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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About DH's visiting neice (IANBU btw but am looking for an argument and suspect I'll get one here)

149 replies

bran · 07/07/2010 10:43

I need to VENT because DH thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm "making a fuss".

When we were visiting DH's family at Christmas his sister told us that her daughter, who is a medical student, had been offered a placement in a London hospital for 8 weeks. The family are very old-fashioned and protective of their daughters and weren't prepared to let her travel and live in hospital accommodation on her own because "something terrible" would be bound to happen.

At the time I pointed out to DH that we don't have a bedroom, or even a bed, for her and it would be unpleasant for everyone if she slept on the sofa for 8 weeks (I didn't say this in front of his neice obviously). He told me not to worry, he would sort it all out and it wouldn't have any impact on me. He was planning to take a short term let on a flat nearby, or possibly find a house share for her (no men in houseshare or her parents would be furious).

She arrives TOMORROW and despite reminders from me (he told me off for "nagging") all that he has done is to put up a notice (8 days ago) in the resident's lounge of our development saying that he is looking for somewhere and giving a contact number. As he left this morning he said he might contact a few estate agents today if he has time.

I don't want another person in the flat. I like a bit of personal space and if my neice is here I will end up lurking in my bedroom every evening after the DC are in bed. I don't want to have to cook a proper dinner every evening on top of what I cook for the DC. I don't want her reporting back about our lifestyle to my hyper-critical SIL (for instance I don't go to church or say grace before meals).

I feel I've been backed into a corner. DH promised he would sort it out, but he hasn't because it's no skin off his nose to have her here (he's not usually home until quite late during the week). I expect his neice won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

OP posts:

firsttimemum77 · 07/07/2010 23:00

I wouldn't be too pleased if I had to stay with my MIL either! (trust me I could write a whole other thread or a million about that too) But if you not staying with her would be an insult to her then the same could be said for your neice not staying with you - would that not be an insult on sil and mil?

Personally I love my space too and couldn't stand anyone staying with us (just the way I am) even though we have a spare bedroom BUT then again I wouldn't stay at any one elses house either, insult or not!

Btw I am Indian and NOWAY are my family remotely 'culturally' strict like your SIL's!

LadyBiscuit · 07/07/2010 23:14

I think you've had as much advice as you need bran but I just wanted to say to tortoiseonthehalfshell - nah not remotely convincing. From you?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 08/07/2010 03:07

I am choosing to interpret that as "you are far too nice and Always Right for that to have been a convincing post".

AngelsOnHigh · 08/07/2010 07:02

Do youmean niece?

AngelsOnHigh · 08/07/2010 07:04

space between you and mean

AngelsOnHigh · 08/07/2010 07:11

Can anyone tell me how to delete my post. It's the first time I've actually commented on a spelling mistake as I realise that most of the time it is just a typo.

I didn't realise that it had already been done and dusted.

loopyloops · 08/07/2010 09:21

No idea I'm afraid, apart from reporting, which is silly. Just leave it.
Hope DN arrives safe and sound. It'll all be fine.

zoelikesjam · 08/07/2010 16:04

Hey i've just thought of a bonus bran! Cant believe no one else picked up on it.
Like the others said
stick ds in toddler bed, hubby on sofa, dd in with you and dn in ds's room. Let her stay but make her work for it.

Now the bonus....big big bonus! You and hubby are paying for her rent if she goes elsewhere...in London that has to be astronomical? About 80quid a week?(someone can correct me cus i dont have a clue what a student share would be but surely would be a lot?) anyway, if it was £80, x8 you've then just saved yourself £640(possibly more) that YOU can use for facials, spa treatments and day trips with the kids...now that has to make up for it?!!!

rupert22 · 08/07/2010 18:37

Er, why is it your dhs job to find accomodation for his neice? Why not the neice, or her parents? Were you specifically asked to have her stay?

Why did you just not refuse?

Your dh sounds very uncaring.

Decorhate · 08/07/2010 19:13

I think it would have been hard for the niece & het parents to make the arrangements from Malaysia.

Bran, it is unfortunate that she is visiting while you are in the midst of moving but unless your dh magics up some accommodation at this late stage I think you will have to steel yourself to have her stay at yours, at least for a while. Shuffling the dcs around sounds far preferable to having her sleeping in the living room. Borrow or buy a z-bed if you can, they give max comfort for least cost...

Make the most of her by getting her to take the dcs out whilst you declutter/pack, etc.

Having long-term visitors is stressful (my parents are already testing my patience after 2 days!) but I think she would find it very hard on her own tbh. When I was her age I went abroad for 4 months and found it hard...

diddl · 08/07/2010 19:27

She will surely be working all day & studying/sleeping at night-she might not be noticed!

Original poster

bran · 08/07/2010 19:54

Rupert22, it's not his job to find accommodation, he offered. Her parents wanted her to do her placement in Malaysia so that she could stay at home, my MIL wanted her to not miss this opportunity and prodded DH into offering. It's one of the few times that I have been in agreement with MIL, it is far too good an opportunity for niece to turn down. Only the top students in her class were offered foreign placements, so it's quite prestigious for her. I couldn't refuse because firstly I think she should come to London, and secondly there is no point arguing against something that MIL wants DH to do, he will do it.

Anyway, what was there in the original plan for me to refuse? There was never a plan for her to stay here, DH's offer from the very start was that he would find her a place near us so that he could show her around and she could come over for some company and the occasional evening meal.

I can't get her to look after the DC or babysit as DS will run rings around her and end up being injured or causing damage and DD is my little shadow who won't stay with anyone except me, DH or my Mum. Actually when we were in Malaysia DD did eventually leave the room with my SIL (not niece's mother, my other SIL who is DH's brother's wife and is an angel). But DD won't be left with niece. Niece isn't really a small-child person anyway.

Zoe, I'm not sure exactly how much it will cost but I guess about 500 pcm for a flat share or about 1000 pcm for a one bed flat. Money isn't an issue though, DH can afford it.

Anyway, DH is at Heathrow collecting her now, and she has a mattress made up on the floor of DS's room. I'm not sure how thrilled she's going to be about that given that DS wakes at 6am and she will be jet-lagged, but it's the best that we can do at short notice.

OP posts:

diddl · 08/07/2010 20:04

Hope all goes OK, OP.

zoelikesjam · 11/07/2010 22:31

Aww Bran, I hope everything works out ok and you dont get to stressed!
I didnt mean to come across as saying money was an issue, i just ment if he doesnt have to pay for a flat YOU get the money off DH and spend it on yourself, If your putting her up i think its only fair you get a few treats :D

Original poster

bran · 13/07/2010 15:34

Strangely, now that she's here, I am the least bothered in the household.

She's clearly not thrilled to be sharing a room with a 6 yo boy. There isn't enough storage space for all her stuff, and DS is dreadfully messy. DS isn't happy because a lot of his toys had to be put away to make room for her mattress on the floor. DD, who is very clingy, doesn't like having a virtual stranger in the house and won't stay in the sitting room with her unless DH or I are there too. DH isn't happy because he's trying to finish writing up his doctorate and she keeps talking to him and asking him questions. She has to get up before 6am to get into the hospital early, once she wakes up DS wakes up and he wakes everyone else.

The only thing niece has really done to annoy me is just now she came home only 40mins after DD fell asleep and woke her up so DD is trying to go back asleep and howling in her bed. DD's going to be really cranky until bedtime if she doesn't go back to sleep.

Otherwise, I've been skulking in my bedroom like a teenager which has been quite enjoyable. Which leaves DH to sort everything out for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

bran · 13/07/2010 15:42

And also, she had been dropping hints about not running the dishwasher and washing machine overnight as it "sounds like an airplane taking off". I'm not sure when exactly I should run the washing machine as she tells me that her father doesn't allow the washing machine to be run when food is being prepared or eaten as the "smell of the detergent affects the taste of the food". I am ignoring, and continuing to load the washing machine whenever it suits me.

OP posts:

overweightnoverdrawn · 13/07/2010 17:14

Does your machine have a half load button this way you could double the loads . lol only joking

nellie12 · 13/07/2010 17:21

only one thing to say;

FFs how is she going to cope as a dr?
how are her parents going to cope?

Not in A&E is she that might finish her or your dsil off!!

prozacfairy · 13/07/2010 18:29

YANBU. I am really anti social so can't stand the idea of losing my own space for one week let alone 8!

Havn't read all the posts yet but presumably your neice is an adult? My point is, sholdn't this be her problem not yours? Your SIL sounds a tad mental but again if this neice is old enough to study medicine she's old enough to sort out her own accomdation with or without male housemates.

eriousl how the heck is she gonna handle being a doctor of anything if she isn't even capable of ringing round a few letting agents?

pluperfect · 13/07/2010 22:19

I do like zipzap's suggestion of ringing the MIL... Puts the pressure where it belongs - on your DH!

The girl has made a few sarky comments, but the poor thing is probably bottling up a hell of a lot more than she is letting out. Let's hope, though, that she realises who should be the target of her pissed-off disappointment (i.e. not you, Bran!)

compo · 13/07/2010 22:22

So is she staging with you for the 8 weeks?!? On a matress in a six yr olds bedroom!! Well done dh

Original poster

bran · 13/07/2010 22:39

She is very lovely, but no matter how nice she is, she is a bit in the way.

I really don't think it's suiting her sleeping on DS's floor. She was asking me earlier if DS has problems sleeping and it turns out that DS wakes up a few times in the night and turns on his moon which is, in turn, waking her up. Once she mentioned it I remembered that that was the reason we got DS the moon in the first place, because he used to wake up and be afraid of the dark and cry and we'd have to go into him. Once we got the moon he would wake, turn it on, gaze at it for a while and fall back to sleep. I didn't even realise that he still did that.

DH seems to suddenly have a few "important meetings" lined up meaning that he'll be home late all this week. He's still not home now.

OP posts:

pluperfect · 13/07/2010 22:43

Ohhh, your Dh is being such a twat. Call your DN's family. Do it!

caramelwaffle · 13/07/2010 23:36

Ooooo. I "heart" you bran - I love that site.

(laughing at you in room like a teenager)

Hope it all works out for you.

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