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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my newborn touched by the residents of a care home?

177 replies

motherbeyond · 07/07/2010 14:13

ok,i know it sounds mean...but yestrday,whilst i was visiting my gran with my 3 dc,youngest being 7 weeks, a carer asked if she could show the baby to the residents.

i felt i had to say yes.

i watched as she walked round the room with him.

fair enough,i know everyone loves a baby,and it would brighten their day,but she was letting thm touch his face and kiss him!!yuk!

i was getting very hot and bothered and eventually she handed him back.

the thing is,i know the other day my own gran had an 'awful exprience'which involved poo,and i noticed she had some on her cardi...so god knows what they've got on their hands/clothes.

am going to say no next time and i know they'll think i'm a cow...so,aibu?

OP posts:

IveStillGotIt · 08/07/2010 00:07

fin54- your place sounds worse than the one I worked in!!! In your case, they obviously are sufficiently staffed in domestic terms, they just aren't up to scratch! They sound like they have right brass necks on them! Taking in their own washing!!! I used to work through my lunch break- UNPAID, to try and get everything done!!! I bet if any of your domestics smoke, they probebly have fag breaks galore, as well as their official breaks! Have you told your boss about the washing situation?

justsue · 08/07/2010 00:18

dimentia does not mean dirt!!!!!

larks35 · 08/07/2010 00:32

I have to say that it would never have occured to me to worry about the hygiene issues of my DS being handed round various cooing elderly folk at 7 weeks. TBH, I've never really worried about it and always loved that he got attention from strangers. He's 18mo now and I've only taken him to docs once when he had swollen glands and high temp - teething apparantly (I know it wasn't, but whatever).

However, if I had visited my gran and she had poo on her I would be massively concerned about her care. That is a totally seperate issue and really worrying imo.

somebodysfool · 08/07/2010 00:44

Of course YANBU old people should be sterilised before they come into contact with other humans.

What was the carer thinking, and how dare they presume that the old codgers would benefit from seeing and touching a beautiful new baby.

As for the dangers we all know how different elderly poo is from baby/child poo and there's no chance they will ever come into contact with the latter is there.

For example they will never poo in the bath put their fingers in their nappies or pick up invisible poo at nursery/school (which is covered it).

I totally agree there should be a law to keep old people (especially in homes) away from babies and children at all times unless the baby or they are in protective clothing.

One day you will be old my lovely and then I hope you remember this thread. In the meantime I suggest you wrap your children up not in cotton wool but extremely large incontinence pants! However saying that you do have new mum hormones so am really hoping you look back on this in a couple of years time and do see you were be very unreasonable.

PosyPetrovaPauline · 08/07/2010 01:11

my eldest visits old people every sunday ( sweet boy) They love him BUT they ADORE it when he takes my littlest ( not yet 2) brightens up their fortnight

BigGreenBin · 08/07/2010 07:23

And let's face it, if you are keeping your own grandmother there, then is it really that bad? Because if somewhere was not good enough for one member of my family, and full of dirty people and such high risks of cross infection/contamination, why are you a) not removing granny and b) why did you take a baby in there in the first place.

I stand by my earlier posts in this thread that YABU

piscesmoon · 08/07/2010 08:20

It had crossed my mind BigGreenBin, that if the place and people were so dirty and uncared for why on earth is the grandmother living there? Move her to one that is clean enough for the residents to touch the baby!

The elderly love a baby-if you go in with the expectation that everyone will make a fuss over her you can keep control,keep firmly hold of the baby, in way that you want to, and go around and show her off. Don't hand her over to the care assistant.
At least you will be prepared next time to do it your way.

fin54 · 08/07/2010 08:30

IveStillGotIt Seriously and I kid you not, memo has just went up in the last week saying we have to go through senior care with issue?s not the manager , wish I could post a copy of the memo on this but I probably would be sacked for breach confidentiality .
I have more serious issue?s with the manager w*er and to be honest with you I couldn?t care less what domestics do now , after years of working in the place I can?t wait to get out of it , I do my job to the best of my ability while I am there and what everyone else does is up to them. sounds harsh but that?s how it has got me know .

StealthPolarBear · 08/07/2010 08:38

BGB did you see my post? we've moved grandma twice, complained lots, these seem to be pretty standard for care homes.
as for the "if it's not good enough for one member of the family..." sorry that is rubbish

Original poster

motherbeyond · 08/07/2010 08:43

to clarify again...the home isn't dirty,it's like a hotel.the staff are lovely.the manageress is really great and approachable.
i have no worries re the home.
my mum visited loads before deciding on that one.
..her friend who works in social services for the elderly recommended it.
we would not have my gran in some skanky place!!

however gran,through pridefulness,did not want to tell anyone that she had had an accident.
i understand that.
she hates the lack of dignity that being old has brought.

so if my own gran thought she was clean (her eyes are not as good as they were)and she could'nt see thee poo on her wrists and cardi...and even when i told her,she pretended it wasn't true.....then what might the other residents be hiding/not have noticed?

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 08/07/2010 08:56

Next time just keep hold of your baby-walk around and talk to them, but keep your distance. They are not going to be very agile so they are not going to leap up and take you by surprise! The big mistake was to hand her over to the care assistant. Next time they ask just say, in a friendly manner, that you will take her around yourself. (apologies if it was a boy-I can't remember)

ReshapeWhileDamp · 08/07/2010 09:01

I agree with knitternottwitter - interacting with a baby is, I think, actually a known way of therapy for people with dementia or severe memory issues - something to do with harking back to instinctive beahaviours that they experienced when they were young, pre-dementia.

Of course, your baby shouldn't be used as a therapy tool if you're not happy with that, but maybe you could have told the carer you'd hold the baby and take him round yourself. Then you could control the interaction more. And just because your gran had an accident with poo doesn't mean everyone else has had one that day! I do think babies are more resilient than this.

I know how protective we are of our newborns though, and it can be natural to feel like this, but honestly no harm has been done. (I hated having DS passed round non-family too, but as long as he wasn't minding I didn't stop it - it's good for babies sometimes to interact like that.)

BTW, it is a nightmare finding a good, caring home for elderly relatives, especially if 'toilet issues' are beginning to be a problem, and I'm sure you've found the best place you can. But I would be a tiny bit concerned that no carer had noticed your gran smelt of poo.

Onestonetogo · 08/07/2010 09:23

Somebody'sfool, when I'm very old I shall avoid kissing a stranger's baby out of politeness, as it is acceptable that a newborn baby shouldn't be exposed to other people's germs and poo whilst baby's immune system is still immature.
When baby reaches crawling age, they're better equipped to deal with germs. There're very good reasons why newborn babies should be protected, your sarcasm is misplaced here.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 08/07/2010 09:29

it had just happened reshape,she was i her room when we found her...her room reeked and we couldn't stomach it.so we said "c'momn,lets go and sit downdtairs"...she absoloutely would not let me call anyone.
when i sat her in the lounge i pretended i needed somrthing and grabbed the first carer i saw and they were straight on it.
but,if we hadn't of visited,who knows?
she could have been sitting in the lounge and touched someone elses baby with excrement on her hands...

OP posts:

ReshapeWhileDamp · 08/07/2010 10:15

Oh dear - I see. It's so sad, isn't it? Really hard for your family.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 08/07/2010 11:16

it's incredibly sad.she hates it.she's always been a feisty,independant,hardy scot!
it's killing her to be a burden,and all hr dignity has gone.although,mentally shee's all there.
we can't take her out much now because the toilet problem seems to happen. it happened in my bathroom the last time and she was mortified.
she wouldn't talk to anyone and couldn't met our eyes,she just said to my mum "please take me back"...so upsetting for her.
she's always been like a 2nd mother to me,picked us up from school everyday etc so it's distressing for us all.

she tells me not to bother visiting her!as if!
i know the only joy she gets it's from seeing the children,so i couldn't deprive her of that

OP posts:

BigGreenBin · 08/07/2010 11:18

Stealth - my response was to the OP.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 08/07/2010 11:36

yes,biggreenbin,you said i was pathetic...which is nice..you were the only person to respond aggresively in 6 pages of responses,good for you

OP posts:

BigGreenBin · 08/07/2010 12:39

That is true, I did say that, and glad you think it is nice

Remember this was posted in AIBU which everyone knows can lead to strong opnions, either way.

nellie12 · 08/07/2010 12:54

Oyur poor gran. I may be off mark completely but..is she on any laxatives? does she have a dn visiting her?

I ask because there may be fixable reasons for her incontinence. If you've already been down this path then apologies for butting in.

Its just it is very common for older people to be blithely taking laxatives and having these problems.

Original poster

motherbeyond · 08/07/2010 13:16

biggreenbinstrong opinions,yes...name calling?not usually.
what lovely bed side manner you must have

nellie
she was,i think it's from one extreme to the other..if you know what i mean..don't want to put people of their lunch!

OP posts:

nellie12 · 08/07/2010 13:20

I do. Make sure she has a district nurse involved to try and keep her bowels in check.Care homes are not always the best at this.
(takes more than that to put me off my lunch!)

BigGreenBin · 08/07/2010 14:05

you are obviously fairly new to MN or don't very often read the AIBU threads!

Saying someone is pathetic is not exactly harsh. Have a read through and you will find far stronger language .

StealthPolarBear · 08/07/2010 14:42

BGB just stop please

BigGreenBin · 08/07/2010 14:47

Stop what exactly, responding to comments left for me? I thought we were free to speak on here?

If the OP has responded to me with a surely I can reply. And reply in a civil manner, in the fact that this is an AIBU thread and saying someone is pathetic is hardly the name calling which can happen on these threads

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