Page 6 | Parents: if you had one day of your pre children life back, how would you spend it? Please keep it lighthearted

Grommmm · 2023-06-27T18:05:51+00:00

I love my kids, the baby and the toddler. They are beautiful, funny, joyful and life enhancing. But they are also exhausting and consume all our time, money, worry and attention!! Looking back I can’t believe how much freedom, energy and spare cash (relative) we had before we had kids but also that we didn’t really realise what we had and make the most of it before having them. The pandemic was partly to blame for this, as it shut down a lot of opportunities to do things like travel. Oh to have one day, or even half a day a month without my kids and the associated worry and tiredness and with some of the energy and free time I used to have back. Would I write a novel, have a day long bath, learn a new instrument, just spend all day reading in a coffee shop??? What would you do? Caveat - you can’t spent it doing kid-admin or cleaning the house or any sort of catching up - this is a day from your old life when kid-admin didn’t exist and your whole house wasn’t covered in pasta sauce and nappies. Second caveat - I know having kids is a huge privilege and lots of people would give anything to have them. This discussion isn’t about that, hence using childfree not childless. It’s just a lighthearted chat about how even though kids are wonderful, you still give up a lot when you have them and wouldn’t it be nice to get just a little bit of it back occasionally.

Maztek · 27/06/2023 23:01

I would go day drinking with my husband and then sleep for 18 hours.

Butchyrestingface · 27/06/2023 23:02

BadLad · 27/06/2023 22:52

We childfree truly are life’s failures. We can’t even do being childfree as well as people with children can do it.

I do try, truly. But unfortunately my hectic, gallivanting job does not pay sufficient to allow a leisurely pootle around the entire Indian subcontinent on a whim. .

Furthermore, the pets appear not to have received the memo that my childless state, handled correctly, should translate into endless lolling around the fainting couch, quaffing champagne, smoking a fat cigar and writing "Memoirs of a non-stop odyssey of hedonism and self-gratification". I might show them this thread.

Sometimeswinning · 27/06/2023 23:13

Does the op not mean before we had children, that lifestyle was pretty much wasted? I don't think it's a dig at people who are childfree by choice.

Some people who are apparently really happy are very sensitive!

Catchasingmewithspiders · 27/06/2023 23:56

BadLad · 27/06/2023 22:52

We childfree truly are life’s failures. We can’t even do being childfree as well as people with children can do it.

Thats because we aren't able to feel true happiness and real love of course

ItsNotRocketSalad · 28/06/2023 04:29

Not only are we incapable of Real Love but when parents make threads about us we have to stay away and let the Real Women talk, or else we're spoiling their fun and we have main character syndrome!

Blankspace4 · 28/06/2023 04:40

@BadLad spot on 🤣🤣

@ItsNotRocketSalad (love the username) indeed

What a smug, patronising thread, even if it wasn’t intended that way for those who are child free not by choice

Goldencup · 28/06/2023 04:45

WeWereInParis · 27/06/2023 19:12

DH and I would go on an really long hike, then come home and relax with a nice meal and a film.

DD1 is 4 and a good walker but obviously can't do huge distances, and DD2 is 13 months so at the moment our walking is restricted to pram suitable routes.

Won't make you childfree again, but what about a sling/ carrier ?

Original poster

Grommmm · 28/06/2023 06:43

Blankspace4 · 28/06/2023 04:40

@BadLad spot on 🤣🤣

@ItsNotRocketSalad (love the username) indeed

What a smug, patronising thread, even if it wasn’t intended that way for those who are child free not by choice

@Blankspace4 @ItsNotRocketSalad @BadLad @Catchasingmewithspiders

Why is it though? If you read my actual first post I set it up as a thread for people with kids to talk about things they would do if they had ONE day without them, but with the benefit of hindsight so they’d understand how valuable that ONE day would be to them. It’s about how things like - being able to spend a little in bit of time doing what you want - become more valuable once they are no longer so accessible to you.

That’s not patronising or mean to intentionally or unintentionally childfree people. If I say I’d spend my one day in the bath reading that doesn’t mean I think that’s how childfree people spend all their days and that they don’t have to go to work and do taxes or go on holidays?!? I’ve not said anything about children teaching you the meaning of love or making you a real woman or that life without them is meaningless. Just that life with them is a bit busier and that they eat up a lot of your time, energy and cash.

It’s literally a thread about the little pleasures that become harder to access once you have kids. Why is that so offensive?!? Im genuinely interested

OP posts:

Original poster

Grommmm · 28/06/2023 06:50

Catchasingmewithspiders · 27/06/2023 21:38

Apparently if you dont want kids one day of being forced to look after them, and taking them to Alton Towers is enough to make you see how fun it us.

See the JOY people, see the JOY

@Catchasingmewithspiders

But I didn’t say that did I?

I said…

”A similar comparison might be to ask people who didn’t have kids and don’t want them how they would spend just one day with kids. If someone replied that they’d do a full day of Alton Towers, candy floss and cuddles, CLEARLY they wouldn’t mean that this is what they thought the whole of parenting consists of. They’d just be talking about how they’d spend one fun day with some kids.”

That is very clearly not saying that one day with kids is enough to make people who don’t want them change their minds. Or that people should be forced to look after kids. It is saying that if people who don’t want kids were asked a similar question to the one I posed in my OP - aka how would they spend one day with kids - they would probably pick a really fun sounding day, rather than choosing a day where they have to nit-comb a wriggling three year old, or wipe up calpol streaked sick or do a five hour breastfeeding marathon.

OP posts:

Nooneknowswhatgoesonbehindcloseddoors · 28/06/2023 06:56

I am child free and love the company of friends who are parents as I am close to some of their children.

I have often thought that communal living might be ideal for some (not me as I value solitude) where kids are raised by a group leaving parents with a degree of freedom with which to pursue their interests or just chill out.

I love the title of the thread - very clever. And true.

Homeywomey · 28/06/2023 07:18

Oh my goodness there are a lot of defensive people on this thread taking it far too seriously!!! 😂😂 OP I get exactly what you mean, although my life is better in other ways now and I wouldn’t change my children for the world, with hindsight there are certain things I would appreciate more pre kids - that I took for granted, like the worry free nights out I mentioned previously…

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 28/06/2023 07:27

Well I'm 43 and my 6 children are almost grown up (youngest is 15) so I have been steadily getting more and more childfree time and I love it.

Mainly enjoy working more and walking the dogs, but I love how I can be spontaneous if I want to go out.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 28/06/2023 08:03

Grommmm · 28/06/2023 06:50

@Catchasingmewithspiders

But I didn’t say that did I?

I said…

”A similar comparison might be to ask people who didn’t have kids and don’t want them how they would spend just one day with kids. If someone replied that they’d do a full day of Alton Towers, candy floss and cuddles, CLEARLY they wouldn’t mean that this is what they thought the whole of parenting consists of. They’d just be talking about how they’d spend one fun day with some kids.”

That is very clearly not saying that one day with kids is enough to make people who don’t want them change their minds. Or that people should be forced to look after kids. It is saying that if people who don’t want kids were asked a similar question to the one I posed in my OP - aka how would they spend one day with kids - they would probably pick a really fun sounding day, rather than choosing a day where they have to nit-comb a wriggling three year old, or wipe up calpol streaked sick or do a five hour breastfeeding marathon.

Show quote history

If women who dont want children were asked what they would do if they had to spend one day with them they would probably wonder how they got stuck with babysitting again, in a world where some parents act like childfree women are service human beings for parents, or unnatural women who require re-education into how shit their life is without children.

If you don't want children and potentially dont like children then the equivalent of a parent getting a childfree day is not a "fun" day out at alton towers!

As for your other question where part way through you assume life is automatically busier for parents than childfree people, I know childfree people who are childfree because they are disabled or they are caring for a relative or partner who is disabled. And after witnessing a particularly vicious thread recently where an OP was caring for her disabled husband for years but was still berated for not having a high flying job and earning loads of money, because she should have soooo much more time than a parent it's also a bit tiring to see another thread where the assumption is childfree=loads of time of waft.

You say you havent seen the nasty threads about childfree people on MN. Im amazed because there are loads of them and they are frequent and particularly bad this year. Maybe if you occasionally dipped into then you would see the utter derision childfree women are treated with by some posters on here, because they aren't real women.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 28/06/2023 08:05

ItsNotRocketSalad · 28/06/2023 04:29

Not only are we incapable of Real Love but when parents make threads about us we have to stay away and let the Real Women talk, or else we're spoiling their fun and we have main character syndrome!

I guess with all that spare time it does give us more opportunities to get that qualification in being professionally offended

Nordicrain · 28/06/2023 08:06

Agree with others, the grass is always greener and you'll miss this time. Just as you now miss your childfree days.

But I do know what you mean. I think I would exercise loads, eat out loads and go on holiday.

Oopsiedaisyy · 28/06/2023 08:07

I'm divorced and have 50% co parenting with my ex.... Oh its fab! Have a new DP with same arrangement, spending summer going to festivals and travelling

nancy2022 · 28/06/2023 08:08

Mumtothreegirlies · 27/06/2023 21:02

we had our first at 18 so never really got to have an adult life. Now they’re 10,13 and 17 and we suddenly feel free and have to remind ourselves that we’re still parents.
honestly the time goes by SOOOO fast and before you know it you’ll miss some of the hecticness of having little ones.

That's strange how you feel free when you have two under 13. Mine are 11 and 13 and I wouldn't describe it as that.

PompomDahlia · 28/06/2023 08:21

It’s definitely not wasted on me. I enjoy waking up at weekends and sitting in the garden with a coffee and relaxing whilst I hear my neighbours with young kids dealing with constant tantrums. I go on amazing holidays - safaris, city breaks, trips where I can sit on sun loungers and read for ages. DH and I will have dinner in the garden with candles. I have freedom after work to go for walks or pop to the shops. But I do resent the implication that life is all frivolous - I’ve dealt with some awful family illness over the past few years

Original poster

Grommmm · 28/06/2023 08:23

Catchasingmewithspiders · 28/06/2023 08:03

If women who dont want children were asked what they would do if they had to spend one day with them they would probably wonder how they got stuck with babysitting again, in a world where some parents act like childfree women are service human beings for parents, or unnatural women who require re-education into how shit their life is without children.

If you don't want children and potentially dont like children then the equivalent of a parent getting a childfree day is not a "fun" day out at alton towers!

As for your other question where part way through you assume life is automatically busier for parents than childfree people, I know childfree people who are childfree because they are disabled or they are caring for a relative or partner who is disabled. And after witnessing a particularly vicious thread recently where an OP was caring for her disabled husband for years but was still berated for not having a high flying job and earning loads of money, because she should have soooo much more time than a parent it's also a bit tiring to see another thread where the assumption is childfree=loads of time of waft.

You say you havent seen the nasty threads about childfree people on MN. Im amazed because there are loads of them and they are frequent and particularly bad this year. Maybe if you occasionally dipped into then you would see the utter derision childfree women are treated with by some posters on here, because they aren't real women.

Show quote history

It sounds like you’re linking together your (legitimate) annoyances at some of the other threads running on mumsnet and discharging them here. There may be other threads deriding childfree women or talking about using them for babysitting, but this isn’t one of them. So why bring the fight here where nobody is attacking you?

Re the point about childfree people being less busy. That isn’t what I say. I compare my life and other peoples lives before and after having kids, and say things get busier after kids. Which is surely almost universally true, unless you’re lucky enough to give birth to an extremely self sufficient child.

I think you’re reading an attack on childfree people or a comparison between childfree people and parents into this thread when it just isn’t there. Perhaps my fault because of the title but It’s not comparing childfree vs parents, it’s comparing life before and after kids.

OP posts:

ButImNotOldEnough · 28/06/2023 08:29

The bonus to having children means I’ve discovered the joy of waking up early. I used to sleep til 10-11am and didn’t realise I was wasting half my day. If I had a child free day I would wake up early, go for a long hot shower entirely undisturbed, I’d eat whatever I wanted for breakfast and have a coffee in peace. Then I’d go for a trip out somewhere, don’t particularly care where but having two kids with ASD it’s impossible to even go to the local country park anymore and I so very badly miss being able to just go out somewhere.

I have OCD where I’m convinced any kind of longing for a child free day will cause their early demise so I’m adding the caveat that I’d be extremely happy to have them home at the end of the day too!

ThisIsACoolUserName · 28/06/2023 08:38

If women who dont want children were asked what they would do if they had to spend one day with them

Not the point of the thread, but I'm trying to think what I'd do with this day! It's tricky.
I don't stick rigidly to my 'adult' box, so still do whatever child-like activities take my fancy. For instance, I still go rock-pooling on holiday, and on a recent trip to the seaside I forced my DH to go crabbing with me (I'm 39!) ! I also spend a lot of time in parks already because I have a dog.
Maybe I'd take a child to one of those ice cream parlours, that I've never stepped foot in, to see their joy at eating a really huge, disgusting ice cream!

Catchasingmewithspiders · 28/06/2023 08:45

Grommmm · 28/06/2023 08:23

It sounds like you’re linking together your (legitimate) annoyances at some of the other threads running on mumsnet and discharging them here. There may be other threads deriding childfree women or talking about using them for babysitting, but this isn’t one of them. So why bring the fight here where nobody is attacking you?

Re the point about childfree people being less busy. That isn’t what I say. I compare my life and other peoples lives before and after having kids, and say things get busier after kids. Which is surely almost universally true, unless you’re lucky enough to give birth to an extremely self sufficient child.

I think you’re reading an attack on childfree people or a comparison between childfree people and parents into this thread when it just isn’t there. Perhaps my fault because of the title but It’s not comparing childfree vs parents, it’s comparing life before and after kids.

Show quote history

Given multiple people have "misread" the thread in the same way do you not think it's possible that maybe blase comments about how much busier parents are, how much fun childfree people would have on a day with children, and how nice it would be to live as a childfree person for a day with no responsibilities maybe aren't hitting quite the note you think they are.

Just for clarity Im not childfree by choice. Im childless and I have a niece living with me so if anything I have more in common with parents than with childfree by choice people. (although no doubt if the thread goes on long enough some parent will be along to tell me it not the same).

Im just tired of the assumptions made about childfree women. And you pretending that all your little comments on here dont feed into the same narrative doesnt make it true.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 28/06/2023 08:49

I don't think you meant any offense at all by your post OP. It's clear what you're asking people. I just think it's the title that grates.

To think that childfreeness is wasted on the childfree

You were never 'childfree' - as it's now commonly defined (for better or worse) - i.e., someone who has chosen to never have children.

A better title would have been: 'The freedom I had before becoming a parent was wasted on me'.

EmeraldFox · 28/06/2023 08:59

STARCATCHER22 · 27/06/2023 19:36

Then the title of the post should be “to think that childfree life was wasted on me” and not being childfree people into it.

It’s clearly a thread intended for parents to pat themselves on the backs about how busy they are and how frivolous and empty the lives of childfree people are.

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Unless you have a baby straight from school then all parents were previously childfree.

Coral569 · 28/06/2023 09:06

I see where you're coming from! As someone who regrets having a child and would love to go back in time, I think about this a lot (although yes perhaps your thread could have been worded a bit better to avoid the pile-on).

My friends without kids go to the gym or an exercise class whenever they feel like it. They get up in the morning and go for a walk on the beach before work. They go to the pub and stay there as long as they like. They can stay up late with no concerns about being woken up at the crack of dawn. They can go to a party or event without having to scramble for a babysitter. They can sit and read a book without being disturbed. I think I'm most jealous of how spontaneous they can be and wish I'd appreciated that more before I had a child.

However - the friends without kids have have watched some of us have them, and they laugh and find it very amusing and tell us how watching us do it has put them off even more. So I think they really do appreciate what they have.