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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really quite sad at missing friends' wedding ceremony because of no children decree whilst I'm BF 5 week old?

127 replies

cfc · 08/07/2010 17:55

I love wedding ceremonies, I would choose to go to the ceremony (be it Church, Registry Office whatever) over than the reception as I love to watch friends get married!

My friends (via hubby) are getting married when our LO will be 5 weeks old-ish at the end of the year.

They are having a Chinese ceremony and a Registry one too, which is exciting. It's an added bonus that it's a very culturally different wedding to those that I am used to.

DH spoke with the Groom a while ago, just off the cuff when they were out and about, and got the impression that we would be allowed to attend with the new baby - we're going to love an excuse to leave the first fella at home tbh, for the first time!! Eek! But the new one will be EBF, as its older brother was.

We've got the wedding invite now and there's a no children decree on the ceremony, which is fine by me. Anyone can decide to do what they like in their own weddings, I will go with the flow. But as DH had already made it clear, or so I thought, to the Groom that when you're BF a child it's hard to be away from it for any length of time, esp when the wedding is SO far from where we live.

I emailed Groom and asked him if this was still the case for us and he said that they've decided no kids at the ceremony but ok for reception. I replied, carefully making the point that the new baby will be here and I'll be BF but he just ignored this and chatted about other things we were talking about in the email too.

We can't bring anyone with us to hold the baby outside the RO whilst the ceremony takes place....we can't nip out to the ceremony leaving baby at home with an expressed bottle....so I think this means that we can only go to the reception - as we're not taking two cars.

This makes me SO sad. I've literally been telling everyone about this amazing Chinese/English wedding ceremony I'm going to at the end of the year and now I won't get the chance to see two lovely friends wed. We will of course go to the reception to help them celebrate their big day, but it won't be the same for me (DH prob won't care as long as he can get hammered with his friends the way they did on our wedding day!).

AIBU to be so sad at missing their ceremony? I really do think it's the most amazing part of the day!

What I really want is for them to trust me to being the baby and not have it ruin their ceremony/wedding video. The good thing about BF at that age is that a boob soon sorts little squeaks out! But they don't have kids yet, so don't know this I suppose and I am not going to push it.

OP posts:
SanctiMoanyArse · 09/07/2010 14:10

Jamiki I think it can work either way tbh- ds1, first sign of a plastic teat, never again would he look at a breast- ds4 quite the opposite, nightmare to get to drink anything else!

Cup feeding is generally the best- so many BF babies won't touch a bottle anyway. I missed a few inportant events when ds4 was tiny as he just would not take except from me.

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE · 09/07/2010 14:49

Who is OP supposed to leave her baby with while she is at the ceremonies? It's just not practical - you have to either take baby with you or you don't go. Unless you know someone who is prepared to travel to the wedding with you to look after the baby and then go away again afterwards.

That's not being arsey, that's just how it is.

Colliecross · 09/07/2010 14:56

I can't believe this whole topic really. Who wouldn't want the baby there? It really seems mad to me. Lots of babies hardly cry - mine didn't. If they set up a real howl you could pop out for a few mins obviously.

I have been to 2 weddings where there were supposed to be no children, but both had 2 little bridesmaids. This really upset those who had made extensive and expensive baby sitting arrangements.

Jamiki · 09/07/2010 15:06

SMA - Aww, them crazy little bubba's have got their own plans haven't they?

Original poster
cfc · 09/07/2010 15:18

It wouldn't be for just 15 mins, skihorse, which you would know had you read the thread you lazy cow.

I remember some of my friends raising their eyebrows at some of the locals turning up at our church ceremony with their 'scruffs' on - whereas I was delighted! The more the merrier as far as I was concerned, although my mother's side of the family alone filled the church!

I can well imagine a baby screaming would ruin an expensive wedding DVD which is a really good reason for not having kids there, as is the limited places (not that newbies take any space obv, but a 9 year old would, I know). I get the no kids policy, I really do. I just wanted to make sure they knew that this would mean no us too - which is why I got back to them on the point. Not because I want the kids to come, believe me, a day and night off in a nice dress and heels without the remotest chance of a vom on them is bliss! But not poss with a teeny one whilst BF at a wedding 250 miles away from where we live/ANY family live.

OP posts:
mamatomany · 09/07/2010 15:22

Lots of babies hardly cry - mine didn't. If they set up a real howl you could pop out for a few mins obviously.

I have been to 2 weddings where there were supposed to be no children, but both had 2 little bridesmaids. This really upset those who had made extensive and expensive baby sitting arrangements.

The trouble is for those few minutes it takes you to get outside with the howler the ceremony is interrupted and video is ruined.

In the 2nd case they clearly meant no children that aren't our own flesh and blood whom we'd forgive anything, it is one rule for family and one for friends.

Jamiki · 09/07/2010 15:35

cfc- Newbies may not take up much room if they're in a sling but B&G may be imagining a huge pram slotted between close set tables.

Just a thought.

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE · 09/07/2010 15:36

We had a wedding that we couldn't go to because I was BF a newborn - when we saw the pics on facebook there were children there was a bit pissed off about that one actually.

Jamiki · 09/07/2010 15:40

Mamatomany - Do you not see any difference between the bridal party and the guest list ?

Jamiki · 09/07/2010 15:42

Mamatomany - apologies, post meant for Colliecross.

Blu · 09/07/2010 16:15

ah, yes, the video.
Because the whole thing is a performance, of course.

smallwhitecat · 09/07/2010 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SanctiMoanyArse · 09/07/2010 16:35

I didn't have a video either SWC, a friend did a small one without being asked but we didn't book anything. We do have a nice pic and it lives in a cupboard as was aprt of apckage (though I do treasure it- nie pic of dh, ds1 and I)

It's not aperforrmance; it's a tradition, a ceremony, a celebration, a family rite

thesecondcoming · 09/07/2010 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamatomany · 09/07/2010 16:59

Watching the wedding video over has saved my marriage at least once, remember that once i loved him when all i wanted to to was throttle him.

Original poster
cfc · 09/07/2010 17:56

I'm not asking for any further clarification. I've not ONCE said that I would be.

I was glad to have at least one nice photo of DH to hang up, tbh....he's not greatly photogenic! But beautiful to me, like...!! We didn't have a DVD, I can't bear to see/hear myself on film. Shudder.

Jamiki - we can bring the LO to the reception, but not to the ceremony.

OP posts:
Blu · 09/07/2010 18:18

Oh, take videos and photos...but the idea of barring family members who happen to be babies because they might spoil the VIDEO is bonkers, IMO. (I'm not saying that is the OP's issue)

Those couples in the Observer colour supplement atm, discussing the secret of their long and happy marriages - none of them mention 'we got we wanted on OUR day, we made people run rings around our extravagent requirements, and we have a video with no babies on it'.

Geting married should be about the marriage, not the wedding.

rupert22 · 09/07/2010 18:42

There is always the possibility they stipulated no kids at ceremony, thinking that those with kids wouldnt bother going atall?

Just a thought.

Caoimhe · 09/07/2010 18:47

Blu I am so with you on this!!

LilRedWG · 09/07/2010 18:55

Call them and talk to them - forget email. When we got married we said only immediate family's children at the service/meal, partly because of cost and partly because we wanted it as small as possible.

My cousin, who is much older than me, has five children (aged 20 down to 0)and they were sent a seperate invite for the evening and my cousin and her husband were invited all day.

A few days later my Dad received a very stroppy letter from cousin saying that if her children weren't welcome then they were not attending. I was so upset for my parents that I immediate said, well they can come. Dad, bless him, said, no it's your wedding, your choice! Part of cousins arguement was that she was breast feeding the youngest, who was about five months IIRC, so I suggested that the baby come with them and the others on the evening. Dad spoke to aunt, who said cousin was being stupid an overreacting (bless her). Cousin took major umbridge and refused to attend.

strawberrycake · 09/07/2010 19:02

My 5 week old is f**king loud....

autodidact · 09/07/2010 19:26

Maybe you should cultivate a hatred of weddings and be happy you have an excuse not to go? Weddings are usually shit, after all. The tendency is for one person to be far nicer than the other and you spend the whole wedding thinking how regrettable and unbelieveable it is that such a nice person has agreed to marry such an eejit. I've only been to one good wedding and even that wasn't that good because I wore the wrong clothes and only realised how crap I looked once I was there.

SparkOfSense · 09/07/2010 20:01

Why is only for weddings that this question arises? No other social event to celebrate any of the other life stages attracts this sort of huffy indignation.

Original poster
cfc · 09/07/2010 20:06

Ah, they are both as nice as each other this time!!

Obviously, I am nicer than my husband. I ask him regularly what it's like to be punching so much above his weight....

I've loved all the weddings I've been to. Seriously. I think maybe we've only got, say, 4/5 to go before all our friends are married off...then it's onto Christenings, divorce parties, second marriages and funerals.... pessimistic cfc

OP posts:
Original poster
cfc · 09/07/2010 20:07

rupert - I wouldn't have thought so in this case.

OP posts:
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