Hi ladies
I'm new here and have been reading through this huge thread. I started reading it yesterday but I'm at work and can only look occasionally. I came across this part of Mumsnet by accident - via Google - as I didn't realise it existed. I'm not a mum yet, unfortunately, so hadn't been on Mumsnet before....
I just wanted to say how incredibly helpful I'm finding it just reading about other people's experiences. Like everyone else has been saying, I'm really struggling to talk to friends about what's happened to us. And I just can't imagine how anyone could possibly understand this without having been through it - I know I couldn't have a month ago. I don't want well-intentioned sympathy from people who don't understand. So other than my husband, who is being totally brilliant, I haven't really talked to anyone at all.
Anyway, my story is that nearly two weeks ago my husband and I chose to terminate our first pregnancy after a CVS confirmed that the baby had Down's. The initial scan came up with a neuchal reading of 4.6mm, which meant nothing to us as this was our first scan and we were blissfully ignorant of all the numbers. We had actually decided before the scan that we didn?t want to get given the risk level as we didn?t want to know and be scared throughout the pregnancy. Plus, I?m ?only? 33, and so we didn?t think that we were particularly high risk. But we did give permission for them to look for major anomalies. Looking back, we weren?t clear enough about exactly we wanted, because everything was so new to us. But we were seen at one of the big teaching hospitals in London, and things sort of snowballed ? during the initial scan, even though we requested not to be given the number, as soon as the lady saw the baby?s neck, she said ?ooh, I can tell that?s really big even without measuring?, and from then on we had a succession of doctors coming in to look and eventually one of them told us our risk was 1:2, as bad as it can get. They then produced a professor of fetal cardiology, who spent ages looking at the heart using a more sensitive scanner, and she said there was some evidence of valve leakage, even though at this stage it was too early to tell the details. This lady also said to us that with a risk of 1:2, we really did need to find out either way if the baby did have Downs, regardless of our ultimate decision. So we went ahead with the CVS, finally leaving the hospital at 3pm having arrived at 9am?
The result came back positive, as we kind of expected (we had the feeling when they gave us the 1:2 number that they were pretty certain about the outcome and would have given us an even worse number if one existed). We actually had a weekend away already booked, so we went away and walked endlessly, trying to reach a decision. Unlike lots of people, we really didn?t know in advance what we would do (I found a statistic that 92% of people who get a positive result for Down?s choose to terminate, and our midwife said that most of her ?ladies? already knew what they?d do before they had the test done). We spoke to the Down?s Association, and to ARC, both of whom were brilliant. But it was so hard. I?d always felt that I could never go through with a termination, whatever the circumstances (I?m totally pro-choice, I just thought I could never do this myself). It really brought home how you just can?t tell what you?d do in difficult situations in advance ? I?m quite a black and white person and this has shown me that I?m too quick to judge other people in other circumstances.
Eventually we seemed to reach a decision that we had to terminate, and it happened 13 days ago, on a Wednesday when I was exactly 14 weeks pregnant. But I?m still really struggling to come to terms with it. The hardest thing is that we?ll never know whether we made the right decision ? never being able to know the degree of health difficulties and the level of learning disability that our baby had is just so hard, so we don?t know if we made the best/kindest decision. I?m also struggling to deal with the fact that I don?t know myself as well as I thought I did ? I?m still kind of shocked that I could actually go through with it. And while I don?t necessarily regret our decision, I still feel this terrible guilt and sadness about killing our baby. I was ?lucky? in that I could still have a surgical procedure rather than having to deliver the baby, particularly never having been through labour before. But it seems so strange that I went to sleep pregnant and woke up not.
And so now I?m just dealing with everything slowly but surely. I went back to work 3 days after the procedure, and it helps distract me during the day. But I get home in the evening and I?m totally exhausted ? the effort of being ?upbeat? all day at work, and not sleeping very well, I guess. And then I start crying, and my poor husband is getting worried that I?m not coping very well. We went to see friends for the first time at the weekend ? they were the only ones who knew everything, and they were brilliant. But we?re out for dinner on Friday with two other couples ? one couple are expecting their first baby this summer, and I know it will be really hard. I should be 16 weeks pregnant by the time we see them, and I should have a little bump. I?m really happy for everyone that?s pregnant, but it just makes me think of what we?ve lost. I?m also so jealous of everyone that hasn?t had to go through this. I can?t imagine I?ll ever have an enjoyable pregnancy now ? that whole sense of innocence is gone. We think we want to start trying again quite soon (I feel so empty now, even though I?ve never been broody) but I can?t imagine how we?ll cope if we?re lucky enough to get pregnant again.
I could keep on typing forever but I must stop. Sorry for this epic post and thanks for listening.
Kate xx