I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Rose559]

I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t feel like I love my children. They can do so much better and everyone will be much happier without me around. I don’t feel anything for them whatsoever. No empathy when they’re sad, ill or hurting. I am an awful mother. I wanted them so desperately but I can’t do it any more. I give them a good life, I do everything I’m meant to do for them, they want for absolutely nothing. They’re young enough now not to remember me, hopefully my partner will find someone to step in my place and have support from family to bring them up and show them the love they deserve. I would have loved to be good enough for them but I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve been where you are, and it is an utterly awful place to be. I couldn’t imagine loving my children because I couldn’t feel anything other than despair and emptiness. It was absolutely the worst I’ve ever felt. But I am telling you now, as someone who has been there, it WILL get better. I honestly couldn’t imagine ever feeling even remotely happy again. It took a combination of things - support from my DH, a sympathetic doctor (if the first one you see isn’t, try another), the right combination of antidepressants, and some time to myself, and it wasn’t a quick process - but bit by bit, I got out of the dark hole, and you will too. Your emotions and your love for your children are still there, deep down, but ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ - if your own needs aren’t being met then you don’t have anything left to give to others. Shout and shout as much as you can until you get help to fill your own cup, and you WILL get there. Show the doctor this thread. If anyone tries to brush you off or minimise it or just blame hormones and say you’ll snap out of it, try someone else - keep going and you’ll find the one who gets it. You are precious, you are enough, and you are so, so important to those children.

1. Call in sick
2. Make an emergency appointment to go to the GP (don't be fobbed off by gate-keeping receptionist - give them an inkling of how bad you are feeling)
3. Tell GP what you've told us. They will sign you off and signpost you towards support
4. In the meantime, use that time away from work and DC to gently start caring for yourself whatever that looks like: Soak in the bath / lunch on something you really fancy / curl up with a book.
5. Do NOT feel guilty about being home and start running yourself ragged trying to 'compensate' by doing more housework. Keep on top of it within reason, but you are unwell and your recovery takes priority.
6. Remind yourself that this WILL pass. It's not a case of you not loving your DC, you are numb with depression - you don't 'love' anything right now, but it WILL come back.
7. Be your own advocate. Be clear with whoever needs to hear it - DH/Work/GP/family/friends - "I am struggling. I need some help".
8. Don't be hard on yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You are unwell, it is temporary and you are now taking action to get better.

I wish you well OP

I wish I could do all of these things. My husband and I own a company together, there is no escaping, if I don’t do my job, he can’t do his, and I haven’t got the mental capacity to train someone up in a job only I understand. I feel trapped. My OH is helping as much as he can by doing everything for the kids whilst I “rot” in bed but i feel like he resents me for it and doesn’t understand how truly bad I’m feeling. Even though I’ve told him clear that I don’t want to be here any more.

I feel like I can’t do anything to make myself get better because I don’t care if I never do. I’m not looking after myself because what’s the point.

But today I looked down and saw my son’s little shoes on the floor and realised I could never leave him. I looked at them and suddenly realised I’m someone’s Mother. I feel like for 5 years I’ve never even realised that? I’ve just been going through the motions doing my job and what’s expected of me without stopping to realise why. I really think I’ve been struggling that long and I’ve missed so much of their life’s feeling this way.

This is a huge positive step OP in how you’re feeling! Dont let guilt that you haven’t felt this way all this time take up the space of the feeling you’re their mum and they love you and you never want to leave them 💜 hold onto that and please please go and see your GP.

wishing you all the best please keep reaching out on here x