Normal or do I need help?

[madeuplovesong44]

I gave birth to twins three weeks ago and already have two children 21 months and 6. I feel really lucky to have four beautiful kids but I'm starting to worry that I just can't cope.

I have a diagnosis of bipolar and have been sectioned many times in the past so I am wary of telling the truth of what is going on in my head in case people over react.

The twins feed every hour through the night so I am exhausted. The house is a tip and I have no time for my big two. I feel trapped and overwhelmed and my life is going to be a permanent struggle. I'm not sure I am good enough for my children.

I feel extremely anxious about the babies. I see extremely distressing scenes play out in my head where they get hurt. I'm frightened to leave them.

As I write this I know it's perhaps not normal but I don't know what to do.

Thank you so much. This has really been a comfort today. My CPN is back tomorrow, guess she was concerned this morning. My hubby said he is really worried to.

I had got to a place where I thought I would be able to fight off suicidal thoughts and not let myself slide but my head has other ideas. The anxiety over something terrible happening to my girls is just too overwhelming. Then the thoughts of suicide creep in. I know I don't want to die. I want to raise my children with love and grow old with my darling husband but I can't take the torment in my head. I just want some peace.

Been to gp too as it seems I have an infection from my c section. Guess that won't be helping.

I'm so glad you've got a great group of supportive people around you. Was worried about you last night but I think getting on top of this is going to be really positive for you.

Thanks Enn. I certainly feel more rational than I did through the night. Just wish I was looking forward to some sleep tonight.

Oh madeup an infection will definitely not help. Poor you!

I'm glad you have people around to support you.
And I really hope you get a better nights rest.

On a very different note, I'm secretly impressed at your coherence in writing on so little sleep! I can barely get a sentence uttered when I'm knackered, totally off track here

An infection too - blimey

• that always mucks up the way one thinks. I hope that the few hours sleep u get tonight are deeply restorative. I swear by putting a crystal under my pillow - I find it makes me sleep deeper. But feel

Free to ignore ;) x

What is scary is how relentless this is. I can't see an end point to the tiredness. I can't even picture a situation where I will be on my owN. Maybe I should have forseen this, I just had no idea how overwhelming it would feel.

Does this time of day tend to be the worst for you?

I don't know about you but my brain plays horrible tricks about depression being forever and despair having no possible end when I'm feeling bad, and sleep deprivation can only be making things worse. If this time of day is bad every night, could your CPN help you make a plan for how to deal with the 3am horrors?

I wish I could just switch of my thoughts through the night. The twins and my other daughter are all awake but I feel so alone.

Wish you the best today. Are you seeing anyone MH related?

It does sound very lonely.

My CPN is back this morning but will just push drugs and formula at me so don't really want to see her. She is away on holiday after today so her threat of hospital won't hold much weight as she isn't going to be around for a couple of weeks.

I'm on my own with the little three this morning then have eight out of town distant family visitors this afternoon. I haven't got the energy to shower let alone clean the house ready for them. Could cry.

8 visitors!! Crikey that's enough to make me feel like crying right now! Kudos to you

I'm sorry you had another rubbish night sleep wise.

Just tell your CPN you'll think about it whilst she on holiday, that you feeling pressured into a decision not ready to make/discuss.

Don't even worry about the house. As long as you have enough clean mugs for tea/coffee. Get them to make it when they arrive AND if you feel comfortable with them around, go have a shower when they get here. Let them coo over little ones that's who they really here to see anyways.

I hope they bring

Eight! Sending you strength. I'm sure nobody expects a pristine house with two tiny babies.

It's funny, six of the eight have never even been to my house before and I don't see from one year to the next. They are certainly just coming for the babies. My parents arranged it so there was no backing out.

I'd normally love this and have knocked up some cake etc but I'm sitting in my dressing gown staring at Mr bloody tumble and the big kids aren't even in this room. I'm just too tired.

Are your parents going to be there?

If so, they can bloody well entertain them whilst you grab an hours nap and a shower!!

Have a wee hug from me. Honestly if you were anywhere near me I'd come for a "visit" - code for make you go for a sleep

How'd today go madeup?

Was very very teary with my CPN, felt like I totally lost control. Feel sick with worry that she is now away which is ridiculous as I complain how unhelpful the service is! Just feel like I can't cope and I need help.

Survived the visitors, my parents and siblings came too which boosted the numbers further but they all entertained each other so I could quietly continue the feeding and nappy changing cycle!!

Desperate for a few good hours kip. Please sleep children!!!!

Aww

Has your CPN arranged any contacts for you whilst she's away on holiday?

Can you keep coming back here to say how your doing? Just whilst she's away?

I'm glad the visitors entertained themselves. But oft, well done again on hosting that many people (plus surprise visitors!) I'm dreading the revolving door of visitors but that's cos I'm such an unsocial sod and hate my wee house being overrun by people

Please sleep, made up's children!

Twin 1, 10, 12, 2, 4 and twin 2, 10, 1, 3 so far. Toddler in at 12.30. My eyes are on fire they are so desperate to close!

Other than tearing your hair out with exhaustion how are you feeling?

Someone needs to invent the twinchroniser.

My thoughts are a bit more positive than the other day thanks Ennn. I know suicide can't be an option, I have to cope and make this work. Husband back at work Monday which is a big worry.

How long have you got to go comeagain? X
Are you a night owl or maybe not living in the UK? Whatever the reason, thank you for the night time responses!

Argh, MN ate my post

Glad you're starting to feel a little less desperate. Are you still hoping to avoid having to go back on APs?

I'm in the UK and a night owl, not sleeping much ATM as am a bit high (AD reaction).

I hope DH's going back to work doesn't add too much strain - I guess you already do all the feeds, at least, though. Has your CPN made any useful suggestions?

Morning!

Aw I'm so glad you thoughts are a bit better.

But yes a twinchroniser is sooooo needed! Fabulous new word Ennn (going to be singing it in my head today, like some cheesy advert ha ha ha)

I'm only 24 weeks. Got AGES yet! I'm also UK.

Just for the record I've never been on meds for depression. But I am an icu nurse and see first hand the effects of sleep deprivation and need for AD in my long term patients. I have no MH training but it upsets me when I see (in this case read about) people struggling with their thoughts. But I tend to be practical in my thinking so just tell me when I'm being too practical! I won't take offence

I'm also a chatterbox and/or should take up writing, learn to be more succinct one of the above!!

Have a good day x

Hope you have a good night 44.