support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Numpty, oh sweetheart, they are so beautiful aren't they. Iola is a lovely lovely name. Glad the placenta finally came out before intervention.
I'll bet you have all sorts of emotions in the next few days, as your hormones fly around. Was thinking of you.
Hope you can get plenty of rest and tlc to begin this next part of life's journey. xxxxxxx

I am touched to read of Iola's birth, Numptymum; it sounds as if you and DH got to spend some precious moments with her.
It is a truly beautiful name you have given her.
I am sending you a gentle hug and hoping the next few days are manageable.
With love
Bee
xxx

Harriet manic so can't stop to talk - but welcome home Numpty and thank you sharing Iola's birthing with us.

I'll be back after food and when Hatts happier. x

DH has taken Hatts downstairs....peace...

I'm so so glad that placenta came out for you Numpty, that would have been awful. You got the wonderful time with Iola. Did you take pics or was that not the vibe for you? I hope dh is ok. I hope getting home was as ok as it can be. Do talk about her deliver and the experience as often as it helps. Same goes for all of you of course, whatever the experience was.

Brighton - hello there. Hoping you are ok, and a happy to lurk lurker, rather than a struggling and can't write lurker. Do feel free to stutter and loose the words is you want to chat. Or lurk away. WHatever works for you works for the thread.

SHangrila - nice to have you about.

Lins - hope ok?

Bb - love ya. Will email asap. H-bomb allowing.

Hello All, glad to see you're back Numpty, and so sorry that you feel the way you do Lins, I really don't know what to say, other than I don't think you're being out of the ordinary, I suspect any woman in your situation would react in the same way.

Sorry I've not been typing much, I'm in a bit of a weird place, feel I can't let go of the thread just yet, but don't feel I can write as I'm not suffering like I was, and certainly not suffering like our newcomers. Not sure where I belong really. I worry about it actually, as I've made such good friends here, that I don't want to let you all go!

Love you all, wish I could have you all around for a cheeky cocktail.

BK xxxx

Bezzy, you don't have to go just because you're not 'suffering'! Recovery and getting on with RL takes time and this is your thread too and you don't need to leave. I too feel like you are all my friends, hence being able to write so honestly about feeling down at the moment.
Just hang around and read, and only comment when you feel like it. (we often go completely off topic anyway, so write what you want!)
Cheeky cocktails all round in the cottage tonight, can mine be cranberry and pomegranate with a dash of lime?

Can I request a huge vodka and tonic? I have had a really angry day where I want to throw eggs at the walls or break a few plates.

We live opposite a park and one of my bestest friends has been taking her children to football camp there. Yesterday she decided it was more convenient for her to come and use our toilets and ended up asking my dh to cook dinner for her two, shall we say rather demanding brats children.

Today she offered to take ds to play cricket with her ds but then got my mum to babysit her ds while she took her dd to football. Aaaaaaaarggggggghhhh. I am so angry at her. I know in the grand scheme of things I should not get het up about this. There are more important things, like my little baby no longer being here but I think I am having hormonal overload as I really want to line up that half dozen free rangers that are sat in my fridge.

I think Busierbee I am the same as you and have been seeing a therapist for about 7 years and she called this morning to offer me an extra session this week. I am touched by her thinking of me 'outside of the session'. I always imagine once you walk out the door they have this off switch where they stop thinking about you. Thank god I have that space to just be unreasonable and angry and tearful and to be honest completely pissed off.

Ok now I feel the need to apologise for my rant. I feel somewhat I have barged onto this thread shouting tonight so I am sorry for my outburst.

My day has been nothing like yours Numpty and I feel very insensitive and silly for moaning about something so trivial. I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.

And Bezzy, from what I have read of this thread and from what I have experienced, I am not sure it matters whether your pain has lessened in terms of staying on this thread. I think this thread has an amazing bond between posters and all of your experiences and the support you have given one another is unique. It would be sad to lose what seems to me, a relative newcomer, an integral part of it.

It's all good! Let it out! Real life coexists with the heartbreaking life changing moments.

bezzy - I think we all insist on you staying and just riding the wave with us I have never even experienced a baby loss, and I get to stalk the thread hang out here.

It's all good! Let it out! Real life coexists with the heartbreaking life changing moments.

bezzy - I think we all insist on you staying and just riding the wave with us I have never even experienced a baby loss, and I get to stalk the thread hang out here.

Whoah my post reads really flippant

Brain has melted this eve. Many apologies if I sound disrespectful. I'm not, I'm just a bit dribbling this eve.

Can feel a longish one coming on as feel compelled to write to you Lucky and to Bezzy but on two different topics.
Lucky - somewhere on this thread or perhaps the one before, I lose track of virtual time, there is an incident where I became apoplectic with rage with a friend. And believe me I am not a natural angry sort. She had uninvited me for lunch and I just could not cope with the disappoinment - I really could not. I was furious. I was furious too when I had my second T21 diagnosis - furious in a scary and unmanageable way. I have literally beaten my fists against LM's chest with anger. I am not a friend of anger and find it hard to comprehend often. But there you have it. If your friend knew about your recent loss, then frankly she is a numpty. If she did not then she is possibly more of a taker than a giver - there are people like this.You are obviously prone to reflection and this is good - I am very impressed with your therapist's care for you - it is mighty unusual for them to proffer such unasked for support. She obviously cares. I think they do. In the way that I have cared for children i have taught. You do sometimes 'take it home with you'.

Bezzy - here is a confession - and I by no means wish to offend anyone - it is just my truth. There have been times when I have felt disconnected from the thread. I think different women at different times build a bond, a connection and it is intimate and we become friends. You, me, Lins. GO, Tree - we have been here a long time. Here is my confession then - there are times when new women have arrived and a few days have maybe passed when there has been much pain and sharing of support and maybe I have not been involved. I have felt all confused and not part of the mood. The mood shifts, the atmosphere is sometimes recipe swapping, and humorous tales of trying to conceive and tales of the toddlers etc. And then another wave of new recruits arrive; fresh from the war zone. I guess what I am trying to say is - I have felt that maybe it was not right for me to be here, that my pain is less acute, that i am not needed anymore. But then there are new friends - Cantdo for example. And Numpty and Lucky will be the same.
I love Cantdo's voice, I have a sense of her. And so do you, I think. And Brighton Baby too. And when our new recruits arrive I think it throws me for a while. Not for long. But it takes a while to feel their voice and sometimes their experience means they form a connection more with one of our sisterhood than with us.
And this will be the way with whoever stays with us. I even confessed this to Tree once by email - that I felt the mood had shifted and that maybe it was not my home anymore.
But it is.
Bezzy - I would be so very sad not to hear your voice anymore darling. You are my same dates mate. And your tales of your sister, your lovely wee girl, your trying to convince Captain Condom to let you try, it is all wonderful. And it will help Numpty and Lucky and anyone new here to recover; to share our warmth and community.
It is a fascinating and valuable place to be. Strange and new for most of us I am sure. As we have all often noted, no-one would choose to suffer the losses that we have in order to be here. But since we have, well then thank goodness for it.
In any case, you may feel none of this at all and think I am banging on pointlessly.
I just wanted to share the thought as we may all have it at some stage; the confusion about where our home is.
Do you remember my very first thread and what I posted? Well, I do. I needed a friend. I have lots here and hope to meet and get to know more.
Don't go Bezzy.

Just calling in to say good night. Tree, I didn't think you sounded flippant. It's so wonderful to have you here and you've always sounded very wise and kind to me, whether you've had to experience this loss or not. That's what is nice about this thread, that we can pop in an out, chat, rant, pop out, lurk, stay, whatever. My lurking is good lurking. I need to read and remember those feelings, but I'm feeling much better and less vulnerable in RL, to babies and bumps in the street.

NumptyMum, I'm so glad it went smoothly for you. I know you will treasure the precious memory of Iola forever.

I too, was 15 weeks, but I had the operation, so I never saw my little girl. I'm wondering now what she was like. At the time, I was in a blur and didn't think through all of the options. That was before this thread, so I wonder had I read other people's experiences, if I'd have done anything differently. Thank you, NumptyMum, for sharing your experience.

Lots of love to everyone. London calls tomorrow...shopping for a new wedding dress. Finally turning the corner...

Night xx

Blimey Bezzy - what an outpouring your suggestion has provoked really!

And to dearest Numpty - my thoughts are with you and with your Iona. You have managed an unimaginable thing with love and dignity.

And to Lucky - I suggest a bottle bank. I went to one recently (very rare now that we have door to door collection) and I threw those bottles in with such gusto. And I remember Lins purposefully dropping a vase after she found out about one one her baby girls. At the back of the cottage we will have our very own bottle bank for moments of uncontainable fury.
Form an orderly queue ladies.
Night
Bee

Brighton Girl
If you are at a loose end tomorrow in old London town could always schlepp up for a cup of tea.
I totally know what you mean about not exploring the options about how to deliver a baby - and the chance to see and love the lost one. I had two surgical procedures.
I do not think there is a wrong and right but suspect maybe is more... natural.. I don't know.
Have such a vision of Numpty and her Iona and it is a strong and lovely one. Not the same if one has a surgical procedure.
xxxx

Ah, Bee, I just read your post. Cross-posted. I've only been here a short time, but you've iterated how I've felt too. So, it must be that we all have at one time or another felt this way about the thread. Sometimes disconnected, sometimes too involved, or not involved enough to be able to find the right words. You always seem to find the words though, somehow. I'm so grateful for the advice and kindness on here...and your uncanny way, Bee, of getting to the nub of these emotions, sometimes explaining how I'm feeling so accurately, even when you're not trying to explain for me in particular, if you know what I mean. That's why I feel such a kinship here. In RL, with the best of intentions, no friends or family have quite managed to say the right thing at the right time. I don't blame them, but that's why I need to read and post here. It fills that gap.

Bezzy, please stay. I love having you here.

I was wondering how Katerina (Kate) is doing and Pelvicflawed. It's been a while since they posted, I think, unless I've missed pages. Are you out there? Are you ok?

Ooh, crossposting...again. Bee, I'll be over in Westfield tomorrow with a friend who doesn't know what happened to me, so probably best to have a cuppa another time. I would absolutely love to though. I'll be coming up in the next week or two, so maybe, just maybe?? Let me know how we can contact each other - is it the CAT thing? I don't know how it works.

Hi BB
Crossing posts again and again!
Westfield is the other side of London to me although in fact am going that way for dinner at a friend's tomorrow.
But does not sound perfect if you with a friend who is in the dark.
Yes - the CAT thing (God! What is the CAT thing - if only we knew) is the way to contact one another.
I am glad my words helped to explain a bit how you feel - it is reassuring to me too - as was worried that maybe it was only me.
I think it is probably a normal part of virtual life- golly maybe in the future this is how we will all function.
And thank you for the book recommendation - i watched the film in fact the other week and rather liked it in a Monday night in front of the telly way.Think may get that one - have read The Book Thief too.
Must must must go - have been typing for an hour now.
What an obsessive nutcase.
Sleep well and happy frock shopping - what fun.
Nightie night
Beee

Firstly, Lucky, don't feel bad! Completely normal to feel so angry, if your friend knows what you've been through, her behaviour isn't acceptable, if she doesn't know, well, she's just plain old taking advantage of you. But we all stay friends with people that we know aren't good for us.

I have a friend who was pregnant when I went through our loss, she knew the entire story, but used to moan at me about being pregnant. I too wanted to throw things at her. Luckily she's in a different city so I wasn't able to do anything that I'd later regret. It just seems that these people are put on earth to try us!

Secondly, thank you so much for the lovely messages, I had an early night last night, so only saw them this morning, had a little cry while I read them. I do feel bad though, as feel that I manipulated the thread last night and directed the focus towards me, when there's people that need more support. What I was trying to say, was that I feel that I'm not sure I can contribute anymore, as I don't really feel that raw pain, which is when I find myself going off on a tangent on topics like Molton Brown and fluffy towels! Which don't help our newcomers!

Was thinking of registering to CAT so that maybe could chat via email when either wanting a personal rant, chat about something COMPLETELY irrelevant or possibly even organising a meet up?!?!?!

Anybody else interested?

BK xxx

Bezzy, what we are all trying to say (I think) is that it's good that you don't feel that raw pain now, but that doesn't discount you from being here. And there is room for everyone to get all the support they need, so you weren't manipulating the thread.
I think we need to know about important things like fluffy towels - and maybe a bit of normality on here helps dilute the pain?
Only go if you feel that being here and reading is keeping stuff too fresh in your mind, that you would like to move on and that it's not helpful to you to stay. xxxxxxx

p.s I'm in kent, so not a million miles from you....maybe see you in London with Bee sometime?

Lucky, go smash something, it's very therapeutic! Although, as it's a new day now you've probably got over it. But feelings of anger are quite likely to surface every now and then, it's all part of having to live a different life to one imagined.
I think you're friend was taking you for granted a bit, growl!

I've taken dd to play at cousins house (and am paying their 'holiday nanny' a bit extra to look after her) so I have a bit of space this morning to be sick do some useful stuff.
Better get on with it...
xxx

That was supposed to say be sick

Hi everyone

Numpty, thinking of you and thank you for the story of your daughter's birth. She sounds tiny and perfect. May she rest in peace.

This thread has got quite philosophical (I went to bed at 7.30 pm with sore throat and aches - missed all the excitement). Bezzy - please don't go; I miss you when you aren't here. I think even in the midst of the storm, to borrow Bee's phrase, we all need lightening up. And I don't think anyone would find comfort in a thread that just reiterated misery. Basically what works for me here is that we lighten each other up rather than pull each other down, at our different stages of recovery. If you do go, don't go because you feel too trivial - go if the thread weighs you down. But hopefully it doesn't-if it does, we probably all need to try to lift it a bit. We're friends here, I think, we want a bit of everything.

In that spirit - DD's kitchen is giving us much entertainment. It is the one you mentioned, Shangrila. The hob sizzles when you put the pan on it. We have been having lots of virtual chips in the deep fryer and virtual cups of tea. She calls it 'cookor' rather than kitchen, which is very cute.

Oh, I can CAT now! I have CATed a couple of people. I don't see myself making London meetups very easily but I can CAT and email.

Daftbat, Eulalia, are you both away?

Bezzy - you were not manipulating the thread - you doughnut. You were saying how you feel. Which is what we are here for.
I totally agree with Cantdo - we need lifting, lightening; all of us do. The newly distraught and the distraught from the past.
I would miss you all if you went - in fact it makes me feel teary to think you would go and somehow this bit of my life would be over.
The conversations about towels, Molton Brown, ELC kitchens, books, people who have upset us (so many of those!) etc - they make this thread enjoyable. And god knows we need some of that.
Please get Catting. Lins and I are in the London area. Cantdo - it may be a bit far for you. Or we could have a day trip to Yorkshire to meet our spiritual leaders?

So - there you go Bezzy. You are staying and that is an order Missy.
Morning to all by the way.
Bee x
ps - sorry for the long, self absorbed rant late at night!