About DH's visiting neice (IANBU btw but am looking for an argument and suspect I'll get one here)

[bran]

I need to VENT because DH thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm "making a fuss".

When we were visiting DH's family at Christmas his sister told us that her daughter, who is a medical student, had been offered a placement in a London hospital for 8 weeks. The family are very old-fashioned and protective of their daughters and weren't prepared to let her travel and live in hospital accommodation on her own because "something terrible" would be bound to happen.

At the time I pointed out to DH that we don't have a bedroom, or even a bed, for her and it would be unpleasant for everyone if she slept on the sofa for 8 weeks (I didn't say this in front of his neice obviously). He told me not to worry, he would sort it all out and it wouldn't have any impact on me. He was planning to take a short term let on a flat nearby, or possibly find a house share for her (no men in houseshare or her parents would be furious).

She arrives TOMORROW and despite reminders from me (he told me off for "nagging") all that he has done is to put up a notice (8 days ago) in the resident's lounge of our development saying that he is looking for somewhere and giving a contact number. As he left this morning he said he might contact a few estate agents today if he has time.

I don't want another person in the flat. I like a bit of personal space and if my neice is here I will end up lurking in my bedroom every evening after the DC are in bed. I don't want to have to cook a proper dinner every evening on top of what I cook for the DC. I don't want her reporting back about our lifestyle to my hyper-critical SIL (for instance I don't go to church or say grace before meals).

I feel I've been backed into a corner. DH promised he would sort it out, but he hasn't because it's no skin off his nose to have her here (he's not usually home until quite late during the week). I expect his neice won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

Oh thank goodness. I thought nobody was going to tell me that IABU.

DH promised me he would sort it out, he PROMISED. The time for him to say it was my family duty to put her up on the sofa for 8 weeks was last December when the subject first came up. Then there could have been a discussion about it, like a proper couple who are respectful of each other's needs and points of view. But no, he PROMISED that he would sort it out and there was no need to even talk about it because it wouldn't affect me in the slightest. How FUCKING dare he land me with this and not even apologise or admit that he could have done things differently. He is showing no remorse about breaking his promise and he is angry with ME because I am feeling aggrieved.

He has let me down and he has let his poor niece down. Had he never made this promise then she may have made the decision not to come or she may have come and sorted out her own accommodation, but he did make a promise and by doing so and not keeping to it he has taken away a bit of both her and my independence and right to control our own environments. He is behaving as though she is a small child who should do what is decided for her and as though I am an employee without rights to quiet enjoyment of my own home.

When one of my friends came to stay overnight (on the sofa) I checked with him that he was ok with it, even though he was abroad that night and didn't cross paths with her. I did that because it's his home too and it's only polite to check with him first.

to tortoise. I have so wanted to say all that to DH. Perhaps I'll print it out.

Can I also just say to any pedants lurking, I do know how to spell 'niece' (now).

I can never quite remember if it is one of the exceptions to 'i before e except after c' so I copied your spelling.

Glad to be of assistance. I do enjoy trying to make a convincing argument that I don't actually believe (because you're right, obviously, you don't get to push your point about family commitments by failing to do what you promised). I might make it a habit.

to you too.

I think it looks right both ways, probably because it's commonly misspelled.

My anger must be dissipating slightly if I can be bothered about pedantic issues.

Right, in the interest of practicality... How many DCs so you have? Do they share a room already (if there is more than 1??) Could they share and free up a room? How old are they? Could you put one of them in the living room?

given her background, it is not unreasonable for her parents to want her to stay with you. yes, it's a pita to have someone sleeping on your sofa, but presumably she won't have much with her, and it can be packed up & put away each day.

i think there's tow issues
a) her staying and
b) your husband's response.

i have to say i'm firmly in the 'tolerate your family' camp & would say you just have to 'suck it up' about her staying. but DO do your best to turn this into a positive. she may well be working ridiculous hours & hardly there. if she is around, get her playing with the kids, cooking her own meals etc. anyone who stays that long does not get visitors' privileges.

about the dh, i would be incandescent with rage. maybe HE should leave the flat for the 8 weeks, as it's so easy to find somewhere? perhaps get the details of the christian hostel mentioned above, then make him call them.

will she have enough money to go out & about - would it be suitable to do some cultural day trips with the dc's to show her london? this trip is a big deal for her. can you try to separate your anger at your husband & start thinking how exciting it could be for her - 8 weeks in london, visiting family, learning new things?

Your DP needs his gonads re-arranging. He has let everyone down v v badly.

But I can see why the SIL and neice are nervous about coming to new big city with bad rep etc, and also in any Indian family it would be an anathema for any family member to be slung in digs with strangers rather than under the family roof (I am in a 50% Indian family, so know your pain).

Have her to stay the first week - spend some time helping her orientate herself re public transport, routes to the hospital, making friends with other people on the course etc.
And meanwhile your DH will be making alternative arrangements for her. THEN have her over for supper once a week - and introduce her to some babysitting!

I have two DCs, aged 6 and 2. They can't share a room as they wouldn't sleep. They really, really wouldn't. DS is quite disruptive. DS currently has to be watched as he walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth before bed as otherwise he would dash into DD's room and wake her. When we went on holiday for a few nights and all shared the same hotel room the only way to cope was to have one adult and one child in each double bed and everybody going to bed at the same time with the lights out.

DS's bed turns into a double, so in theory DH could share with him and I could have DD in our bed with me, leaving DD's room free. But DD sleeps in a toddler bed which would be too small for my niece.

We only have 3 bedrooms and a huge living/dining room, the kitchen is too small to sit in. If we put one child to sleep in the living room then we would all have to go to bed then too (DS goes to bed at 7.30 pm).

When this came up at Christmas DH was the first to say that it would be totally inconvenient and disruptive for his niece to stay in the flat, which is why he offered to find somewhere nearby for her.

Can you borrow a single/air mattress and put that in your daughter's room, and do it that way?

I know it's a huge hassle. But I quite like the idea of your husband having to share with a disruptive six year old for EIGHT WEEKS, in the six year old's bedroom.

I'd like to reassure everyone that I will be lovely to my niece as it's not her fault at all that her uncle is a complete arse. But there's going to be no disguising the fact that it will be difficult. The mornings will be particularly chaotic, well they are already chaotic tbh but they will be even worse.

I'm not sure what her placement involves. I'm fairly sure that she won't be working as she is a foreign student, so she won't be on call or anything and hopefully not doing late nights. I have a vague memory of hearing that it's a surgical placement so I have the impression that she will be watching operations and shadowing doctors as they do rounds.

How about DS in his own room
Move toddler bed to your room
Blow-up bed for niece in DD's room?

Medical students I knew at university spent a good amount of time in surgery holding clamps and things - basically stading very still holding the wound open so the surgeons could get inside. Fun.

So how is she going to be a doctor when she can barely look after herself abroad?

I say this as I had my future sil to stay with us YEARS ago in our one bedroom flat.

I assumed she'd get a hotel -but no - she stayed on our sofa for 1 fucking whole month - from similar religious fucked up mil background.

I didn't get it and forked out for a one month travel card for her thinking she'd amuse herself - fuck know - big old law student at the age of 23 had to be bought a ticket - escorted over to the UK - and didn't leave our flat once unless accompanied by me or dp. And then had the cheek to say we'd abandoned her most days - erm - yep - to work to pay her keep and I have to say at the age for 23 going to a restuarant and odering fucking £60 worth of stuff off the menu also infuriated me because if at the age of 23 you are like a 4 year old ie I want I want with no idea of the value of money I NEARLY had a nervous breakdown.

DP's attitude was lets roll with it- it's my little sis.

MAKE your husband deal with this. She either says and pulls her weight and goes back home an independent and competent woman OR you get her a place of her own and she'll certainly understand the ways of the world by the time she leaves.

Oh - is she indian? - well I'm half indian and my family come over from India they are probably more independent than me - they do fine in the big bad city of London - no excuse - she wants to be a medic - she needs to act like one.

I agree with Loopy- put your niece into one of the children's rooms with them. Ime if she is from a large close-knit extended family (it sounds that way), she will not mind at all and could even be put in charge of said child at night. Her parents will be happy, she'll feel she's paying her way with you by helping out, you won't have her on the sofa. Sounds a lot more of a winning situation all round.

christian flat shares

another christian flat share site

Yes, I would either put neice on blow-up bed in the 2 yo room with the 2 yo, or if not room, move the 2 yo into your room for the duration.

The bedrooms are quite small so we wouldn't get DD's bed into our room. We could probably make space for a blow up mattress in DD's room so in theory she could share with DD. Two not-so-minor problems with that are 1) we sometimes have mice so sleeping on the floor on an airbed would be icky, 2) DD is potty training (and doing very well) so she has a potty in her room which she sometimes wakes up and uses, then calls me if she needs her bum wiped.

Well, she'll have to live with that, or look elsewhere. Tell her that's how it is, and you will support her looking elsewhere but you can't do any more for her than that.

Or get a z-bed (freecycle, I bet you could get one for free.

Don't tell her about the mice

Thanks for those links loopyloops, I'll forward them to DH.

I won't be volunteering any information on the rodent front Acanthus. Hopefully we will stay clear of them while she's with us, but I would feel quite guilty if she got a fright from waking up face to face with a rl character from Beatrix Potter.

Makes me angry just reading this - at your husband of course.

Agree with z bed in the childrens room. A sofa for 8 weeks isnt practicable for her and wont work. She will not be able to go to bed until you turn in unless you are supposed to skulk in your room like a teenager on your behalf.

Also I would be very tempted to have plans at the weekend and remove myself from the flat entirely all day both days. Let him experience the joy of having to accommodate another adult (however nice/needy) in a small space.