support thread for women who have chosen to terminate II

[brightonbaby]

Erm, trying to create a new thread for us, ladies. Not sure if I've succeeded...

Hi all

I'm back. Loving the weather analogies!

Well, the funeral was lovely, really. Lots of people came to the church and the crem and to the wake afterwards. My grandmother would have been kicking herself to have missed it! It was very clear that she was much loved - everyone remembered her with love and affection and there was a place for humour, too.

Oddly, the cremtorium seemed different today - it is in a very beautiful setting, and the sun was shining (whereas on Wednesday it was horrible weather). And being surrounded by people made it different. It was the same with the 'wake' (HORRID WORD!) - everyone was chatting and laughing and supporting each other. And although it struck me very hard that my grandmother has gone for good - it hadn't until then - and that hurts a lot, it also became evident that we were so lucky to have her in good health and full sanity as long as we did (even in hospital recently, at 93, she was incredibly sharp and very on the ball!) and we could celebrate her life.

Very different from Stella, who never had a life, and who nobody remembers except us. With Stella it was all pain and no happy memories, because she was born stillborn. And that made me hurt for her and me, stupid as that sounds.

DD was very well behaved. DH is cross with me though because he tried to hug me in church when I was crying and I shrugged him off. The thing is I just wanted that pain on my own, I needed to go through it myself. He can't understand that. And I don't know how to explain it, really; it's just me.

Thank you all for all the virtual support; as ever, it is very much appreciated.

Busier, not like you to stay away - are you okay?

Oh Cant.

Am glad you gran had a good warm send off. Thats what we all wish for at the end of a long hapy life.

Your comparisons with Stella are heartbreaking. It is not stupid at all for you too feel the contrast. it is true - she didn't get to live life and do school and friends and so on - and it's ok for you to be sad and angry about that, on the days you need to.

Maybe if yo just tell dh that 'Love, I felt angry, prickly and sad for my baby Stella, so I couldn't even bare to be touched' he will see that it's because you have deep pain. It is not a reflection on him or your feelings towards him.

Or let him read your post - it might help him understand and see he hasn't done anything wrong nor been rejected.

We have to get through in the best way we can.

Thanks for coming to tell us how you got on. It's not easy. x

Hi Can't

So glad your grandmother got the send off you say she deserved, I think it's important that those final memories of loved ones are good.

Am in moral dilemma...house is tip and REALLY should be tidied before DH gets home...but the Murray match is also on....

BK xx

and yes BB Where are youuuuuuuuu?

Dearest Cantdo - another day of goodbyes. It sounds as if she was a special woman in your life and that is a precious thing.
The sun has shone for her. For you.
I hope your heart is feeling all it needs to feel, and that there was a fitting tribute to her.
with love
Busier Bee
xx

Dearest mummy soldiers
Have been a quiet and busy bee -and miss you all. Glad to see our little community thriving here - what a special and lovely hive it is.
I read every day - skim - and sense the mood and see you all supporting each other so well.
I seem to have a quiet spot in my head about the baby thing - so am detaching for a bit as everyday life feels less wraught in the last week or so.Bezzy, Tree and Gu you will know that a bee meltdown is never very far away - so am sure I will be ranting and frothing at the mouth here soon.
The newness with my teenager, the big boy off to secondary school soon, the demands of family life are preoccupying me and am so desperate to be present for them all. Feel have not been very present for my family in the aftermath of baby loss. Unlike many of your sproglets, they are not wee little ones who require and demand attention so it is easy to detach. But not good. They need me in a very different and important way. Am reintegrating self back into the world I had before all this loss and sorrow.
Still hurts. Still confused. Still need to be here but need to be less needy and more competent. Have demanding job ( like many of us) and hectic household too.
Bezz - I am so sure you will be blessed with a wee one to love and cannot wait to hear all about it when it happens. Bloody comdoms - bloody bogoffs.
Miss you all and wish we were all on the beach with Prosecco and blankets (cashmere dahlings).
Bez - how many bras?!
Blimey woman - are they all over shoulder boulder holders or slinky men seducers?
Beeeeeeeee

Well lovies I was writing that while you were calling me and missed all the shouting!
And missed your words about the funeral too Cantdo - what a tribute to her. Really.
And what a life to have lived and to such an age. And it is NOT RIGHT and NOT FAIR that Stella did not. The contrast is stark and agonisingly prominent sweetheart.
You are angry and I am angry for you.
DH will be fine - he will be fine.
Wait til wee girl in bed and just reach out when you are ready. There are not always need of words.
Kisses to you all

Well Murray won - but he wasn't very impressive IMO.

Thanks for your replies everyone. We've discussed it and DH just felt disempowered because he wanted to help and he felt dismissed by me. Think he understands now that we react to things differently and what he would find most comforting is not what I would...

Busier, I can imagine it's different with older children. I can also entirely understand why you would want to return to some kind of normality for them. Posting here frequently might prolong the time you spend brooding. Or it might help. You have to do what works for you. Just glad you aren't melting down, as you say, somewhere on your own. We're always here. Well I seem to be always here, anyway!

Funny thing - when the vicar said about committing the body of my grandmother to Christ, etc, DD suddenly piped up: 'Nana!' which is what she called her. It was really spooky timing, given that we hadn't told her what was going on. Bless her. They know more than we think.

Off to read in bed now, v tired and emotionally bruised. Goodnight, all.

Sleep well Cant. Well done for getting through. You'll be tired tomorrow.

We're always here. Even if the thread were to go quite for a few days I'll always keep an eye out and be back like a flash.

Big waves to BB. x

Hello All

You OK today Cantdo?

beautiful day here, it's like being on holiday!

BK x

Well you can laugh at us, it is thick fog here! It's so damp that Sports Day has been cancelled! Oh well at least it means I am not tempted to stray from packing... will catch up later.... xxx

Sorry Eulalia

I remember being seriously peed off when we lived in Edinburgh and the rest of the UK were talking about how hot it was!

You packing for hols? when, where, how long? apologies if you've already told us, am just being nosey!

Bk x

Hope you don't mind me barging in but wondered whether any of you have experience of having two Downs pregagncy's in a row. Its happened to us twice now in 10 months - in both cases we have sadly concluded that for our family it would be best not to carry on. Feel very shocked its happened again - at the moment they think both of them were random (ie not a genetic link) but they are going to refer us to genetic councelling to rule it out. I'm going to be 40 in September and starting to wonder whether its worth putting ourselves through the heartache of trying again in a month or two. Feel numb by it all especially as this time everything looked more promising (bloods/scan gave us a 1:44 compared to 1:2 last year) but CVS came back postive. Was just about to stop seeing our coucellor over last years events as we thought we had worked through it as much as we could - now feel back to square one.

Thanks for your post - we kept being told it would be so rare for it to happen twice but obviously we are one of those rare cases. I had the termination yesterday so I'm feeling very strange mentally at the moment - in someways the process has been easier as we knew what would happen to us and we already have links with a councellor etc - but in other ways I feel numb and frightened of where my emotions will go in the next weeks month and where that leaves us in the future.

Hello PF

So sorry that this has happened twice. I terminated in April for a T21 pregnancy, but Busierbee is the lady you need to speak to. She had a T21 pregnancy last year and this year, and like you apparently down to 'bad luck'

Wishing you strength over the next few days and weeks. The ladies here are truly amazing

BK x

GU hides from hit squad

Oh Pelvic, I am so sorry for what you have been through. It seems so unfair to be hit by long odds twice, doesn't it? Especially when you look at people who don't look after themselves in pregnancy and end up with healthy babies.

I think you sound very strong, but I know that I thought 'I've got through this before, so I know I can again' and then a few days later I was hit with the 'why the bloody hell should I?'. I hope that stage bypasses you, if not feel free to rant here.

(BTW I've not had 2 downs, I had 1 baby diagnosed with no renal system at 23 wks and just had an ectopic which means I've lost a tube and a bit of womb: so I haven't got experience of whether to try again and beat the odds)

Have you any other children? I've just turned 40, but with 3 DDs I'm not sure I'm up to trying again - esp as I will be 42 before I can (I know that's not old Eualia!).

Like GU I'll add you to my prayers and, whilst I can't offer advice or research to help you make your decision, I'll be here to offer support whilst - and after - you do.

In the meantime, I hope you can enjoy some peace and relaxation despite what you have endured

Daftie xx

Pelvicflawed. It just is so very tough what you are going through. You must be raw and in shock. If you feel like reading - if it offers any comfort at all - then my first thread is linked into the 'support for those who have chosen to terminate 1' thread and you will see that I was in turmoil - total turmoil. I just see it as such a dark and troubled and utterly confusing time. I really fell apart so much more the second time. Felt so very angry.
One puts ones trust in the doctors - 'it will be fine' they promise; 'try again- the odds are so in your favour'. And so you do. And the pregnancy is so painful to experience. Hope on one hand, fear balancing out on the other.
It does not seem possible, does it?
We both felt that there must be some kind of gene that they have not yet identified. But you know what? Apparently they really do think we are just unlucky. Unlucky does not even begin to describe it. I did not want to feel unlucky. Who does?
Do you feel that you must think about whether to try again or not now? Could you give yourself some space to just feel and cry and hide away?
Or do you need to think about trying again? I totally understand if you do. I have done for weeks. It has softened now. I feel more able to cope. I feel less reactive to prams and bumps and babies.
Do reach out whenever you need. Do you have a lovely man and/or children to comfort you?
Please rest and stay soft and warm.
My heart goes out to you so much.
hugs

Hi Pelvicflawed

I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. My story is still raw too - have one DD, terminated last year at 13 weeks for fatal chromosomal disorder (not DS) and then nearly three weeks ago at 20 weeks for renal failure. Apparently there is no link between them - one chromosomal, the other developmental - just horrid horrid unbelievable bad luck. So I do know where you are coming from and how you feel.

I don't know what to say other than that for me this time has been much worse, because it was so much later, and this time my baby was very real to me. But I have a DD and being there for her makes it worth keeping going and push some of the horror away momentarily. Do you have children?

I recommend the following: hot bubblebaths, novels, glasses of wine, cushioning yourself. And coming here - everyone here has helped me so much.

(Hi everyone else and thanks for the support. Lovely hot day today, weather wise. I have been a zombie though - more like thick fog in my psyche! - very tired and definitely an early night calling me. Yesterday took it out of me).

Oh and I am STILL BLEEDING. Is there something wrong with me, do you think (Tree - you might know...?) or is this normal? It seems to be tailing off so maybe it is...

Oh pelvicflawed - I'm so sorry.

We are here if you want to pour it all out. I think it might help to read the 1st thread, follow the link to busiers thread 'pregnant again after Down's'. I really think it could help you if you can face reading at all.

You must be floored.

Hi all - sorry I didn't get back earlier - had a sleep and we went and picked up DS from nursery. Feeling a bit better I guess because I've had to be 'mummy' for DS but still in shock by it all - kind of a bit scared of when it does finally sink in (I think I'm still running on adrenalin/lack of sleep as they kept me in overnight)Thanks for posting busier its kind of comforting to know I'm not the only one - even the docs/midwives and our councellor are shocked that its happened again as all along they kept saying its increadibly rare etc etc - just our luck to be those incredibly cases. I suppose my only 'rush' (and I know I'm rushing too much) to think about trying again is the fear that with each year the stats are getting worse and worse and I so want DS to have a sibling. Busier I'll have a look back at your thread - thanks I think at the time I might have posted to you a couple of times early on. DH is wonderful and has been the model husband but he is really cut up by it all-first step tomorrow is we are going to see our GP (feels like we were only there yesterday) and see if we can both be signed of work for a week or two just to give ourselves a bit of time to think/cry/stomp whatever.

Feeling really tired now so have got myself some nytol and going to retire to bed early and see how tomorrow pans out.

Thanks all - PF