To be really quite sad at missing friends' wedding ceremony because of no children decree whilst I'm BF 5 week old?

[cfc]

I love wedding ceremonies, I would choose to go to the ceremony (be it Church, Registry Office whatever) over than the reception as I love to watch friends get married!

My friends (via hubby) are getting married when our LO will be 5 weeks old-ish at the end of the year.

They are having a Chinese ceremony and a Registry one too, which is exciting. It's an added bonus that it's a very culturally different wedding to those that I am used to.

DH spoke with the Groom a while ago, just off the cuff when they were out and about, and got the impression that we would be allowed to attend with the new baby - we're going to love an excuse to leave the first fella at home tbh, for the first time!! Eek! But the new one will be EBF, as its older brother was.

We've got the wedding invite now and there's a no children decree on the ceremony, which is fine by me. Anyone can decide to do what they like in their own weddings, I will go with the flow. But as DH had already made it clear, or so I thought, to the Groom that when you're BF a child it's hard to be away from it for any length of time, esp when the wedding is SO far from where we live.

I emailed Groom and asked him if this was still the case for us and he said that they've decided no kids at the ceremony but ok for reception. I replied, carefully making the point that the new baby will be here and I'll be BF but he just ignored this and chatted about other things we were talking about in the email too.

We can't bring anyone with us to hold the baby outside the RO whilst the ceremony takes place....we can't nip out to the ceremony leaving baby at home with an expressed bottle....so I think this means that we can only go to the reception - as we're not taking two cars.

This makes me SO sad. I've literally been telling everyone about this amazing Chinese/English wedding ceremony I'm going to at the end of the year and now I won't get the chance to see two lovely friends wed. We will of course go to the reception to help them celebrate their big day, but it won't be the same for me (DH prob won't care as long as he can get hammered with his friends the way they did on our wedding day!).

AIBU to be so sad at missing their ceremony? I really do think it's the most amazing part of the day!

What I really want is for them to trust me to being the baby and not have it ruin their ceremony/wedding video. The good thing about BF at that age is that a boob soon sorts little squeaks out! But they don't have kids yet, so don't know this I suppose and I am not going to push it.

I think as well that it's best to mention it when you see your friend.

My experience of this with small BF babies is that people often don't understand that no baby = no show for the parent/s either. They may be under the impression that they have said no to baby so obviously you will get babysitter and will be there.

I am sure you won't do anything guilt-trippy (not sure why people think that) but I think you need to make sure they understand why you won't be there. I know that we have been in the position that we asked about BF baby, were told no, then had an angry and confused response when we RSVPd that we couldn't go

As long as people understand that when they exclude BF babies they are excluding some of their guests then that is fine IMO. It's just that sometimes they don't understand that. We have had threads on here where these rules have been applied to the best man's
wife and new baby, that sort of thing, and I do think that it's a shitty thing to do in those situations TBH. Don't insist on a baby free wedding if you can't cope with having the invitation declined by some of your friends/family.

emptyshell - why are you harping on?

cfc's said she's not going to take the baby to the ceremony, and will pop the baby in a sling to take photos at the reception - which the baby is invited to.

How is she still being unreasonable?

Blimey. I think I might come under emptyshell's "Contemptible" category. I just don't really see a tiny breastfeeding newborn baby as a "child", is all. I just wondered whether the bride and groom intended a "no child" ban to include newborns.

< adds contemptible to names I have been called on MN >

And cfc has not been U, though I am willing to concede I may have been

I had a child-free wedding, tbh mostly down to the fact that numbers were limited but also I didn't have children of my own then and we didn't have children in the immediate family..

Most of our friends were frankly extatic to get shot of their kids for a day and they had a fabulous time.

But we had a really rude response from a friend of ILs who tbh I don't even know that well along the lines of (in bold letters on the front of the card it read) "we will not come". and on the inside it said something along the lines of "as you have so rudely failed to invite our eight year old daughter we will not be attending your wedding. Weddings are family occasions and we regret that you have failed to see this." Tossers.

.

wannabe - that is rude - and as you say, many people I know (me included) have really enjoyed weddings without young children

Oh believe me, I will enjoy some time without DS1 who is a little madman!

I'm not harping on emptyshell to anyone. I'm certainly NOT harping on to the B&G. I think it'll be weird not to mention it when we see B next week, whether or not the RSVP is sent before we see her, which I think is a good idea. But I'll need to speak to DH about the logistics of going before we RSVP yay or nay.

As I've said (sigh) it could be that baby will feed in the car just before the ceremony and himself can drive around the area with the little one for an hour - but as he's known them forever, he might not be inclined to do this. Which is fair enough, tbh.

wannaBe - that's mad! I am not upset that baby isn't invited, that's absolutely fine. I'm sad that it'll mean, more than likely, that I'll miss two friends get married. That is all.

ANyway, it could all work out and it might even happen so that we can't go at all (I hope this isn't the case as it presumes something bad will have happened about the birth). So we will see.

Thanks again for all your replies, some great ideas there.

ps - I never said I'd bring the baby in a sling in order to sneak in or in order to persuade the bride to let us come as a couple...?! Where did that come from? I said it makes photography easier, baking too, washing up....pushing another pram....I won't try to persuade the bride to anything, I really won't. But to not mention our rsvp at all would come across weird I reckon. And not to say it's a shame we can't come, but we'll be there in spirit and see you at the venue is odd too - it's like emptyshell believes me expressing my regret at not being able to attend the ceremony (of limited places) is trying to twist B's arm in a guilt trippy way - whereas don't we all express regret when we can't attend something such as this?

That's shocking Wannabe.
Weddings are family occasions - yes, the B&G's family!

Am I the only one who thinks everyone saying you got your answer from the husband are wrong. He answered the email but not the specific question unless I misread the OP.

cfc - the sneaking in thing came from me - sorry some people have ascribed it to you ..........

I always amazes me how these threads can get out of hand when some people don't read the threads properly

I think in his unanswering of the question and the no kids on their invite was answer enough!

I just want to be sure that they understood that no BF newbie meant no us, which is fine if they do, it really is fine! I'd hate for them to say to us afterwards, God I wish you'd let us know that BF baby and mum can't really be seperated, we'd of course have wanted you there....because this is something I definitely wouldn't have known when I was childless.

Sure, like I said, it might work out that hubs can take baby for the hour (and I'll stock up on breast pads!!).

The thing that makes me so cross is that in the UK weddings are a public ceremony. So really anyone should be able to attend.

I totally understand if people don't want children at their reception, but I don't think anyone should be able to stop anyone attending the ceremony (unless you are Royalty or have other security risks). This all comes btw from the bigamy rules, and is the reason for the "....any just cause or impediment" line.

When I was a child, in th stone age, there were people who would just pop in to watch local weddings, and funerals

I just want to be sure that they understood that no BF newbie meant no us, which is fine if they do, it really is fine! I'd hate for them to say to us afterwards, God I wish you'd let us know that BF baby and mum can't really be seperated, we'd of course have wanted you there....because this is something I definitely wouldn't have known when I was childless.

that's what I thought. I was clueless about babies before I had them

SparkOfSense and StewiegriffithsMum - yes, manners, BUT I think that it's quite important that people planning church weddings don't imagine that actually they CAN'T control who comes into the church! At my g'parents church members of the congregation often attended weddings just because they liked to atend religious services and see people married in their church - probably fondly imagining it was a new member of the congreagtion / church, LOL. And they may well have brought children along.

It may be manners to respect the wishes of the Bride and Groom, and in any invitation I received I would do so. But the bottom line is that the B&G have no real right to restrict anyone fom the service, and it's also part of good manners to the church they marry in, and it's congregation that they remember that, before coming over all exclusive!

(I am not religious, or that keen on weddings)

YANBU for feeling a little sad.

You are being totally fucking unreasonable for thinking anyone should organise their wedding around you - and seriously, you can't leave your baby for 15 minutes?

sorry, I mean people planning weddings need to realise they can't control who comes into a church.

Mummytime - exactly. And people CAN attend weddings - it's just that the current fashion for highly managed expensive occasions has obliterated any thought of that right!

In the olden days people just got married during the normal Sunday morning service - as baptisms are done.

Me too. They have moved far far away from the meaning behind them (religious or not)

I took my 8wk old BF DS to my sisters wedding but chose to bottle feed as my dress was unsuitable for BF. Bub fed, good time had by all. Expressed when I got home, baby BF next feed.

I had a v hard time getting DS weaned from boob to bottle at 8 months (weaning necessary due to medication) and don't think one or two bottles will ruin DC for the breast.

Babies love those things and won't swap for a bottle easily IMO.

That's true Blu - but in this case cfc clearly likes her friends so wouldn't want to 'prove a point'.

YANBU to be sad, we ahd similar with ds3 and we missed the wedding too; it was dh's friend in actuality but it was miles away and we had planned it as our only break of the year so rather than me sat in a hotel (travel lodge) room all day with 3 kids we cancelled and went elsewhere.

It IS up to them but definitely not being U to be sad. Perrsonally I don;t get child free weddings but each to their own, I huess