Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC following a termination for abnormalities. Thread 7

[Kiki275]

Welcome to the newest thread of support for those ladies who are pregnant or trying to conceive after terminating for abnormalities. Since this thread first began (almost ten years ago!) there have been stories of heart break, sadness and fear, but from these stories there have also been stories of happiness, success and most importantly, hope.

@Unicorn1997 I'm glad Gosh have been good with you. Do you have any time frame for your results? The waiting game is harder when there's nothing to do, you're just stuck with your thoughts during a lockdown. I'm so sorry you've got this far and now have a whole load of new worry to face. I've found this thread supportive as nobody I know directly has experience of a TFMR, it can feel quite isolating at times.

@Mummabear40 You've had a time of it. Pancreatitis after mumps fingers crossed no more hospital stays for you.

@kiki275 congratulations and I hope you get your early scan. Do you mind me asking how long it took you to fall pregnant after your TFMR? Hearing from the pregnant ladies here has made me feel like I can start TTC again.

@Unicorn1997 I’m so sorry to read your story. Heartbreaking that you’re having this worry and fear again. I hope your results come through soon and are what you want to see. Waiting is so painful.

@Kiki275 you sound so much more happy. Sharing this news is so nice and makes it feel real. Aww I’m surprised they haven’t given you an early scan - definitely chase that. It a lovely bit of reassurance whilst you wait for the 12 week scan. I’m with you and @Mummabear40 eating everything in sight now I’m suddenly very hungry! I could eat a loaf of bread most days.

Hope everyone is doing okay in this miserable and cold January lockdown x

@MummyBearBoo what a journey! Really hope you have no more hospital stays!
@kiki275 hope you get your early scan and best wishes for your journey!
@Balajake hope you are ok? I was thinking about you today.

I’m a bit confused with my first period. I had just spotting for two days followed by two very heavy bleeding days. Today the bleeding has subsided. Wonder if this is going to be my new normal. I even used maternity pads for my two heavy days !
I was wondering if you ladies could give me some advice on tracking my ovulation. I have never done that before. Which ovulation kit do you use?

Thanks @Alice40p and @Holly341 assume the message re: mumps was meant for me.
@kiki275 -hope you get your early scan!
@Mummabear40 -glad you're feeling more reassured.
@Unicorn1997 -so sorry you're going thru this again - it's shit! Xx

Hi all, I was wondering if I could join you.

I had a TFMR on 31st Dec, due to my baby boy having T18. We got the 1st set of results on the 21st Dec, so Christmas was just a fog.
Your threads have been very helpful, and I have just felt ready enough to reply. You are all so brave xxx

I am still signed off work, and if I’m honest still feel in a fog some days, but I appreciate it’s very early days. Was there anything that helped you?

I haven’t been given any advice when we maybe able to try again, and if we are lucky enough to conceive again what tests would be best to have ( we had combined and a CVS this time). Just wondering what advice you have been given, if you would be ok to share.

My bleeding seems to have all but stopped, I have been told to take a pregnancy test after 3 weeks, would I be right to think I should expect a period 4-6 weeks after my TFMR ?
Sorry I am full of questions
Thanks in advance xx

@Holly341 we should have our results by Friday so just have to get through till then!

@URMysunshine4 hello sorry your here! I was in lockdown when I had my first Tfmr and I found focussing on simple things that brought positive thoughts helpful. Mainly spending time with my other child. Despite how cliche it sounds getting out for walks or cooking a homemade meal helped as I felt I had accomplished something.

I was advised to wait a month for my cycle to return to normal then try when emotionally ready. I had the Tfmr in March I was then pregnant again in the may but that sadly ended in an early miscarriage. We then waited and tried again in the august. So I think whenever the right time is for you and what your consultant advises obviously.

Sending hugs x

Thank you @Unicorn1997. I have had a few Gousto boxes to try and get back in the kitchen, my pregnancy seemed to zap all the energy out of me, so I’m trying to get back to what I enjoy to do. I also have a small list of jobs I need to do, and I am trying to do at least one a day.

We are due our karotype(?) results through any day, Hoping that should help one way or another.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and sorry to see that you are waiting for test results, hoping these come through soon for you and that you are ok Xxxx

@MummyBearBoo I'm a tit, the mumps message was meant for you.

@Unicorn1997 let us know how you get on, I hope the time goes quickly for you.

@URMysunshine4 I'm so sorry you've ended up here and had to go through all that heartbreak over Christmas. The fog is very real, I found my short term memory was terrible for a few weeks after. Things do get better, I promise. The pain is still there but you slowly start to feel more and more like yourself. The things that have helped me are keeping a journal - I've never been one for writing my feelings down but it helped me process things and set myself tasks. My husband also made me go a walk everyday when I was off work to break up the day.

I had my TMFR on 04/12/20, negative pregnancy test 2 weeks later and my period 06/01/21. I didn't have specific advice about when to try, we're just starting again. I think for most people it's whenever you feel ready unless you're awaiting results or been advised specifically by the hospital.

Thank you @Holly341 and sorry you have ended up here too.

A journal sounds like a good idea, I am a deep thinker/worrier by nature, so this may help my mind settle, especially on a night time.

I wish all the best when trying again XX

@URMysunshine4 sorry you find yourself here. I too had a tfmr for T18 beginning of December. I bled for two and half weeks. My first period started mid last week. I had different answers about when I can state TTC again from different doctors. One of them explained to me that I can start as soon as bleeding stops but the reason they ask to wait is because of dating purposes. My GP however said not much is known about what happens to uterus that early on and that it is safer to wait at least until one period.
Yes, I’m still feeling down about the whole situation. Some days are better than others. I find writing my emotions down, being with my other child, focusing on things I can change like having a healthy life style helps.
If I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again, I was told I would get a early scan for dating and offered a CVS.

Thank you @Alice40p and sorry to hear you find yourself here too.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I have learnt more from these forums these last few weeks than anywhere else. It’s good to know that you will be offered an early scan and CVS for a future pregnancy. I have noted this as a question when I get the karotyping results through from my consultant to see if I will have this option too.

@URMysunshine4 definitely would recommend a cvs as I was told I wouldn’t need anything like that this time and I’m a rare case but would HATE to see anyone else in my position! X

Exercise helped me I wanted to lose some weight and it gave me a new focus when I wasn't in my FW I focused on losing weight and when exercising I found it hard to focus on anything other than making it thru my work out alive -it meant I could just focus on me for a bit and switch off from everything else and I needed the endorphins!! I wasn't massively overweight but i lost 2 stone and am now right in the middle of the healthy weight BMI! Xxx

Thanks @Unicorn1997, I will definitely ask the consultant when he calls.

Hi @MummyBearBoo, that’s amazing, well done

I hope no one minds me asking but any of you who have other children how did they cope with the news of not having a sibling they were expecting?

@Unicorn1997 My DS wasn't even two at the time so didn't understand he was even going to be a big brother. We'll not shy away from telling him though that he has two brothers who are angels. They were really poorly so were born sleeping, we them love them very much and they love him too.

@URMysunshine4 so sorry you find yourself here, I wasn't advised to take a pregnancy test but was told to wait two periods before starting TTC. I also wanted a smear as it was well overdue and I had unexplained bleeds during the pregnancy. I was fortunate to have my son to concentrate on, I'm very future orientated so looked out for upcoming milestones/ due dates etc in order to keep going. I always need something to look forward to and struggle when I don't (lockdowns not helpful with this).

@Holly341 sorry for the late reply. I had my tmfr in March, lochia lasted 6 weeks and I started TTC in June. My cycles never regulated themselves though (I blame my thyroid) so it took around 7/8 cycles to get a BFP.

I've been offered an early reassurance scan on Wednesday in EPU. I'm simultaneously excited and absolutely bricking it!

@Kiki275 -we'lll probably tell the girls when they're older that they would have had 2 brothers -though we hid all our pregnancies from DD1 until we got the OK from fetal medicine which only happened this time so we told her she was having a baby sister this time! Xx

Hi @URMysunshine4, sorry to see you here. I too had a tfmr for T-18 in early December. My bleeding and lactating stopped after about 3 weeks and I would say that’s when I started feeling like the “old me”, just for little bits time. In part, that was probably my hormones stabilising. Unexpectedly, I found going back to work helped me - I work from home at the moment and I could lose myself in work, just for little bits of time. Dealing with strangers who had no idea what I’d gone through was liberating - I could be just a professional, not a woman who had just lost an unborn child in this awful way. I’ve found lockdown a blessing, as I can easily restrict contact to what I’m mentally capable of dealing with. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but the pity and kindness of others can be overwhelming - sometimes it brought on waves of grief and self-pity that I just drowned in. I read the entire ARC website and cried and cried and cried. I spoke to an ARC counsellor and got registered for access to the ARC forum, but for some reason it didn’t work on my devices. MN has been good though. My partner has been extremely supportive - we’ve essentially done hours and hours of talking therapy for each other. A very few close friends have also been amazing. Without them, I’d have looked into more counselling with ARC and/or Petals. Like many others, I focused on some other things in my life, including getting fitter for ttc again. The tfmr has changed me forever and I will always be grieving for that baby, but I hope that with time, as the world goes to functioning “as normal”, so will I...

@Alice40p, @Holly341 so happy to hear you’ve both had your period now! I am still waiting.. it’s been 5 weeks, so I’m sure it’s coming, but I feel like my life is kind of suspended until it comes.

@Alice, once it starts, I’ll get a scan at a private fertility clinic that we’re using, to check that I have a dominant follicle growing an egg as normal. Then I’ll use the clear blue ovulation tracker kit to catch my next peak fertility day to ttc.

@Unicorn1997

I hope no one minds me asking but any of you who have other children how did they cope with the news of not having a sibling they were expecting?

My DS1 is 4 and was excited to be a big brother although we hadn't made a big thing out of it as such. He was talking about death of soldiers (they'd been doing about Armstice day at school) and I casually dropped in that our baby had died and gone to heaven, so wouldn't be coming to live with us anymore. We were very clear that it was because the baby was very, poorly. He asks a lot if we're going to get another baby, and talks about his brother being in heaven with God and the angels. But I think because he's young enough to not quite understand what's gone on, he doesn't understand what he's lost. It was more theoretical.

Thank you @kiki275 and sorry you find yourself here too. I am trying to plan things to look forward to but with lockdown it’s tricky. I can’t wait for some brighter weather.

Thank you @SusanSue and sorry you find yourself here too. I agree in someways lockdown has been helpful so I don’t have to see people. I am anxious to see people who don’t know, the ‘ how are you’ and ‘Did you have a good Christmas’ questions scare me, also when I do go back to work people asking where I’ve been.
I too found the access to arc difficult, I figured out you need to login at the top right before it showed any forums.
I like you have read so much, as I like to understand and be armed with info.
I am on a waiting list for a local councillor, but that could be 4 to 6 weeks. I am thinking it may help me to tell a few people,, I just worry about giving people negative news with the pressures of lockdown ( only my parents and in-laws know). I also have someone close to me who is expecting and was a day behind me, I just don’t know whether to tell or not, I’m so conflicted.
I think just typing this is helping so I’m going to aim to write a few things down today.
Thank you all again xx

Oh @URMysunshine4, my heart really goes out to you... My partner and I made a list of all the people who knew about our pregnancy and then went through it over the course of a couple of days, ticking people off, as we let them know. It was emotionally draining but we felt it had to be done and was best done all at once, so that we didn’t have to think about others any more and could focus on ourselves, on dealing with our own grief. Lockdown was, again, a blessing in that respect, as we could do it all by messages, emails, etc. It’s often better to deliver bad news remotely anyway - the recipient isn’t put on the spot and has time to process and react and you too don’t have to deal with their immediate reactions either. We had several different forms of message, from the detailed (explaining that we had a T-18 diagnosis, the prognosis for life of those babies, and that we had a termination) to the very general (saying that following complications, I was no longer pregnant). The former variant went to only very close friends/family and the latter - to most other people. We know that most people assumed a miscarriage, but that was OK with us as we didn’t feel like we owed a detailed explanation to those recipients. All messages ended by saying that we had support and were just taking it one day at a time etc. The ending was important because everyone was offering help and support because people are generally nice and/or they felt like they need to be there for us and that ending kind of pre-empted that, allowing them to not feel obliged to do anything and allowing us not to engage with follow-ups when we didn’t feel up to it. With most responses we’d just say thank you for your thoughts and left it at that. If we felt that anyone was being overbearing (a low bar for us at the time), we just said that we were taking a bit of time out and weren’t ready to do that walk / call / Zoom / whatever yet, but hoped we could do it soon, and just left it at that. I felt a bit mean keeping close friends and family at arms length, but I honestly didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with other people’s grief as well as my own. This is a time to be really kind to yourself and to focus on you.

@URMysunshine4 can you ask a manager to put a message around that unfortunately there were complications and you lost the baby? No one needs details. Not a single person asked me what had happened upon my return. I had some lovely heartfelt messages of support/sympathy but no prying questions. To be honest I think most folk are too wrapped up in their own troubles at the moment.
With regards to your friend, I'd be honest to a point. You know her best as to what that point is. Tell her the full story when her baby has safely arrived, so that she's not worried and you've had chance to process everything.
I can happily, factually and even proudly tell anyone my story now without breaking my heart x

Just been for a wee and noticed some brown spotting. Got my EPU scan in the morning thankfully, I've all of a sudden got really worried x

I bled briefly with both my pregnancies kiki and brown blood isn't necessarily a bad thing as it's old blood. But it's horrible. And stressful.

I'm so sorry to all out new members, it is the worst club to be part of.

I found it easier to just tell people as I saw them sunshine but I know my DM also emailed and let it filter through people we knew at a slow steady pace so that it wasn't a wave of condolences, more gentle waves. I've also found people are quite affected by our loss, especially older ladies.

I can happily, factually and even proudly tell anyone my story now without breaking my heart x
This really resonated with me, and it's true for me too. I have my bad days, but I can speak about my boy without breaking my heart.

Thinking of all of you. The foggy days are the worst. And at the minute, with everything going on, im finding the foggy brain days outweigh the clear minded days xx