support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

oh luckywinner, I'm so sorry to hear your news. Thinking of you .

so sorry to hear Lucky, what horrible news to receive. Hoping that things go as smoothly as possible over the next few days.

so much sadness here lately

BK xx

Luckywinner, you poor darling and I am so so sorry about your wee baby.
I hope that things go very smoothly tomorrow and the staff are kind and gentle.
In the coming days I hope you get lots of love and hugs and time to recover. Be gentle on yourself, lots of sleep and warmth.
Hope it doesn't sound trite to say 'wishing you all the best in the future'.
xxxxxxxxxx

Numpty, thought too that you should ask about pain relief. It's good to have gas/air to hand should you need it, and obviously you can take any pain relief drugs you like. I found that steering clear of morphine type stuff helped me have a clear head afterwards to spend time with my baby, and be 'in the moment' rather than all fuzzy. But you take what you need!

I don't know whether you have made a decision about whether to see her afterwards. I can only say I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

You might like to ask the hospital tomorrow to give you an idea of what a baby at that stage looks like, as it is quite a shock to start with. But after a while when you get used to them, they just look like your baby, and so beautiful. I can tell you more over the weekend if you'd like (I'd talk about my Amy and Daisy anytime!).

have to go and collapse in bed now. Hope you are ok. xxx

Dear all, thank you so much for all your lovely celebratory messages.
Here today it's busisness pregnancy as usual, which in my case is feeling sick 24/7, throwing up, crying at poor Dh, and needing to go to bed at half eight. urghhhhh.
But at least I have a pregnancy to make me ill and I know I'm lucky.

Big hello's to Tree, Ilovemy, Growingout, Bezzy, brightonbaby, Daftbat, Eulalia and Beeeeeeee, and anyone I have missed due to being too tired. xxxxx

linspins, thank you for the list of suggested questions. I'll be going to the hospital on Sat at 2pm for the Mifepristone so will ask the midwife about these various issues then. I know that DH will be able to stay with me throughout, they were v good last time when I was in labour - though midwife changed due to shifts, so I guess it depends how long it all takes. I've arranged childcare for Mon eve/night and have friends on standby over the weekend and on Tues eve if required, depending on how things go. It would be really nice to stay the night, and spend time with DD if we can... Tomorrow I'll make sure I know where I'm to go on Saturday and Monday.

Numpty and Lucky, ditto what growingout said. You will have your babies in your heart forever, and they both know you love the SO much.
Stay on here with us for as long as you need.
xxxx

Numpty, (one last thing before bed!)
I don't know where you stand on this stuff but both times we asked for the hospital chaplain to come and bless our babies. We got a blessing certificate - which is the only official piece of paper with their names on....very precious. I am not usually someone who would call on the church, but I just felt it was a good thing to do and comforting. So that might be something to ask to if you wanted it...
Night night.xxx

Just seen your other post lins, think I will avoid morphine as I'm the sort of person who gets sick when drunk so I'm v wary of taking anything that can't quickly wear off. So gas and air for me.

I think I will want to see her. I've seen pics of another baby (albeit of 22wks) in the SOFT UK booklet, so have an idea of how different she will look to a full-term baby. The hospital said I could ask the midwife to give me guidance on whether she thinks I should see DD. As far as I know it's just the cleft lip and palate which are obvious, which I think I can cope with... but if there's anything else I might be less sure (holoprosencephaly affects eyes/nose too). But she's my DD, so perhaps I'd see her and love her and be OK with it. And I think I'd feel sad not to hold her, if I were to reject her after all I'd done that day. I think I'd need to hold her, even if her soul is already with God.

I have already been in touch with the chaplain, it was one of the difficult calls of yesterday. It's so hard to talk about these things when knowing that DD is in all likelihood still here, still living and growing. But the chaplain was really really nice - a woman, which I think helps though it shouldn't really make a difference. And she knows I'm in on Monday and can come and pray with us before, and come and bless DD after. And yes, I'll ask for the blessing certificate as I really need some 'formal' recognition that DD was here, part of our lives. My own minister is also around if I need him to be - we're probably meeting tomorrow afternoon to talk.

I am so, so glad that things are working out better for you this time lins, it's such a sad store of information that has been built up by people on this thread, although very helpful to me in my situation just now... but it's just sad to remember all those terrible decisions and lost angels - and in amongst it all the indignities and brutishness of practical procedures...

Luckywinner - I'm sorry.
Don't feel like you should go, though go with a warm wave from all of us if it feels right. You are very welcome to stay, and post whenever you want to chat or have a hand held. You have a clinical event coming up and may want some support through that, and this thread can help. There are other threads out in there too, that would welcome you for some hand holds. Again, I'm sorry. I see what you mean about not needing to make a decision, and I'm glad you are finding some comfort and positivity at this time.

Numpty - I have nothing to add to Linspins amazing advice. I have only tried to help people through this, Lins has so much more to offer you. I echo her advice, and am really glad to hear you have been to SOFT and seen some pictures. I so nearly told you about SOFT last night but I didn't want to push you somewhere you were not ready to go. Its so important you are given space isn't it?
You seem so calm. I hope tomorrow is a usefull oppurtunity to get some information.
You are very enlightened to be able to meet this the head on way you are - to want to say good bye on scan, to want to hold her and see here no matter how she looks. Your open heart will all help to give your soul peace I feel.

I can imagine why hearing other women labour would not be as awful as the health proffs who want to fix and protect, and those with no insight think it would be. It is part of aknowledgement of your child isn't it? You are having your baby. She is real.

I hope everyone else is ok, we are revisitng old times a little numpty. I am reminded of Lins and Busier and the founding of this thread.

Excuse my drivelling on.

Hi tree - it was actually SOFT that gave me the best piece of advice at the time I needed it; I was put in touch with Rachel through ARC, though she is also a SOFT UK volunteer. Her situation was very similar to mine - she already had a small boy when her baby was diagnosed with patau's. She has since spoken to many parents in her role and said that though many people regretted making a decision/taking action too quickly, no-one had ever said they took too long. I'm so glad she said that, as we had set initial date for this last Monday and I did feel rushed. Even though I thought we would make the same decision, I just wanted to wait until the full CVS results were in, to make sure I had tried to find all the information and see whether there was hope to be had. I think that is why I feel fairly calm just now, although I was still knocked the other night when I went onto the Living with Trisomy 13 website. But in all likelihood DD would not have a good life, if she lived. I think that's another reason for having the scan tomorrow, again just to see if they can know any more about her heart (which had possible defects but was too small to see last time). I almost need to lose all hope in order to feel that Monday is right and best for DD.

Oh Numpty.

You have a strong soul and a stout brave heart. Well, if you feel you need more time after tomorrow don't hesitate to take it [I say this from the service provider side] They won't mind nor wonder nor will it affect them in any way. People do dometimes worry about all that stuff.
Do what you have to and follow your heart and soul and most importantly your nose. If Monday is the right time you will know it, if you don't then bear with it, the right time will come.
I respect that lady for being able to give that advice. It's hard to say things, one worries about challenging people's comfortable state of mind.

Sigh. I miss Busier at this time. Big waves to you Bee.

Lins - I hope you are ok too. You must have many memories bubbling up about Daisy and Amy. I nearly wrote on your thread you know, to keep in current for you. I didn't like to invade that thread though - it is your sacred space in a way. If you need a chat or anything I can try to help. x

And also reading Linspins first thread, particularly the saddest bit where she delivered her daughter and spent time with her. I was in tears, but it really helped.

We all were. My life moved in slow motion at that time.

I should go to bed I suppose. I would rather stay here and look out for you though. The computer will be on a while yet for chats x

Oh GU I know exactly what you mean. Linspins in particular is doing something very very special here at the moment. So generous and open hearted.

But I don't want to a) make Lins blush b) make her feel sicker than she already does with my gushing c) talk about her like she isn't here....so I'll shut up now :-)

I'm off to bed too now, otherwise tomorrow with the very active DS will be a blur... we'll be doing normal things, so off swimming in the morning to tire him out. Then I go to the hospital for my scan at 1pm... which I am looking forward to, even though it will be hard. I just want to see her again.

Night night,

xx

Ok, night night. I'll look out for you tomorrow pm then. Always remember you don't have to keep us informed, if you can't face it or it doesn't feel right - just come when feels good. No obligations.

Sleep well all.

Waves to all.

Numpty -- so pleased you have the support of a Chaplain, and think it does make a difference that she's a woman. Suppose the same way that it matters when one wants a female doctor. But the main thing is that you're comforted by her and the rituals that go with what will happen on Monday.

Have you thought about what happens after Monday? Is there anything your DH could do to make you more comfortable/comforted during and after?

Where to begin? I went to the hospital today and was able to get all the practical info I needed re going in on Monday for induced labour, so I now know exactly what is ahead of me and also because we're not having a postmortem, to expect the funeral within the week.

I asked about the scan and whether it could pick up any further problems with her heart, so we waited a short time until the consultant was free. As soon as she started the scan, I knew that wee babe had gone. I think I knew anyway beforehand, or at least suspected it - I've been feeling so calm about this for the last wee while, and not feeling so 'pregnant'. But it still made me cry seeing her there, so still and yet still inside me. But then I'm also relieved she made her own decision and spared us. Oddly if this had happened without the last two weeks, we would have been desolate, but knowing all we know about the likely prognosis, we feel so relieved for her and for us. Sad, but happy at the same time.

So we will be going ahead with induced labour on Monday, but with oddly light hearts I think - I hope that doesn't sound strange. I think we will be able to spend the time with her and in a strange way just feel grateful that it will be uncomplicated; we'll just be able to love her and miss her.

oh numpty, how sad, but understand why you're feeling relieved. After our diagnosis I used to pray for a similar thing to happen to us.

Thinking of you lots xx

"we'll just be able to love her and miss her."

I think I understand what you mean, numpty. I am so sorry for your loss x