About DH's visiting neice (IANBU btw but am looking for an argument and suspect I'll get one here)

[bran]

I need to VENT because DH thinks he's done nothing wrong and I'm "making a fuss".

When we were visiting DH's family at Christmas his sister told us that her daughter, who is a medical student, had been offered a placement in a London hospital for 8 weeks. The family are very old-fashioned and protective of their daughters and weren't prepared to let her travel and live in hospital accommodation on her own because "something terrible" would be bound to happen.

At the time I pointed out to DH that we don't have a bedroom, or even a bed, for her and it would be unpleasant for everyone if she slept on the sofa for 8 weeks (I didn't say this in front of his neice obviously). He told me not to worry, he would sort it all out and it wouldn't have any impact on me. He was planning to take a short term let on a flat nearby, or possibly find a house share for her (no men in houseshare or her parents would be furious).

She arrives TOMORROW and despite reminders from me (he told me off for "nagging") all that he has done is to put up a notice (8 days ago) in the resident's lounge of our development saying that he is looking for somewhere and giving a contact number. As he left this morning he said he might contact a few estate agents today if he has time.

I don't want another person in the flat. I like a bit of personal space and if my neice is here I will end up lurking in my bedroom every evening after the DC are in bed. I don't want to have to cook a proper dinner every evening on top of what I cook for the DC. I don't want her reporting back about our lifestyle to my hyper-critical SIL (for instance I don't go to church or say grace before meals).

I feel I've been backed into a corner. DH promised he would sort it out, but he hasn't because it's no skin off his nose to have her here (he's not usually home until quite late during the week). I expect his neice won't be too happy with the arrangement either.

OP hasn't looked into places for the niece because her DH has repeatedly promised he would do it, said that she wouldn't have to do anything, and implied that she's being utterly unreasonable for enquiring whether he would actually get round to doing it. And because she thinks that spending her whole life chasing round after her DH doing things that he promised to do is no way to carry on a relationship.

I agree with consensus -- niece in DS's room, DS in with you, DH on the sofa.

Or niece on in your room, DH on the sofa and you in nice hotel, depending on budget.

Yes he did say he would, but that was at Christmas!

That aside, it´s for the benefit of the niece, so why not do it?

Presumably everything that bran ends up doing because her husband can't be arsed to do what he promises is for the benefit of all or some of the nuclear or extended family. So why not keep doing everything and let him carry on behaving like a tosser? Possibly because he's a grown man and not a more-than-usually-incapable eight-year-old?

DH has just sent an email to say he may have found somewhere in this development, so she would be very close by.

He signed his email

Kind Regards

Bran's DH's full name

We're not exactly lovey dovey, are we.

Diddl, I didn't sort anything out because DH promised he would. He told me not to worry, he would sort everything out. To be fair, I was pretty sure he would leave it to the last minute, forget about it or otherwise cock it up, but he's an adult I can't be second-guessing him. I reminded him about it from time to time (and was told off for nagging). He said it was under control and he'd do it in his own time. I don't see what else I could have done.

mj, we are looking after her like she was one of our own (actually better than that as I expect my DC to be more independent when they get to that age). It will be deeply uncomfortable for her to stay here with my late-to-bed DH and early-to-rise DC. If she's on the sofa she'll be lucky to get 6 hrs sleep a night. I'm lucky to get 6 hrs a night, and I have a proper bed.

I know if he said he would do it he should be left to.

But I was in this case thinking it´s also about your niece, your children & your own comfort.

Hope he has sorted something.

I'm not sure if this will make you feel better or worse - but he probably didn't sign off at all! the "kind regards, Full Name" is probably automatically inserted as part of his signature file.

YANBU by the way.

I want to marry ProfLayton.

Can I also point out, in case you missed it, that we are moving from London to Dublin before she goes back to Malaysia. If she's still living in this flat there is a good chance that some of her stuff will get moved to Dublin with us.

Also, in case you missed it, I am sorting out the move. All of it. Buying the new house, booking the removal company, decluttering, deciding what goes and what stays, buying furniture for the new house, sorting out health insurance, car insurance, de-registering the car from the UK system, registering the car into the Irish system, booking the ferry, sorting out a school for DS, getting health insurance, utilities, other things that haven't cropped up yet. DH has two responsibilities (I remember a second one after my earlier post), firstly to remove both children from the flat on packing day; secondly to organise the furniture/things he needs for his study in the new house. I feel I'm contributing plenty to the smooth running of this family.

Oh yes, you're almost certainly right about the sign off Bling. I will forgive him that.

I missed the bit about you moving- so there´s no way she could stay with you the full time anyway so somewhere else has to be sorted doesn´t it?

Why isn´t your husband doing anything else towards the move?

When we moved here I was responsible for UK end, husband this end.

That was because he had to be here working before house was sold in UK.
(Had an 18th month old & 3&1/2 year old.

Bloody hell you sound really nice and welcoming!!! - nothing like helping the family out is there - I bet she isn't relishing the prospect of staying with you either.

Terribly childish of me, but I only got as far as the bit where Shodan says: "I wouldn't be at all happy with this either, actually. And it is the sort of thing DH would do, despite valuing his privates" and I literally can't see for PMSL. Valuing his privates. Carry on, ignore me.

at MadameC. Niece knows nothing of my fury, nor will she as she is a nice girl who is not at all at fault. She doesn't even know yet that she is staying with us and not in her own place as agreed. You're right though, when she finds out I bet she won't relish the prospect of staying here.

I'm still waiting for the "your DH works hard to earn money for you and the DC, therefore you should treat him as your lord and master" crowd to come and tell me off.

diddl - you can't have it both ways I'm afraid. You can't imply that I'm being unreasonable not to sort out the niece situation, and then later imply that I should somehow make DH take responsibility for the house move. I'm doing the move because then it'll get done, obviously.

Well, she wouldn't be relishing the prospect, given that her uncle told her and her parents that he'd find her a flat of her own or a room in a house share (and pay for it) rather than expect her to sleep on their sofa. And given that bran and bran's DH are moving house to a different country before the niece returns to Malaysia.

I´m not implying anything-just asking!

So you´re prepared to take on a whole move so that it gets done, but not make a few phone calls for your niece!

I agree with bran

My DHs emails from work are signed Kind Regards as well. I always reply likewise.

That's about the sum of it diddl.

We're keeping our flat here as DH will be coming back quite a bit for work, so if she's still staying here she will have the run of the place after we're gone. She won't actually have to move out, but I can guarantee that it will be a nightmare few days that she would probably prefer to keep out of.

I love you Jamie.

I have also just heard from DH that the place in this development won't be available until August. So still no particular prospects at the moment.

And also, on the "not making a few phonecalls for my niece", does DH not attract any criticism from you diddl for exactly the same lack of care? Plus, she's his niece, from his family. My family have their own demands and needs and general oddness, which I deal with because they are my family. Anyway, he's still saying that he will sort it out and I should stop fussing. I feel making phonecalls probably comes under the heading of "fussing".

Yes of course he should have done it if he said he would.
I think I already said that.

Why is he so unreliable though?

Why are any of them so rubbish?!

My DH is the hardest worker and God knows I love him for it, but I swear if he doesn't paint the couple of marks on the ceiling I've been asking him to for the last 6 weeks I'll kill him!

We are wanting to sell the house and I can't do it as am big with 2nd pregnancy now and have suspected SPD so can't manage it myself.

Still, he is a BRILLIANT provider and I do hate to nag. But I just can't, literally can't do this one job myself....

Anyway, as you were girls! I hope something sorts itself out OP.

Apologies if this has already been said (have only skim read this thread)...

I personally don't feel comfortable getting intimate with someone else in the house, just in case they hear. 8 weeks, with nothing??? he won't make that mistake again .

Have you visited this neice and her family in Malaysia? If so, did you stay with them or did you stay in a hotel?

Maybe you should say that you are so fed up about his lack of ability to bother to sort things out as he'd promised that you are going to ring MIL and let her know to see if she has any contacts in London that might be able to come up with something suitable for niece (or whatever excuse you fancy)

Maybe he is still more scared of his mum and not keeping his promise regarding apple-of-eye granddaughter and that will get him to pull his finger out and actually do something...

firsttimemum - we stay with my MIL when we go to Malaysia. Lord knows I would rather stay in a hotel, but that would be insulting to MIL. There's a whole other potential thread about the highs and lows (ok, only lows) of staying with MIL, but my blood pressure couldn't take it just at the moment.

I've decided that I'm not going to get involved, he either sorts it out or he doesn't and in 7-ish weeks we move away. I may go off on my own at the weekends to get a bit of space. She will be out during the day and I will skulk (as someone said earlier "like a teenager") in my bedroom and let DH entertain her if he's home.