Normal or do I need help?

[madeuplovesong44]

I gave birth to twins three weeks ago and already have two children 21 months and 6. I feel really lucky to have four beautiful kids but I'm starting to worry that I just can't cope.

I have a diagnosis of bipolar and have been sectioned many times in the past so I am wary of telling the truth of what is going on in my head in case people over react.

The twins feed every hour through the night so I am exhausted. The house is a tip and I have no time for my big two. I feel trapped and overwhelmed and my life is going to be a permanent struggle. I'm not sure I am good enough for my children.

I feel extremely anxious about the babies. I see extremely distressing scenes play out in my head where they get hurt. I'm frightened to leave them.

As I write this I know it's perhaps not normal but I don't know what to do.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, health issues aside. Very hard work looking after a big family, and twins. big soft play places with DC of different ages can be hell on earth. And toddlers around babies, argh!

I get why it's annoying that healthcare people suggest you switch to formula, and the strong desire to bf as its healthiest for babies, but they will be suggesting it because your health and wellbeing is really important too. using bottles for one or both twins would mean your H could do some night feeds and you could get some regular sleep, which would be good for your health and might make it easier to keep going.

Sometimes I put so much pressure on myself to do everything "right" for the DC: this hasn't helped my MH, physical health or making good choices. Or indeed my overall parenting! with DC1 I got so tired (I thought I needed to just keep going) that we were nearly run over a couple of times when I wasn't paying attention, I nearly spilled hot water when holding the baby etc. or have been ratty with the DC.

DC don't all need to have exactly the same to thrive. I stopped bf much earlier for DC1 than DC2 for various reasons, and childcare wasn't great for DC1 either for a while, beat myself up about it, even now sometimes, but several years on DC2 is absolutely OK and DH helps me see this!

Hi, I do parenting stories for a paper in Manchester and have today shared this brave mum's battle with PND. Thought some of you may want to read it. Thanks
www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/family-kids-news/postnatal-depression-one-mums-battle-10724657