Baby loss at 23 weeks - how to deal when it might have been your fault

[JunieS]

My dear mumsnet,
Apologies if this is not the place to post this. I've been trying to find a loss forum but couldn't find it, so I thought I could post under postnatal depression, which I'm not sure how I will ever recover from.

I posted my very first and last post last October, when I discovered I was pregnant.
I was 42.
We actively ttc twice, only twice, which had me in shock for a while.
Despite some heavy bleeds (thought the baby was gone), 12wks scan was fine. All tests fine.
20wks scan also fine. We found out the sex.
Discharge started to change a bit, but it wasn't smelly or itchy, which is what doctors ask about it all the time.
For two weeks I had some of it, then brown spotting, then pink.
Went to triage to get checked. Cervix seemed ok, got swabbed but sent home after, so I assumed everything was ok.

That night, contractions started, and I stupidly didn't even know how worried I should be. Were they contractions? Called triage, I could go in or try and rest and have some paracetamol. Chose the latter.

That night my mucus plug fell and started bleeding. Back to triage, I was 2cm dilated. I was in labour and there was little they could do to stop it. 22 +6 chat about viability or lack thereof.

I gave birth in under an hour. Baby's heartbeat had been there, but little else. I understand that I was in total shock at the time, but I will never forgive myself for not having held my baby straight after delivery (although I did pass out straight after), or for hesitating to see and hold, when it was the only chance I would ever have. I was so scared. So disconnected. It was my baby and I couldn't feel it.

It's been a few weeks now and we have to organise a funeral, which has set me back, flashbacks and all. I've been speaking to a counsellor and I know she's more worried about my guilt than my grief at the moment. I've known loss before, but this is nothing like anything I've ever felt.

I know time makes a difference, but in this case, I know it was my fault. I still need to hear the results of the investigation, but I don know they found some slightly raised markers for infection in my blood at the time. Deep in my heart I know it was my fault. I had two weeks to report some anomaly in discharge and I didn't. Perhaps it wasn't related, but what else. Those can irritate the cervix, and this can trigger labour.

I am going to turn 43 this year. I am devastated, not only for the child I never gave a chance to be, but also because I feel that this was it, this was my last chance to have a child, such luck conceiving and holding the pregnancy, so careful with everything... only to not do anything when I needed to flag something. I lost my baby out of I don't know, carelessness or stupidity or over confidence. I don't really know.

Thank you so much if you read all the way to here. Perhaps there are success pregnancy stories out there, rainbow babies at my age, but I don't know of any, and right now I don't even know whether I could even risk this heartache again.

Big hugs to all of you in this forum going through some hard, dark times. I have no words of comfort, but knowing we're not alone might help. It does help, even if it doesn't feel like it. x

I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I can't imagine your pain. However, this is not your fault. You must not blame yourself for this at all. Be kind to yourself

I think it is natural to desperately try to make sense of such a tragedy. I also think it's natural to scrutinise yourself and question everything you did or didn't do.

But I don't think this was your fault.

Your reaction to change in discharge sounds normal and appropriate - you did go in when you found a reason for concern.

That sounds incredible sad and traumatic but I can't work out why you think you are to blame. Even when you sought medical advice, they thought it was all done and sent you away. The scan was fine art 20 weeks. There are all sorts of funny discharges when you are pregnant.
I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself as none of this was your fault,it is just devastatingly sad. You need to allow yourself to properly grieve without blaming yourself. I am so sorry for your loss x

This was not your fault. You’re looking for a reason that this happened and not finding one so you’re blaming yourself. But this is not your fault. Discharge changes are normal in pregnancy. There was no warning here.
Even if you did have an infection, it’s still not your fault. Our bodies deal with small infections all the time and only very occasionally is it something we could have prevented from happening.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry your baby was born too soon to be saved. 💐 Have the hospital offered you any grief counseling?

So sorry for your loss, but this was absolutely not your fault 💐

It's not your fault. It really really isn't. You have to find some way to make peace with this or it will drive you insane. I lost a baby at 20 weeks, found out later it had probably died around 17 weeks. I had so much guilt around it, things I did or did not do, and also around certain details of my labour which I won't go into here. I needed counselling to come to terms with what had happened, I was in a very dark place for a while. This was a long time ago now and there wasn't much support really. It took me a long time to find peace with myself, but somehow you have to find a way.
I can't offer you much more in the way of help but there are support groups out there, SANDS is excellent and might be worth reaching out to when you are ready.

https://www.sands.org.uk/

Look after yourself OP, try and be kind to yourself

This wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s natural to seek for a reason when something so awful happens but you aren’t to blame. A lot of women have a discharge when they are pregnant.

Are you getting any help or counselling? Do you have support?

Im so sorry for you loss

I just wanted to say that fertility is not the same for everyone. Your easy conception could have been luck or it could be that you are still very fertile. When people talk about age and fertility they are talking about the average so it doesn't mean its always applicable to you.

I don't know if that's helpful or not but I just don't want you to think you can't try again if you feel ready

It’s not your fault. Hindsight can be an awful thing that skews our perception of what we would have done. If you’d have know the outcome, of course you would have acted differently. However, you did what you thought would be ok at the same.

I would also suggest SANDS as I find their support really beneficial. It’s likely they will have in person support meetings locally that you can attend. There is also something about talking to a group of other bereaved parents who really do understand in a way that so many are incredibly lucky not to.

Remember as well that even if you had sought help with an infection, it might not have been enough.

So awful OP. This wasn't your fault at all. There's nothing the hospital could of done to prevent this from happening.

Oh sweetheart. This wasn’t your fault. I am so sorry

I went through three pregnancy losses, the furthest along I was 13 weeks. When these happened, I always questioned whether there have been things I could have done differently. Please try and find peace knowing you have done what you can,
and what you believe is the best.

Not sure I am getting across what I want to say, but just want to reassure this is not your fault and some things are meant to be that way. Take care

Oh, I am so sorry.

What a dreadful loss of your poor darling baby.

It isn’t your fault, you sought advice and you followed that advice.

You were a good Mummy to your baby, but were struck with bad luck, and sometimes however good we are as mummies we just can’t beat things going wrong in nature / biology.

Hindsight is the cruellest of views. You followed the advice from experienced professionals.

Grieving comes hard.

I know, a million times know, that nothing can make up for the loss of your first baby.

But… if you want to try again… there is hope. I had my first at 43 and many MNers the same.

Sending love and strength.

I am so so sorry for your loss.

This was a terribly tragedy. It was not your fault.

I was in a maternity ward on bed rest from 28wks for two months and while there sadly I met quite a few woman with similar experiences to your’s. It is really not your fault. Those markers in your blood could be anything. I am sorry you may never know what happened but there could easily have been something not quite right with baby’s development and absolutely nothing to do with you.
Your pain is very raw at the moment so please be kind to yourself.
If you are seeking older mum success stories I have plenty of those. My friend’s step mum fell pregnant unexpectedly and naturally for the first time at 52. My landlord fell pregnant naturally and unexpectedly at 48.

So sorry OP. It wasn't your fault. I hope you find some peace

Op can I just add - your discharge was not unusual for pregnancy. As you said you had bled. Brown and tinged with pink is just old blood and new blood. I bled on and off during pregnancy and had similar. I was shocked how much it seemed to be ok to bleed during pregnancy. I also started labour around 22 weeks. And what I did when I started contradictions is exactly what you did. I rested. For whatever reason this baby was sadly not to be - but there was nothing you could have done differently. It was not your fault.

Oh OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss .
This does not sound like your fault at all. It's natural to want answers but you should definitely not blame yourself. Your last paragraph really stuck out for me that whilst you're going through just an incredibly difficult time, you're wishing others well who are going through dark times too. What a kind, caring lady you are.
As a side note, should you need to post again, under 'topics' there is a 'body and soul' section where you will find a bereavement page - it doesn't matter where you've posted, I'm just letting you know there is a separate bereavement page if you need support on there.
I cannot imagine what you're going through but I hope that you get the support you need and deserve and that you can be reassured that this wasn't anything you did or didn't do - just a very heartbreaking outcome.

Please take care and look after yourself. x

I know what you mean about the guilt @JunieS. That feeling that if you had done something different, then the outcome would be different. I too have felt that following a stillbirth. I still feel it a few years later. But I am much more accepting that actually it's not my fault. My baby died. My heart broke. My world changed. It is easy for people to say it is not your fault. It is not easy to acknowledge and accept that. But time will help you to grieve and to hopefully see you did your best for your baby. You gave them everything. You will always give them everything. It's just a different everything to the one we envisaged and would want. But my baby was the best thing that ever happened to me. I grew them. I had them in my body and I will always have them in my heart. Your baby made you a mummy. The greatest gift they could give you. You made your beautiful baby and will love them your whole life, just as they loved you for theirs. Huge hugs to you and your family

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes absolutely horrific things happen in life for no reason at all. I do not see how you're to blame.

Sorry if I missed this in your OP but do you need answers to some questions about what if X and Y? If so I hope the hospital will be investigating whether anything could have made a difference in terms of their own advice/assessment.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I sympathise with you. I was pregnant but didn't know … during this time when I was unknowingly pregnant I had two (yes two!!) burst ear drums. I was completely dosed up on two different antibiotics, ibuprofen 600mg and co-codamol 30/500mg. A few days after this I found out I was pregnant (around 9 weeks). I miscarried at 13 weeks. Being a pharmacist I know that ibuprofen can cause issues early in pregnancy and I 100% blame myself for causing it. I wouldn't have taken the medicines if I'd known. Just like you wouldn't have avoided getting checked out if you'd know it might cause problems. We aren't inherently irresponsible people, we just didn't know. Sending you much love x

Hey OP. I am so, so sorry for your loss.I lost my twins at exactly the same age. I didn't even realise I was in labour or that the weird discharge was the mucus plug starting to come.

I was also told that it was essentially inconclusive- the babies were both totally healthy and perfect - but it was probably that I had an infection. I have struggled so much with the "what ifs". What could I have done differently. Why didn't I notice x or why did I do something that could have triggered this.

There are no answers... but... realistically, even if you had guessed something was wrong, and forced your way to see someone at hospital - the result would have probably been the same. That is what I try and remind myself. They dont look for signs of term labour.

You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault. Even of they had been checking everything, there is a good chance the outcome would be the same.

It is awful. Arranging the funeral. Feeling like it is your fault. But... it is just chance. Rubbish, cruel chance.

If you want to PM me please do.