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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Note from MNHQ: please note OP's post @ 19.08 on 22 Jan. The OP has admitted this is a reverse but we are leaving this thread up so they continue to receive advice. Inheritance money - AIBU to be p*ssed off?

546 replies

snoozum · 21/01/2023 02:38

What should my FIL do?
Background: my DH's parents divorced when he was a child, and years later FIL met and married his second wife. Second wife had two small children already, who called FIL "dad", although they were not his by blood. After 25 years of marriage, FIL and his second wife divorced fairly acrimoniously. The divorce courts ruled that FIL and ex-wife #2 must split their assets 50:50, with FIL allowed to keep anything that was his before the marriage. FIL worked extremely hard throughout the marriage and financially contributed massively more, with the ex-wife only working full-time for around 5-6 years. FIL was able to stay in the matrimonial home by paying ex-wife #2 50% of its value. Fast-forward 5 years and ex-wife #2 passed away without a will. The son of ex-wife #2 struggled with her death and so his children (his own wife had died a few years previously) went to live with FIL (their grandfather) temporarily. However, before any inheritance was claimed, the son also died. Ex-wife #2 died with most of the money she received in the divorce, in the bank. The ex-wife #2's daughter, who doesn't have children, has therefore inherited all of ex-wife #2's money, which in reality is pretty much all of my FIL's money. My FIL is now bringing up the grandchildren, therefore my DH and my FIL's thoughts are that the daughter should give all of this money back to FIL. However, she has only given back 50% of it. AIBU to think she should give FIL 100% of it, as it was his money to begin with?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 21/01/2023 08:56

because they are family

That doesn't mean anything. People have no control over other people creating family members. You don't get to just pop out children and then expect your family to take responsibility for them. They are your responsibility only. If you want others to take responsibility, then you have to discuss it with them. There is zero obligation for "family" to take care of anyone other than their own children.

strumpert · 21/01/2023 08:56

Is your FIL claiming all he's entitled to?

Lndnmummy · 21/01/2023 08:56

Your SIL has been very gracious.

HikingforScenery · 21/01/2023 08:56

Aprilx · 21/01/2023 04:27

The sister was not remotely kind. She should not have taken the money that would have been the brothers in the first place, it doesn’t default to her, it defaults to his children. And she should have put it in trust for the children, not hand it over to FIL. She has done nothing good here. Nobody has. Nobody has done anything right by those children who cannot act for themselves.

Show quote history

The FIL has not done right by taking in the children of his stepson?

2023bebetter · 21/01/2023 08:57

So.

In the first instance op I think your fil needs to tread extra carefully and stop spending their money and put it into trust. .
And document everything because it doesn't matter what he " think's" ,it's the law.

I would also make sure if your DH is aware of figures that their inheritance from their dad is ring fenced in his dad's estates.

Because it could be claimed back

Bellalalala · 21/01/2023 08:59

renonovice · 21/01/2023 08:48

@Bellalalala I'm not sure how else to explain why I would feel responsibility for my orphaned nieces & nephews. That's our family dynamic & completely normal to me.

Their legal guardian has plenty of money. If it’s all tied up in the house, he could have chosen not to keep the house

We don't know if he has plenty of money or who decides what's enough. If my parents took in my nieces I wouldn't expect them to sell the family home to support them. Why should they?

Why does the kids being orphaned put financial responsibility onto their aunt? because they are family....I don't understand why this isn't obvious 😆

FIL has no obligation to raise the gc but I think it's right they are with family as opposed to in care don't you?

So you would feel responsible. Doesn’t means others should. Especially when terminally ill.

We do know he has plenty of money. the ex wife seemingly got a lot of money. He got more. And chose to keep the house at the divorce 5 years ago. unfortunately lots of people need to seek their family home upon divorce. He made a choice to keep it and be (apparently) cash poor. It’s not their family home. The ex wife made a different decision.

He now has half of the ex wife’s estate. Which again, seems to be a lot when it’s hers. But not when he has half of it.

Of the assets in the pot during the divorce he has over 75%. And now insisting on the last 25% of ‘his’ money. And his pensions.

So if the Aunt is financially comfortable….so is he.

BadNomad · 21/01/2023 08:59

renonovice · 21/01/2023 08:52

You're asking why did their father choose his family over his late wife's? Because it's his family I presume.

you lost me? The question was about blood relatives & whether they had any responsibility to contribute to the nephews? wouldn't other relatives also be their family?

The children's parents get to decide what happens to their children. The children's mother's family don't get a say in it. The children's father decided for his family (stepfather) to look after his children. So none of this means dying aunt is their only living relative and therefore responsible for the children.

Merlinsbeard83 · 21/01/2023 09:01

He isn't entitled to it .
If he is struggling he needs to see what benefits he gets for the children.
You all should not be harrasing a woman with a terminal illness.
You sound awful

Bellalalala · 21/01/2023 09:03

renonovice · 21/01/2023 08:55

But still don’t agree. Why would the kids need to go in care if the aunt doesn’t give her inheritance up?

I don't understand what you are reading in my posts. Where did I say if the aunt doesn't give up her inheritance the dc need to go into care.

Again, in my culture & what is normal for me is going into care wouldn't happen & all family would contribute in whatever why they can whether it's time or money etc to give the dc the best chance. There's a middle ground between no contribution& giving all of the aunts inheritance to the FIL, I never said she should do that.

Umm because you said

‘Even if I disliked my sibling, I wouldn't want my orphaned siblings going into care.’

These children don’t need to go into care. Or are you saying this comment about kids going into care is entirely unrelated to the thread?

Why would care, at this point be on the table? Only because the fil has said he only agreed to take them on under the assumption he got all (what he considers) HIS money back.

Surely you would just take the kids in, if that was to happen and there was no other family member.This Aunt can’t. It’s an entirely different situation.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 09:04

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

the post I replied was about the closest blood relative. He may have other family but it sounds like he was closest to FIL hence why he chose to live with them...

HikingforScenery · 21/01/2023 09:05

Poor kids . I Hope the FIL manages to claim what he needs to look after them. It can’t be easy having to look after children full time in one’s old age.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 09:05

@Bellalalala

I said that when replying to a post that said "Siblings often grow up to loathe each other. They are not responsible for each others dc"

Gardengirl108 · 21/01/2023 09:06

ShandaLear · 21/01/2023 03:31

So it’s his ex wife’s estate? Half to each of her children then as one has died that portion would go to his heirs - I.e. his children. 50% to the daughter and 25% each to her son’s kids. That’s correct. Your father has no claim on that money. It might be his morally, but legally he does not own it anymore. I don’t know why the children are with him though. Surely they should be with their mother or failing that, their aunt.

The children’s mother died before their father did.

2023bebetter · 21/01/2023 09:08

It doesn't matter what people think.
Sometimes that's a good thing and sometimes a bad thing.

But the law is what everything boils down too.

As bell said he now has 75 % of his assests back and he's going after the last 25%.

I can't help but feel these DC are being used because as bell said when he has it...it's not enough...when she has it....it's enough for him to want?

Bellalalala · 21/01/2023 09:08

renonovice · 21/01/2023 09:05

@Bellalalala

I said that when replying to a post that said "Siblings often grow up to loathe each other. They are not responsible for each others dc"

But no one mentioned care. Except you.

Not being responsible for a child doesn’t mean they end up in care. The children have a guardian. So, unless the fil is saying the aunt has to pay or they do go into care, it’s entirely irrelevant.

You made the conversation about responsibility and that meaning kids going into care.

JustAnotherDayWorkingAtHome · 21/01/2023 09:09

What is daughters will? Does she leave it to me I’ve and nephew? If she has terminal cancer she should make a will.

sounds like your FOL has had a fair settlement.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 09:09

But no one mentioned care. Except you.

plenty of posters have mentioned care on this thread. If the FIL didn't take them in where would they go?

JenniferBarkley · 21/01/2023 09:09

I imagine she thinks that as one of two siblings, it's fair that she inherits half of her mother's estate. She's right.

I hope if she's leaving any money to her nieces and nephews that it will be held in trust.

Hassling a terminally ill woman for an inheritance that's legally (and morally) hers is the lowest of the low.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 21/01/2023 09:10

snoozum · 21/01/2023 03:12

Apparently, a lot of the money made was from an investment fund set up by my FIL and his financial advisor. It hardly seems fair that this doesn't get returned in full to my FIL. Legally, it's completely above board, but morally I feel she should give it back to my FIL. MY FIL has texted his reasons to her re: how he feels but she is yet to respond her reasons for wanting to keep 50%.

He's trying to grasp back his terminally ill stepdaughters rightful inheritance that he has no right to? What a prick.

Bunnycat101 · 21/01/2023 09:10

The FIl has no claim to his ex-wife’s money and your outrage on his behalf is misplaced. The children do deserve their father’s share which the FIL could use to support their upbringing. Was there no life insurance etc for their care? It seems unlikely that there was nothing.

WeepingSomnambulist · 21/01/2023 09:11

What happened all of his money? He got to keep everything from before the marriage plus he got 50% of the marital assets. It sounds like the 50% is quite a lot.

Where did it all go? That other half isnt his. The sister giving him back half of her mother's money is enough, and that needs to go into trust for the kids.

If your FIL cant afford to raise him then he can apply to the trust for funds for that and claim everything he us entitled to from UC.

He cant spend all their money. He absolutely cant demand any more money from the daughter. It is actually disgusting that he is hounding a terminally ill woman for money which is not his no matter how you look at it.

And you and your husband... you're on the wrong side here and I bet you just want the money back in his pocket to increase your own inheritance.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 21/01/2023 09:12

WandaWonder · 21/01/2023 03:09

So you're annoyed that you think you will eventually get money you are not entitled too?

This is definitely what's happening here.

ArcticSkewer · 21/01/2023 09:12

Why has your father in law stolen the children's inheritance?

If you are in England, the money went from exmil to both her children then on the death of one of them (assuming not actually at the same literal second as his mother), his share went to his own children not to his sister.

Just because noone had got round to sorting out the inheritance properly by the time the son died, doesn't mean it wasn't part of his estate.

His sister had no right to give it to anyone other than the children, in trust, to be used either for their upbringing or adulthood or both.

renonovice · 21/01/2023 09:16

You made the conversation about responsibility and that meaning kids going into care.

No I didn't, I said in my family we would avoid care at all costs & all contribute to helping the dc how we can.

So you would feel responsible. Doesn’t means others should. Especially when terminally ill.

Yes I would feel responsible & no it doesn't mean others should, it's my opinion & as I said probably cultural. You don't feel siblings have to have responsibility which is fair enough.

He now has half of the ex wife’s estate. Which again, seems to be a lot when it’s hers. But not when he has half of it.

Of the assets in the pot during the divorce he has over 75%. And now insisting on the last 25% of ‘his’ money. And his pensions.

So if the Aunt is financially comfortable….so is he.

But this is all assumptions, we don't know. Maybe he is grabby, maybe the aunt has money from insurance or her own father.

As I've already said the ex wife was entitled to that 50%, the aunt is entitled to 25% of that. The FIL may only be taking the gc because he wants money. We don't know.

Starlitestarbright · 21/01/2023 09:20

Sounds like your wanting fil to get more money off the step dd so you get a bigger inheritance when your fil passes. I hope she spends it or ring fences it for her neice and nephew so you lot don't get your grubby hands on it.