To be really quite sad at missing friends' wedding ceremony because of no children decree whilst I'm BF 5 week old?

[cfc]

I love wedding ceremonies, I would choose to go to the ceremony (be it Church, Registry Office whatever) over than the reception as I love to watch friends get married!

My friends (via hubby) are getting married when our LO will be 5 weeks old-ish at the end of the year.

They are having a Chinese ceremony and a Registry one too, which is exciting. It's an added bonus that it's a very culturally different wedding to those that I am used to.

DH spoke with the Groom a while ago, just off the cuff when they were out and about, and got the impression that we would be allowed to attend with the new baby - we're going to love an excuse to leave the first fella at home tbh, for the first time!! Eek! But the new one will be EBF, as its older brother was.

We've got the wedding invite now and there's a no children decree on the ceremony, which is fine by me. Anyone can decide to do what they like in their own weddings, I will go with the flow. But as DH had already made it clear, or so I thought, to the Groom that when you're BF a child it's hard to be away from it for any length of time, esp when the wedding is SO far from where we live.

I emailed Groom and asked him if this was still the case for us and he said that they've decided no kids at the ceremony but ok for reception. I replied, carefully making the point that the new baby will be here and I'll be BF but he just ignored this and chatted about other things we were talking about in the email too.

We can't bring anyone with us to hold the baby outside the RO whilst the ceremony takes place....we can't nip out to the ceremony leaving baby at home with an expressed bottle....so I think this means that we can only go to the reception - as we're not taking two cars.

This makes me SO sad. I've literally been telling everyone about this amazing Chinese/English wedding ceremony I'm going to at the end of the year and now I won't get the chance to see two lovely friends wed. We will of course go to the reception to help them celebrate their big day, but it won't be the same for me (DH prob won't care as long as he can get hammered with his friends the way they did on our wedding day!).

AIBU to be so sad at missing their ceremony? I really do think it's the most amazing part of the day!

What I really want is for them to trust me to being the baby and not have it ruin their ceremony/wedding video. The good thing about BF at that age is that a boob soon sorts little squeaks out! But they don't have kids yet, so don't know this I suppose and I am not going to push it.

I would consider myself fairly dull if I couldn't enjoy a social occasion with my DH and close friends if their wasn't some dcs around. I didn't have anyy dcs at my wedding as I literally didn't know any. Does that mean my wedding was stuffy and nobody enjoyed themselves?

Seriously Meglet? You'd ditch friends because they want the day to be an adult affair?

I was invited to a party once. DD wasn't. I've CUT that selfish Forty year old DEAD ever since!

Argh! Again, I will NOT be sneaking in. And also as for mentioning it again to the bride, when I see her next week - what else can I do? Ignore the fact that she's in the middle of planning her big day and not bring it up at all? Pass her our RSVP and not say "sorry we won't be able to come to the ceremony but we can't wait until the reception!"?

I am genuinely sorry I can't see them wed, this is of course about me and MY feelings!! I remember from my own wedding that there's just you and him when you are up there. I know they won't notice ME not being there, but as the thread title suggests, this is of course coming from my POV.

I am all for no child weddings, wear black only weddings, no boyfriends who we've not met weddings....it's all fine by me. I'm just sad - also my present for them will only include the reception which is still cool but as I said in my OP, I'm all about the actual marriage at weddings.

Thanks to all again. I will have a chat to hubs about bringing LO and him remaining outside or in the car, this could really work so thanks again.

God, you're agressive.

I didn't actually think about the fact that one doesn't reply to the ceremony as it were, so don't presume to know what I know just because you do.

I wasn't planning on laying on any kind of guilt trip at all. Not at all and that's the truth.

I won't be mentioning it like "oh hi Bride, isn't it such a shame we won't be able to attend the ceremony...doe eyes doe eyes....".

It'll be more "here's the RSVP thanks so much, I'm gutted we won't be able to see the ceremony but I know places are limited for that part of the day so it's best to tell you earlier than later - don't want you to think we're just gonna be there for the party!!".

How can I NOT mention it again when I'm seeing her next week?! It's beyond weird to think that we'll just chat about the weather, world cup and summer holidays...like peeps have said previously, she'll probably not really care! Yes, I was sad when friends couldn't make it to the wedding we had, but it just happens.

I'm not going to try and change her mind, they've made their decisions and that is fine by me. It really is. It's just as case od figuring out if there's a way around it now or not.

It's a good idea to get the rsvp out before we see them. I'll wait until DH gets back from USA on Monday to see what he says about the ceremony.

God - the danger of posting in AIBU is not that people will disagree with you (fine), but that people will willfully misinterpret you!!

Clearly the OP is not going to do anything the B&G don't want, or try to force them to change their minds.

And as for not mentioning it at all the next time she sees the bride, that is just weird.

If she's in any way friendly with the bride, then of course she'll say in general conversation, 'can't wait for the reception - really sorry to be missing the ceremony, etc, etc'. Why wouldn't she? I also would not want someone to think that I'm only in it for the knees-up.

I wouldn't go, personally. I think that BF mothers need to be close to their babies, and you're just assuming that your baby will be 5 weeks. If s/he's late, that would be less, or if you have complications it could be a bit of a nightmare.
I went to a wedding just after DD (prem) was out of hospital. IT was lovely, but the bride and groom liked children and had quite a lot of them there.

I think a couple of people are being really rude to you above. I agree not to pester them about it, but you never said you would, in fact I think you are being very reasonable to the point of putting yourself out. Yes, it is their wedding and their choice, but IMO they are selfish and don't appreciate what having a tiny baby entails.
And to pump and dump overnight for a 5 week old is ludicrous IMO. What if they won't take a bottle?

loopyloor, its not for the bride and groom to consider the breastfeeding needs of her 5 week old baby. Thats not being selfish, its their wedding, their choice. Simple really. They can be selfish if they want, but i cant see how they are being selfish. If they considered every single guests needs there wouldnt be a wedding!

Obv, if things go wrong (as they did last time, I was in hosp for a week afterwards with complications following the birth due to bleeding out) or baby late then we'll reasses and the B&G are really reasonable lovely people who will appreciate that for sure.

I really don't want to leave the LO at that stage because I don't want to jeopardise BF with the introduction of a bottle and I know I'll be uncomfortable having to hand express into a loo - I've done it before for a night at the theatre. I also HATE the thought of dumping that liquid gold!!

I am still enormously looking forward to the reception, I think it's 10 courses of something!! That extra 500 cals will come in handy....

And we might still be able to go to the ceremony and I attend it with DH driving around with LO which will mean I can take photos of the whole day - not just the reception. I'll just have to see what DH says. Like I said before, they were his friends originally. He'll be sad to miss their wedding too. But we might be able to figure something out between us. He knows I'm completely sentimental about these things so will prob be ok with it tbh.

I don't think the B&G are being selfish, loops, but I do think that they don't quite understand what having a little baby entails, we're the only set of their friends who have kids. But that's ok, one day they will please God.

*reassess

(baby brain!)

Yep - the amount of emotional armtwisting that people think is acceptable to pull where weddings concerned is shocking (just been through one). Still think those suggesting just taking the baby regardless are pretty contemptible.

The issue is you being unreasonable though - you've been told no and you're still making this massive thing about it just because you're some kind of wedding junkie. This isn't about you getting your fix, this is about what they want which they've made very very clear. There's no need for a big thing about it - just RSVP saying because of the baby you're sorry can't make the ceremony but you'll be there with bells on for the reception. Anything more than that with the "I really really wanted to come, I'm so sad I can't" IS getting into the emotional guilt trip thing and it's quite likely to drive the beginnings of a wedge into the friendship.

I just can't believe how people behave when weddings are concerned - those who scream it's not a wedding without children (no, it's not a wedding without a bride and groom), that everyone HAS to be invited, that it's ok to bring along people unannounced, that the bride and groom want to spend months referreeing a "I'm not coming if X is coming" family bicker-fest... then sorting out seating plans so that no one's next to someone they don't like - it's worse than trying to organize a class of thirty kids! I gave up on the seating plan thing - overdid the table numbers and told them to sort it out among themselves, knowing full well everyone would divide themselves into their own cliques, exactly who would stake out the table next to the food etc - day worked much better that way and I remained somewhat more sane throughout (I did have the embarassment of having to walk past an entire premier league football team in my dress and felt like a right plonker though).

It's like people collectively lose the plot where weddings are concerned - I include bridezillas in that as well, but some of the behaviour from guests and family members is shocking.

I totally agree emptyshell. I did the same, sit where you like, i dont need to know thing.

It would be tricky to take wedding snaps for the gift album with the new baby anyway cfc, would it not?

I dont think they will notice if you are at the ceremony or not. Half my wedding party sat through some strangers wedding at the registry office, didnt know until it was too late to leave

I'm not a wedding junkie. I enjoy the spiritual side of the day more than any other part of the day. It's never about getting hammered and eating good food on someone else for me.

I must admit we were pretty lucky with the whole wedding thing. Our wedding was massive, really big and we didn't have any of this crap that others have to put up with - the politics etc. Perhaps one aunt had a person she didn't want to sit next to, mentioned it to my mother and that was fine, we made sure she didn't.

I'm not a wedding junkie wanting to get my fix. I just love these two people and I like to see people I care about get wed. It's as simple as that really.

rupert, I'm laughing at your friends at someone else's wedding!

I did the same (photos) with DS1 when he was a littlie, I'm a keen user of the babasling so it was very simple.

You can't go though - unless YOU sort out some arrangement for the baby.

That's YOUR problem, not theirs - you're constantly trying to pass it back onto them, and you DO sound like you're about to lay a collossal guilt trip onto them and harp on and on about it.

It is not their responsibility to ignore their wishes and dreams for THEIR day (that they're paying a stupid amount of money for) based on a life choice that YOU made - however much you want to be there. They've opened the invitation to you, they've conceeded more than some couples would in terms of the invite to the reception - yet still you're talking about backing them further and further into a corner making them feel rubbish and making their special day all about you and your baby.

That's not fair and you need to express regret and leave it there, not go trailing around trying to play bride and groom off against each other trying to wear them down - otherwise in years to come, they'll look back at their wedding photos and have the memory of how utterly unreasonable you were about their wedding invites as one of the big memories of their day - how is that fair for them?

You need to stop it - you're trying to play them off against each other by harping on and on about it. This is all about you and, being blunt, you're not the main feature of someone else's wedding day. They've made their choice and their decision - you can respect that, or you can make the lead up to their wedding utter stressful hell and wreck the friendship. (And if you behave like that - you're giving them the ammo to sit there thinking "Thank God we banned kids from the wedding if that's the way their parents are going to act")

emptyshell cfc's not harping, you are. She has said the same thing throughout and is being perfectly reasonable. Leave her alone now.

cfc isn't going with the sling option though. Either she or her husband are going to drive round the block with the baby and the other will attend.

The B&G have said the baby can go to the ceremony.

What I dislike is the fact that whenever one of these threads comes up there is always a faction that say "oh but they don't have children they don't know what it is like".

I'm sure the bride and groom know exactly what they want. Their needs on their wedding day override those of their guests. I Personally have been to too many ceremonies where I have been unable to hear due to squalling children who haven't been removed to be at all sympathetic to those who say of course they will remove them if they cry.

I like children but that doesn't mean I have to spend my entire life in the presence of either mine or other people's especially at events where the presence may detract.