Support thread for women who are pregnant or TTC after a termination for abnormalities 3

[LittlePoot]

So, New Year, New Thread. And the next set of New Babies are arriving! I hope they prove that there can be light at the end of the very dark tunnel we have all had to come through and I hope there are many more babies to come. In the meantime, we're here, as ever, with supportive words, virtual hands to hold and multiple fingers to cross to help everyone through these nerve wracking waits and scans. A more lovely group of ladies you could not wish to find. xxx

Quick post to say glad you got through the first hurdle MrsBigz and being put forward a bit is reassuring. I think a lot of us have thought prior to getting pregnant again that we would definately have invasive testing in a subsequent pregnancy only to change our mind once nuchal results are back. It's a personal thing that you can't really decide until you have the information you need - ie the risk result. Its then a decision made by balancing what risks feel acceptable to you (both in terms of risk of abnormality and risk of miscarriage) and how you actually feel, if there are any niggling doubts etc. For me CVS was out of the question (unless nuchal was very high risk) because my hospitals miscarriage risk was 1 in 50. So, we decided that we would instead have amnio if the anomoly scan showed anything untoward and if we got a high or borderline risk from nuchal test. As it was nuchal test was low risk and anomoly scan looked normal so we decided we would take a leap of faith and not have invasive testing. It's hard when you know things can go wrong in pregnancy but at the end of the day we felt we couldnt risk miscarriage when we'd had no red flags at all.

Anyway good luck for nuchal and I'm really glad your first scan went well!

Hi to everyone else and sorry no time for other personals. Hope everyone is well.

blue cat what about spashing cash on clear blue digi, that will tell u yes or no

Congratulations mrsbigz, and fingers crossed now for the (dreaded) nuchal!

Mishta, I missed you.

Sorry for what will be a me, me, me post, but I feel so sad tonight. I haven?t used this space to offload for ages ? to think that I was doing it every day last year? Nothing special happened, I just feel so raw again, all of a sudden, I miss my little girl and I remember holding her and talking to her in the hospital? I know, my wonderful little boy wouldn?t be here now if it weren?t for my loss, and of course I can?t imagine life without him, but I just miss my little girl, and I love her too, and there are still times when I can?t believe I did what I did, I can?t believe I had to make this kind of choice.

I feel so guilty, I haven?t talked about it in here, but I actually forgot about her due date this year. It was the 23rd of June and I realised I forgot sometime in July? and we visit her grave every week-end, but always seem to be a bit rushed, as bambinocino is getting bored quickly in his car seat and starts to grizzle. I went alone last week-end and cried, and it felt good, as if my bond with her has been somehow restored, even if just a little bit. I have the feeling I am failing her.

I can?t believe how it can all come back with such acuity. And yet if someone asked me if I am happy I would tell them that I am, and it wouldn?t be a lie. Having my little one here happy and healthy makes me feel blessed and incredibly lucky, and I am so excited to watch him grow. I guess this is just that something underneath the happiness which I?ll have to carry around?

Sorry for this out of the blue me post.

Coffee, wanted to post quickly to send lots of love to you. I think I know how you feel. Of course I'm still pregnant and have yet to meet my little one. But I still think about my baby girl all the time and miss her and love her. And I know it will always be that way. You have your georgous wee man now with you but you still had your lovely daughter, she was your precious baby and of course you love her deeply. I don't think you are failing her in any way at all, forgetting her due date is nothing to be ashamed about, it is a day that sadly never was. You will never ever forget her.

I know that I also wonder if I did the right thing and how it might have been. The 'what ifs' rear their heads from time to time. But you know, as does everyone else on here that if you had to go back to that time you would make the same decisions again because they were the only decisions you could make for your family. It's such a horrible responsibility to have to carry around, so cruel and unfair that we must, but such is life I suppose. Terrible things happen to good people and there is no rhyme or reason. There are some positives I think, in the empathy and deeper understanding such a trauma can bring, you can be happy and sad all at once. And most of all you have your lovely boy, who is such a gift and who is bringing so much light into your life which you truly deserve. xx

Hello! A quick post before I go and drop the kids at the in-laws for a night off

Mrsbigz, wonderful scan result! I was on cloud 9 after our dating scan, and the wait for the nuchal scan seemed to take forever. Hopefully they will see you as early as possible.

BlueCat - any more POAS? Did you splash out on a digital one. Fingers crossed for you xx

Mishta, lovely to hear from you and that the daycare is going well (serously dont know how you do it!) It's good to hear that you finally got the allergies identified. We go the all clear for dairy allergy for DD1 but her eczema is still playing up every now and then. Quite good at the mo. Just dont want it to affect her school life (SCHOOL!!! In 4 weeks..!!!! Eek)

Coffee, Im sorry you are having a down period at the moment. As you say, this is something that you will always carry with you, and it is only natural for it to creep up on you every now and then. As Cherry said, forgetting her due date is nothing to feel bad about. There is so much occupying your life right now (a very happy something) and dates are quite often forgotten. Sylvia will always be a part of your life and your heart. xxx

Hello to everyone else, sorry for so few personals.

As for me, all ok here, I am 34 weeks today and very uncomfortable. Had a really good sleep last night - have been unable to sleep due to a mixture of reasons: Baby is a night owl, baby giving me heart burn, the kids sleep pattern gone up the wall with having lots of family meet ups, the riots (DP is a police officer and cant sleep with worry about him getting hurt), and the glorious pregnancy insomnia!!! So last night I collapsed and didn't wake until DP got home at 4am, and fell straight back to sleep till 8am. Bliss!

Got my final scan today and consultant appointment, then it's the 6 week wait for baby to arrive! Seeing my midwife next week to sort out a home birth as slightly nervous about the speed of DD2's arrival and worried this baby may follow suit.

Hope you are all well xx

coffee, also just wanted to say how much i empathise with how you are feeling. (cherrybug has also expressed this so eloquently) ,It's natural to still feel low sometimes- she was your first born, you had to make a decision that goes against our maternal instinct to protect. Sylvia will always be a part of who you are.

Today was actually the anniversary of my first awful loss, and also the due date for my second lost boy (he would have been a year old had he been compatible with life).
I cried a little when a certain song came on my ipod, but this was the first time I didn't buy their flowers or light their candles, and I made the decision not to open the memory box. It's probably because I am so close to having another baby, but I haven't even reminded my dh of the date - I feel guilty because I didn't want to grieve today, but instead I spent all day playing with DD2, who would not be here if we hadn't lost our first son.
It's an intense journey, becoming a mummy, and I think the experience of loss increases our awareness of how precious it is.
look after you. x

thank you ladies for your congrats on the first scan hurdle.....now waiting (somewhat impatiently i might add!) for the date of my nuchal. urgh, that word sends shivers down my spine. just praying that we get better odds this time. i know they will add on a 1% risk to my odds because of Eve, but god, even something in the 100's would be a better result than the 1:5 risk i got with her. cherry i'm still unsure about invasive testing (if any) - i had my amnio here and their m/c risk was 1:200 and i would be 'comfortable' having that done again if the need arose. as for cvs, i've emailed the consultant who does them here just to find out what his m/c rate is.....just so i'm informed in advance.

Coffee - i'm sorry you're feeling a little down. as the other ladies have said i think what you're feeling is only natural. i know my loss was a little more recent than yours, but although 'most' of the time i am 'ok' i still have waves of grief and sadness over my lost little girl. and being pregnant again, while i'm glad that i should now be pregnant for my due date in september, part of me feels guilty as though i'm letting down the memory of her by 'moving on' so quickly. of course when i give myself a reality check, that is not true at all. i will never ever forget her, and this baby will never replace her (just like your gorgeous son will never replace your baby girl), but to have those thoughts and that sadness surely is normal for anyone who has been through what we have been through. letting her due date pass without remembering, is not doing a a disservice, as it is in effect just a date, and you think about her every single day, so her your memories of her are still very much alive. and please don't apologise for the you post.....you have helped and supported SO many women on this thread and the sister thread, that you are surely owed a few posts solely about how you are feeling xxxxxxxxxx

Natz - wow only 6 weeks to go!! hope you're appointment with the mw goes ok re: the home birth. it's something i wanted with ds2 but his impatience to arrive (9 weeks early) put a stop to that. and now i'm not sure i have the nerve as am technically high risk because of previous prem birth. oh and i have a prolapse too - just to add another problem into the mix!!! anyway, meant to say i hope the next 6 weeks pass quickly for you and can't wait to hear the news of your new addition :)

Thank you all xxxx As always your words are so helpful.

Feeling much better today, it's just been a difficult evening, when everything came back. But I am somehow relieved I've felt raw again, I never want to close this wound completely, it hurts but it's my connection with my little girl who never was more than a flutter in a belly and a beautiful dream.

My gorgeous little man is asleep upstairs and I cuddled him and kissed him until he drifted off :) I am lucky after all.

So many thread babies to come, exciting times again. Please forgive me but I can't remember the due dates in order, is it eavers, manitz, natz, cherry and babilily? xxxx

Coffee, I'm so glad everyone was able to comfort you with their wise words. I totally get what you mean about you are happy and appreciate everything you have, while still having times of sadness about Sylvia. I think that's the true meaning of 'learning to live with it' - you not just learn to live, as in get by, but to fully participate and enjoy life, be happy, sometimes ecstatically so, while never for a moment forgetting what you've lost.
What you wrote about missing Sylvia 's due date made me think though. It was the 18th anniversary of Sheridan's death the other week, which, to my surprise affected me more than her 18th birthday. Even though it's so long ago, it still gets me thinking about what should have been - that she should be a young lady with the world and so much before her, starting university (maybe), just getting her drivers licence etc. I think it affected me more too as not one person in RL acknowledged it. Every year, without fail one of my sisters (who was visiting me when Sheridan died) sends me an angel in some form (picture/figurine/card) for Sheridan's birthday and anniversary, and this year she didn't. Also, I messaged DH, who was away, on the evening of the anniversary, to remind him of the date, and he never got back to me. Granted, he was asleep, but there was no mention of it the next day, or any day after. It felt like I was the only person in the whole world who remembered her, which is totally not true of course, and unfair. A date is simply that, a date. It's how you remember them day to day that means anything, and I know DH, my sister, and many other people will never, in a million years, forget Sheridan. Coffee, your love for Sylvia is so obvious, it's made this whole thing about dates hit home for me, so thank you, and I'm glad you feel better xxx

My 14 year old DD is having a hard time at school ATM. She did the wrong thing and told someone something that was told to her (which of course she is now very sorry about), the story then went around, bits getting added as it went. Long story short, my DD not only lost all her 'friends' in a day, but she was pushed around, and was/is being threatened with getting 'bashed' by the rougher ones of the girls. We've had a school meeting as she doesn't want to go back to school. The school wants her there Monday, but she's said if I make her go, she'll kill herself. Now, I doubt the seriousness of that, but I hate to know she feels that way. I remember watching a American sitcom a while ago (The Middle), in which the main character said 'A mother is only as happy as her saddest child'. It's so true. Though I try to come across to her with a 'this too shall pass' kind of attitude, it is upsetting. I would dearly love to do a Freaky Friday thing and go to her school for a day to sort some of those girls out. Teen girls can be so nasty - though (for those of you with young girls) not all of them of course. My 16 year old DD has always had a lovely bunch of friends, who, while they might have disagreements on occasion, it gets sorted out, and without involving the whole group turning on one. Am I right in thinking I might be the only one with teens on this thread?

Ramble, ramble, sorry, just had to get that off my chest....

Natz -34 weeks! Time just flies - probably not when you're the one pregnant though. Yes, I also need a reminder of who's due when - memory like a sieve. Am eagerly looking forward to this batch of arrivals

Take care everyone xxxx

Hello everyone,

I am really touched by what you have all said to Coffee. It really struck several chords with me. The due dates have never held any emotion for me, but the dates my babies were born/died are the key ones in my case. However I so agree with the others: we're all learning to live with the loss of our babies and it will hit us differently at different times. You've all said it so perfectly that I can't add anything, except to Mishtabel. I can't believe that Sheridan would have been eighteen. I also find that grief can be very isolating, not because other people don't feel it too, but because, as you say, they feel it differently, maybe not at the same times as us, and perhaps less vocally, and we probably all need to learn that. Sheridan will never be forgotten, by any of your family. I like to think that part of her legacy is the wisdom you have imparted to all of us and the grace and acceptance that you've always shown. Scant consolation, I can imagine, but I am honoured that you have told us all about Sheridan, Bella's oldest sister.

I am saddened by your story about DD2. Yes teenage girls can be awful (can I keep my two tiny forever?!), I remember. It must be impossible to know what to do. I am sure it will blow over soon enough but remember it feels like the world is crashing in in the interim. You sound like you're handling it brilliantly. By the way, Bee has teenagers, but don't think she reads any more (if she does, hello Bee!). I don't think anyone else does.

Coffee, give your DS a big hug. You'll never forget Silvia. And I think we all feel so much residual guilt for doing the unthinkable to our babies, even though it was the right thing to do, that forgetting dates feels like a mark of guilt, but it isn't. It's just a date. You remember her all the time. I worry that sometimes I feel nothing about my lost babies. Then I feel the loss again. I think it's all normal, just how things go.

Got to run but good luck with the nuchal MrsBigz, and deciding on what to do (see what feels right at the time?). And I guess the cold weather is good for our many very pregnant ladies, right?

Just popping on quickly to say I hope school went ok today Mishta. I dread the teenage years and the trials that come with it. Bullying is one of my biggest fears, especially when it's 'friends' that bully. I had that at school and it was awful, I didn't tell my mum the extent of it till many years later, but grew strong enough to pull myself away from the so called friend before it got too bad. I hope your DD is ok, and you too xx

Cant, yes the cooler weather has been nice, but it's creaping back up again so the elephant ankles have begun to make a repeat appearance...

Had a bit of a rant in the pregnancy thread as some stupid woman in the high street today asked if I knew the sex of the baby and did I want a boy, I smiled and told her that we are having another girl. To which she replied, 'oh dear, you have just been unlucky, a friend of mine kept trying for a boy and ended up with 6 girls...' To which I replied with a stoney stare, 'Im perfectly happy with three girls, we are not chasing a boy and do not intend to have any more thank you very much'... have been so angry since then. She has no idea just how lucky I am to be carrying a perfectly healthy baby!!! How dare she say that to me.

It's not only strangers I get this reaction from, but even family members. It's really been getting me down. I wish we hadn't told anyone the sex at all. Sorry didnt mean to turn this into a me post! xx

By the way, scan on Thurs went well, baby weighs just over 5lb and all looking good. No more scans now - woo hoo!

Thanks for your thoughts ladies. Good to hear from you Cant :) DD hasn't been back to school yet. She wants to be homeschooled, though I'm sure she'll change her mind when it all eventually blows over. To be honest, I think it would be good (to homeschool her) in a way, as even when she is on good terms with her 'friends', it's not ideal as they are all quite disruptive together (including DD), and her grades are getting worse with each semester. I know she's capable of so much more, and might do well with some 1 on 1, and without distractions. So I'm looking into it. Homeschooling is definitely not very common here though. Ah well, we shall just play it by ear.

Natz, it's SO annoying when everyone assumes you're trying for a boy. Nothing wrong with boys of course, but gees. The most memorable comment I received upon telling people I was having another girl was 'Oh that's so sad' complete with a look of utter sympathy. I just thought - what an obviously blessed life you've had if you consider that sad! It does get tiring though (the comments, not the girls - actually, them too). I'm the last of five girls in a row, so I'd imagine my poor mum was on the receiving end of a few comments herself. Luckily she went on to have 2 boys - phew! Imagine how happy everyone must have been for her. Glad your scan went well. Downhill run now xx

Love to everyone else xxx

just a quick update from me, sorry about lack of personals. had my booking in appointment this morning with the mw, and she rang up to check my nuchal had been booked, which it has......6th september, so i'll be just about 12wks. and it's the day before Eve's due date so i'm praying that the news is good . what did everyone on here do about invasive testing? i know i don't have to decide straight away, but i'm completely torn between my need to 'know' and also the potential risk of m/c to a healthy baby....
do you think i'll just know on the day what i need to do? i think my worst fear (well there are two actually) is a) not having invasive testing, then finding out very late that there is something wrong and having to have a late termination and b) not having the testing, being relatively low risk, and then still having a baby with t21 - which would make everything i went through with Eve completely for nothing i know you can't make decisions for me, but i just wondered what you ladies did and how you coped if you didn't have further testing. i can't afford to go to the fmc (did look at the prices and not within our range) and even private locally i'm not sure i could afford....and would what they find be much different to the NHS nuchal? and with the NHS nuchal, can i ask them to look for soft markers such as nasal bone, short femur length, even if it's not in their remit to.....if i explain my history and why i'm so darn scared???
sorry for the me post.......things just getting me thinking! xxxxx

Mrs Bigz - we decided we would wait to see what the combined nuchal risk was and then decide whether we should have amnio. Our risk for T21 was 1 in 4015 so we decided that that was low risk enough for us to not risk amnio unless there were any soft markers at the anomoly scan. When we had the anomoly everything looked ok so that kind of finalised our decision.

I wish I could say I felt 100% confident now in that decision but I don't. I feel it was the right one to make as there were no red flags to take us to amnio like the last time and at the end of the day had I not been through that the last time and if this was just a 'usual' pregnancy there is no way we'd even consider amnio with that kind of risk ratio.

So we've taken a leap of faith. I know absolutely there are no guarantees, we could always been 'the one' and even if not things can always go wrong in other ways. I suppose that was factored into our thinking - we know we can't control everything so unless there was a reason to intervene (ie a high risk) we felt we had to just take that leap of faith and hope and pray for the best.

It's very hard but then it always would be after such a loss. I just think I have to try and get through each week and try not to worry too much. We were told by the geneticist that we were extremely unlucky for such a rare thing to happen the last time so have to believe it's unlikely to happen again. But at the end of the day there are no guarantees.

Best of luck for the nuchal, not too long to go thankfully and it is a hurdle that once you've cleared can help you to relax a little more.

MrsBigz, glad you got your date through. I am hoping the wait isn't too long. We decided against invasive testing as the bloods and the soft markers were strongly in our favour. A CVS was offered to us on the day of our nuchal scan (as the bloods were tested whilst we waited in the hospital), but we decided to take our chances.

Due to Cara's heart condition we have been having regular scans - every 4 weeks, and just had our last one last week, so it has been reassuring to see that all the tell tale signs of chromosomal problems are absent at each scan. Cara had Turners Syndrome & Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, so they have been doing lots of measurements throughout the pregnancy.

We took advice from the sonographers on the day of our nuchal, although they said the final decision is always ours and they would never deter us from having hte CVS, they also said we could come back if we changed our mind (this was at Kings College).

They said due to the blood results they wouldn't recommend the CVS. We had a very bad experience with Cara's CVS, blood and amniotic fluid loss resulting with a night in A&E, so I didn't want to risk it as my body reacted so badly before.

Hope you are ok and get good results on the 6th xx

Congratulations Eavers!!! Was just thinking about you and came online to check just in case....
Really really pleased it all went well, and the worry and stress of the pregnancy and delivery are now behind you and you can just ENJOY finally having your lovely new boy!
especially well done on having such a big one!
Jacob is a lovely name too.
lots of love to you and your family xxxx

Congratulations eavers! You're right, such highs come after terrible lows. I am actually welling up writing this,I remember the first days with my little one and how I also used to stare at him for hours. Enjoy your precious baby, so pleased for you. Let us know how you both are when you have a chance. xxxx

PS: I'm sure Poot won't mind about the name :)

hiya mrsbigz,
Same thing to say as Natz and cherry with regards to diagnostic testing. We made the decision not to go ahead based on a nuchal of 1mm (compared to 3.6 on both our boys with trisomies). the overall result even with my history and advanced age gave us a 1:4000 for DS and 1:20000 for ES...fantastic odds for us as Nuchal and Bloods in both affected pregnancies had given us 1:80 for the baby with DS and 1:22 for the baby with ES. We were NHS and they also looked for the nasal bone and formation of the skull and stomach at 12 weeks to reassure us that there were no soft marker for Down's or Edwards. Ultimately where we hadn't felt we had no choice but to have CVS before based on such high probability of problems, this time around (and with DD2 following my first DS pregnancy) it didn't seem at all necessary.
Not knowing does bring its own worries, but the 20 week scan gave us further reassurance, and although we won't actually know until baby is born that everything is ok, we are sure that if anything had been wrong something would've shown up by now (we have had extra scans on the NHS for various other reasons, but your area may even offer you additional scans for reassurance alone).
Good luck - 6th September is not long to wait now. xx

Hurrah Eavers!!!

What fantastic news. Well done and have lots of fun in these precious early days with your lovely wee man. I'm so delighted all went well and after such a worrying journey it's a lovely happy outcome.

Congratulations to your family. Cherry x

Congratulations Eavers on the birth of baby Jacob!!! Wonderful new. Hope you are settling in at home with your family, look forward to hearing updates in the near future xxxx

congratulations Eavers on the birth of your baby boy - Jacob is a gorgeous name!!! I know how much i used to sit and stare at my boys when they were born, and i can only imagine that after what we have all been through that time is even more precious!!! Enjoy every minute :)

thanks ladies for all your comments and feedback on my nuchal / testing. i've done a lot of questioning today....have been in touch with a private consultant about the possibility of having a private nuchal. can't afford the FMC unfortunately (or to get down there) but this Dr Aldrich locally has over 20yrs experience in fetal medicine and is the top consultant at my local hospital.
I also rang my prenatal diagnostic MW (who provided support after i lost Eve) and asked her just exactly what the NHS nuchal will tell me, and she confirmed that they only screen for DS. i asked if they would look for other soft markers and nasal bone etc if i explained my history to them.....but apparently they won't ]. i explained to her that i basically wanted to get as much information as possible from the nuchal so that i can make a really informed decision as to whether to have invasive testing or not (which i would like to avoid). so i asked her what she would do (although i know she can't 'advise' me as such) and she said that if i wanted to be armed with the most information i should go private. but that if i do i should cancel my NHS appointment as if the results are based on different criteria. so i 'think' i'm going to do that - go private. but of course i will keep you updated. thank you ladies - only 9 weeks in and you're already keeping me sane xxxx

when i had my bloods done, cos of the es they did the screen for ds and es, and my bloods were 1:3600 for ds and 1:10000 for es, the es was writton on my letter, so no cvs for me as my odds last time were 1:25 for ds and 1:5 for es and it was es

i was at ipswich nhs

Hi all thanks for all your kind wishes. Jacob is sleeping on my chest all the moment, all curled up quietly snoozing.

Mrsbigz- Making the decision whether to have the cvs was such a difficult one for me.I so wanted to know for sure but decided not to risk it in the end. The nuchal was 2.7 but my bloods were very good which pushed the results to 1:480 NHS and 1:1200 at FMC. If we had just based the decision on the nhs test then I may have decided to have the cvs, i really dont know.
Personally even if you are going private I would still have the NHS test as well, I didnt tell my nhs doctor that I was going private. You will end up with 2 risks based on looking at different factors but I felt it gave me some peace of mind having two doctors measuring the nuchal and having 2 blood tests. (I had the scans on consecutive days). Otherwise i might have starting worrying that my blood test results were mixed up with elses or the nuchal was measured wrongly or other crazy paranoid stuff! You are entitled to the NHS test, I think they are just trying to save money. Also following my NHS nuchal I was offered an extra scan at 16 weeks because I had declined the cvs. If I had just had the private scan I might not have been in the nhs 'system' so much.