My dear mumsnet,
Apologies if this is not the place to post this. I've been trying to find a loss forum but couldn't find it, so I thought I could post under postnatal depression, which I'm not sure how I will ever recover from.
I posted my very first and last post last October, when I discovered I was pregnant.
I was 42.
We actively ttc twice, only twice, which had me in shock for a while.
Despite some heavy bleeds (thought the baby was gone), 12wks scan was fine. All tests fine.
20wks scan also fine. We found out the sex.
Discharge started to change a bit, but it wasn't smelly or itchy, which is what doctors ask about it all the time.
For two weeks I had some of it, then brown spotting, then pink.
Went to triage to get checked. Cervix seemed ok, got swabbed but sent home after, so I assumed everything was ok.
That night, contractions started, and I stupidly didn't even know how worried I should be. Were they contractions? Called triage, I could go in or try and rest and have some paracetamol. Chose the latter.
That night my mucus plug fell and started bleeding. Back to triage, I was 2cm dilated. I was in labour and there was little they could do to stop it. 22 +6 chat about viability or lack thereof.
I gave birth in under an hour. Baby's heartbeat had been there, but little else. I understand that I was in total shock at the time, but I will never forgive myself for not having held my baby straight after delivery (although I did pass out straight after), or for hesitating to see and hold, when it was the only chance I would ever have. I was so scared. So disconnected. It was my baby and I couldn't feel it.
It's been a few weeks now and we have to organise a funeral, which has set me back, flashbacks and all. I've been speaking to a counsellor and I know she's more worried about my guilt than my grief at the moment. I've known loss before, but this is nothing like anything I've ever felt.
I know time makes a difference, but in this case, I know it was my fault. I still need to hear the results of the investigation, but I don know they found some slightly raised markers for infection in my blood at the time. Deep in my heart I know it was my fault. I had two weeks to report some anomaly in discharge and I didn't. Perhaps it wasn't related, but what else. Those can irritate the cervix, and this can trigger labour.
I am going to turn 43 this year. I am devastated, not only for the child I never gave a chance to be, but also because I feel that this was it, this was my last chance to have a child, such luck conceiving and holding the pregnancy, so careful with everything... only to not do anything when I needed to flag something. I lost my baby out of I don't know, carelessness or stupidity or over confidence. I don't really know.
Thank you so much if you read all the way to here. Perhaps there are success pregnancy stories out there, rainbow babies at my age, but I don't know of any, and right now I don't even know whether I could even risk this heartache again.
Big hugs to all of you in this forum going through some hard, dark times. I have no words of comfort, but knowing we're not alone might help. It does help, even if it doesn't feel like it. x