To be really quite sad at missing friends' wedding ceremony because of no children decree whilst I'm BF 5 week old?

[cfc]

I love wedding ceremonies, I would choose to go to the ceremony (be it Church, Registry Office whatever) over than the reception as I love to watch friends get married!

My friends (via hubby) are getting married when our LO will be 5 weeks old-ish at the end of the year.

They are having a Chinese ceremony and a Registry one too, which is exciting. It's an added bonus that it's a very culturally different wedding to those that I am used to.

DH spoke with the Groom a while ago, just off the cuff when they were out and about, and got the impression that we would be allowed to attend with the new baby - we're going to love an excuse to leave the first fella at home tbh, for the first time!! Eek! But the new one will be EBF, as its older brother was.

We've got the wedding invite now and there's a no children decree on the ceremony, which is fine by me. Anyone can decide to do what they like in their own weddings, I will go with the flow. But as DH had already made it clear, or so I thought, to the Groom that when you're BF a child it's hard to be away from it for any length of time, esp when the wedding is SO far from where we live.

I emailed Groom and asked him if this was still the case for us and he said that they've decided no kids at the ceremony but ok for reception. I replied, carefully making the point that the new baby will be here and I'll be BF but he just ignored this and chatted about other things we were talking about in the email too.

We can't bring anyone with us to hold the baby outside the RO whilst the ceremony takes place....we can't nip out to the ceremony leaving baby at home with an expressed bottle....so I think this means that we can only go to the reception - as we're not taking two cars.

This makes me SO sad. I've literally been telling everyone about this amazing Chinese/English wedding ceremony I'm going to at the end of the year and now I won't get the chance to see two lovely friends wed. We will of course go to the reception to help them celebrate their big day, but it won't be the same for me (DH prob won't care as long as he can get hammered with his friends the way they did on our wedding day!).

AIBU to be so sad at missing their ceremony? I really do think it's the most amazing part of the day!

What I really want is for them to trust me to being the baby and not have it ruin their ceremony/wedding video. The good thing about BF at that age is that a boob soon sorts little squeaks out! But they don't have kids yet, so don't know this I suppose and I am not going to push it.

Let's get this clear for the non/skim readers amongst you, I didn't say AT ANY POINT I'd sneak in, I was replying to another post in jest and then countered it, clearly, with "nah, I'm not going to do that".

I also won't be attempting to railroad them in any way whatsoever. I will mention to the bride that I am sorry we won't be coming to the ceremony when I see her (how could I NOT mention it?!) so that she knows that we're just not the type of person who just turns up for the 'fun' part, bypassing the boring Churchy bit....And naturally I will be doing this asap, having organised a wedding in Ireland a couple of years ago I know how hard it is when people dilly dally. Just as I explained to her hen organiser why I couldn't come to that, before we even concieved number 2 as we were already planning and that would be either my due date or I'd be massively pregnant.

And I know the Chinese bit, obv the tea ceremony, won't all be in the RO - that's why they've said it will be about an hour as they're going elsewhere for/from the Chinese element.

Having read about another who pumped and dumped at an all day and over nighter I wonder if I could do that? I'll have to have a think. I would think one night/day of bottle wouldn't/couldn't ruin BF? I had a very tough time last time and really don't want to do anything to jeopardise it this time when I'm hoping it'll be somewhat easier....at least I'll know (kind of!) what to do this time!

I don't mind leaving the baby at all. It's just a shame that the ceremony is off limits whereas the reception isn't. I don't want special treatment at all. I mentioned it to the Groom after receiving the invite A) because them not having children might mean that they don't understand just how hard it is for new mums and brand new babies, esp BF babies to be seperated for that long. I know I certainly didn't before I had kids and B) DH having mentioned this to him on a night out before seemed to have got the impression that it wouldn't be a problem and I was making sure. So that's why, thesecondcoming, I asked again.

Thanks for all your replies. I'll certainly have a think about expressing for the whole day. ps baby will be 5 weeks if on time....and I was a couple of days over with the first one so hopefully won't be early this time either although it'll make things easier for the wedding I suppose!

I'm sure when they planned their wedding, input was given by people with children! It's "not a shame" it is how they want it. Try not to be smug/harbour it. Get over it.

To answer the actual OP - no YANBU to feel sad about missing their ceremony.
Not much to be done about it but feeling sad is normal and fine.
Hope you enjoy the part you can go to

It is a shame though, I'm genuinely sad to miss them get wed.

And I won't be smug (where did that come from??!) nor will I harbour it, not my style. I know that you organise your wedding according to what you want, I did the same and I don't begrudge them that, I really don't. I'd leave both LOs at home in a flash if I could!

X-post with yours Jacks, we will indeed enjoy the part we can go to! I've got a lovely plan for them as I'm a bit of a photographer and am planning on getting them an album sorted before they go away on honeymoon so I'm really looking forward to snapping away! Waiting for the pro photos takes ages.

Right, am off now to babysit my niece, thanks for all your input ladies.

Good night.

I fail to see how her 5 week old baby is the bride and grooms problem. She has asked if its ok and been told no, why should she ask again? That would be rude, its putting the bride under pressure, and it is just not done. What does she say to the others who turn up without their kids?

If it were my wedding and she came back twice to ask about bringing a new baby, i would feel like uninviting her, frankly.
AS it happens, i had kids at my wedding, lots of them, but that was my choice. Kid free is this bride's choice, and it IS rude to keep asking for exceptions, certainly in the good manners department.

No offence but they probably wouldn't notice that you're not at the ceremony. You seem to be making this about you quite a bit.

If you're so keen on seeing the ceremony get dh to wait outside with baby - from what you say he doesn't seem too bothered.

Sorry to sound harsh but I have been to weddings where people have hustled themselves/kids in and sure enough they have made a disturbance!

And to be honest, you hear so many people banning kids from the whole ceremony I think it's good they haven't banned them from the reception. The ceremony is obviously special to them and they are trying to reduce the possible interruptions!

OP its up to you.

One of my parents friends asked if they could bring their kids to the wedding (they were coming from abroad). My mum said no sorry only close family children were invited, there just wasn't space (kids were aged 5-10) but they could come to the ceremony and reception and she would find them a babysitter. My mum called her the week before and asked if she had a babysitter and she said it was all taken care of. Well the person brought the kids anyway and asked the caterer to fit an extra three chairs at the childrens table. There wasn't space so my cousins ended up sitting on their parents laps. However I still remember this 15 years later.

So if you really want to, don't ask again, go, but take the baby in sling, I have the kari-me one, and it just looks like I am pregnant, you can even feed inside it. Sit in the back row and leave if there is a peep. My DS2 is now 12 weeks and he still drops of the minute he is in it. They probably will not notice.

See my brother has said that their no children decree extends even to my DS, his only nephew and godson. We have fallen out about it hugely and hardly spoken for the last 18 months.

The wedding is in 10 days time, and it has been a huge headache for us to organise childcare - because all the family will be at the wedding!

DH's disabled sister is looking after DS - I'm not 100% happy but they are coming here and DS will be safe.

However, if I walk into that wedding and there is even one single other child no matter how small, I will seriously blow a fuse.

I see your problem, and I think it's a shame when children are excluded from weddings, but if they made an exemption for a friend with a newborn but wouldn't make it for my son then it's just wrong.

Sorry - touchy subject!

If the wedding is in a church, the bride and groom cannot stipulate anyway: churches will allow anyone in who wishes to come in, and won't bar anyone - it's a public church not a venue hired for exclusive use.

It MIGHT be the same with Registry Offices - I don't know.

I'm not advocating anyone charging in, plonking themselves on a pew and singing 'we shal not be moved', but it's a point worth considering amongst the 'it's their day' refrain when the ceremony takes pace in a church.

It's about manners Blu.

I can understand people making "no children rules" to a point. What I can't understand is the "no new baby" rule - they don't cost anything to feed/entertain and don't take up a space at the table. As long as the parents take the child out of the ceremony if crying, and respect that it is the bride & grooms' day, I don't get it. And I'd never have got upset if my toddlers/young children weren't invited but someone else had a new baby there. Very different

Just go to the reception. You've got your ds & they want their wedding kid free.

They'll be happy to see you & that you respected their wishes.

Also it's a long day & you might be happy to have some quiet time just you & ds.

It would be sooo rude to turn up with your DC when you've been told not to! I missed a v. dear friend's wedding as it was 6 weeks after I had DS and it was 'child free' - but they had family who if saw me with tiny DS, wouldn't say "well, newborns are different" but would say "so we weren't allowed to bring our DC's but his friend can bring her DC". Blanket rules are annoying for you, but make sense for a couple who might have difficult families.

Just say how sorry you are to be missing it, but it's not something you can insist on, you are a guest, you can't dictate the terms of your attendance, just decline the invite.

Ok once again, it's THEIR wedding and it's not about YOU. You are being precious and hiding behind 'I love seeing friends marry and can't bear to miss it'.

We had a no children policy at our wedding. Why? Because nearly all friends and family were frazzled parents of young kids and we wanted one fun big night out for everyone. We got married late on a winter evening and we wanted everyone to let their hair down. That's why we didn't want young, medium or older dc there! That was our choice. Everyone respected it and had huge happy hangovers the next day

Like I say - they've made their wishes clear. You can make a fuss, keep asking and leave a bad taste in all concerned's mouths - or you can railroad and ignore and march in with the baby anyway - or accept their wishes on this, THEIR day and either work a compromise or just go for the reception.

I will never ever ever forgive the relative of mine who went against my wishes and brought her baby along regardless. Yes, it was a public building and so she could do what she liked - but it absolutely wrecked a large part of my day with the horrible feeling of being completely disregarded, backed into a corner and manipulated. She's dead to me as a relation because of the stunt she pulled - it was despicable. Just hope she's glad that she got what she wanted - because it really was horrible the impact it had on my wedding day (led to nice conversations with an infertile woman being interrogated about her baby-making plans - very distressing and the EXACT reason I'd wanted no kids there at all).

I wouldn't count them as friends anymore. In fact, I wouldn't enjoy a no children wedding. They are the only amusing part of a stuffy day IMO.

It's THEIR choice tho Meglet - not yours. If you want it to be your choice - go have a wedding yourself.

It sickens me how people think that they have some kind of right to bully people with their wedding days.

Meglet, thats spoken from the point of view that all children are fun and fluffy and wonderful. The bride and groom dont have kids, and have decided not to suffer other peoples kids at their wedding. Their money, their choice.

When we were planning our wedding, the usual worries came up, would mother inlaw come if her divorced father inlaw brought his new wife etc. Dh said " look, we invite who we want, if they come, great, if they start on, can i do this, can you sit x y and z away from A, then they dont come. We dont want to know, we dont want to hear.And anyone who comes to us with these issues is as well not coming" He was so right.

I thought children were fun and wonderful before I had them.

Now I'm not so sure .