I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Rose559]

I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t feel like I love my children. They can do so much better and everyone will be much happier without me around. I don’t feel anything for them whatsoever. No empathy when they’re sad, ill or hurting. I am an awful mother. I wanted them so desperately but I can’t do it any more. I give them a good life, I do everything I’m meant to do for them, they want for absolutely nothing. They’re young enough now not to remember me, hopefully my partner will find someone to step in my place and have support from family to bring them up and show them the love they deserve. I would have loved to be good enough for them but I can’t do it anymore.

You’ve put this in post natal depression so you know what this is, and that it will pass. You just need to keep going until it does. Have you had any medical help?

Hi there, have you told your partner or other family how you’re feeling? Sometimes a wee visit to see your GP and get medication to help can make the world a different place.

Please tell someone in real.life you are feeling this way.

Call the samaritans or evem 999 if you are feeeling really awful.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

You say you’ve given them a good life, so just carry on doing what you’re doing. One day you’ll be fine.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. Have you seen a doctor? Does your partner know how you are feeling?

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice, but when I saw your thread title I couldn't not reply. All I will say is in my experience, awful mums don't care about being awful mums! The fact you are posting this shows you care!

It really isn't your fault you are feeling like this and help is out there.

You are good enough. How old are your children? The early years are so difficult. Is there anyone that can give you a break? Are you eating/getting enough sleep? You must look after yourself, you are important.

I’m safe, I wouldn’t know what to do if I really wanted to and scared to Google ways because I fear knowing would make it seem harder. I just don’t want to feel like this any more. My children are 5 and 2. I thought it would have passed by now? I’ve tried anti depressants and they just make me feel number than I already do. I don’t know what else to do. I just want to leave. I haven’t had more than an hour without my 5 year old other than work and giving birth.

Please reach out for help your children need you more then you know suicide is so damaging to the people left behind they don't just move on and get over it no matter what age they are. I know things seem impossible right now but things will get better. You're ill and your brain is playing tricks on you. There is so much bad in this world we need good people like yourself to stay in it. Have you tried any medications as I've been where you are and meds have been life changing. Also don't be afraid to admit you need more help and support then you currently get being a parent is hard and admitting that is ok. Please make a gp appointment and tell them everything you have wrote on here they will help you also 111 option 2 can be really good. You don't have to do this alone. Xxx

How many antidepressants have you tried it can take a few goes to get the one that is right for you x

They’re 5 and 2 and no I’m definitely not looking after myself. I can’t even make myself brush my teeth or drink water. I just plod through the day pretending and waiting for bedtime so I can sit in a dark room with my thoughts.

I feel like I know they need me but also know they need better. I can’t be the person that loves and nurtures them like they deserve.

Hello Rose, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thank you. I feel like I’ve tried so much help and nothing works. I’ve felt like this for years and it’s just getting worse instead of better. I don’t know how many times I need to tell people I don’t want to be here any more before I get help. I just sit feeling like this every night before falling asleep, then having to plod through another day before feeling like it again. I can’t do it any more.

Hi OP you have given your 5 year old the best life you could already and you can do it for the 2 year old as well. You’ve done amazing already and it’s not easy but you will get through it. Have you had any talking therapy, and can your 5 year old not get any child care or be in pre/school? Your 2 year old can also go to a child minders or nursery if you don’t have any support nearby and just use that time to build you back up, do a few things for you, go for a walk, have a bath, meet a friend for coffee, read a book, and slowly you will start feeling a bit like yourself. Please get help OP, no one will ever be better enough for your kids, you are their mum and they will always need you. I really hope you get some help. 🌺🌺🌺

The fact you don't think you're good enough tells me you are an amazing mum as you actually care. All your children need from you is for you to get yourself better. You're currently in a really hard stage of parenting 2 and 5 are hard ages for anyone and you are unwell on top of that. You need to be a lot kinder to yourself then you're being and realise you do deserve help and care and that your needs are important to xx

Is your 5 year old starting school in September? Is it possible to get your 2 year old in nursery even one day a week? It sounds like you don't get a break at all. You need to prioritise yourself sometimes. Is your partner supportive?

As others have said sometimes you have to try a few medications to find one that works. Please go back to the doctors and don't give up!

Go back to the gp and try something else or adjust the dosage.
It is possible to change the numbness and you are aware its not right.
You are those little peoples world and admiration.
They love you.

Yes sorry they’re both in school/nursery but only so I can work. If I’m not at work I’m with them. I need some time away and noone is listening. We don’t have a village. I don’t want to leave them, I know I don’t. But also know I should feel different, I shouldn’t feel this numb towards them, I want to love them, I want to care, I want to feel sad about the thought of never seeing them again but I can’t. I can’t feel anything.

Could you take a few days / weeks off work?
make time to help yourself feel better.

You need a doctor appointment and some time to yourself

You just sound completely burnt out is it possible to reduce your hours at work or go off sick for a while. You need a break a day or even just a few hours a week where you're not at work and you don't have the kids and you can do something for you even if its just falling asleep infront of netflix without being needed for something.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way op. I’m sure it’s the lack of a second to yourself that’s also contributing to this. 5 and 2 are incredibly hard ages. The early years were also the most difficult and miserable years personally for me. When the kids starting growing up a bit it got so much easier. When they got more independent I got some of my life back. I love my dc soooo much but oh was it difficult.
i also don’t have a village, spinning so many plates and felt like i was giving 50% to everyone. I can promise you though, this season of your life will get better. In the mean time please reach out for help to your gp. Your kids need you.

Staying alive for them is what they need. Everything else is secondary.
Parenting is tiring. Not many people enjoy the daily grind when the kids are young. Speak to your GP about how you are feeling. They will help you.

I can remember these feelings after I had my daughter. I struck lucky with a female GP who got me onto an antidepressant which worked fairly well for me. Where is your partner/ husband in all of this or are you battling alone? Your family and friends would be devastated if anything happened to you. Motherhood doesn't come easily or naturally to all of us. I struggled but I got through it somehow. You will too. I second the idea of dialling 111 and pressing the option for mental health. They were so kind and understanding and got me some additional help. Ring them in the evening while the children are asleep.
Sending cyber hugs to you. You can and will get better.

I’m so sorry you feel this way. Please don’t believe you’re failing. I’m sure you’re doing the best you can. You just need the right support and if you’re all out of energy fighting for yourself please get a friend or family member involved who can do that for you. Sending you love and strength xx