get a chance to do something other than work.

Eulalia, lots of thoughts for you tomorrow. I hope you get through the day without too much sadness.

Lins, I love what you have inscribed on your rings. Really lovely.

Dh and I have been together since school so another long time before getting married here. It seems we have lots of lovely men on tied into this thread.

I am off on a hen weekend tomorrow. I am tempted to tell my friend, whose hen it is, the misery of the past weeks, but I don't want to put a downer on her weekend. Perhaps I'll just sink a lot of wine and think of it in a therapeutic way.

So here's a premature 'have a lovely weekend'. Am off to Brighton so will def partake in a bit of sea therapy too Can'tdo. Might even put a little message in a bottle to my little baby.

Sleep tight
lw
x

Thinking of you today Eulalia. May it pass peacefully.

Lovely Eulalia

Thinking of you and all your family.

Take good care x

Thank you so much you lovely ladies, I've just done a very quick skim over. I am actually going to save reading properly for later when I have more time to have a good cry. I honestly don't have time for it today. Got family visitors coming at teatime, dh in the middle of concreting a wall, my twin's birthday presents to wrap, order a few things for kids going back to school, finish tidying spare room and make bed, think about food (relative has an allergy) and so on.

I thought a lot about it yesterday evening but woke this morning and forgot then remembered and realised I'd forgotten and felt relief. It helped me to wake up and start the day, feel OK now and strong. Actually looking forward to my birthday tomorrow (always make more of a fuss than intended, hard not to with someone else to share it with). All week its looked like the weather will be bad but now the forecast is for sun and I want to go to the beach with the kids, twin and her partner and a hamper full of goodies and wine!

I shall come back later and sorry I have to make this so general but thank you SO much, you are such wonderful, kind, generous, attentive souls. Have a good day. Much love E xxx

Eulalia, thinking of you. Hope the day passes in peace for you.

Eulalia, sounds like a good plan for the day that will keep you busy. Glad you woke up feeling strong. If you need us, at any point, we are here for you.

Very Happy birthday for tomorrow.

Oh Eulalia, you are doing really well. It's good you have distraction and the beach is always a winner. Hope your family gives you lots of comfort today, and Happy Birthday for tomorrow, as BB said!

Thinking of you Eulalia xxx

Hope today passed with spots of sunshine..for you eulalia.
Goodbye friends - am off in half an hour and in a right old lather. Leaving the kids, house in mayhem, and a new found fear of flying.
Will log on when there- may even be in your time frame Mishta.

Hugs to all and double for Eulalia
Bee