To be really quite sad at missing friends' wedding ceremony because of no children decree whilst I'm BF 5 week old?

[cfc]

I love wedding ceremonies, I would choose to go to the ceremony (be it Church, Registry Office whatever) over than the reception as I love to watch friends get married!

My friends (via hubby) are getting married when our LO will be 5 weeks old-ish at the end of the year.

They are having a Chinese ceremony and a Registry one too, which is exciting. It's an added bonus that it's a very culturally different wedding to those that I am used to.

DH spoke with the Groom a while ago, just off the cuff when they were out and about, and got the impression that we would be allowed to attend with the new baby - we're going to love an excuse to leave the first fella at home tbh, for the first time!! Eek! But the new one will be EBF, as its older brother was.

We've got the wedding invite now and there's a no children decree on the ceremony, which is fine by me. Anyone can decide to do what they like in their own weddings, I will go with the flow. But as DH had already made it clear, or so I thought, to the Groom that when you're BF a child it's hard to be away from it for any length of time, esp when the wedding is SO far from where we live.

I emailed Groom and asked him if this was still the case for us and he said that they've decided no kids at the ceremony but ok for reception. I replied, carefully making the point that the new baby will be here and I'll be BF but he just ignored this and chatted about other things we were talking about in the email too.

We can't bring anyone with us to hold the baby outside the RO whilst the ceremony takes place....we can't nip out to the ceremony leaving baby at home with an expressed bottle....so I think this means that we can only go to the reception - as we're not taking two cars.

This makes me SO sad. I've literally been telling everyone about this amazing Chinese/English wedding ceremony I'm going to at the end of the year and now I won't get the chance to see two lovely friends wed. We will of course go to the reception to help them celebrate their big day, but it won't be the same for me (DH prob won't care as long as he can get hammered with his friends the way they did on our wedding day!).

AIBU to be so sad at missing their ceremony? I really do think it's the most amazing part of the day!

What I really want is for them to trust me to being the baby and not have it ruin their ceremony/wedding video. The good thing about BF at that age is that a boob soon sorts little squeaks out! But they don't have kids yet, so don't know this I suppose and I am not going to push it.

Can't your DH look after you baby during the ceremony somewhere else?

Dh look after baby outside while you watch ceremony ?

I would ask again over the phone or in person not email and say how much you were looking forward to attending the ceremony and basically say what you have told us here. I can understand the no children thing for fractious toddlers and bored seven year olds running around etc but a bf newborn baby doesn't count really particularly as you well know, you can latch them on if they look like opening their mouths.

DH could mind LO outside whilst I watch them marry, but they are originally his friends you see. I've come to love them through him.

I think he wouldn't mind that, but I'd be sad for him. I'll ask him and see what he says, he might not care a jot. Like I said, he's more about the party than the marriage!

Thanks for your replies. I think I'm going to speak to the Bride soon so I might mention how disappointed I am and how sorry I am to miss her big moment.

God, i totally disagree with the above replies!

You have already emailed the groom, had your answer, enough already! YOu say you go with the flow and people are entitled to have whatever wedding they want. Well , they want no kids at the reception, no exceptions. And to ask for exceptions is just rude.

In my opinion you are being unreasonable. If you cant express sufficient milk to leave new baby over the entire wedding, just go for the reception, its a choice you need to make, not the bride.

I assume they don't have children, or know many? They probably have no idea of what a 7 weeks old is like. I'd be tempted to ignore it really, but it's too late now

I can see it from both sides tbh. They have asked for no children and i would be pretty annoyed if i had gone to the trouble of finding childcare to find a baby there anyway. They can and do make a lot of noise.

As a middle ground can you stay outside with baby and peep thru the window or sneak in after the bride and sit at the back and leave at the slightest squeak?

Sorry - 5 week-old (not 7, as I said before) - and they barely make a peep!. Other people with children would understand, wouldn't they ?(I would)

I could sneak in I suppose!

Nah, I think it's just going to be a case of us coming after the ceremony. I don't want to sit outside on a hard bench 5 weeks after having a baby waiting for the ceremony to be over in a draughty building in December.

I would express enough milk (I was a pro-donator last time) but the baby will be so young I didn't want to introduce a bottle so early, and my tits will quite frankly explode! I'd be so uncomfortable. I have previously thought about this.

If they're having a vid, I could watch it after the event which means at least I'll have seen it, which is better than nothing.

But I will tell the bride when I see/speak to her that I'm sorry I won't be able to make it, as they came to another country for our wedding!

Is the Chinese ceremony in the registry office ?

Registry office weddings only last about 15 mins so it won't be that bad to miss it and go straight to the reception. IME hardly anyone goes to the registry and loads go to the meal and the Chinese stuff is done there (unless it has been done privately at home earlier). I go to loads of Chinese weddings and I've never seen a chinese ceremony in the registry office. You need boiling water for one thing.

I totally agree with rupert22. If you are fond of these friends, then you will understand they have enough to do. Don't take it personally and enjoy the reception, it's their day.

Actually I took my dd and ds to my uncles wedding I felt so guilty when I saw a good family friend who was bf a 5week old there without her baby.

She said only family were allowed to bring children so she had expressed enough in advance and was pumping and dumping through the day.

This was a overnight stay too not only did I really respect her for making the effort to come but I felt really guity. It spoils the day when you are the only one with young children

PS. If they make an exception for one set of guests, imagine the hurt and offense given to others.

You have no right to try to railroad their wishes. Most people getting married will say that the worst part of the leadup to the day is that people think they can bully, beg, coherce, emotionally blackmail the couple to get them to do what THEY want, rather than what the couple wants.

I didn't want children at my wedding, I made that very clear from the outset - I had very very specific reasons for not wanting them there, I wanted to remove the queries about us having our own, and I wanted one day in my life when our fertility issues weren't going to be rubbed in our faces. I didn't make the request nastily - but it was something I really really was strong on, after giving in on so much else of the day.

A relative decided to completely ignore my wishes and essentially present me with a fait accompli of showing up baby in tow. I couldn't do anything about it then, for fear of making a scene, which is what they damn well knew would be the case. It really really did spoil a massive chunk of the day - meant I spent the day avoiding said baby (and subsequent pressure to hold it/awww aren't you having your own), and it gave my mother ammunition to turn around mid-wedding and tell me that she'd decided I should make her a grandmother ASAP.

That relative deciding that THEIR needs and wishes came above the people whose wedding it was (and my husband was 100% with me in that wish) did leave me with a very strong memory of my wedding day of my wishes being denied, my feelings being completely disregarded and me being made to feel like such a nasty person for how I was made to feel (no one likes being backed into a corner and railroaded) on the one day that should have been really special for both of us.

It's not something I'm going to forgive at all - as far as I'm concerned, I have no cousin now - I behaved civilly during the day, sent a thank you card like a person should - but I have no cousin, not after they decided to do that. I don't hold grudges lightly, I'm generally the world's biggest pushover, but I will never ever ever forgive that. Instead, my wedding is a memory of me trying to avoid the awww baby, and feeling completely and utterly cornered and almost violated.

It's THEIR day - you've spoken to them, they've made their wishes perfectly clear - I can't believe you'd even consider completely going against that after being specifically told no.

You really can't sneak in, that would be horribly rude when you have asked specifically. And don't ask the bride seperately, you've already spoken to the Groom. Saying how disappointed you are etc sounds little guilt trippy.YANBU to be disappointed, but as you say, their choice. If your DH is bothered and you so desperately want to see the ceremony then he can look after the little one while you watch.

We're in the same boat in Sept, our first child is due on a few weeks and some good friends are getting wed in early Sept so when the little one will be about 6 wks. The invited us knowing this (no reason for them to have remembered in the heat of organising a wedding though) so we emailed them a full list of options (ceremony no reception, evening only, reception not speeches etc) but they have said no children full stop. This is fine, although obviously I am disappointed as we would love to have gone it is completely their choice. We had children at our wedding last year, most of our friends lived locally and left children at home but the choice was there for them.

oh just turn up
they wont even notice

oh people will notice. we took 2 month old dd to a child free wedding - she and the bride's sister's newborn were the only children invited. all the guests flocked around the two babies, as they are such good ice breakers at a wedding where many guests dont know each other.

If you want to go that badly you will find a way.

Someone will notice if you bring the baby into the ceremony so don't do that.

No don't sneak in with the baby. Mine at 5 wks certainly did make more than a peep and it takes more than 10 seconds to get boob out and baby latched on. And 10 seconds of baby squawking at crucial vow saying time would ruin it for them.

They've said no, that's it. Yes you're sad you don't get to witness the ceremony. Imagine how sad they would be if your baby cried during their wedding ... the most important day of their lives so far.

And you've no idea how happily this baby will BF. They're all different.

"If you cant express sufficient milk to leave new baby over the entire wedding..."

Words fail me. 5 weeks. 5 weeks? They've barely cut the cord at 5 weeks. Don't sneak in, just have a quiet word and it may be that you have to miss the ceremony. But the attitude above is mad. To ask for exceptions is just rude? FFS.

She already has asked.
And got her answer. To ask again would be rude and so would be laying on a guilt trip.
It's their day. Their wishes are clear. Their wishes have to take precedence over yours.
Not everyone considers weddings to be about children, it's not the law FFS they are entitled to their own opinion about this.

If you can't go with baby in tow, and don't want to leave baby with someone else, then you can't go. Are people somehow surprised that having children can put a dampener on their social lives?

That sounds a bit harsh and it's not directed at you, OP, who sounds very reasonable about this, it's directed at those who huff over someones' wedding plans.

huff over other peoples' wedding plans.

(And if that apostraphe is rogue so be it)

Personally I wouldn't want to go to a wedding where my family was not welcome, friends or not. Just go to the reception.