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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset that daughter isnt allowed on school trip

149 replies

cutupmum · 09/07/2010 16:56

daughter was booked on orchestra trip abroad to leave on sunday. she didnt attend rehearsals for two weeks because asked by school head of sixth to stay at school all evenings and lunchtimes to make up home work instead which she did in the school library. school said she could not go on the trip this monday ( ie 6 days notice. ) and she was also not allowed to attend all the last minute rehearsals this week. No refund(£695) given by school and I was told she had 'scraped' her 10 A stars (she got 100% in some papers) Daughter has been to rehersals all the rest of this year and indeed the last 11 years.
Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt angry discarded and disgusted? Daughter has apologised for not informing music of her wherabouts in the school during the two weeks . form tutor did know. any advice. head is adamant she cant go.

OP posts:
grapeandlemon · 09/07/2010 17:40

This is absolutely outrageous, I really feel for you. Don't let this go.

I think the scraping A* comment is just, well insulting really.

Demand to meet with the head. I would actually take them to court if it were me.

Original poster
cutupmum · 09/07/2010 17:41

They (head of sixth) wouldnt let me see the music director ( said he was unavailable I didnt believe her)

two weeks missed before the exams then attended some then missed one

has attended all rehearsals for the rest of the year has played the pices with a county orchestra already in public

yes they argued she isnt prepared but I suggested she go on the trip and play in the two (out of four) ensembles she is prepared for

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 09/07/2010 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZZZenAgain · 09/07/2010 17:43

call the director of music at home. You know the name, can you find the number?

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/07/2010 17:44

I wouldn't just turn up on Sunday without sorting this out, it will be incredibly embarassing for you and your daughter if things don't work out.

Can you email the music director? He sounds like a twonk, mention seeking legal advice into the legality of his decision.

ZZZenAgain · 09/07/2010 17:45

if he is amenable to her going, perhaps as you said just playing what she is prepared for, call a governor and see if the governor is willing to intervene. There are mitigating circumstances here surely with her grandfather ill and she is academic and gneerally does well at school, has a good track record of attending rehearsals.

It would be a great pity to leave the school on this note

If you cannot get them to come around to it, yes you must absolutely clobber them for a full refund, at the very least really

Original poster
cutupmum · 09/07/2010 17:47

School were trying to help by insisting she do her homework before the exams whilst at school.
I cant just turn up on sunday I and daughter will just look disruptive and silly in front of the other girls and parents
I will email again but isnt getting legal advice just an empty threat really arent I powerless to actually change anything now?

OP posts:
UnholyMoley · 09/07/2010 17:48

I'm incredulous on your behalf, cutup

I was a teenage musician myself, and I remember there being a whole lot of competition between different areas of study - I was also into sports and I often felt like I was being pulled in several directions with different subject leaders vying for my time, not by offering incentives but by punishment when I couldn't fulfil every obligation.

Anyway, that explains why I'm cross on your behalf.

That's a huge amount of money to lose considering they are the ones that have made the decision to cut her out of the trip. It sounds horribly like it's too late to get her back on the trip now but I would be thinking about taking it much further in an attempt to get the money back somehow. Embarrass them in the local press, maybe?

Does she go to a specialist music college (cheetham maybe?) The musical directors of youth orchestras are often jumped little wannabes who get very precious about the commitment of the players, in my experience but I guess you know that already

Best of luck, and I sympathise greatly with your daughter. A musical director (of an out of school orchestra) managed to get me expelled from my school for non compliance to his ridiculous rules whilst on tour. Arsehole.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/07/2010 17:51

There is something called a Judicial review, this is basically a court looking into how a public body has reached a decision and whether they have taken into account all of the circumstances of the person who they have made the decision about. It won't change what has happened, it won't look good on the school though.

I would write about how unfair the decison was, then state the circumstances and the roles of the staff in the school regarding the events.

You could always try the media card.

abr1de · 09/07/2010 17:57

I am so fed up with this kind of attitude. My daughter is only 11 and a keen sports player and musician. We had comments about how she's missed PE lessons because she's had to go to music lessons. Sort it out, I want to scream. That's why we're paying to send her to your school. I'm not going to tell her, aged 11, that she has to choose between music and sport.

Original poster
cutupmum · 09/07/2010 18:04

Well I know the school has a point of course my daughter should have emailed the director of music and let him know the situation and then he wouldnt have got stressed and cross and of course she needs to learn this lesson of taking responsibility and communicating herself but you are right it is still a sad note for her to have in her penultimate year and I do think the whole situation has been extremely difficult at home recently and she has a fantastic track record.
It is the fact they are trying to undermine her track record which I find so distressing as well
I have the music directors mobile I will ring him

OP posts:
UnholyMoley · 09/07/2010 18:05

Good luck. Let us know how you get on.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/07/2010 18:08

I really do hope it goes well. Do mention all the home stresses to him, he must have a heart (somewhere)

abr1de · 09/07/2010 18:15

Good luck! Hopefully he's been feeling end-of-termish and grumpy and may have had time to reflect on this and be more reasonable.

PeedOffWithNits · 09/07/2010 18:19

I dont get the A* business - if she has just done exams surely they have not got the results yet? am confused

but certainly from what you say i see no reason for you to be out of pocket over this, even if there was good enough reason for DD not to go they ought to be able to refund some of the money

Dinkytinky · 09/07/2010 18:32

I'm so sorry about your situation but they cannot not refund this money!!!!

It's not an empty threat to take legal action, they can't enter into a binding contract with an under 18yr old!

Deffo phone this nasty man, apologise, ask if she can go again and if he says no say you'll be taking legal action unless you are refunded.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/07/2010 18:36

The contract is with you cutupmum. If they stop your child from going then they are breaking the agreement that you have with them. I doubt it says in the terms and conditions of the contract that your daughter will be unable to attend if she misses a certain amount of lessons. You will be able to take the school to the small claims court if you need to in order to recoup the money, you can then take her to Paris for a few hundred.

I hope it's gone OK.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/07/2010 19:06

Any news?

Original poster
cutupmum · 09/07/2010 19:08

No reply from music director to text or phone
Email from head sticking to her guns and also saying its all DD fault no fault of school at all. No mention of refund. No mention of family circumstances . Head still says its 'not fair on other girls' for DD to go.

This last is complete cobblers. What head really means is director of music isnt paying so feels he has nothing to loose by bumping dd off trip and is convinced that DD is a non compliant hussy

discouraged. depressed. disgusted.

OP posts:
belledechocolatefluffybunny · 09/07/2010 19:12

Keep calling, do number with held though. Look through the terms and conditions on the contract that you have with the school, if it doesn't mention the situation you are in now then you should legally get a refund.

Original poster
cutupmum · 09/07/2010 19:24

btw in answer to thehat and others

This is in the UK. dd got her 10 A stars last year. She has just done AS level exams
It is not a specialist music school. She has been at the school and in the orchestra for over 10 years. Had losts of academic prizes etc. A fantastic school I would have said if you had asked me three weeks ago. This is the first time there has been a query at school which hasnt resolved promptly and amicably and the first time she has ever been not allowed to do anything but its also the first time we have had a major family problem. She is 17. Applying to uni next term so of course we are all worried about her UCAS reference and distraught too about how this whole episode might affect that.

OP posts:
mumbar · 09/07/2010 19:54

for you and for your dd.

it does seem strange for them to decide NOW she can't go Sunday - knowing that its too late for you to do anything.

I'd keep ringing and it may be a long shot but can it be deemed as theft to take money and then not deliver the goods??? If so anything police can do??? It may be worth while calling the station and enquiring.

Best of luck and keep us informed??

Sanesometimes1 · 09/07/2010 20:05

Consult the citizens advise bureau - I;m pretty positive that you'll get your money back - if you have not signed anything that says "non attendance of rehersals could mean that you could loose place" etc. then your home and dry - sounds like the teacher has got issues and I woild also put a formal complaint on attitude ! - let us know how you get on - good luck x

SE13Mummy · 09/07/2010 20:23

Is there any way your DD can drum up the support of the majority of the orchestra? Presumably if she is the only one in this situation no-one else's nose will be out of joint if she's allowed to go along and if she has made an effort of her own to demonstrate that no-one else minds then the only thing the school need to do is to ensure that in subsequent years they include a clause in a pre-tour contract about attendance at rehearsals and about it being the student's own responsibility to inform the conductor of clashes.

I think getting the rest of the brass section on-side might be useful, especially the other trombone who may well want a companion! I can't imagine that a violin would be excluded (possibly because there are lots and they aren't nearly so loud as trombones if they make a mistake!) due to lack of preparation.

I can't help feeling the HoM should be taking a bit of responsibility for excluding your DD from this week's rehearsals - he has now contributed to her being unprepared and that does seem unkind She's probably learnt her lesson already and a better approach would probably be to exclude her from any exciting perfomances/solos next year instead of doing this. I do hope you get it sorted.

scaryteacher · 09/07/2010 20:29

If it's a private school, just withhold the cost of the trip from the fees next term, and if they complain, point out why, and that you are happy of course, to take them to court over it.